My Brother Is A Bad Man (1019 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.7 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike00295 (View user info) at 2005-11-28 10:46:35 EST
I guess I should start this off with an explanation. I have two brothers, one is 9 and the other is 4. As some may remember, I am 24......ya, let that sink in...gross. My mom had some problems...you know...with the equipment, when she remarried. Her and my step-dad tried to have a baby for a long time and were unsuccessful. Gross.
When I was in 7th grade, my nana (grandmother) became seriously ill. She had some real bad kidney problems and had just recently had both of her breasts removed due to cancer.
So needless to say, she wasn't doing too well to begin with. Most of the people in my family are pretty devout Catholics. As for me...well I'm not going to get into that. So my mom was at the hospital, at my nana's side when she was about to pass. She claims to have asked her to send her a baby from Heaven.
No shit....1 week later...she was pregnant. Crazy shit. That's the 9-year-old brother.
Fast forward to my freshman year of college. Imagine coming home for Thanksgiving break. It's the first time you've been home since school started. All you want to do is drop off your laundry and go get shit-canned with some of your friends. But no, the folks want to take you out to dinner to "talk about something important." Shit...what the hell did I do? They couldn't possibly know about my drunken exploits and drug induced commas from college could they? Nope.
As we sat down to dinner, my parents had these sick, demented grins on their faces. Dining experience commences as normal....order food... wait...wonder why they keep looking at me and laughing...wait some more. Then things went kind of like this.
Folks- Mike0095, do you remember when we told you we were pregnant with "Angus" (super cool made-up name for my brother)
Me- Um...sure.
Folks- What would you say if we told you we were having another baby (looking all fucking cheesy and giggly)
Me- <silence>
Folks- What? You're not excited
Me- <silence>
I had to go back to school and deal with the ridicule, the constant verbal abuse, all pertaining to..."Dude, your parents are still fucking." Gross. One of my roommates changed the name in my cell phone to read: BIG FERTILE whenever my mom would call. Fuckers.
So they had another baby, we'll call him "Colfax." And here is where the point of this post begins. Sorry for the rambling, but I felt a brief history was necessary for any of this to make sense.
My youngest brother is a bad motherfucker. He'll steal your woman and kick you in your business just to make a point. He spits mad fire. My brother's main export is pain.
Two weeks ago, the day NOTRE DAME (#7...BCS here we come) played Syracuse, "Colfax" was home with a babysitter. My parents, no longer trying to conceive children (hopefully), and I were tailgating before the game. Apparently my brother was doing a "SuperFly Jimmy Snuka" impression and jumped off of a couch and onto a boom box.
SNAP...tears...screaming...
He broke the fuck out of his left arm. 4 years old. Ouch. They got him to the hospital and gave him a temporary cast. He was going to have surgery on the arm, to pin the bones back in place, but they were able to set it manually. Ouch. Throughout this entire ordeal, he only took pain medication once. Badass.
So now he's cool. He's going to be in a cast for then next 8 weeks. It doesn't matter to him though, it's just another device he can use to smack his hoes around. So the next time you get a paper cut, stub your toe or get some sand in your vagina, think about a badass 4 year old who would say to you..."SKATE. IT. OFF"
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-28 16:28:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I had to go back to school and deal with the ridicule, the constant verbal abuse, all pertaining to..."Dude, your parents are still fucking."
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What, do you go around bragging about this? "Gross"?
What are you, a 15-year old girl?
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-11-28 16:14:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-11-28 14:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd totally kick that kid's ass.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:41:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a bastard O-Man!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, your family holiday parties must be interesting.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-28 12:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Average_Yul_Brenner,
Your panties seem to be in a twist. Is it because we haven't recognized your great performance in The King and I? We LOVED you in Westworld, too.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-28 12:19:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:39:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:31:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Mike, you outrageous hitwhore!
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Is that an EVIL hitwhore? (pinky to mouth)
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For the last time folks, I am NOT Dr. Evil, Ming the Merciless, or Adam Duritz. I am Average_Dan, isn't that enough for you?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-28 12:10:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaahaha
your parents still have sex
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-28 12:04:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SUPA SUPA SUPAFLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:57:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was born without legs too, but they grew in when I was 3, in like a month.
Another +2 for Jimmy Snuka
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:48:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:11:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
At least it makes it easy figuring out what to get her for Christmas.
I'm thinking either a Hillary Duff CD or a pony.
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This comment was hilarious.
This post was good too. I have an 8 year old sister and I'm 26. Most people think I'm her mom when I take her anywhere.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:43:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm still waiting for the "auto Jimmy Snuka +2" from some random old school wrestling fan.
BAMF- He's sitting on the counter at my parents place. But you are correct, he has no legs.
He rolls around on a skateboard. Which is why his broken arm is so tragic, he just goes in circles now.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:41:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd worry less about his broken arm and more about his apparent lack of legs?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:34:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so adorable
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Really O-Man, because I was just thinking about sleeping with her.
Did I mention she is teh HoTTors?
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:12:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was tailgating with my parents, random friends/slores. My family has a giant tailgate for all homegames. I only mentioned it so it would be conveyed that they were not home at the time the broken arm took place.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:11:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least it makes it easy figuring out what to get her for Christmas.
I'm thinking either a Hillary Duff CD or a pony.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:09:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's fucked up O-man.
My 47 year old Uncle just married an 18 year old. I'm 23. That's weird as well.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"My parents, no longer trying to conceive children (hopefully), and I were tailgating before the game"
I almost stopped reading right there. You were tailgating with your parents? Maybe I don't quite understand this phenomenon as well as I thought.
Isn't tailgating when you take a bunch of creature comforts from home into a parking lot and get absolutely smashed before going to a football game? And you did it with your parents?
Anyway, +2 for having a bad arse little bro.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:03:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
47..my bad
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:03:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dad's 53. My stepmom's 25.
I'm 26.
I can't wait until I have kids and can pick them AND their uncles and/or aunts up from the same grade school.
*weeps*
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:59:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey! I'm not 40.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:58:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He's lucky he didn't have to get the pins in there.
Those things are the SuzXX
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:58:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Schlongy, there is no way I'm letting my brother hang out with a 40-something year old bald man from SC. No way. Shamone to you.
And let's not get things twisted...there is plenty of boo-tay for Mike00295.
It's just not something you want to hear about, coming from your parents, when you are 13 and 18.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude just admit to yourself that the problem wasn't your mom. It was your sterile dad. And now that mom is seeing the mailman you can expect LOTS more children.
Just kidding dude. Good post.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:54:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think we'd rather hang out with your brother a lot more than we would with you.
You sound like a fag with the "ewwwww", "gross" deal. You're jealous that your parents are still having sex because you can't get any.
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:54:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I see nipples!
(Not to mention a little peener sticking out of his cast)
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:53:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BIG FERTILE
fucking CLASSIC nickname!
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:52:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They give pain medication when you break something?
Where was mine?
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:51:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I broke my leg at 3 years old jumping off of a hill.
After my cast, my parents said the first thing I did was jump off the hill again.
The Irish are going down if they play the Buckeyes...
Submitted by Spacey (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've had many drug induced commas, there's one now, and another one...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:50:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SHAMONE!
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:49:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-28 10:47:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Stay clear of the "topless photo" comments.
Oh shit, I hope MJ doesn't see this post.