It's a Nice Day for a White (trash) Wedding (4735 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.85 on 60 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by WiLL ZoNE (View user info) at 2005-11-28 16:34:16 EST
As a resident of New York City I find myself comparing this town to every other city I've visited. Now, I'm no Magellan, but I've seen a fair chunk of the nation and some places in Europe and from what I've seen, nothing else compares. London, Chicago, Amsterdam, and Los Angeles place two through four respectively, but even if all 4 other cities combined like Voltron into, say, Voltronopolis, NYC would still be in a distant first. It's like Flo-Jo (back in the day at her peak) racing against Terri Schiavo (as she is now...yes she's dead).
This brings me to Johnson City, Tennessee. Honestly, I use the term "City" only because I have to...as it's the name of this godforsaken place. When it comes to Metropolis', I've been to more bustling Starbucks'. A city is defined as "An incorporated municipality in the United States with definite boundaries and legal powers set forth in a charter granted by the state." Apparently population, skyscrapers and TPM ratios (teeth per mouth) are not standards by which a city is based.
In mid-September my girlfriend and I flew down to Johnson City to attend my Uncle's Wedding. My uncle, my mom's brother and last living relative on my mom's side, is the "classic relative" that you hear about. He's the often drunk, eternally single guy with the shitty job and the questionable past. Every family has one of these kinfolk and sadly for me, I'm only one step removed from his bloodline.
So, my Uncle, a lifelong New Yorker, moved to Tennessee a year ago to be with an old flame who got married and then divorced. After a few months of being there with her, he realized that she was not the same bubbly teen from the early 80's and he left her and then made a move on her best friend. Classy. Both best friend and my dear Uncle cut ties with the old flame and the new couple started getting hot and heavy. At the beginning of the summer they were engaged, and then in September, me and my lady were on a plane for their wedding.
The drama starts up 10 minutes after landing. My Uncle and his best friend from New York, who is the best man, pick me and Deanna up at the airport. Joey, the best man, is the trashiest man in New York City, but he fits in fine down here. Joey has three teeth. No joke, only three...possibly another in the molar area, but I wasn't about to go all orthodontical on him. He's an often drunk, always high ambulette driver in NYC. During the trip he claimed he drinks an 1/8 of Vodka before he starts his ambulette shift, you know, to get him straight. So, needless to say, he's drunk at the airport and ready to drive me and Deanna to the hotel. Oddly enough we don't die during the drive and we get dropped off at the hotel and meet up with my parents and my brothers.
My mom profusely apologizes for Joey's drunkenness and seems a little embarrassed. If it was just me without Deanna it would've been different. Hell, I was embarrassed. Deanna, god's gift to me, met my folks a couple times and then the next relative she meets she nearly dies in a DWI. I assure her that my Uncle is the only one in my bloodline like this and his gene-traits have been removed from my DNA using technology left over from the filming of 1997's hit sci-fi film Gattaca. My joke goes over her head, because like most of the world, she never heard of the movie Gattaca. It exists: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119177/combined
We were there for 3 days, and I can go on for about 20 pages dissecting minutiae, but I'll do my best to condense all the other non-wedding day related observations to this one paragraph. Here we go: 1.) along the main stretch all there is to eat is food at shitty chain restaurants, and the "restaurants" repeat every mile in exact sequence. 2.) No one walks, everyone drives drunk. 3.) Deanna and I employ the "when in Rome" theory and buy chewing tobacco; we each last about 45 seconds before we spit it out and fight the vomitous feeling for the next hour. 4.) I get my haircut in the local mall and subsequently learn to never get my haircut in a local mall. 5.) Really, really old people work menial, peon jobs. I'm talking Senior Citizens wearing a Sandwich board advertising the all-you-can eat restaurant you'll gorge yourself purple at if you "turn here." 6.) The accent loses its charm when you hear this sentence "Y'all ain't from 'round here, is ya?" about 20 times. 7.) Men's dress shirts are sold sans sleeves. 8.) A young, hip looking, teenage and Caucasian wedding-goer throws me for a loop when he says his favorite band is Bone Thugs-N-Harmony...No one has ever said this sentence...not even Urban black youths at the peak of Bone Thugs' popularity way back in 1996. 9.) Hotel sex is great sex, and I saw my first praying mantis...sadly it landed on me in my room. AND (because it makes for a solid, well-rounded list...(drum roll please)...10.) Did I mention that the wedding took place on my birthday? [insert overly sarcastic voice here] And there's noooo place I would rather be on my birthday than in Johnson (Yee-haw) City, Tennessee. Screw bar-parties with friends in NYC, give me rednecks and $1.89 six-packs of watery-beer any day!
