A Rose that smells like Shit (2844 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.97 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-11-28 19:04:38 EST
A long time friend of mine operates a prawn trawler and makes a reasonable existence from it. Its hard work and he is sometimes at sea for up to a week chasing a catch worthy to bring home for market. I have been out with him many times and always enjoyed the experience but I am here to tell you after days at sea, rolling around in the ocean it is always good to set foot on dry land again.
We caught up at a mutual friends party once and he was telling me he was dry docking his boat the next weekend, he had bought a new electric winch motor for retrieving the nets and was going to fit it but wasn't looking forward to doing it alone. I hadn't planned anything for that weekend so I offered to help if he took me out for a days fishing, which he readily agreed.
The dry dock was a slipway near the mouth of the river and is nothing more then a large fenced off area that was crammed with stored boats on trailers and boat frames that boats sat on out of water. This yard has an overhead crane, which was a huge steel frame that the crane travelled on from one end to the other. The foulest woman you could imagine who had the most unfortunate name of Rose managed the yard.
Rose wasn't a pretty woman in fact if you didn't know she was female you would swear she was a man. She was a large woman but not overly fat and had no visible breasts. She had a masculine face with rough features and her skin was a leathery brown from many years in the sun. I couldn't even have guessed at her age.
There was no one at the yard when we arrived except for Rose who scowled at us as we drove up to her "I hope you fuckers aren't going to make my day difficult" was the greeting we got as we jumped from the car.
I was introduced to the effervescent Rose and Greg explained to her that we were putting a new winch motor in his boat and all we needed from her was to drive the crane to pull the net boom off so we could swap the motors. She grunted her consent and told us to give her a yell when we were ready.
We set to work and unhooked the netting boom, which held the nets in place while trawling. I volunteered to go fetch the ever-pleasant Rose to get her to drive the crane. Near the gate we drove through was a demountable office and I headed off toward it because the last time we saw her she went into it. I came through the door calling her name but there was no answer. The office was a little dark and upon entering it I could see she was not office proud as all sorts of crap lay about the place.
She was seated on a seat behind her desk with her head thrown back, her eyes were closed and her mouth hung open. Her arms hung at her sides and I called her name hoping she was just asleep. I called her name twice more, louder each time with no response. Moving toward her my heart started pumping a little faster as the thought she had suffered a heart attack or stroke went through my mind.
Standing beside her now calling her name I was convinced she was dead. I couldn't see her chest rising and falling with breathing as I tried to recall resuscitation training. I moved my hand toward her face to feel for warmth and I cursed God "please don't make me give this woman mouth to mouth"
My hand had only just touched her leathery cheek with enough time to register the warmth of life when her foot shot up from the floor hitting me square in the balls making me buckle over in agony.
"You fucking pervert" she spat "were you going to rape me?"
"I thought you were dead" I managed to wheeze while holding my balls.
She had jumped to her feet and facing me she went on with "how do I know you didn't feel me up before I woke?"
I moved and sat in the other chair in obvious pain as I held my balls and answered "trust me, feeling you up was never on my mind, I was just seeing if you were alive"
This answer seemed to confuse her a little as she stood silent watching me hold my balls, the pain now subsiding a little. I explained to her that we were ready for her to drive the crane to remove the net booms and when I could stand I followed her out toward Greg's boat. We got the booms lifted and went to work replacing the motor with Greg laughing like a lunatic at what had happened in Rose's office.
The job took a little longer then we expected but before long we had it in place and were ready to crane the booms into place but we couldn't find Rose anywhere, not even in her office. It was late in the day and we surmised she had gone home or something. We didn't feel comfortable using the crane so we looked at other options to lower the boom into place.
We decided to tie the boom to the gantry with rope and lower it in place that way but we needed a counter balance in case it was too heavy for us and dropped. The closest thing to the boat was a porta potty which had a hook on the roof for loading onto a truck for transport. I measured off some rope and tied it in place and we stood looking at what we set up and agreed it looked like it would work.
After unhooking the boom from the crane, we tested its weight against the porta potty, it held firm. Lowering the rope as slow as I could I watched Greg manoeuvre the boom into place just as he tripped on something and grabbed the boom to stop his fall. The extra weight he added to the boom pulled the rope from my grip, which slid through my hands. The boom crashed onto the boat from about a 3-foot drop and a thunderous sloshing crash echoed behind me.
I turned to see the porta potty laying on its side with water rushing out of it in every direction. I uttered a soft "fuck" just as screaming issued from its interior. "Rose is in there" I yelled running toward the over turned porta potty. I couldn't open the door from the outside and the combination of the screaming and the horrible smell set me into a mild panic. Greg arrived beside me just as the door swung in a downward arc and hit the ground releasing a torrent of putrid water that we both jumped back from.
Rose was on her hands and knees scrambling from the wreckage. The smell was unbearable as Rose got to her feet. She stood there soaking wet covered in bits of tissue paper and lumps of shit, fetid water dripping from her as Greg exclaimed, "Um Rose, you don't have any pants on". Looking down at her groin it became obvious her shorts and underpants were a wet brown mess around her ankles and it occurred to me that I had never seen a more hairy groin area. She had pubic hair almost from her navel down past her vagina and onto her inner thighs and it hung with that look, wet pubic hair has but hers were extraordinarily long.
