The Truth About Wally (546 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: Wally_the_Elf
Rating: 0.66 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2005-11-29 15:39:24 EST
First Part -- http://www.ubersite.com/m/79965
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Wally wasn't surprised to see me, but he sure as hell wasn't happy about it, either. He sat me down in a sort of kindergarten chair and we talked over the situation.
Me: "Wally, what the hell is going on here?"
Wally: "Dude, you have to call me 'Wallace' while we're here."
Me: "Alright, 'Wallace,' why am I here? Is this what I think it is?"
Wally: "Yeah, I'm afraid so...shit, man, I really shouldn't have brought you here. I was just so hammered."
Me: "Ohhh, that rainbow sand stuff! That's right! So that's the secret to getting to the North Pole, eh? You just snort some rock?"
Wally: "Uhhh, yeah, about that...technically you're just supposed to sprinkle a tiny pinch of it on yourself. You probably should have died from the amount of 'blow' you did, but--hey! No harm, no foul!"
Me: "Ah."
Wally: "Yeahhh...anyway, as long as you're here, you're gonna have to produce. Santa doesn't like slackers. I know you don't know anything about making toys, so just sit at your cube and push the "more supplies" button every few minutes. I'll take care of the rest until I can figure out how to get you out of here."
Wally chaperoned me to my cubicle. Red and green walls, candy cane pencils and an Alienware PC for some reason. Interesting. He showed me how to start off the standard Santa elf rag dolls and how to write some preliminary code for the standard Santa vibrator/mp3 player. Every few minutes I pressed the button and magically received rags, microchips, motherboards, silicon and other raw items. Every few minutes, Wally would come by with a cart full of fresh toys and take my supplies and incomplete rag dolls.
After the 9th hour of this, I really started getting pissed. I tried talking to Wally about it, but he would only mumble something about "productivity" and "the fat man."
I cried out, "FUCK THIS!" and left my cube to wander the premises. It was pretty fascinating stuff. Every wing in the place was named after a reindeer and looked like some futuristic movie. Very metallic. Every wing seemed to have a central theme: Donner Wing was where all types of dildos were crafted; portable vaginas were in the Blitzen wing; iPods and PSPs were in the Fairy wing (apparently, there's a bunch of reindeer not mentioned in the popular song).
An hour had passed since I deserted my workstation and I was sad to realize that Santa's elves had become fully modernized. Long gone were the days of stop-motion jerkiness and rocking wooden horses. All the elves now appeared fully 3-D rendered and moved very fluidly. As for the wooden horses--well, they were made of plastic now and served over a 100 sexual and non-sexual purposes.
Eventually, I turned a corner and saw a door far on the other end of a long, dark hallway. It was pretty scary, actually. All the facilities except for this hall were violently red and green, with complementary bits of white and gold and some pastel colors strewn about. I haven't even mentioned the massive quantity of flourescent lighting about the place. This hallway, on the other hand, it looked like it led towards a dungeon. The walls were like random conglomerations of big, slimy rocks. The only light came from a couple of torches stuck in the walls. Against my better judgment, I decided to go see what was on the other end of the far door.
It turned out the hallway wasn't so frightening in reality. The scariest thing about it was the anticipation of something jumping out. That and a heavy smell of piss. It was intoxicating.
I finally made it to the door and turned the knob slowly. I wanted to sort of create some movie-like suspense to the situation. I was hoping to see some kind of mega-toy. Like maybe a Playstation 8/Female Fuckbot/Toaster. I like toast. When the door opened, my eyes took in a regular-looking executive office, complete with mahogany desk and achievement awards on the walls. Oh, and there was Wally lying in a corner in the fetal position, sobbing miserably.
And there was the surreal image of Santa--in full Santa Claus gear except for his pants--ramming his junk into a beautiful, but sad, female elf. I wasn't exactly sure at the time, but I know now that he was extremely angry when he realized I had entered the room.
----to be continued----
User Reviews
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-12-20 22:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I had like five goldfish named Wally. They all died. Coincidence?
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-11-29 16:04:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like farting in bed and then pulling the sheets over my head so I can bask in the smell of my farts.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-29 15:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
tee hee omigod you said the word vibrator! lololorz11111!!!
How shocking!
How meh.