And that's tonight's Top Ten List! Now here's Paul Schaffer and CBS Orchestra...um, ya got any gum?
Now, onto the wedding day....
The family loaded into the cars and all headed to the Brides house to pick up some last minute goodies. Sadly, on the way there, my Uncles brakes decided to no longer do their job, don't worry he parked it safe, but now we have to go to the church in shifts and pack in like well-dressed clowns. Side Note: Deanna is a vegetarian so my Uncle got these gorgeous veggie platters for her which he gorgeously left in the trunk of the brakeless car. This fact plays an important role later in the story.
The wedding took place in a cute little southern church. And the Wedding reception was to be celebrated in the basement of said cute, little southern church. Reception party in a church equals no alcohol which equals no drunken people watching which equals no fun.
The wedding ceremony was nice; A very Christian ceremony. Everyone cleaned up nice and looked dapper in their Sunday bests. After we threw rice, we headed downstairs for the reception. We were all starving since we opted out of breakfast. As we enter the reception room, "Duane's Mobile DJ Service" was playing the Yacht-Rock tunes of the late 70's and Early 80's. We all sit down wherever we wanted and the food was placed on the picnic tables on the far side of the room.
"Eat up." Was called out by the church staff and we all formed a line and prepared to feed our starving faces.
I wanted Lasagna...chicken marsala...fancy HORS'DEORVES...what we got, ladies and gentlemen was oh, so, so sooooo much worse. Reception dinner was catered by none other than the Colonel himself. Colonel Sanders. Yes, KFC.
The local southerners who attended the wedding were pleased as punch...this was living! For the resident NYers we laughed, thinking this was a joke. There were 3 large foil trays filled with deep fried chicken, a platter filled with KFC biscuits, another filled with soupy potato salad, and the last platter was filled with something called Italian Salad...which you would assume would be a green salad with some Italian dressing...but no, Italian Salad is what the rest of the world calls Coleslaw.
Deanna, and I repeat, the vegetarian, basically couldn't eat anything. She's not a vegan, but she belongs to a certain Jewish sect in which mayo is a no-no. So that ruled out the chicken, potato salad and the coleslaw. Another bowl of food was brought to the table. Someone made a green bean dish, Deanna's eyes lit up like a fat kid in the husky department. So she loaded up on the green beans and like 4 biscuits.
We sit and enjoy the food as best we can. I don't think anyone truly loves KFC...it's always food you just settle on. In my humble opinion, I think Popeye's wins the fried chicken battle royale anyway. Two bites into her green beans, Deanna spits them out. The green beans were made Johnson City-style, cooked in a nice pork fat. Mmmmm-mmmm. Southern Cookin'!
Deanna ate biscuits and drank sprite from a can. How sad is that?
I'd say due to the lack of mind-altering drinks and the fact that the DJ didn't understand the fine art of decibel control, the reception was, how should I say this, fucking brief. 45 minutes into the party, I went to the restroom and shat to soothing sounds of "We built this City on Rock n Roll" and when I exited, everyone was gone. When I saw Deanna she looked starving.
That's when we heard the good news. There's a "real reception" happening at the bridesmaid house. There'll be drinks and more food and some good ol' southern fun. We wanted to go there right away but it was suggested that we change out of our clothes so they wouldn't get dirty. We're having Barn Party. A real hoot-n-a-holler jamboree.
Sounds interesting.
