Kick the Midget (2203 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.85 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ozzy (View user info) at 2005-11-30 11:15:14 EST
While walking along a tree lined street on my way to the train station this morning, a man crossed the road and began walking in front of me. I noticed that he was a midget, roughly three and a half feet tall.
This may have been discussed previously, but do you ever have occasions when a part of your brain tells you to do something, or says something that shocks you?
It happens to me all the time.
Horrifyingly, the first thing that popped into my head when the midget was walking in front of me was "Walk up and kick him in the leg. He's small and if he gets pissed off you'll be able to beat his arse."
Where the fuck did that come from? Initially, I was shocked that my brain would suggest such a thing. I'm a nice, laid back guy, and above all a law abiding citizen. (Well for the most part anyway)
I jumped onto a train for my daily commute into work, and I continued thinking about my brain's reaction to seeing the midget. Eventually, I became less horrified, and found humour in my reaction.
Inevitably, my mind took this simple midget kicking a step further, and started brainstorming ways we could use midgets for our own enjoyment.
Yes, yes, I have a terrible sense of humour, but bear with me, it gets much worse.
* Midget throwing could replace the hammer throw as an Olympic sport. Instead of a chain connected to a big iron ball, we could connect the chain to a handle on the midget. Could you imagine the commentary?
"Now here is the big Bulgarian, Andre Medvedev. He looks very fired up, but one gets the impression that the midget he selects to throw today will be crucial in this event."
"That's right John. Andre has been down on form recently, I think he'll need to select an especially aerodynamic midget to have any chance here."
"That being said, we must bear in mind that Andre is in fact the world record holder. That record is somewhat controversial, however, given the fact that the throw occurred at high altitude, which of course means that the midgets will naturally fly further......."
Forget the 100 metre dash, if that doesn't pack out an Olympic stadium, I'll choke myself by inhaling a donkey turd.
* I think a specialised brand of midget fighting has the potential to draw massive crowds. Just imagine: a regular sized member of the public thrown into a boxing ring with 10 midgets. Think UFC, but with even FEWER rules. I think the fights would be action packed and finished very quickly. Just what the fans want.
"Here is the current champion, Peter Jakimov, from a little town called Rednek in Kentucky, and he'll face the dreaded Michigan Midget posse."
DING DING
"And here's the start of round one. And the posse have surrounded Jakimov, circling him menacingly. Jakimov launches a MASSIVE fly kick at the smallest of the midgets, bowling him over like a ten pin, now the posse retaliate. Jakimov covers up, taking punches to the shin, groin and stomach. What's this?
The posse leader is biting Jakimov's testicles! Jakimov slumps to his knees now, blood streaming from a puncture wound to his scrotum. Look at those midgets swarm! Jakimov fights back, swinging his fists, OH! and a huge knockout punch from Jakimov, sending another midget slumping to the canvas. Someone get that midget out of there, his face looks like a smashed crab.
The midgets look hesitant now, Jakimov remains on his knees. He turns his back on most of the midgets to check where the remaining fighters are, OH! and the midgets have slapped on a sleeper hold. This could be over! Jakimov struggles for breath, he's fading fast, and down he goes! This one is over, the midgets win!"
* I'd like to see a dog walking service run by midgets. I'd buy a Great Dane and a saddle, just so I could laugh my arse off when they turned up at my house to take it for a walk.
"What do you mean you're not able to walk my dog? I paid for my dog to be walked, and by Christ my dog is going to be walked. Now do you need a leg up into that saddle or what, shorty?
* Midget High Jump.
I think this event would attract a very specific type of midget. 3 feet tall, lanky midgets who seem to be "all legs" You could invite a bunch of friends around for drinks and run the competition in your living room on a Friday night. Just imagine a midget fosbury flopping onto your couch after jumping over a 3 iron rested on top of a pile pizza boxes.
You could run a book on who you think will win.
"I reckon that stumpy little bloke will go out on 7 pizza boxes."
Seven?! He'll be lucky if he can get his arse onto the couch without a ladder!"
"Wanna bet?"
* I think midgets would be great for your kids to play Hide and Seek with. They could fit into small spaces, and if you have a lot of garden gnomes in your backyard, they'd be camouflaged so well your kids would be kept busy for hours trying to find them.
* And of course, the greatest movie genre in history: midget porn. Where would I be today without it? Probably in a well paying job and significantly fewer friction burns on my wang.
Scene 1- Large black woman opens door to young male midget. Mindless cheesy midget porn chatter. Eg "I've come to clean ze pool."
