where do I go from here? (929 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: nonfiction
Rating: 1.88 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourgeoftheseas (View user info) at 2005-11-29 11:50:18 EST
I woke up early. The sky was the shade of purple it takes on right before night slips away and the blue that colors our lives took the sky. Maybe quarter 'til five.
I slipped out of bed without making much noise and walked into the front room. I opened the door and walked out, family dog trailing me. As we hit about the halfway point of the yard she simply stopped and sat down facing the rear of the lot.
That's when I heard the birds.
Our yard was huge, the back alone was about an acre and a half. In the very rear of the property there was a ring of about eight trees with a large clearing in the middle. A few old oaks, some sugar maples, and two apples.
The trees that made the ring were all covered in birds. The ground between was covered as well, and circling above in the sky were more. Thousands of birds.
As I walked up I was sure they would take to the sky when I got too close. But, as I hit the edge of the ring they hopped or flew far enough to stay out of my reach. I walked to the center of the clearing and stopped. I turned around in place and saw that the birds hadn't left at all, the ring of them stopped about three and a half feet away, drawing a circle around me.
I sat down in the wet morning grass and stared around me. I don't really recall having any thought processes, any apprehension or happiness or fear. Nothing. Maybe one of my first experiences with being clear minded. I don't know, maybe your whole experience as a kid is clear mindedness, being open. Not until later do you learn to fill your mind with traps and pitfalls and garbage....
The grocery store about a mile up the road had a huge loading bay door. Every day, the same time, it would rattle up and hit the top with a huge bang. Gunshot loud.
At hearing this the flock rose into the air all at once the only noise they were making now was the whisper of feathers against the air. Magnified by thousands it wasn't a whisper any longer. It was a soft roar. The cloud was so big it momentarily blocked the newly risen sun.
My four year old self popped up, smiling and headed back towards the house and the happy to see me tail-wagging dog.
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It got to be harder to wake up in the mornings and maintain that kind of clarity and ease with living.
I got used to being broke and slaving away at what I thought would be a career, a calling really. I started as an apprentice, at the ripe old age of fourteen, to a classically trained French chef. I eventually trained and worked with two others as I progressed.
I kept at it until they told me I wasn't going to learn anything else without doing it on my own.
So I left, helped a guy with money and no talent become wealthier than he already was. I ran the show for him, called all the shots, made all the decisions, did all the hiring, all the firing...it's hard to fire someone just so your boss can save a few thousand bucks a month.
Finally, after about two and a half years, he decided that my salary was too high for his taste. That he could make a go of it without me. He was too cowardly too outright fire me, however. Hired a few guys in. One ran the bar, the other ran the floor staff. I got a demotion from being the chef, the guy who called the shots, to being kitchen manager. I stayed because my salary didn't change. My attitude did.
Then they started calling shots on what I did, on how to run MY restaurant, and he backed them up. And my salary kept NOT changing for a long time.
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The first cigarette of the day was always the one that did the trick.
That's what woke me up during that chapter of my life. No birds. No morning stillness.
It was the one that enabled me to climb out of bed and face the world. The buzz, the blare of the clock, shocking me out of the comfort of the worlds that only existed in my slumbering mind. The worlds that I created for my own sanity. The worlds that are there to keep the center of balance where it needs to be, for equilibrium to be maintained...the tearing away from this place is a shock every new day. It causes physical pain, withdrawal. This sensation allows me to understand why babies scream when they're born.
I would reach for the crumpled pack, the scarred Bic, never opening my eyes. It's too early for that kind of interaction with the world yet. Reality couldn't rush me at this point or I may have lost the tenuous grip I had. As the acrid smoke filled my mouth, my throat and lungs and the chemicals had their way with my bloodstream, I could feel the change. Like crossing a bridge.
This small meditation at the beginning of the day...it helped me to stay sane and fairly peaceful. I had my best, my most lucid thoughts before I ever opened my eyes. This was the time when I would decide that I was going to make a difference, that I needed to make amends for the wrongs that I had committed, that I could make myself and the world better...
And, like the dreams that melted under the scream of the clock, these ponderings, they always faded away before I found my way back to my bed at night. Good intentions have a tendency to burn away under the assault.
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I found another guy without talent, but with a bankroll. His place was already established, but had been going downhill, losing a lot of business. Money was walking out his door.