After we change, we all pile into the car and follow the directions to the barn. We're all talking about what a barn party means to them and we come upon the conclusion that a barn party is a big shindig, in a giant red barn. A barn with shiny hardwood floors, a dance floor, Food and drinks in one corner and music and dancing in the other. Big floodlights to keep the party goin' all night.. Tons of people, tons of fun, lots of food and drinks...and maybe some well placed hay bales to fool around with your lady on.
When we pulled up to the barn, we were worse than right, we were wrong. My dad summed up the feelings of the car folk with this perfectly timed line.
"OK, so who's gonna pretend their sick so we can leave early?"
What we walked into was a dilapidated working farm shack. New York City is to Johnson City, what the ideal barn is to this barn.
Dirt floors. A sitting area of about 12 feet long and 5 feet wide, a dirty hallway. Horses to the left, horses to right. Dirty dogs and dirtier cats lay strewn about. A hay loft above us in which every step above lead to a dirt and hay rainfall below. There was music...a staticy boom box poorly tuned to a modern country AM station. The wood the barn was constructed of looked so old and dry that if I thought about smoking a cigarette for too long the place would ignite.
Deanna could careless. She wanted food. The hostess led her to the serving area which doubled as a back supply room, or a rape chamber...I'm unsure. Food lined the table, Deanna was salivating. When the Tupperware burped off I watched Deanna's smile decay off her malnourished face. The Tupperware was full of Kentucky Fried Chicken, potato salad, Italian Salad and some biscuits. That's right! The leftovers from the reception! The only addition to the feast was some bags of Cool Ranch Doritos and a generic-Frito-like corn chip. Deanna loaded a plate full of Doritos and Biscuits, and to drink she swallowed her tears.
The Hostess' husband, whose name escapes me so I call him Hucklebuck, asked, "So, Willie, what kinda beer you want?"
"I'll have a Stella."
"Don't got it, what else?"
"A Corona, thanks."
"Nope."
"Amstel Light?" "Haha, nope." "MGD?" "Nuh-uh." "Sam Adams?" "Noper." "Pabst Blue Ribbon?" "Ummm, nope." "Oh, OK, The Silver bullet. Coors light?" "Ew, no." "Alrighty, how bouts a Guiness?" "Yea right!"
At this point I look into the room and see that only Budweiser and Bud Light are sticking out of the ice bucket, but the game is too fun to stop. Why would he ask me what kind of beer I would like? Why not just ask Bud or Bud Light?
"Heineken? LaBatt Blue? Molson Canadien? Lucky Lager? Brooklyn Brewery? Keiths Ale? Lakeport honey? Colt 45? Fosters? Tooheys Gold Bitter? Moosehead? Yukon Cranberry Wheat? Pilsner Urquell? Velkopopovicky Kozel?"
"No we don't have that." He says still smilingly, stupidly Southern.
"That's all the beers I know?"
"You missed the King of all Beers?"
I'm stoned-faced. [blink]
"Budweiser!"
"Bud-wha?" I reply.
"Budweiser, Budlight...C'mon the King of Beers?"
"Nope, never heard of it. Must be a Southern Brand."
"Really, wow? It's like the champagne of beers. I gotta send it to my friends up North."
Sucker.
Meanwhile, Deanna is crying while eating her Doritos and my brother Joey is feeding Doritos to the horse right behind him. This really isn't a party. The Bride and Groom are here, plus my parents and my 2 brothers, me and Deanna and the bridesmaid and her Hucklebuck, and of course Joey the toothless drunk whose having a great time since there is beer present.
Conversation becomes slower and less interesting after a couple hours of nothing but sitting and talking about New York, and then Tennessee, and then New York again.
It's getting dark and a lantern lights the barn/shack. I lose sight of Deanna and 10 minutes later find her sitting in the field. I ask her whats up and she's half crying, half laughing at her lack of food situation. Baby is starving. I tell my Dad I'm not feeling well and that its time to go.
We all head back into the car and aim towards the hotel. The second Deanna and I get in the room she's on the phone and calling the front desk.
"Hi, do you have room service? No. Ok, do you have a phone number for someone that delivers tonight? Somewhere with vegetables and salad...Ok, can I get that number?"
Keep in mind its Sunday night around 10:30PM. Picken's be slim.