Scene 2- Large black woman gets midget into bed. Standing on the bed, the midget pounds her from behind while she is on all fours.
Scene 3- Midget money shot: Large black woman appears to have a tiny flake of dandruff land on her tits.
Come to think of it, I don't think it matters what midgets do, I'd still find it funny.
Anyway, I eventually made it to work, and bumped into a colleague of mine who works on the top floor of our building, next door to me. She's quite a large woman, and at the half way point of the flights of stairs, I could see she had begun to struggle.
She slowed to a gasp for breath, before my brain silently chipped in again.
"Move it, wilder beast."
I was once again shocked by what my brain had come up with. But as I began to watch her struggle on, to be honest I really couldn't argue with my brain this time.
She really did have an uncanny resemblance to a wilder beast trying to climb a muddy river bank, while a crocodile gnawed on her hide.
Damn it, it must have looked to everyone else like I'm going crazy. I sat laughing my head off for a good 5 minutes in front of my boss, muttering "Wilder beast! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Boss- "Something you want to share Ozzy?"
Me-"Huh? What?" Shake of my head.
"Wilder beast. AHAHAHAHAHA!"
Meh. My brain is not so bad. Maybe I should just give in and listen to whatever it tells me.
"Kicking a midget a day keeps the doctor away."
User Reviews
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-30 12:00:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Even the pic made me laugh.
And linkwhoring is okay as long as it is relevant.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2005-12-01 07:15:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-01 06:40:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:41:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why but midgets scare me. I always think they're going to just run up and start biting my ankles and kicking my shins. I know I could just pick them up and toss them down the stairs or something but they still freak me out. If they at least looked proportional I think I'd be ok. Also, dwarves are smaller than midgets.
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I'd bet money that this comes from seeing that midget clown tag team on the old school wrestling back in the 80's and early 90's. Those fuckers looked evil, and they pulled some fo those exact moves.
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Probably, I did watch wrestling a lot when I was little but I don't really remember the midgets. I also hate clowns. Especially midget clowns. I also watched a lot of cheesy horror movies and until I was about 7, I made my mom go with me to the bathroom and check in the toilet and behind the shower curtain. I was always convinced Freddy Krueger was going to reach up out of the toilet and grab my ass or jump out from the shower. I was a very strange, paranoid child.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-01 06:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:41:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why but midgets scare me. I always think they're going to just run up and start biting my ankles and kicking my shins. I know I could just pick them up and toss them down the stairs or something but they still freak me out. If they at least looked proportional I think I'd be ok. Also, dwarves are smaller than midgets.
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I'd bet money that this comes from seeing that midget clown tag team on the old school wrestling back in the 80's and early 90's. Those fuckers looked evil, and they pulled some fo those exact moves.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:41:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why but midgets scare me. I always think they're going to just run up and start biting my ankles and kicking my shins. I know I could just pick them up and toss them down the stairs or something but they still freak me out. If they at least looked proportional I think I'd be ok. Also, dwarves are smaller than midgets.
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I had a nightmare about being in a mosh pit with a midget trying to crush my balls. Scared the shit out of me.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:41:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why but midgets scare me. I always think they're going to just run up and start biting my ankles and kicking my shins. I know I could just pick them up and toss them down the stairs or something but they still freak me out. If they at least looked proportional I think I'd be ok. Also, dwarves are smaller than midgets.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-11-30 19:53:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that pic has me in tears.
decent post, too. although, a lil played out.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-11-30 19:50:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Any post, ever, that contains the words "kick" and "midget" in the same sentence gets an automatic +2 from me.
Submitted by windowsrcold (user info) at 2005-11-30 14:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA....My co-workers now think I'm special for laughing at nothing. Who hasn't wanted to fight a midget. Good post. Hope theres more to come. You need to listen to your brain more often.
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-11-30 14:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sometimes look at kittens & puppies and wonder how far I can throw them...
Submitted by Pelvis_Man (user info) at 2005-11-30 13:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W worthy.
"Come to think of it, I don't think it matters what midgets do, I'd still find it funny. "
Totally agree'd.
Submitted by smokingloon (user info) at 2005-11-30 13:12:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
One of my fav subjects, after Slayer and poop, of course. Kudos on the eccentric stories. However, not entirely original (I'm sure we've all already seen a midget fucking a 400# bitch). Besides, Midget bowling popped up in the '80's.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-30 12:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-11-30 12:15:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
it's wildebeest. no kidding. but still way better than just about anything on here recently.
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Thanks jack. You're a good writer so I appreciate what you've said there.