I bumped his profit margin from a 27% to a nice fat 33% in the first year. He never paid out another hour of overtime the whole time I was there. Overhead dropped. I was good at this.
He remodeled the upstairs loft space at my suggestion, opened a martini bar/club area. This doubled our business. The cash infusion at the beginning was paid off in full within five months.
We watched rich guy number one lose business and then finally close shop about a year after I left. We had a bottle of wine to celebrate, in my martini bar.
This lasted a little longer. About four years.
Then he hired a bar manager. And a floor manager. An almost identical situation played itself out.
I got fed up.
I eventually left.
My notice consisted of telling him, after he told me to learn my place in the new order, "You need to fucking die man."
This is how I ended a nine year chapter of my life.
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I quit smoking when I didn't have a real job. I still brought home money, just nothing like the amount I was used to. I did photo work professionally, I love this and still do it whenever I can, which isn't often. I did some sub-contracting work, mostly restoration work with antique woods and tiles. This I love even more.
I love working with my hands. Creating or recreating what was already there. Bringing something back to its original grandeur.
I traveled around the country a bit. Saw a lot of bands. Did a lot of camping and hiking.
This was probably the happiest time of my adult life up until that point.
Reality set in after about a year and a half of trying to float this way. My savings were rapidly being depleted. Time to get a new job.
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I kept going to school while I worked in my first profession and while I was in happy mode.
Now I'm here. I'm still young and I'm on my second career. I've been doing this for about threer years. I thought I loved this too when I started. I was wrong.
Now, I come to work, stare at my monitor, hate my boss, hate a lot of what my job consists of...I don't think I'm going to last thirty or twenty or even ten years doing this.
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The other day I woke up really early, the last day before the long break for the holiday. I had about three hours to kill before I needed to get ready for work.
I've been miserable for a while. I can't keep doing this. But I felt calm that morning. I made a cup of coffee and went out to sit on the porch. It felt good to just sit there, my neighborhood is quiet at five in the morning. Most of those living around me seemed to have taken the week off already, so there was no movement.
The only sound came from those birds that had yet to leave for warmer climes.
A cardinal landed in front of me. He looked at me and screamed. I've been bad about feeding them since the Boy showed up. Small things have gone by the wayside.
I stood up to go get the food and he didn't leave. He just stared at me and screamed again. They're impatient little fuckers.
As I threw the food on the ground more and more of them landed.
This brought back that first memory. I felt clear again, watching them.
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I'm going to quit this fucking job. Not right now. Long gone are the days where I can afford to quit by telling someone to fuck off.
I have to consider the Wife and the Boy, always and first. She quit working to stay at home with him. I bring it home or it doesn't come home.
I think I'm going to try and open my own restaurant. I can use my hands to work again. I can use my own creativity in my work again. Nobody and nothing will be able to fuck me over but my own failure.
Two to three years. That's my goal.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-26 14:21:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how are you coming on this goaL? I often think I need to change careers but man it's hard. It's so easy to become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and then on top of that to have this boy of mine to worry about. i'll figure out what I want to be when I grow up one of these days I suppose.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 13:01:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-02-18 20:41:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:39:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've had it up to here with your shennanigans, I'm going through and -2ing ALL of your posts!
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:31:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE MYSELF!!
SIGNED,
SCOURGEY
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:39:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95020#2202073
banning attempt
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-15 09:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And, like the dreams that melted under the scream of the clock, these ponderings, they always faded away before I found my way back to my bed at night. Good intentions have a tendency to burn away under the assault.
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This description of the first cigarette of the day hits home fo me too.
I don't smoke it anymore, but I vividly recall those few moments of half-lucid pondering..thinking how much promise the day would hold and all that I'd do with it. The actions I mean to take on the good intentions still fall away, far too often.
I'm getting better, though.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-18 18:08:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This is an older piece so it's really unfair of me to pick it apart.
You exhibit the same sort of quirk in your current writing though.
It feels like there's a hard break at the end of each sentence you write... almost as though I have to take a breath each time.
There should be some sort of natural flow to it. Tis something I am certain you can clean up. I'm fond of your writing in terms of subject matter and descriptiveness.
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie penis?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-20 02:49:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-12-01 16:08:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was beautiful. Rich descriptions, great flow and it had a lot of personal feeling in it. One of the better things I've read on this site in awhile.
