The greatest pee ever peed. (834 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.5 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Frank Cushion <slashedfloaties.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-25 21:42:05 EST
This was written some time ago. There are a few spelling errors in it, but I'm much too drunk and lazy to go back and fix them. I copy pasted this from a blog..ugh, I know...blogs.. Any way, I copy pasted this, word for word, from the entry on the day I wrote this. So a bit of history first: I worked at a shitty little produce stand, once famous for having a fake witch about to be burned at the stake adorning the pole out front. There were letters from around the world complaining about it. Even Australia. But anyway, on with the story.
Okay, so while I was working today, I had to piss. So I did what I normally do. I checked the money drawer for the bathroom key. Couldn't find it. So I waited. I didn't have to go that bad. So a while later, I needed to go a little worse. Still couldn't find the key. So it got worse and worse over time, and I was searching for a place to go. I was seconds away from unzipping and letting a stream fly behind a stack of pallets when a customer showed up. As they were getting out of their car, two mar cars pulled up. All filled with extremely slow moving old people that thing everyone wants to watch them like it's a fuckin' Special Olympics marathon. (Tangent: I wish the Special Olympics were nationally televised on broadcast TV. I would watch every second of those retards. Imagine the fuckin' commercials! I want to see Chris Burke hawking the new McRib!)
So anyway, old people racing at .05 miles per hour, and I'm clamping the end of my "junk" between my knees to keep the yellow river from rising. They do their slow, old thing, and then one of them decides he wants a bundle of corn stalks...and a bale of hay. So I have to climb the ladder and get down a bundle, then I have to carry a bale of hay out to his car, which he parked at the farthest spot from the stack of hay bales possible...like, halfway across the lawn of the church next door. So I have to walk I'd say a good 300 feet with this fucking giant bale of hay, all while trying not to piss myself. I manage to deal with all of that shit, and have a moment of peace. I'm getting ready to pee by the stack of pallets when I notice I can be seen from the road. I play it safe and call my boss to ask about the key. She says it's in the drawer... Fuck. So I look harder in the drawer. I finally find it in an empty penny roll. I had thought it was a few loose pennies in there before. So I get the key out, and as I'm unlocking the door, three fucking cars pull up.
Great. I was almsot home free, the end of my man-bit burning in anticipation and yellow salty pain...
So I get behind the counter again, and assume the hunched "I'm pretending I don't need to pee so bad I can't think" position. The first car that pulled up is this fat lady and her scrawny husband. The meat tower and the toothpick hobble up to me, and say the want a bag of boiled peanuts. Our peanuts are by the scoop. I asked how many scoops, they repeated "Bag o' peanuts." I had to ask them again...finally they get that I might be asking them "How many scoops" when I say "How many scoops". So finally, I get their peanuts to them, and prepare to deal with the next genetic reject, a fat mom. Another waddling meat tower. This one would be okay looking, if she didn't spend her days sitting on her ass in her trailer watching "her stories". Her kid was a whiny little shit. So she decides she's getting five little pumpkins. Two of them weighed about three pounds each, and are easily carried in one hand. The other three could all have fit in one hand at once. They were those REALLY little ones for decoration only, you know, the "Jack B. Littles," they're called. Of course, with pumpkins of this magnitude, you know it's completely feasible for her to make a SEPARATE TRIP FOR EACH FUCKING ONE. I swear, people today were just TRYING to torture me. They drove up and thought "This guy needs to piss. Let's fuck with him." So finally I deal with her, noticing that Jack Sprat and his lean-less wife are still standing by their car, eating the bag of boiled peanuts they bought like fifteen minutes ago. All the time this was going on, the first person that actually pulled up was making her way to the tomato table, about five feet from where she parked. She's one of those old people that walks like she's in a wedding ceremony, going down a set of stairs. One foot forward, next foot exactly next to forward foot, stop, repeat. She picks up a tomato, stares at it for a while as if it's Yorrick's skull, then bride-walks to the counter. She slowly (and by slowly, I mean SLOOOOWWWLY) sets it down, and walks back to the tomato table. Gets another one and repeats the entire fucking process. And for good measure, one more tomato. Holy fucking shit. There are bags on the tomato table...for tomatos. Why, oh why, couldn't she have just got them all at once? Mighty fuck. Then, she finally gets them all there. And decides to walk around the store, touching and petting EVERY PIECE OF MERCHANDISE WE HAVE...TWICE! Then she decides she only wants the three tomatos. So she finally leaves. Then, as almost 45 minutes have passed sionce these three groups have arrived, I look up. Tubby McFat and her skeletal hubby are STILL FUCKING THERE. So I wait them out. These bags of shit have spent literally an hour staring at a tree and eating a bag of boiled peanuts. Finally, they leave. I seize the opportunity.