Now, hopefully I'll be able to keep this stuff silent and inside my head at my work Xmas party tomorrow night!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-11-30 12:15:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's wildebeest. no kidding. but still way better than just about anything on here recently.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-30 12:12:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:56:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've said this before, I'm pretty sure I could fight and win against something like 13 - 15 midgets at one time.
I think.
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Oh no, sir. I beg to differ.
Midgets are all highly trained in the martial arts. IT'S A WELL KNOWN FACT. I want to genetically engineer my midgets so that they can all form into one large Voltron-like being. Then they would defeat you handily, and afterwards they would ask for your spare change.
As you tossed it at them they would split into their individual midget forms, scoop up the pennies, and run like hell.
I love midgets and their silly antics.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-11-30 12:04:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too awesome! The picture from our revered Fox network selaed the deal.
I, too, did a post on midgets once - http://www.ubersite.com/m/54403 (I haven't linkwhored myself in a while. Feel free to reciprocate.)
I believe we should start a coalition devoted entirely to reviving the old days of the raw exploitation of little people. Sick and degenerate? Of course!
...but still so much fun.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:56:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've said this before, I'm pretty sure I could fight and win against something like 13 - 15 midgets at one time.
I think.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:55:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:48:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
I dream of one day owning my own herd of midgets. At least 100 of them. I'll make them fight and kill squirrels for sustenance and dress up in tuxedoes all the time. They'll also be required to speak only in rhyme. Oh, the fun we'll have...
I can just see their little squatty face poking through the fence of the midget corral, begging to be the one that gets some attention that day.
"Here you go little fella, have this apple. That's a good apple isn't it?"
He'll grab it with his stubby sausage fingers and run and hunch over it in the corner, happy because he knows he has pleased master.
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AHAHAHAHA! Oh man, the sad thing is I can picture that in my head.
You sir, are as sick and twisted as I am.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:53:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:47:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you did see a midget with lanky legs I think we could call it "your average 5 year old".
Funny stuff.
Which is smaller, a midget or a dwarf?
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I think gnomes are shortest.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:52:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:48:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
I dream of one day owning my own herd of midgets. At least 100 of them. I'll make them fight and kill squirrels for sustenance and dress up in tuxedoes all the time. They'll also be required to speak only in rhyme. Oh, the fun we'll have...
I can just see their little squatty face poking through the fence of the midget corral, begging to be the one that gets some attention that day.
"Here you go little fella, have this apple. That's a good apple isn't it?"
He'll grab it with his stubby sausage fingers and run and hunch over it in the corner, happy because he knows he has pleased master.
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This is exactly what Willy Wonka thought before he got himself the oompa loompa's.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:48:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dream of one day owning my own herd of midgets. At least 100 of them. I'll make them fight and kill squirrels for sustenance and dress up in tuxedoes all the time. They'll also be required to speak only in rhyme. Oh, the fun we'll have...
I can just see their little squatty face poking through the fence of the midget corral, begging to be the one that gets some attention that day.
"Here you go little fella, have this apple. That's a good apple isn't it?"
He'll grab it with his stubby sausage fingers and run and hunch over it in the corner, happy because he knows he has pleased master.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:47:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you did see a midget with lanky legs I think we could call it "your average 5 year old".
Funny stuff.
Which is smaller, a midget or a dwarf?
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:38:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
think this event would attract a very specific type of midget. 3 feet tall, lanky midgets who seem to be "all legs"
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I don't know about you but I have never seen a midget be anything but "all torso".
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Yeah, I was going for an absurd mental image.
Bear in mind alot of midgets seem to have massive heads too.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:38:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
think this event would attract a very specific type of midget. 3 feet tall, lanky midgets who seem to be "all legs"
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I don't know about you but I have never seen a midget be anything but "all torso".
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:25:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to comment again because the fucking tears from laughter are rolling down my cheeks.
One of the funniest posts I've read in quite some time. You sick freak.
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Glad you enjoyed Tiger. I almost didn't post this.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:27:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Now do you need a leg up into that saddle or what, shorty?'
That and the pic (and if I'm honest, the rest) have almost made today worthwhile.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to comment again because the fucking tears from laughter are rolling down my cheeks.
One of the funniest posts I've read in quite some time. You sick freak.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear God in Heaven I can't stop laughing. You are so wrong!!!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 DWARVES!!!!11!2
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:23:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One time onboard ship, I was out on the smoking sponson, and my brain kept going "just jump off, how nice would it be to take a swim right now?" Creepy.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-11-30 11:19:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so so wrong and yet so so right