Whoopsie Daisy, I Contracted The Bird Flu (1219 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-28 12:59:46 EST
They told us to be careful. They told us to wash our hands. My wife told me to be careful. My kids told me to be careful. The entire world was watching itself.
And what did I do?
I went and contracted bird flu.
Whoopsie daisy.
I thought it was just the regular flu at first. Nothing the ol' immune system couldn't tackle after a few days with a little extra water and a little extra rest, right?
So I actually stayed home from work at the Butterball Turkey plant in Omaha, Nebraska. I figured I would just take a day off, that a loyal employee like me would have no problem getting the day off. So in the morning, I called up my direct supervisor.
"Bob, I can't come to work today."
"How come?"
"I got a pretty bad case of the flu going around."
"Huh?"
"What?"
"What?"
"The sentence you just said didn't make any sense."
"Bob, listen, I'm sick. I don't think I can even make it to the bathroom to puke, let alone to work so I can wash turkeys all day on the line."
"Fine. Will you be back tomorrow?"
"Should be."
"Fine. I'll see you tomorrow, bright and early."
Somehow I knew in the deep subconscious of my mind that I would not be going to work the next day. Either way, I set down the receiver, rolled over in bed and went back to sleep for another 5 hours.
When I awoke again, it was to the smiling face of Bob Barker, host of popular television show "The Price is Right." Somebody was being told to "Come on down," which was often the case on that particular television show. They had made something of a catchphrase out of it in the process of making Mr. Barker a minor celebrity and making producers rich and giving away thousands of prizes and making lives slightly better and earning ratings among the jobless and others who are watching television at 11 in the morning.
"Good morning, sleepyhead," said my wife who had apparently vacated our big bed after I had fallen asleep again but before I had awoken again that very minute.
I wanted to reach my hands up to her buxom chest and have my way with her like in the old days, but I was much too tired.
And Plinko was on.
The show turned out exactly as I expected it to. An old woman was nearly killed by the giant wheel and a man in the United States Navy won a boat in his showcase. I chuckled at the irony.
My wife went to change the channel, but a news box took up most of the screen during the credits of The Price is Right, which featured beautiful women waving at the camera. The newscaster looked concerned about something. They always do. There's always something concerning in the world of news. News is a very concerning thing. The newscaster was looking straight at the camera and, therefore, me. She said,
"A new flu is being reported in the middle east and on the Indian subcontinent. Find all about this new disease, coming up in just a few minutes on Eyewitness 10."
"Y'know," I said to my wife, "I've got the flu. I wonder if I have some crazy Asian flu. Wouldn't that be a riot?"
My wife shot me a look that told me she would attempt to suppress any sort of rioting from me and my Asian flu hooligan germ buddies.
I watched the report with keen interest, hoping that at least a few of my symptoms would match up. But as the newscaster made her short little report, I noticed that the differences she was explaining between the regular flu and this new Bird Flu were striking. It seemed that many of my symptoms were leaning towards this Bird Flu rather than the Classic Flu.
My wife was no longer in the room, and my newfound Bird Flu had rendered me even more exhausted than I was before. I called my wife's name anyway.
"Francine," I yelled, "I think I do have bird flu! Can you take me to the doctor?"
Silence answered for a few seconds, but then Francine interrupted it rudely.
"No. We don't pay for health insurance so you can make random trips to the doctor to see if you have some flu from Asia that was just discovered over there," she said as she walked back into the bedroom, still with a butter knife in her hand that reeked of peanut butter.
"But what if I really have it? I handle birds all day long. And the newscaster said that this thing is being passed through birds."
"Chris," my wife said as she put her face very close to mine, "you handle birds that are grown in South Dakota. Now do you want pickles on your sandwich?"
"Get away from my face," I said. "You'll get my germs! I don't want to infect you, too, Francine."
Francine rolled her eyes and walked back to the kitchen. I hoped she was going to put pickles on my sandwich, even though I failed to answer her previous question regarding the pickles. Oh God I wanted those pickles.
When Francine came back with my sandwich sans pickles, I decided to go out and get some myself. Right then and there. I chalked the odd behavior up to a good case of the bird flu. It was making me delirious. And it made me crave pickles, apparently. I didn't know birds liked pickles.
I haphazardly put on pants and a shirt and walked towards the closest capitalism superstore that was likely to contain multiple slices of pickles for purchase or barter.
When I got to the local supermarket, I found the pickles and checked the price. $2.95. Were pickles always this much? It seemed a bit steep. I reached into my back pocket to check if I had enough American money in my possession to trade for the $2.95 pickles. As I reached back there, I felt only my ass. I had forgotten my money holder. Fiddlesticks. But I had something else to pay for these pickles. Germs. Precious bird flu germs.
I approached the counter and addressed the serviceman who was working.
"Excuse me, sir, but I'm afraid I don't have enough money to pay for these." The serviceman rolled his eyes and was probably expecting either a robbery or a plea to get the item for free. "What I can offer you instead of money is some in-demand virus. That's right, my friend. I have the majestic bird flu and I'm willing to give it you for just..." I checked the price once more on the jar of pickles, "...$2.95."
"You have bird flu?" The attendant asked with a hint of fear in his voice.