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This was great.
Thank You.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-12-01 16:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was beautiful. Rich descriptions, great flow and it had a lot of personal feeling in it. One of the better things I've read on this site in awhile.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-11-29 22:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a moment like this at the last job I quit. I looked around at what I was doing, where I was, and relived every life-altering event that placed me there. My head filled with so much hate for everything that I'd done with my life, that after two minutes, I became euphoric. At that moment, I didn't care if I had to sleep on the street and eat bugs for dinner, as long as I could say that I left that job before it became comfortable.
Now I'm calling it my momentary lapse of reason, because I should have just slacked off and saved some money before up and leaving. Quitting out of the blue is the wrong thing to do...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-29 18:43:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining read
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-11-29 18:19:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a good read.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-29 17:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
There was no pumpkin pie. This made me feel sad.
Submitted by bonnee (user info) at 2005-11-29 17:52:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you make pumpkin pie?
I would like a pumpkin pie.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-11-29 14:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well written.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-29 14:06:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:59:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Life is too short to hate what you do 40 hours a week. You really should go for it.
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yes but eventually reality sets in. somewhere along the line you trade happiness for the ability to buy groceries. stupid biological needs.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-29 14:04:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm kicking around a few similar ideas in my head. It's funny how having other people dependant on you increases your ability to put up with bullshit.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:51:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
loki-
I intend to. I just have to make sure that I do it right,hence the time frame.
Capt. T-
Well, shucks. That's a mighty damn high compliment coming from the man who did this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/79919
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:45:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:34:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
Childhood is a foul time, the notion that children are innocents is one of the most absurd lies.
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Berty- I was really speaking more to the time of life before forced social interaction. Time spent with yourself, or with your parents, if you are lucky enough to have had good parents.
I had a damn fine time as a child. I also had a damn miserable time.
How old are you anyway?
---
The only way to be truly sure is to hack a limb off and count the rings.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:59:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Life is too short to hate what you do 40 hours a week. You really should go for it.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:50:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"And, like the dreams that melted under the scream of the clock, these ponderings, they always faded away before I found my way back to my bed at night."
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:47:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Exceptional
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Childhood is a foul time, the notion that children are innocents is one of the most absurd lies.
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Berty- I was really speaking more to the time of life before forced social interaction. Time spent with yourself, or with your parents, if you are lucky enough to have had good parents.
I still think what I'm about to say is valid, however. In some ways I agree with this line of yours, in others, no. I think even in their cruelty, children go into it open minded. There is not as much back thought and reflection to taint what they are doing. It's a matter of acting without thought. In kids this can play out as being a little more animalian than in adults. It's really the clear minded state that I meant, not necessarily innocence
This can be good or bad if you really want to assign it a value. The ability to approach a situation without preconceived notions seems invigorating. It has an allure. To approach every new event in your life without prejudices. Some people spend a good chunk of their adult life trying to get back to this place. I don't know that it can actually happen, as an adult you do have the past experience that will always flavor what you do. But, you go into the situation actively suppressing the prejudices and using the reason and compassion that, hopefully, came with growing up. This isn't the same thing, but it's a good enough substitute I suppose. I don't know. Now I'm just running on...
I had a damn fine time as a child. I also had a damn miserable time.
How old are you anyway?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:30:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best thing i've read all week.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:17:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know, maybe your whole experience as a kid is clear mindedness, being open. Not until later do you learn to fill your mind with traps and pitfalls and garbage....
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You're a little older than me so I guess you've forgotton what it's like to be a kid. It's full of confusion because you don't know what's going on in the world, frustration as you learn slowly how to live and fighting. Lots and lots of fighting, 'cause you don't know any better.
Cruelty is a large part of many childrens lives. Every school, every playground, has been the scene of torture and malice. I remember the lives of my peers, the things I did to them, the things they did to me and the things they did to one another. I went to good schools in a nice area.
Childhood is a foul time, the notion that children are innocents is one of the most absurd lies.
p.s. my family has a saying: Cherish every moment that you are bored, for it means you have nothing to worry about. Dunno if it's relevant but it's good wisdom.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was real nice.
Definitely something I can relate to.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:02:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:00:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get out of my brain.
You did an incredible job with this...nicely done.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-11-29 11:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah man. I can relate.