Free to good home (2259 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.69 on 93 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-29 11:57:51 EST
"Don't chew on the.. whatever it is you're chewing on.. what the fuck are you chewing on?"
"Glowstick."
"Don't chew on the glowstick."
"I'm not."
"It's in your mouth and you're biting it, woman."
"No, I'm delicately cracking the fragile glass tube inside the thick outer plastic to help the chemicals disperse and make the glow brighter."
"You're fucking chewing on a fucking glowstick."
"It's non-toxic, anyway, and it's not like I'm going to bite through it. Shut up and stop treating me like one of the kids."
"..."
"...."
"...."
"Oh god this thing tastes like chemical ass I need a drink I need a drink oh shit yuck yuck it burns."
"Don't do that."
"What?"
"Wrap the shoelace around your finger like that. It's stupid."
"Nah, it's cool. Look, I'm Mr Purple! I've come to make the world a happier place! Tra-la-la!"
"Take the shoelace off."
"You're such a killjoy."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Help me it got tangled and it's stuck and I can't feel my finger oh god find some scissors it hurts it hurts."
Are you an idiot? Do you fidget with sharp things when you're bored? Have you ever walked into the same piece of furniture three times in succession?
You need the Dutchman! That's right, for just the low low price of FREE you can have your very own Dutchman to make you feel like a wayward toddler and be persistently and annoyingly right about fucking everything.
Have you ever left the stove on? With the Dutchman this doesn't need to be an issue, because no sooner will you have left the kitchen than he'll be saying "It's okay, I turned the stove off for you." The Dutchman can say so much with so few words. This one sentence means:
"You're an idiot who can't turn off a stove."
"You're going to kill us all one day."
"You're lucky I'm here."
And so much, so very very much more! And what's great is he doesn't run on batteries and is disgustingly healthy, so he'll be correcting you long after you've slammed your head in a car door and gone to an early grave.
The Dutchman comes pre-programmed with useful phrases like:
"Don't pull the label off that, you'll never know what it is."
"You're going to break it."
"Don't juggle with those."
"Don't use a can of flyspray as a blowtorch to kill spiders."
"I told you so."
"Did you know you're bleeding?"
"Falling from that height will probably be very painful for you."
He speaks five languages! He knows more European History than your local library! HE'S NEVER FUCKING WRONG!
For a limited time*** only, we're offering free postage to anyplace in the world that's far enough away so he can't find his way back.
Wedding band included.
(*** Until he reads this tomorrow and tells me I'm cute, inspiring me to finally kill him with my bare hands and a can of Tuna in Brine.)
User Reviews
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-04-02 05:11:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-02 04:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by queenemily (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:54:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I signed up just to give this a +2. I love you.
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2005-12-27 15:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have one of those already, although he's Danish and not Dutch. But it's pretty close.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-01 15:35:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Reefer Madness: The Musical'. Watch this movie. It's hysterical, and more to the point, the 'Sally' character reminds me of, well, me so much it isn't even funny. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0404364/
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-12-01 12:35:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-01 06:17:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
who is willzone?
------------
Is this like double Jeopardy?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-01 06:15:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-30 18:09:45 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-11-30 14:59:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
"This was pretty crap anyway." It's really not my cup of tea.
Try harder. Be more funny.
You should advertise on Uberboard.
You should tell Bart and have me banned for -2ing your story. ""
zone's just pissed because he is not uber-famous any more.
===========
who is willzone?
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-01 06:09:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perhaps there were 2 good things to come out of Dutch-land.
The dutch oven is one of the greatest inventions of all time.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Dutch+Oven
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2005-11-30 23:21:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd always wondered where my ex-boyfriend got to.
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2005-11-30 23:03:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heehee. "Do Not Stack".
*giggles*
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-30 20:59:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-11-30 20:45:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-30 18:16:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you have him in blond?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-30 18:09:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-11-30 14:59:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
"This was pretty crap anyway." It's really not my cup of tea.
Try harder. Be more funny.
You should advertise on Uberboard.
You should tell Bart and have me banned for -2ing your story. ""
zone's just pissed because he is not uber-famous any more.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-11-30 17:41:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2005-11-30 17:38:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
so, you married a dutchman and you're a clutz/child/dumbass.
good fun.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-11-30 16:41:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Was this intended to be humor or what?