"I sure do, chief." What I expected to follow was confirmation. I figured the bird flu virus would be a pretty hot item, seeing as it was new and hip and just out in the market of humanity. Instead,
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Mother fucking...shit! Get out! GET OUT!"
"Can I have the pickles?" I asked. It was, after all, why I had left my bed.
"Whatever man. Take whatever you want," said the young attendant. I decided to take him up on his offer and went towards the back of the store to continue my shopping.
"What are you doing," screamed the attendant. "I said OUT!"
"Yeah, but then you said 'take whatever you want.' I thought that negated the former order "
"It didn't. Get the hell out of here and go to a hospital or something."
Now, I don't usually like hospitals. But that sounded like a really good place to eat my pickle slices and the beef jerky that I had picked up on my way out of the store. So I walked into town and looked for big red crosses on a white background. I finally found a nice looking hospital with nice automatic doors for easy entry and exit.
I walked into the hospital and declared,
"I have bird flu and I need somewhere to eat my pickles."
The nurse continued about her busy work for a couple seconds, but then looked at me quizzically and asked me to repeat myself. So I did.
I was rushed over to a doctor immediately.
"Can I eat my pickles now?" I asked the doctor, whose name was Dr. Evan D. Goute, according to his nametag.
"No," said Dr. Goute. "In fact, I need to do a few tests on you, Chris. We don't want you to spread any virus or any panic for that matter. Can you be a good patient and just take it easy while we get these results back. In fact, you can eat your pickles while you wait."
"Finally," I gasped out as the tests began. Nurses and doctors were all a-flutter around me. In every crevice and precipice of my body, there was every type of instrument. I thingamabobber and a whatzit were both splunking in my cashooncta at the exact same time. I was glad I had my pickles.
After medically raping me, finally the tests had finished. But so were my pickles. I was glad I had my pepperoni.
After a couple hours, the nice doctor who let me eat pickles came back. With a grim look on his face, he said,
"Mr. Yonker, I'm afraid you don't have bird flu. Get out of the hospital and stop scaring the United States."
"Oh," I said. "Sorry."
"That's alright," said the doctor.
"Do I have any flu at all?"
"No."
"Oh. Because I told my work that I had the flu. Because that was when I thought I had bird flu. Can I have a work excuse for today anyway?"
"Do you have any pickles left?"
"No," I said.
"Then get out of my hospital," said the nice doctor.
User Reviews
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-31 16:06:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I have bird flu and I need somewhere to eat my pickles."
_______________________________
Haha
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-27 06:20:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop scaring the United States!
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-02-27 05:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, I cried, I commited a triple homicide.
Heh. I rhymed.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-02-27 04:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, said the lion, when I roar the whole desert is in fear. The bear replied, when I roar the whole jungle is in fear. The duck said when I cough the whole world lives in fear.
Well written!!
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-02-27 03:43:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. I love the matter-of-fact style.
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-18 21:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I wanted to reach my hands up to her buxom chest and have my way with her like in the old days, but I was much too tired."
Dude... I hope there never comes a time where I find myself thinking that!
Great story!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-12-04 02:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome to the absolute
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-01 06:53:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't possibly approve of your pickle love.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-29 14:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-11-29 05:10:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
quality story. perfectly written.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-29 04:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I have bird flu and I need somewhere to eat my pickles."
This line slayed me.
B@W.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-11-29 00:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit.
But what kind of pickles were they?
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-28 20:50:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Always a good read and a silly giggle, its writers like you and a few others that make this place so good.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-28 20:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucking rule.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-28 20:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a tasty burger
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2005-11-28 18:39:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-28 15:21:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
12 different shades of awesome.
B@W
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-28 18:20:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mad
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-11-28 18:03:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure gold
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-11-28 16:52:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whoopsie daisy!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-28 15:54:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Geez, this story made my head spin.
Or is it the bird flu that's making me do that?
Hmmmm....
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-28 15:44:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*HOOT*
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-28 15:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderfully entertaining. Like midget porn.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-28 15:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
12 different shades of awesome.
B@W
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-11-28 15:14:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You could be right, Tee. But i searched around to see where the plants were and couldn't find any difinitive information. But when I went to Butterball's website, I saw their main offices were located in Omaha. I guessed they had a factory there as well. Maybe they do. Maybe they don't.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-28 14:41:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FINALLY!
Someone stranger than me.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-11-28 14:28:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure there is no Butterball turkey plant in Omaha, Nebraska.
There is a Hormel plant in Fremont though. Make bacon mostly. I think.
Fremont: You can tell by the smell that it's Hormel.
They say that about Fremont because it smells. Something about rendering pig fat or something.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-28 14:09:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:59:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:28:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wouldn't say I riot, personally.
I've helped burn a few couches though.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I rather enjoyed this journey.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i didnt realize how good it was till i realized i had actually read that.
kudos
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So have you ever been one of those drunks that riots at the drop of a hat out there in Athens? I keep hearing about them, but I've never actually known one....
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:22:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It was making me delirious. And it made me crave pickles, apparently. I didn't know birds liked pickles.
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mmm pickles...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:20:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:13:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Mr. Yonker, I'm afraid you don't have bird flu. Get out of the hospital and stop scaring the United States."
That line made me laugh.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:08:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny shit
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:07:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Then get out of my Ubersite
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:07:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer Goes To College