Run - Part 2 (537 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.75 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2005-11-30 09:10:13 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80002 - Part One
It was a Saturday and Dave had given me the day off. I spent the day putting the finishing touches on the finest tree fort in the county, with Dave's youngest boy, Tom. Tom was 9 and at the age when 'no girls allowed' was the phrase to live by. In fact, we had just finished painting the sign. I hung the rope ladder and even put in a fireman's pole, for the easy escape from pirates. His mother wasn't too keen on it. I spring-loaded the trap-door going up the side of tree, so he only needed to tap the latch and his entrance opened up. I think that I was more proud of that thing than he was.
It was about lunch-time and we had been working since 6am that morning. The boy and I had brought a snack, but hunger pangs in our stomachs forced us into a lunch break. I reckon that we were about 2 and a half miles from the house. That's got to be the reason that I didn't hear the shots or screams.
Tom rode on the back of the four-wheeler with me, to the promise of turkey sandwiches and home-fries. Dave's old lady was an amazing cook and she loved nothing more than to spoil her family. She seemed perfect to me. When I think about perfect, to this day, I recall her Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, the way that she welcomed me into her home, allowed me to be around her children, despite the way that I looked.
We rode on the combine paths, around the fields of corn and soy, making great time getting back to the house. Tom asked me if I wanted to go fishing, later. I said sure.
I killed the ignition on the ATV and no sooner than that I felt really uncomfortable. It felt like prison again; it felt like when I took my step-father's life. It felt like death. It even smelled like it, thick like tar, and the air was hard to take in. I told Tom to stay behind me. He knew me enough to trust me with that.
What was really bothering me was the silence. A large farm, a Saturday afternoon, in the middle of a summer afternoon, is no place for silence. I didn't hear any livestock or even wild birds and even the sunlight surrounding the farm was dulled. No farm hands were around.
Tom stuck close behind me as I opened the door to the house. I knew that I needed a gun, and had to get to the parlor. Entering the house, I thought enough not to yell Dave's name, though every bone in my body wanted to scream it, just to see if he was OK. I motioned to Tom to be quiet as well.
I walked across the foyer and every footfall was a gun shot. Getting to the parlor was when fear started aiding the death-filled air in choking me. The gun cabinet, always carefully kept under lock and key, was broken, open and empty. I didn't know what to do.
I told Tom to hide. Whoever was here, had to have heard the four-wheeler and we were both in danger. Tom hid behind an electrical cover, in the parlor closet. I promised that I would be back for him. He was scared. I told him that it was OK to be scared and that I wouldn't let nothing happen to him. God's probably going to forgive me for all the wrong that I done. I plan on repenting like hell when my time comes, but God ain't ever going to forgive me for lying to that boy.
I told him not to cry; just be still and quiet and I would be back.
I left the parlor and crept into the kitchen. It smelled a little like lunch, but mainly blood. It was sprayed on the counter tops and pooled together in a puddle on the floor. My stomach is not weak, but the nausea that crept in made my knees buckle. I knew that it was Dave's wife's blood.
It looked like a scene out of a horror movie; every man that I killed and the brutal way in which I did it, couldn't compare to the puddle of blood on the floor and what I noticed while scanning the room for a weapon. On the cutting board, next to a large knife, were two fingers. One had a wedding band, the other one's fingernail was peeled away and broken from the finger.
The longest walk of my life was from that kitchen doorway to that cutting board, to grab that knife. Her blood was on my hands and it burned like acid, in my throat and on my skin. There was no way that boy's mother was breathing.
I back-tracked my steps, careful not to step in the blood and turned towards the back door looking at the pole-barn, where the farm equipment was kept. A low gasoline engine whine was coming from that direction. Opening and closing the screen-door quietly, I looked around, scanning for something out of the ordinary.
That's when I singled out the sound.
It was one of Dave's new tree shredding, stump grinding trailers. Dave had been talking about starting a tree service business and was just getting started. He was taking me in as a partner, so I could have something of my own. Why was it running? Why did I ask myself a question that I already knew the answer to?
I slowly made my way out to the barn.
User Reviews
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-01 13:07:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still very cool.
One suggestion, try and throw some imagery in here and there. I'm having trouble picturing the farm and the fields surrrounding it.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-01 12:57:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Part Three: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80212
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-30 21:21:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:22:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
I thank the people that read the first installment and Silvrwolf for the second. I usually never finish any fiction on this site. It never gets the attention that I so desperately crave.
********************
I heard THAT.
I liked this...good sense of suspense. Something is off about your narration though. I think you should break up your paragraphs a little more, to give certain lines emphasis. For example, this:
"I told Tom to hide. Whoever was here, had to have heard the four-wheeler and we were both in danger. Tom hid behind an electrical cover, in the parlor closet. I promised that I would be back for him. He was scared. I told him that it was OK to be scared and that I wouldn't let nothing happen to him. God's probably going to forgive me for all the wrong that I done. I plan on repenting like hell when my time comes, but God ain't ever going to forgive me for lying to that boy."
...would look better like this:
"I told Tom to hide. Whoever was here, had to have heard the four-wheeler and we were both in danger. Tom hid behind an electrical cover, in the parlor closet. I promised that I would be back for him. He was scared. I told him that it was OK to be scared and that I wouldn't let nothing happen to him. God's probably going to forgive me for all the wrong that I done. I plan on repenting like hell when my time comes.
But God ain't ever going to forgive me for lying to that boy."
...Or something like that. It draws the readers attention to what (i assume) is an important foreshadowing.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you. I will finish this. Look for part three, tomorrow or Friday.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:33:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck,
sorry I forgot to rate.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:33:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Eatme (no wait I was just addressing you not telling you to Eat me) this is very good.
Make sure you finish it I'll give you all the attention you need.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:22:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess that because this isn't about a grill that I banged, or girl that I banged, or what have you, it's not going to get much attention.
I thank the people that read the first installment and Silvrwolf for the second. I usually never finish any fiction on this site. It never gets the attention that I so desperately crave.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-11-30 09:38:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is very good. You've made a nice leap from the first installment and instill intrigue in the reader. I'll be watching for the next part.