My graduation trip extortion or how The Godfather got me free ham and cheese. (617 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 0.87 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Pelvis Man (View user info) at 2005-11-28 23:11:27 EST
Hello there, Uberusers. I'm the Pelvis Man and I live in Argentina, which, in case you're wondering, is the triangle-shaped hole located 4500 miles south of the USA. And yeah, it blows. Well, not quite, but it does when you have to go through a map. At least Mexico doesn't have that problem. I mean, how hard to understand can "South of Texas" be? I know Mexicans suck at English and Americans don't give a flying damn about Spanish, but still it's not that difficult. Globalization owns my ass once again.
Anyways, I've been reading Bored at Work for a while and really like the stuff that goes on at Ubersite, so I decided I might give it a try and join the community, in order add another thing to my list of stuff to do online instead of getting a job and studying for my finals. And what better way to introduce myself than telling a wannabe funny story? As far as I know, some may think otherwise. Ok, maybe racist rants or insulting popular users are better ways to attract positive feedback, but I'm not good at that.
For the sake of the storytelling (and my own sanity) I will assume that most of you, fellow readers, live in the USA, or at least anywhere with a culture very different to mine. Here, in Argentina, like in most places, we have a fucked up educational system. I won't get into details, but our idea of a secondary school is slamming our heads into our teacher's asses for 3 to 5 years until the "Graduation trip" comes in our senior year. Graduation trip is our equivalent to Prom.
In prom, boys look desperately for a date that will spread at the after party, dress like dorks and drive a crappy limo to a fancy place and waste their parent's hard earned money in an expensive one night party. Or at least that's how American movies we see here show it.
In our graduation trip, we travel to Bariloche, a skiing and touristic resort, in the Andes mountain chain. It's like Asspen but mormonless and with 8 clubs. There, we look desperately for horny catholic girls who will spread at the hotel, dress like dorks, drive a fancy bus to a crappy 2-star hotel waste our parent's hard earned money in an expensive 8-night intoxicated club tour.
Believe me, it's better than I can describe. Heck I would describe my whole trip, but my memory of those glorious days phails horribly, and you've got partying to thank for that. So, you get me lots of nice +2 and I might tell more about the trip, or other shitty stories like how I got my nickname and stuff.
Maybe our educational system isn't the best, but in our graduation trip I did learn quite a few things. For example, that the wrong combination of substances might make you end up in the nerds' room, shaking your whole body in the carpeted floor while watching a History Channel documentary about the destruction derby. Or that a 4 hour trekking tour with wet, cold feet is not the best treatment for a heavy hangover. Or that a guitar case is a great place to smuggle stuff.
Yet, the most valuable lesson I learned was one rather sober afternoon. Well, I was as sober as the guy who created the latest Twisted tales of Felix the cat was, but I was indeed better that most of the nights I spent there. So, anyways, my friends have a passion for having a beer while eating a "Picada" (several little plates with pieces of ham, cheese, salami, chips, etcetera), so we found a bar to get some.
The place was a normal style, middle sized bar/restaurant, and, if I recall correctly, it was quite empty. In fact, I think we were totally alone. The five of us sat at the table: two normal guys, a skinny, freaky, curly haired guy, a rather wide and tall half-Korean guy, and me. When the waitress came to take our order, he boys asked a "Picada" for four, and I had some hot cocoa, partly to piss them of, partly to get some heat, and partly fearing the beer might make a disaster in my stomach, liver, brain, and anything in my body that wasn't totally screwed already.
Suddenly, the owner came towards our table and started to chat with us, out of boredom, I guess. We, being the shameless cheap bastards we were, and running a little short on cash since it was close to the end of the trip, asked the guy for some free ham and cheese. The boys were all like "C'mon, dude, be nice, be cool, we already bought some."
The owner, for reasons I prefer not to think about, looked at the big half-Korean guy and answered something like "With a guy like that you shouldn't need to beg for free food. He looks big and seems like he doesn't need more food."
That's when I woke up. Maybe I was hungry and wanted some food. Free food is something you just don't let pass by. That's what they teach you in military school. I guess, because I didn't went to a military school. But with hungry people out there, one has to be a little spoiled brat to throw food away. Ok, I am a little spoiled brat, but God forbid I wouldn't get any free food. Maybe the substances were kicking back in and I was trying to be a bigger idiot than usual. Or maybe it was plainly just my Italian heritage wanting to come out on stage and kick ass in a smooth Marlon Brandon style. Whatever it was, it made me react. I looked up to the owner, and, pointing to the Korean guy, calmly said:
"Well, y'know, my big friend here can give you protection."