She dials. "Hello? Do you deliver to the Radisson Hotel? Yes, OK. Do you have salads? Great. What kind of salads?"
This is my favorite moment. As she's hearing the salad choices her eyes are watering and she murmuring "OK...OK..What else?...thanks...never mind. [click].
"What Happened?" I ask.
"They have," she pauses to choke back a cry "potato salad, chicken salad, ham salad, turkey salad, steak salad and Italian salad."
Meat and Mayonnaise. She goes under the covers and weeps. We go to our last resort, Dominoes. Luckily they're open and can deliver. She gets a pie with olives and pineapple or some shit. I leave the room to hang with my brothers and when I return she is asleep with sauce all over her face and a torn apart pizza box next to the bed with little bits of pizza crust remaining.
Happy Birthday to me. The next day we flew back to NYC.
The one positive I took back from the trip, besides the feeling that my Uncle is finally happy and really loves this woman, is that I bought 4 cartons of smokes for just under $100 bucks. The same smokes in NYC would cost me $272. Guess which state the US wants to kill off sooner? Thanks Tennessee for being super-cancery-cool!!!!
Oh Uber, when I landed and got back to NYC I fantasized about kissing the ground, but who wants to lip lock with black bubble gum spots, bum piss and dog links. In the end, make mine NYC any day!
Will
This is not a picture from the wedding or anything, but it has the matching vibe.
User Reviews
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:49:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
tizdebz,
Why hello...this is awkward.
Please do not show this to my Uncle, or his bride.
iamwillzone at hotmail.com
Submitted by tizdebz (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:34:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thank you Will, this one made my day since I now know how the people who changed their mind about "cruisin'" on the titanic felt after it sunk. Too bad Sue's son doesn't work at Sushi Blues or the Stir Fry, maybe then the guests wouldnt have ended up with chicken grease on their faces.
I'm looking fwd to posting my story as well....take care n keep everyone smiling.
(i always remember you asking your mom if Guinness was going to come back to live with me)
you were so cuuuuuute.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-01 14:12:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and to drink she swallowed her tears
i found the above line to make me snort coffee...
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-01 14:10:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-30 23:21:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
stellas just a normal pint in england.
but then we are pound for pound the richest people on earth.
pity our lives are so miserable.
---
Stella is what Pikeys drink before going home to throw their girlfriends down the stairs.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-12-01 10:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"and no, I don't believe you when you say you get paid for being funny. "
nope, i do. i do commercials that air on tv...i get paid to be in plays...and recently mygroup just got money to produce a timing pilot for a sketch comedy show on tv...
while it doesn't pay all my bills, it sure does help.
so, um, suck it.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-01 06:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
if is wasn't for those -2s you left everywhere.
and no, I don't believe you when you say you get paid for being funny.
Now, if you were to tell me you get paid because you are funny looking, and everyone is laughing AT you, then yeah. I'll buy that for a dollar.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-01 00:17:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-30 23:09:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way, Stella is Budweiser for Nazis and people only drink it because they're trendy poseurs.
---
Awwwww... but we *love* inoffensive, utterly average yellow beer marketed at premium prices.
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2005-11-30 23:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hyuck
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-30 23:21:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
stellas just a normal pint in england.
but then we are pound for pound the richest people on earth.
pity our lives are so miserable.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-30 23:09:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jerry Seinfeld gets paid to be funny, too. "What is *with* airplane food?"
By the way, Stella is Budweiser for Nazis and people only drink it because they're trendy poseurs.
But here's a +2 to make sure you know that you're special and valued and blah blah blah and that the fifty-odd times you've posted since you "rode off into the sunset" have not gone unnoticed.
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2005-11-30 16:21:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-30 16:20:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-30 12:50:22 (#)
Ranking: -1
You're really not funny.
Please retaliate on my posts so I can not give a shit.
--------------------------
hahahaha
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2005-11-30 16:09:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Meh (0)
-2 for being a fuckstick and dropping -2 on other posts.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-11-30 14:54:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe,
Been here a while honey. I won't be going anywhere....but as you can see by my history, I have been posting less because unlike you I have something called a "life" outside of Uber. A career to focus on where, beleive it or not, i get paid to be funny. Wow.
stick itin your pipe, smoke it, get cancer and -2 die.
love,
Will Zone, aka your favorite
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-30 13:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're kidding, right? At least tack "This was pretty crap anyway" on there to give yourself the appearance of maturity.