I bolt over to the door, and fumble with the lock, finally getting it open. Home stretch now, boys! I lift the lid, and get ready to rip, and I tell you, it has never in my life felt so good to piss...of course, never in my life has it taken longer, either...I swear, I was in there for like ten minutes.
User Reviews
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-28 07:44:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-26 01:15:00 (#)
Ranking: -2
Post gets a -1; you get an additional -1 for trying to insult those who have insulted you. Really, no one gives a shit. Take the time you spent writing that response and instead put it into making a post that doesn't suck next time.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-11-26 11:48:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+1 for pee relief
-1 for lying that your dick is long enough to squeeze with your knees. Let's get real there, Long John.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-26 11:32:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.funlol.com/funpages/worlds-biggest-zit.html
Perhaps looking at this Frank will enable you to take a more relaxed and easy going attitude to life.
One post a day allows us to concentrate on each of your gems.
If we have too much awesome, we may explode.
Submitted by frank_cushion (user info) at 2005-11-26 10:20:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What I was saying, Cancer boy, is that "noob" is an idiotic and inane word, no matter what the context. One of my rules for life is that anyone who can't adhere to their own language when typing is mentally lazy, thus cannot be respected. If you don't respect your language enough to not butcher it, you shouldn't expect it in any other way. And what's your problem with the idea of posting more than once a day? Is it taking up too much precious space? Are the posts filling up your room, covering your bed? Unless you're the kind of idiot that sets everything he finds to print, you shouldn't be whining like a menstruating goth.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-26 08:36:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What part of ONE POST A DAY don't you understand, you fucking idiot?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-26 08:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
*long and pained sigh*
Thank fuck that's over with.
Submitted by jinman (user info) at 2005-11-26 02:40:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This post could have been shorter and still gotten the point across. I had to get up and pee twice before I finished reading it.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-11-26 02:39:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I was gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and give you a flat zero, but then you gone done and pissed me off, boy.
You're a quote-unquote "noob" because you've been on this site approximately one day. ONE. DAY. Hence, you are new to the site, and by that logic, a noob, also spelled "newb," which is derived from the word "new." Get my drift, idio-boy?
I wasn't insulting you. If you woulda read tip 4, you might have deduced I was encouraging you. You seemed to have at least -some- potential, and I figured the -2 slamathon you were about to receive might discourage you from developing that potential.
But now I see you're just a douche, so forget that.
-2 DIE.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-11-26 01:59:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've had better pees.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-11-26 01:48:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
One a day - go fuck your dad and get your daughter to tape it.
homo.
:)
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-26 01:36:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
for reasons already discussed below
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-26 01:15:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Post gets a -1; you get an additional -1 for trying to insult those who have insulted you. Really, no one gives a shit. Take the time you spent writing that response and instead put it into making a post that doesn't suck next time.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-25 23:52:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I struggled to get through the first paragraph
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-11-25 23:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you won't last long here
Submitted by frank_cushion (user info) at 2005-11-25 22:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The reviewers thus far have lost all hopes of gaining my respect. We have an idiot actually using the word "noob". What a fucking degenerate. Seriously, the bottom of the barrel outcasts make fun of people who say "noob". Sounds like you go outside a lot, Captain Albino.
Then you have the clever one calling me a penis eater. Look, if you're trying to insult someone, try to seem smarter than your keyboard, okay? Like, I could call you a peter snorting, nut tasting, fig feeling fuck stick. See, a longer swear, even including alliteration. Dignify yourself, man. You don't want to appear as some sort of e-bitch, do you? Come on, I'm sure you can do better than "penis eater".
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-25 22:20:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
one a day, penis eater.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-11-25 21:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
....better than habeeb....
it's funny because everyone is better than habeeb.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-11-25 21:50:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The noob rules of Uber:
1) One post per day! ONE. May seem silly, but people will blam you for it.
2) Small paragraphs. Easy on the eyes.
3) LJ/Myspace code shit doesn't work. Don't even try.
4) If you want it bad enough, don't give up. You'll get it. Hey, at least you're better than Habeeb.