"Protection?" asked, astonished, the owner.
Well, he didn't get the joke. Or he wanted to play along. In any case, I'm not a quitter and hate when someone doesn't get a joke, so I'm willing to take any prank as far as it gets:
"Y'know. Protection. You give us some more ham and cheese and he can give you protection."
Awkward look from the waiter. My friends drop the friendly beggar attitude, shut up, and stare at me. I don't realize what the heck I was doing. And they don't realize that they're helping the mafia atmosphere and our unintended thug attitude. And believe me, 3 whites, one south-American and one Korean were as close to looking like mafia thugs as Weird Al Yankovich is close to looking like a host of a free-style rap battle between Tom Hanks and Richard Nixon, 8-mile style. My idiotic brain shuts down the already dumb common sense voice and takes the offer of the stupid, dangerous joker, thus breaking the silence.
"Well Bariloche is a rather large town. Accidents can happen."
I will never know for sure what was in the owner's mind when he left for the kitchen. However, after being remembered by my friends that I shouldn't always joke about that, since people might not understand and take it seriously, the waitress came back with two plates of cheese and ham. Free. And a few minutes later she brought a bottle of beer, smiling as she said "It's on the house, don't worry."
Intoxicated dumbasses 2 - Clueless bar management 0.
Finally, the owner came back and we paid the bill. He was smiling too, and was really nice around us. On our way out, my friends reprimanded me for threatening the owner, but I didn't care: how should I expect understanding from people who have yet to watch The Godfather?
Fuck them, I made the guy an offer he couldn't refuse and got away with it, without having to cut any horse's head. Besides, I saved some ham and cheese for the munchies.
In conclusion, there's only one lesson to be learned here. A very simple math equation:
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-29 17:10:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well, I'll give you a +2 just for being from Argentina - write some more stuff, I tire of the usual Anglo-American rants
Submitted by Pelvis_Man (user info) at 2005-11-29 08:25:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-11-28 01:57:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Christ, you people think I have nothing better to do than make staggered batches of alters and wait 6 months for email verification for each so that I always have a fresh alter handy?
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Oh, good to know that everyone gets their e-mail verification late. I tried 12 times and I was starting to think the nice folks at Ubersite were dating my girlfriends, stealing my bank/couch savings, eating my lunch and raping my grandma while I sat like a dork for 24 hours or less before getting the message.
Come to think of it, my granny is more happy and smiling than usual..
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Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-11-29 07:41:56 (#)
Ranking: 1
"That's what they teach you in military school. I guess, because I didn't went to a military school."
I don't know if it is the bad grammer, or the complete nonsense of this line that made me laugh, but either way it worked.
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D'oh. You'd guess anyone with an A on his FCE wouldn't write "Didn't go", but I guess it just slipped. Allow me to remind you that, being from Argentina, Spanish is my native language, and I only speak english as a second language.
Anyways, thanks for the feedback.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-11-29 07:41:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"That's what they teach you in military school. I guess, because I didn't went to a military school."
I don't know if it is the bad grammer, or the complete nonsense of this line that made me laugh, but either way it worked.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-29 01:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-11-29 00:08:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-28 23:29:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
This has got to be Method.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-11-28 01:57:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Christ, you people think I have nothing better to do than make staggered batches of alters and wait 6 months for email verification for each so that I always have a fresh alter handy?
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Damnit, your asking the question i wanted to ask.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-11-29 00:08:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-28 23:29:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
This has got to be Method.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-11-28 01:57:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Christ, you people think I have nothing better to do than make staggered batches of alters and wait 6 months for email verification for each so that I always have a fresh alter handy?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-28 23:33:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Palacio de Justicia, por favor. Tengo problemas con La Migra.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-28 23:29:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This has got to be Method.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-28 23:21:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh lordy, why did my last comment sound like a redneck's?
I'm going to bed.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-28 23:20:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jejejejee
Bienvenido a Ubersite. Esperamos que usted pase un buen tiempo aqui.
No toque los animales, y no habla a Method.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-28 23:19:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Believe me, it's better than I can describe. Heck I would describe my whole trip, but my memory of those glorious days phails horribly, and you've got partying to thank for that. So, you get me lots of nice +2 and I might tell more about the trip, or other shitty stories like how I got my nickname and stuff. "
You can't bribe this here Uber crowd.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-28 23:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
um, what?