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-11-30 16:34:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
wow, a circe post i liked.
impressive.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:42:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spacey (user info) at 2005-11-30 09:08:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooooohhh... can I have the dutchman? I've broken my thumb three times (in different places) in the last three months...on the same filing cabinet....
---------------------------
ahhh talent.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-11-30 14:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"This was pretty crap anyway." It's really not my cup of tea.
Try harder. Be more funny.
You should advertise on Uberboard.
You should tell Bart and have me banned for -2ing your story.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2005-11-30 14:56:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What ever happens, do not stack your dutchman.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-11-30 13:24:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks, but you can keep him.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2005-11-30 09:52:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha.. sounds like a gem
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-11-30 09:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 as post was NOT advertised on uberboard.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-30 09:45:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a Dutchman in training.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-11-30 09:24:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Take my Chef....please.
Submitted by katianakate (user info) at 2005-11-30 09:18:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best post all day. I have a paperclip in my mouth right now (I quite often get them stuck between my teeth and panic that it will be unfreeable, but somehow never learn that I should just stop.)
I don't have perception beyond the width of my eyes and therefore smack my shoulders, hips and top of my head off anything. My fella usually says "watch it" just at the moment of impact, and then does a patronising pat of the effected area and that smile too, the one that says "you are an adorable thick idiot aren't you?, I feel sorry for you and love you for your complete idiocy and pathetic-ness in general"
Submitted by Spacey (user info) at 2005-11-30 09:08:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooooohhh... can I have the dutchman? I've broken my thumb three times (in different places) in the last three months...on the same filing cabinet....
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-30 08:59:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm the Dutchman in my marriage, too.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-30 07:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If somebody else takes the Dutchman, can I have you?
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2005-11-30 06:40:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-29 21:13:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Will he carry my golf bag?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-29 21:01:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fungah doesn't like dutch people?
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-11-29 20:44:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 die
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-29 20:42:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"frah-gee-lay.. is that italian or something?"
I'll take one. Do they come in travel size?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-11-29 18:26:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It took me and my wife over 10 years to figure out the difference between "wrong" and "not the way I would do it". She doesn't leave the lid loose on the lawn mower gas can anymore, and I shut the damned thing off before I refuel it. In the driveway. Well away from the house. The flammable house.
Submitted by teakettle (user info) at 2005-11-29 18:18:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever run with scissors? Trust me, don't.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-29 18:17:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you have become my favorite sand groper, even though i have never met you.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-29 18:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel this dude's pain.
you know my wife set my apartment on fire once, right?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-29 17:37:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a keeper. I'm shocked though, knowing you I thought you would want to keep the poor fellow and slowly torture him until old age? Maybe hold out on sex for the rest of your life from him? Have you lost it, woman?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-11-29 16:53:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I already have one of those. It's called a wife.
Fortunately, I also have an older sister who's bigger than her and much more willing to watch me injure myself for her entertainment.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-29 16:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Does he come with wooden shoes?
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-11-29 15:27:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Men.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-11-29 15:22:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are finally making room for me. I knew you would come around.
I can be antagonistically correct too.
My, how much a smile can say when someone looks at you as if to say "If you say the words I told you so, I swear to all things in this world, I will cut your fucking eyes out and stomp on them until they are nothing more than a greasy spot on the driveway and then put them back in your head."
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-29 14:07:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I pay you in Monopoly money?
Can I put him on layaway?
Or we could just trade. Mine does nothing, says nothing.... so at least he won't nag you.
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2005-11-29 14:00:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:53:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It ain't much, if it ain't DUTCH!!!!
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:53:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:38:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story to break up my day
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:09:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:55:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you find the Dutch to be intimidatingly tall bastards?
---
Yes, holy shit. At a staggering five feet, I just manage to lever myself up on to their freakishly tall toilets, and reach their lightswitches.
-------------------
midget.
Submitted by Cryslynn1 (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:20:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute.
Submitted by nate (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
tales of cyalume sticks never fail to amuse
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:13:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA...I think the Dutchman and I would get along well.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:55:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you find the Dutch to be intimidatingly tall bastards?
---
Yes, holy shit. At a staggering five feet, I just manage to lever myself up on to their freakishly tall toilets, and reach their lightswitches.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:08:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-29 13:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It says your husband is glass.