Everyone is right when they say that you're not very funny. Just deal with it and find something else to spend time on. There's no shame in being unamusing.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-30 12:50:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You're really not funny.
Please retaliate on my posts so I can not give a shit.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
a resounding MEH. This sucked balls.
please see my user info for a list of posts you can -2 and appease your ego.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:35:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/79919
That one wasn't on the uberboard. Go -2 it. Moron.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:18:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
-2 as post was not advertised on uberboard.
that rating rule makes the same amount of sense as the opposite.
deal with it tool.
if ya give for no reason, be prepared to recieve for the same reason.
and i thought your post sucked as well.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:09:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-11-30 09:48:53 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 as post was not advertised on uberboard.
-----
Well, aren't you a little bitch? Retaliatory -2s?
Mine was mostly because it sucked. You're trying too hard to be funny and it isn't working. Now you get -2s for the rest of your natural existence.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-11-30 09:37:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-30 01:38:46 (#)
Ranking: -1
I wish I could get past this irrational disgust for people who link to their posts on the uberboard.
But I can't, and this was pretty crap anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-11-30 01:28:16 (#)
Ranking: -1
if it wasn't for uberboard...
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Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-11-29 19:59:18 (#)
Ranking: -1
You realize this has been done before?
-1 for whoring yourself out on uberboard. Fuckin pathetic.
---------
whats wrong with linking on the uberboard...if you don't want to see a link up there don't click, money put into uberbopard helps keep uber running...i feel asthough i'm doing my part, win win situation...and if that warrants -2's then so be it, but if it gets other people to read my stuff, then thats worth it.
using the same negative rating principle for using the uberboard, i will now neg 2 people who DON'T use the uberboard...its equally as ridiculous.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-11-30 09:08:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-30 01:38:46 (#)
Ranking: -1
I wish I could get past this irrational disgust for people who link to their posts on the uberboard.
But I can't, and this was pretty crap anyway.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-30 08:27:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know they didn't used to let women run marathons because they where concerned their uteruses fell out?
I just learned that and now I can't finish my chicken curry jacket potato.
Submitted by Call911 (user info) at 2005-11-30 08:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Budwieser... ewwwww.
Good choice on the Stella though.
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2005-11-30 04:54:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-11-30 01:50:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That sucks. I don't think of myself as being 'hoity toity' or really much on manners or anything but here is how my ex's mother used to make sheppards pie - and expected actual humans with tastebuds to eat it:
Meat: full fat ground beef, fried in butter & unstrained
Veggie: can of mystery (unlabelled) veggie onsale at local discount supermarket
Sauce: (the best of the best) equal parts ketchup & mustard
And expired instant mashed potatoes for the topping.
Yum yum yum. Soups on!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-30 01:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I wish I could get past this irrational disgust for people who link to their posts on the uberboard.
But I can't, and this was pretty crap anyway.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-11-30 01:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
if it wasn't for uberboard...
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-11-29 19:59:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You realize this has been done before?
-1 for whoring yourself out on uberboard. Fuckin pathetic.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-29 17:37:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck. Have a +2 because I forgot to rate
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-29 17:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Point well made, Mr. Zone. I guess I take it for granted living in Texas and all, that people won't know that southerners don't generally do veggie *anything*. Especially at a barn party.
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-11-29 16:05:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bklyn65 (user info) at 2005-11-28 21:44:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Being from brooklyn and living in alabama I can truly relate to this story.
Rednecks suck!
---------------
HAHAHAHA...we're in the same basstracker...but different ends.