I was disseminating this fact when my bemusing was interrupted by Greg screaming "Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuun". My gaze returned to Roses face, which was one of manic psychotic madness.
She stepped out of her shorts one foot at a time and lividly spat "You cunts are dead meat" before springing at us with what I imagined was murderous intent on her mind. I turned and ran faster then an Ethiopian with a McDonalds voucher and didn't look back until I had jumped into Greg's car, which he slammed into gear and gunned toward the gate.
Fearing for my life I turned back to see Rose naked from the waist down running after us screaming obscenities whilst shaking her fist at us. "I don't think she is very happy," I said almost to myself. Greg turned to me and said "can I stay at your house tonight? She has my home address is all" nodding my head I said "sure" still watching the half naked Rose run after us as the distance between us grew.
User Reviews
Submitted by SantaClaus (user info) at 2006-09-19 13:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
dsa
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-07 20:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ARM-IN-ASS!
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-09-07 20:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was too good. I wish there was a +3 option.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very good post.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-12-02 07:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i got a boner reading this
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-29 20:57:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-29 20:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it all. The pic too.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-29 20:51:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
was the pubic hair long enough that, when wet, the hanging clumps would swing to and fro?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-29 20:46:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You consistently offer up quality stuff around here.
In contrast to, well, me.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-11-29 20:30:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn dude, what a story! ++++
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-11-29 20:06:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you ask mr. glall man sir to review your posts, but you don't ask me? why not? do you even know me? no? so i guess that night we had in boston after we saw the band and then went down to the street next to the river and had drinks with the little umbrellas in it and you said you liked my shirt and i said 'oh, this old thing?' and then we went back to the hotel that overlooked the pacific ocean and made sweet man love.
you're such an asshole.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-29 19:14:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If this is, or any of your stories, even a tinge based on reality then you are my hero, sir. You deserve to eat chocolate cake every day and not grow fat.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-29 17:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-11-29 15:03:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Coleman: But the menu said "galaxy of prawns". Three prawns are hardly a galaxy! What do you mean, "your hands are tied"?! Let me talk to Mr. Kwan.
Bart: I want to see how this turns out.
Lisa: [holding phone cord] The phone's not even plugged in!
Coleman: Alright, you listen to me, Kwan. Hang on, I got another call. [click] Yes, Mr. President! I can be in Washington right away!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-29 15:23:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha!
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-11-29 15:09:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rose sounds like a character out of "the cider house rules"
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-11-29 15:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Coleman: But the menu said "galaxy of prawns". Three prawns are hardly a galaxy! What do you mean, "your hands are tied"?! Let me talk to Mr. Kwan.
Bart: I want to see how this turns out.
Lisa: [holding phone cord] The phone's not even plugged in!
Coleman: Alright, you listen to me, Kwan. Hang on, I got another call. [click] Yes, Mr. President! I can be in Washington right away!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-29 11:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius post.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-29 11:42:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-11-28 19:09:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
That reminds me to get drunk and fuck my dog
----------------
I say a big what the fuck to both shitfuck and Saxon
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-29 11:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well...as Poison said, "every rose has its thorn..."
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-11-29 08:40:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Even though I don't believe this is true, it's still funny. No one would just sit in a porta-potty while someone else attached hooks firmly to said john without making it known she was in there. Well thought out though.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-11-29 08:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-11-29 07:43:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
~*~CLAPS~*~
Well done.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-11-29 04:45:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another amazing issue of "The Saxon Tales" do not adjust your television set....
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-29 03:33:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Shudders*
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-29 03:16:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA Ethiopian with a hahahahahahahaha ooooh that was a goodun
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-11-29 01:15:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Grrrrroooosssss!! funny but gross.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-11-28 23:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the slow roll in my gut when reading about Rose's nether regions.
Jayzuz.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-11-28 23:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-28 22:25:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She had pubic hair almost from her navel down past her vagina and onto her inner thighs and it hung with that look, wet pubic hair has but hers were extraordinarily long.
Dude...just, dude.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-11-28 22:04:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You fucking pervert" she spat "were you going to rape me?"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-11-28 21:26:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Knocking porta-potties over with people in them is fun as fuck.
Bonus points if you push it down a hill.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-28 21:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As soon as i read "porta potty", my eyes lit up.
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-11-28 21:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-11-28 20:39:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jackass anybody?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-11-28 20:21:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-28 19:57:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-11-28 19:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heehee!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-28 19:21:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ooooh foul... but funny. the next time i have a nightmare i'll blame it on you and your imagery.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-28 19:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear to God the weirdest things happen to you. Or maybe it's just your perspective on the ordinary and mundane.
Either way, it's funny as hell.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-28 19:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh
My
Gawd!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-28 19:10:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was eating while I read this, and, strangely, I was fine until the description of the pubic hair.
Now I can't look at my food anymore.
It isn't your fault. It's mine.
Great picture at the end, by the way.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-11-28 19:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That reminds me to get drunk and fuck my dog.