Why I am no longer allowed to ride the Super Shuttle (735 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.61 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by interchange (View user info) at 2005-11-28 11:17:44 EST
Thanksgiving means air travel for over 40 million Americans. Unfortunately, Thanksgiving also means airport parking for over 40 million Americans. Being the enterprising young lad I am, I decided to take advantage of a service called the Super Shuttle where you pay them to pick you and other enterprising young lads up and take you to the airport.
So my flight is at 6AM and I'm the first pickup at 3AM. So far I'm a zombie but things are going all right. I take the bench seat in the middle, and the driver seems nice. Remember the enterprising young lad comment? Well, the next stop happens to rewrite my opinion on the people who ride the Super Shuttle as the world's oldest couple laboriously climbs in, narrowly avoiding strangling themselves (I'm not so sure they weren't hoping they would) on the seat belts as they head for the last bench, directly behind me.
Old man: *grunts*
Old woman: Lyle, put your hand here.
Old man: *grunts curiously*
Old woman: Ok Lyle, not there, here.
Old woman: Ok now press harder.
Old man: *grunts strongly*
Old woman: Ok now take it and put it in here.
Old man: *struggles*
Old woman: No Lyle not that one, this one!
Old man: *grunts*
Old woman: Ok now press harder!
Old man: *grunts mightily*
*click*
Old woman: Good, now for your seat belt.
.........
Allrighty then. Next stop seemed to be more promising, moving away from old folks land and heading toward a middle income apartment complex. I didn't have too much luck with this one as, well, I'll just call her Big Hair Lady #1 takes the seat in front of me. The next stop is equally uneventful as Big Hair Lady #2 steps in the van and seats next to Big Hair Lady #1. They start jabbering as if the sorrority of their bad hair-dos makes them instantly best friends.
Before I describe the final passenger, let's take stock of the situation. World's Oldest Couple has been behind me for 30 minutes smelling like a double dose of death ready for the casket. Big Hair Lady #1 in front of me is wearing entirely too much entirely too noxious perfume, and Big Hair Lady #2 is wearing too much of a perfume that seems to hit all the overwhelming smells not covered by Big Hair Lady #1. There is one seat left in the van which happens to be next to me, and my olfactory senses are going haywire.
At this point I start praying intensely that the next passenger is the cleanest-cut white boy you can imagine, but I guess God wasn't listening or perhaps remembered the time I splooged in the holy water. For He sent in the worst of all possibilities: Indian Guy Who Does Not Use Deodorant -- who plops down, where else, right next to me.
Now I'm just getting over the flu so my stomach is a mess and I have this internal dialogue:
Colon: rumble rumble here comes a tumble
Brain: do you think it's a good time to do that now?
Colon: when isn't int a good time to do that?
Brain: good point.
So breaking wind actually turned out to be a breath of fresh air in this van, but it did not last long. For my senses were overloaded, and my stomach could no longer hold contain. I projectile vomited right into Big Hair Lady #1's perm. Personally, I think I did her a huge favor, but no one else seemed to think my bodily functions were that tactful. The driver actually called the Super Shuttle manager and made sure they wouldn't give rides to me in the future.
Moral of the story:
When your girlfriend refuses to give you a ride to the airport at ungodly hours, wake her up with cunnilingus at 3AM, smack her ass, and tell her how nice she smells.
User Reviews
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-12-29 00:17:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Pelvis_Man (user info) at 2005-11-28 23:28:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
"When your girlfriend refuses to give you a ride to the airport at ungodly hours, wake her up with cunnilingus at 3AM, smack her ass, and tell her how nice she smells."
+1 for that, +1 for throwing up all over somebody's hair.
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2005-11-29 11:59:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:38:02 (#)
Ranking: 1
Why were you hoping for a clean cut white boy to get on tht bus?
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Too bad it wasn't you Dan.
Submitted by Pelvis_Man (user info) at 2005-11-28 23:28:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"When your girlfriend refuses to give you a ride to the airport at ungodly hours, wake her up with cunnilingus at 3AM, smack her ass, and tell her how nice she smells."
+1 for that, +1 for throwing up all over somebody's hair.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
next time aim for the both of them.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:19:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why were you hoping for a clean cut white boy to get on tht bus?
I always wish for that.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:05:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was gonna be a 1 until I got to the moral of the story. Awesome.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-28 12:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:45:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, the name "Lyle" cracks me up
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:38:02 (#)
Ranking: 1
Why were you hoping for a clean cut white boy to get on tht bus?
ATTN GHEY MENZ?!?!?
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My thoughts exactly.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:43:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Colon: rumble rumble here comes a tumble
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I think I'll rob this.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:38:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell her how nice she smells down there?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Why were you hoping for a clean cut white boy to get on tht bus?
ATTN GHEY MENZ?!?!?
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:23:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Not bad. Not great. Decent. "Worth reading (+0)"
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-11-28 11:22:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha.