My Psychadelic Journey to the North Pole (773 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 2 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2005-11-28 17:03:49 EST
Let me tell you about Wally. He was a regular college guy just like myself, with a taste for alcohol, cute girls, and slacking. He wasn't exactly popular, but the small crowd he had around him suited his needs just fine. I guess the only striking feature about Wally was his dimunitive stature. By all scientific accounts he was a dwarf, but I didn't really think so. I mean, his body was exactly proportional to that of a "normal" human, just in a half-size package. I would have called him a hobbit if I wasn't afraid of the pounding I would have received; Wally was expert at finishing fights. With anybody. A few of our school's linebackers can attest to that.
But as long as he wasn't provoked, Wally was an awesome guy, albeit slightly reserved. You see, he loved making toys. Specific toys. 3 specific kinds of toys, as a matter of fact: rag dolls (male and female); electronic toys (PDA's, cell phones, laptops); "adult" toys (male and female...you get the idea).
I never questioned his hobby, but I did marvel at his amazing efficiency--he churned out roughly 40 to 50 of high quality toys every day and shipped them out via our campus post office. And that was on top of a brutal courseload. I should know: we were both in all the same computer science classes, after all. For all of his eccentricities, however, Wally was, as I mentioned earlier, a regular college guy.
Or so I thought.
In our senior year, we went out drinking one night to celebrate the last final of the fall semester. For whatever reason, we got particularly plastered that night. He could hold his own considering his frame, but a fifth of vodka will wreak havoc on anyone. I don't remember much of that night except for our fateful conversation...
Wally: "Heyyy, broooo. BRO! Huh huh huh, hey man, I think you're drunk!"
Me: "Uhhhhhhhh...nnnnno. I think...uhhhh, I think....gimme your keys, dude."
Wally: "I thought we walked here, maaaan!"
Me: "Did we? "
Wally: "I think so....ummm...waitaminute, I don't have a car, bro!!"
Me: "Oh yeah..."
Wally: "Hey...you wanna go home with me?"
Me: "Look, Wally, I already told you I'm not into that shhhhhit!"
Wally: "No, man! I mean come check out where I live! Where I'm from..."
Me: "Hmm...uhhhhhhhh...oh yeah, where do you live, anyways??"
Wally: "Here, sniff some of this!"
Me: "Whoa, fuckface! I don't do cocaine!"
Wally: "This ain't cocaine, man! It's magic elf-dust!"
Me: "Oh! Why didn't you say so?"
The last thing I remember that night is snorting some rainbow-colored dirt...
"WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!"
I was absolutely startled out of my mini-coma, but I thought I was still dreaming based on the picture my eyes sent to my brain. I saw an old, tall, fat guy, probably in the 65-year-old, 6'2", 320-pound range. He reminded me of Santa Claus, but he was only wearing a wife-beater and boxers and for some strange reason, suspenders. But it couldn't have been, I thought. Surely, Jolly old Saint Nick would let his left nut hang out his boxers like that.
Santa: "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU??!?"
Me: "I...I...uhh..."
Santa: "Goddammit, are you a new hire? Five fucking days until Christmas and we hire an oversized rookie. Just fucking great! I'm going to have a one-on-fucking-one with someone at human resources about this. Jeeesus CHRIST!!"
Christ: "Yes, my son?"
Santa: "No, not you. Go back to your hosting duties. And lay off the acid."
Christ: "Alrighty then. Peace be with you."
Santa: "You! What's your specialty?"
Me: "What?"
Santa: "Your specialty! Cloth, electronics or adult?"
Me: "I, uh...I guess I like...do a little of each...?"
Santa: "Oh! You're a multifunctional, are you? Why didn't you say so! Of course HR would hire you, then! Well then, just go to the Rudolph wing and Wallace will be there to explain things. I'll have to talk to Mrs. Claus about sewing up a triple-XL elf suit...I hope that bitch can lay off the vodka long enough to do that much for me. Go on!"
With a blink, he disappeared. Despite my utter confusion, I stumbled upon the Rudolph wing, where I met Wally, who appeared quite different than he did at school.
----to be continued----
User Reviews
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-10-03 12:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Consider for a moment, any beauty in the name Ralph. "
-Zappa
But alas, Wally works too.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-03 12:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is stellar.
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2005-12-07 11:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm wasn't happy with the portrayal of Santa, I've met him on numerous occasions and he has always been the consummate professional.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-29 16:12:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ScholicHockenberry (user info) at 2005-11-29 15:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd have to say that me and lana got much enjoyment out of this story...it would bode well to finish it for fear the wraith of scholichockenberry...bitches...
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-28 21:02:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it really hammers your optic nerves fast when you snort it..Wait!, i,i, I Never did that shit!
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-11-28 17:23:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I normally like ytou suff so this is a +2 in good faith that this will eventually go somewhere.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-11-28 17:22:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I require more.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-11-28 17:05:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh heh heh