Sundance Kids: Self-Awareness (634 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TheSunGod (View user info) at 2005-11-26 03:50:37 EST
"You're never more aware of yourself than when you're smoking," he thinks, and flicks another ash off the fifth-story balcony.
Your breathing, your hands, your mouth- you know what they're all doing at once, he thinks. You balance yourself to the cigarette.
Where am I? I'm smoking. I'm in that place.
She's inside. In the apartment. No, not the sundance girl. We don't know where she is. Probably with him, whomever he may be. He probably smiles a lot, or dresses well, or at least makes good money.
But this new girl, she's back inside. A pale comparison, a laughable replacement, she's inside.
And so he finishes the cigarette, taking the last three drags in one choking double-lungfull, and becomes aware of himself.
Party time.
Rejoin the pack, and see about this new girl. See if she measures up, if she even compares to what we deserve. Or at least what we had once.
Why is he doing this again? What's her name? Who cares?
All he needs is the companionship. Just the laughing and talking and agreeing without discussing. Just the sticky-hot, full-body skin on skin. God, all the warmth he feels is dead lately. Warm sun and hot showers and even his own frustrated sweat, it's all dead. Just touch him, and watch him come to life, and suck up your warmth, and feed it back to you tenfold. You feeling lucky tonight? You want to feel sauna-desert-Summer-Hell hot? Doubt if she could handle it, but they'd both have fun finding out if she could.
So he wades hip-deep through the crowd, and locks their eyes together, and smiles. She smiles too, easily.
Too easily?
He almost skips a beat but he's too aware to stop now, and the chemicals in his groin take over where the charm in his personality left off.
"Hey sweetie. Thanks for the ride over here, my buddy's going to drive me back whenever we end up leaving.
"But I need to know, are you still hooking up with that guy? Because if you are, I'd make a complete ass of myself when I tried to hit on you later tonight."
She, of course, smiles too easily and begins a lecture on how, yes, they're still technically an item and she would break the rules but he's here at the party tonight and she keeps talking and talking and he doesn't care.
Because he's just learned how to be even more aware of one's self than to smoke: to go down in flames.
To learn that tonight holds no skin on skin, unless it's his own. To have completely misread the signs. To feel his big flapping ears and that monstrous pulsing zit and his ragged fingernails just screaming at him. Where are his hands now? Do they look stupid, just hanging there? Should he put them in his pockets? How about his breathing, and his mouth? Breathing too fast, mouth gawping- SAY something, you fucking moron! While you still have a chance to look like you don't care!
"Oh good, I was too tired to stay up all night chasing you, anyhow. I think we're going to get out of here. Me and my buddy, that is. You have a good night, I'll see you the next time we all do this."
And then it's hugs and handshakes out the door, and a somber ride home for two drunks and one strikeout king.
He asks his buddy if he'd like to spark a joint, like he needs to ask. They roll down the windows. But tonight the dope's not to feel that release, or even the numbness that follows. It's just an excuse to roll down the window and bring in that biting cold. And man, does it ever.
His skin puckers, even under the jacket, and he's alone. Unlocks the door to a dark house, and he's alone. Climbs into his cold bed. It's so empty that the extra space actually hurts.
He really does want someone. Anyone. Not just her anymore, and that feels good to him. He just wants someone to make him warm.
"We're feeling better," he thinks, and laughs a little that this loneliness is better than what came before.
Maybe it's time to talk to the sundance girl again. He thinks he can stand it, to pretend to not care. All he needs is a cigarette. He'll be totally aware of himself the whole time. Won't slip once, and say words like "love", or "need", or "desperate".
It'll be good for him. If he can deal with her, he can deal with the next girl who's going to come along. Practice, sort of.
But secretly, he knows that he only wants to see her because she always hugs him hello, and smiles the whole time they're together. When that happens, he doesn't feel aware of himself at all.
She, of course, is happy to hear from him when he calls.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-11-28 12:45:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BingBongBing (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:32:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
intense...i was wondering what you were up to lastnight..haha
............
yeah, sorry bout that. "Cardboard" had me come over, and g-ville girl wouldn't stop texting me so i had to kill my phone. ended up staying the night, tho... goddamnit. she wouldn't let me get any, but boy she was all about gettin me all riled up. definitely need to hang with the boys tonight or tomorrow. at least that way i know i won't wind up w/ blueballs. hit me up.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
um..... no comment.
Submitted by BingBongBing (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:32:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
intense...i was wondering what you were up to lastnight..haha
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-11-27 22:08:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wicked
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-11-26 19:39:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves a +2. Not my cup of tea but this is well done.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-26 17:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poignant.
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-11-26 17:08:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done. I'm going to go out on a limb and say I'm not the only one who'll read this and who will identify with the 'strike-out king'.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2005-11-26 07:24:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you mean, only one other rating?
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-11-26 04:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
f-ing awesome. this is what i would write, if i was better at getting what;s in my head down on uber