You are one kinky bitch.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:57:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how bout a dutchwife? i hope i'm not the only prevert who knows what that is...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:55:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ballare, don't fall in any of those canals. They should really put fences around those things. I mean, they way the ground slopes to them and all and it's easy to lose your balance and..... that water tastes like old socks. I'm never going back to Holland until I learn to walk.
Do you find the Dutch to be intimidatingly tall bastards?
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:50:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is all the funnier because I'm in Holland...
... But sad at the same time because I have to live with the Dutch know-it-all bastards.
Circe, I've never told you this before, but I stalk you and love you. Just a heads up and all.
Submitted by hactar (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:47:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It reminds me of me. I like being reminded of me. I'm soooooo awesome.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:45:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I peel the labels off everything.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:44:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Loki - Yes, he fucking can. And yes, it fucking is. I knew you'd understand.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:43:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
can he cook
because if so then that's just irritating
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:41:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob, he is. But you can hit him in the nose with a rolled up newspaper for other reasons, if it's that important to you.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:40:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
around 3am about once a week i wander the house seeing exactly what's flammable and what isn't. i figure this activity has a purpose i haven't yet figured out yet. if it doesn't, char patterns can be really pretty so it's not a total waste.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:40:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I once said this to my wife:
"You do know you're on fire, don't you?"
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmm... glowsticks
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This Dutchman that you speak of...is he housebroken?
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:37:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want a Dutchman. And an Easter egg.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHAHAHHA
I get "If God wanted you to burn it, he would have asked me to do it."
I toast beer bottle labels in ashtrays with my lighter, mostly. :(
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:30:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well at least you don't get told "don't set that on fire" i've heard that alot.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:29:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:25:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe, you forgot the "you'll be sorry"
__________
You know, he doesn't say that? He just THINKS it at me real loud. And after I've cut/stabbed/broken/dropped/set on fire whatever it was I was touching, he SMILES.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:27:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*sigh*
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe, you forgot the "you'll be sorry"
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Snark, don't mention those things to me. I went out one night, at 11pm, to this icecreamery that advertised, gasp, pannekoeken, and bought them for him thinking he'd be, you know, thrilled.... and I get them home and offer them to him like a fucking sacrificial gift to the God of Dutch and he smiles, pets me, and says "thank you for trying but they made them wrong." And then I kicked him in the face.
Bickerstaff - I hear that. You ever sit there and just marvel at how fucking shit-hot lucky a terminal scew-up like you got? It's my main Saturday Morning activity.
Berty, if I had any active genetic material left, I probably wouldn't stare at the sun so much.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:21:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:20:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I could get active genetic material from Bickerstaff and Circe together on the same petri dish then it'd be the start of something truly amazing.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:19:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My fevered mind is convinced Circe, Snark, and Bickerstaff are all part of the same ball of awesomeness.
Submitted by Short-n-Sweet (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:18:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:16:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Strange phenomenon that all us fuck-ups found two things in this world:
Geniuses who love us.
Ubersite.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:13:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wanna trade for a Canadian?
He may have the Pannekoeken but we gots the syrup baby.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:10:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:09:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When you get rid of that fucker, let me know.
I'll replace him and you can humiliate, belittle, ridicule and insult me all you want, as long as you promise to write me a bed time story every night.
Hell. I'll even act more incompetent than I really am.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:08:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty - yeah, I know. He's taken the place of the voice I don't have that should say "You know, what you're doing there, yeah, that thing, that's a stupid thing to do."
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:08:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm ashamed to admit that you and my Wife may be suffering from the same thing. Her case isn't quite as bad as yours seem to be however.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:05:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Teeph - does it make you feel all warm and happy to know that your incompetence gives your partner a reason to get up in the mornings?
I know it does me.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:04:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you ever get rid of that man you'll accidently kill yourself and it won't be until the neighbours complain about the smell that you'll be found with your kids knawing on your rotton corpse for food.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This "dutchman" you speak of. Has he been fixed?
I can't have him humping legs when I have guests now can I.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I heart you.
If the Dutchman married my wife, they would conquer the world in very short order.
But after that, they'd be bored shitless.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-29 12:01:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He reminds me of the male version of this:
"FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000, or best offer. No longer needed -- got married last month. Wife knows everything."