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-11-29 16:03:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can relate to this story on so many levels. I'm from Alabama and now live in New York. It really is two different worlds.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-11-29 15:34:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
We use Miracle Whip in the South, not Mayonaise.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-29 14:57:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and the south shall rise again.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-11-29 14:42:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"My only question is this: How difficult would it have been for you to take your girlfriend to a Pizza Hut or something BEFORE going to the barn party? I mean, if she'd been starving all day, you'd think it would have occured to someone. "
There was no time...we were dependant on other peoples cars and were told we were going to a bigger reception party where there'll be food and drinks...so you think they'll be food you can eat. who eats a pizza hut meal before a reception dinner. we went from first reception to hotel to change then back in the car to head to the barn.
the mayo point might be true.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-11-29 14:32:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know the feeling. Having been coast-to-coast, with stops in between, I find it hard to visit my Dad's side of the family in Benton, Illinois. Its a very small & old fashioned town. They are all redneck, and every one knows every one else.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-11-29 14:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My only question is this: How difficult would it have been for you to take your girlfriend to a Pizza Hut or something BEFORE going to the barn party? I mean, if she'd been starving all day, you'd think it would have occured to someone.
Also... I once told a person that I was allergic to carrots because I just didn't like them. I think your girlfriend's parents just don't like mayo, so they told their kids that it was against their religion to eat it.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the Canadian beers. I don't know if it's available in the US or not, but Oland's Export and Oland's schooner are great canadian beers too.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:22:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is funny in a self-depreciating kind of way. It just has this whole "people-from-NYC-are-superior-to-everyone" sort of vibe going on...which to a non-new yorker is funny in itself....kind of like a French guy picking on a group of Amish folk.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-11-29 10:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i suppose it was worth reading
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-29 10:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I couldn't finish reading it. I got sidetracked by a couple of moths sitting stagnate on a window sill.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-11-29 00:05:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My Aunt who lives in Ft. Morgan, CO (BFEgypt of OClorado) got married on my birthday too. On purpose.
She thought "Well, people all gather for your birthday, so why not save 'em money, and get married the same day." Couldn't have been the day before, or the day after...
Bitch. I'm glad I fucked up most of the photos...
Disposable cameras.... Yeah.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-11-28 23:54:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, these morons in the south actually put ketchup on a hotdog too!
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-11-28 23:02:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, go Lucky and Keiths!
Submitted by bklyn65 (user info) at 2005-11-28 21:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Being from brooklyn and living in alabama I can truly relate to this story.
Rednecks suck!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-28 20:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have a backbone, thank you. I just didn't care for this story and I didn't think the comedy was up to your usual standard.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-28 17:20:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was very entertained.
now i'm leaving.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-28 17:11:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hey!
i'm a southerner now!
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-11-28 17:10:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yea, her family doesn't eat Mayo...never has...she was convinced all jews didn't eat mayo, but after asking several jews if they eat mayo and they do, she was convinced it was only her family doens't eat mayo...i used the word sect to make it sound more cultish...cause thats funnier to me.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-11-28 17:06:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
She's not a vegan, but she belongs to a certain Jewish sect in which mayo is a no-no
WHAT THE FUCK?
-1 for that bit of weirdness.
I don't give a shit if it's her religion, that's fucked up.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-11-28 17:03:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
firefly,
There was special food...which was left in the car. it says that in like the fifth paragraph.
we know how to prepare people for vegetarianism.
Jeanneee,
as for southern bashing...its more like family bashing. this is my blood...transplanted in the south.
if it happenend in NYC i would tell the story just about the same.
and oh yea, grow a backbone.
-will
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-11-28 16:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I always do and if I failed to mention that I don't eat meat, I would not complain if there was nothing for me to eat. I certainly would not cry about the it, espcially when there a people who experience so much worse then one night without food
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-11-28 16:56:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If your girlfriend expected there to be food for her and she has an special diet, you guys should have mentioned something before showing up. I
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-11-28 16:50:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
High Life is the Champagne of Beers. It claims so on the label.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-11-28 16:47:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You tell an amazing story, sir. Very, very good.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-28 16:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Making fun of Southerners is cheaper than taking shots at the President. Get some original material please.
Submitted by Agentmorneo (user info) at 2005-11-28 16:43:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice Title
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-11-28 16:39:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Budweiser is America's "fuck you" to the Beer drinking community.
HOOTENANY!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-28 16:37:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cool