God Damnit Kyle! Stop Being a Fucking Weirdo! (1221 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.87 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wildcat (View user info) at 2005-11-30 12:53:29 EST
We've all got weird family members, of this I'm sure. In fact, my extended family is so fucked up I haven't even met anyone on my mother's side due to her fear that they will taint me. However fucked up they are, there is always Kyle.
Kyle is a little less than 5 years younger than me. Kyle and I have the same voice, which confuses our own mother when we call home, and we have the same height. He has shaggy, unkempt hair and hardly ever shaves, probably in an attempt to look a little older. He sways from left to right when he talks and he can recite entire stand-up skits from any given comedian on Comedy Central as if the jokes were his own. He plays 7 or 8 instruments from Woodwinds to Guitars.
Kyle was always a decent kid, a standoff-ish type brother, and did things differently than most people. In fact, anything Kyle does is a little different than it should be.
For example, when he was younger he got a referral for stealing candy out of a kids backpack. He came home and tore it up and threw it away. The next day the teacher calls the house to find out why my parents hadn't signed the mock-demerit. To my father's surprise when he confronted Kyle, Kyle lied and said that he never got the referral and that the teacher must be mistaken. So, with the truth in mind and the flagpole from the front porch in hand, my Dad laid a whipping into his ass for a couple minutes. Kyle literally waddled away to his room, rubbing his ass cheeks as I peeked through the blinds in sheer awe of my Father's creative discipline. That was 4th grade.
A couple of months later we were all at the dinner table eating some middle-America-meal. My Mother had made (the verb is 'fixed' not 'made' in the south) some brussel sprouts as the vegetable for dinner. They are pretty much baby cabbages that taste horrible. Kyle decided he wasn't going to eat a single one. Well, when your mother was orphaned and raised by Nuns there's no fucking way you are NOT clearing your plate, regardless if you like the food or not. So, what did Kyle do when my parents forced him to eat them? He had his own form of protest: Vomit. How did my mother handle this affront to her culinary prowess? With hands across his mouth holding the puke in, she forced him to swallow it back down by threat of painful death. I laughed my ass off. Kyle swallowed his own puke. My mother actually gagged watching him. My father shook his head and asked to be excused. Kyle seems to do things the hard way..
Other instances come to mind as well, like the time he shot an arrow into the neighbors AC unit for no reason at all or when I saw him piss in his own mouth when he was being changed as a baby because he had a mini-boner, but nothing was so bad as what I saw 2 years ago.
I had come home for the weekend from college. I was going to see my parents before I went to see my girlfriend. I came in the front door and they were lounging around the couches watching TV. I chit-chatted with them and inquired about Kyle. They told me he was in the room above the garage playing video games on the computer.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I rounded the corner in the kitchen to go up the stairs to the computer room. The door was partially ajar so I didn't have to turn the handle. GOD DAMNIT I SHOULD HAVE MADE SOME NOISE! I tossed the door open and ran up the stairs, three at a time. At the top of the stairs I turned and saw him. Like a deer in headlights he looked at me and didn't move, didn't dare move. I looked at him in the eyes, he was scared. Then I looked down and was scared. His little giggle stick was hanging out of the zipper hole in his pants and his right hand was kung-fu gripping it. His fingers were like a boa constrictor, wrapped around the tiny pink member like he was trying to kill it. In disgust I made a face, then looked up at his face again. He still didn't move but the sweat on his brow slid down the side of his face.
Fucking hell, I didn't want to see what I saw but I did.
I looked past him onto the computer screen and saw the most disgusting, vile, odd thing I'd ever seen anyone whack off to. It was no goatse, it was no lemonparty. It was no hardcore, it was no threesome. It was no anal, it was no midget amputee. IT WAS FUCKING ANIME PORN. Still shots even. I couldn't fathom the idea. Some little bitch was sitting around DRAWING PORNOGRAPHY and my brother was roughing up his suspect to it? Whatever happened to stashes of porn mags and the Sears or Victoria's Secret catalogues? I stared at the screen for a moment and realized I was seeing some cartoon woman with blue hair being banged all to hell by a guy with a dick comparable to a VW Van. I couldn't believe my little brother was jacking off to cartoon porn. It was surreal. It wouldn't have been so weird if it was a video of some woman but cartoons just take the cake.
So, with the awkward moment still choking everyone in the room I turned and ran back down the stairs. Running down the stairs I realized that the TV in the room was on and he had turned it to the Cartoon Network. Scary thought. I told my parents I'd talk to them later and ran out to my truck. Bile was creeping its way up my throat as I told my girlfriend but she just thought it was the funniest thing in the world. Him and I have never talked about it since then. In fact, I've kept away from all sexual talk with my brother for fear that he might be even more of a freak than he's already confirmed to be. Hell, I can't even watch the Cartoon Network without remembering that day thanks to my brother.
The first thought I had as I made the trek back to school at the end of the weekend was, "God damnit Kyle, stop being a fucking weirdo!" To this day, that saying is more relevant than everything I've ever known about my brother.
User Reviews
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-01 07:42:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-11-30 13:14:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
Anime porn is not that weird. From the buildup I thought you would have walked into him snapping his bean to granny-tranny gone wild part 86, scene 12 where granny eats out a mad cow's ass with a melon baller.
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I read about that stuff in Bizarre magazine. I've never seen disgust so evident in writing as when the reviewer was describing the elderly porn actress abs hanging down like a secondary pair of tits. Or when he described the tranny's flaccid grey member.
*shudders*
Your brother is doomed. He's probably an ace guy but, well, I dunno. Maybe he'll get lucky.
The world isn't made for people like him. He has no place. Go easy on him.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Story was pretty good, but you clinch a plus two because of this review.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-11-30 13:14:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
Anime porn is not that weird. From the buildup I thought you would have walked into him snapping his bean to granny-tranny gone wild part 86, scene 12 where granny eats out a mad cow's ass with a melon baller
Good GOD!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-11-30 21:20:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not really my thing, but hentai has quite a following. One of my friends (female) diddles to it almost exclusively. She thinks it's super hot.
Call me crazy, but your brother doesn't sound all that weird. Sounds kind of cool to me, actually. I shall like to buy him a drink some time. You should come too.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-30 16:40:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
by the way dude, the word is 'hentai', not 'anime porn'.
The great thing about hentai is that it completely disallows for the laws of physics - you can have some chick being banged by a multi-tentacled space alien, or have some schoolgirl cram an entire bowling pin up her hoo-ha - not that I've ever seen such things of course, I'm just saying...
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-30 13:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-11-30 13:14:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
Anime porn is not that weird. From the buildup I thought you would have walked into him snapping his bean to granny-tranny gone wild part 86, scene 12 where granny eats out a mad cow's ass with a melon baller.
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as i eat a boston market microwaveable meal at my desk, I don't know what is more odd: your brother or this review.
+ fucking 2
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-11-30 13:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, thats terrible.
Mmmm, PPGirls.... *ENGORGE*
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-11-30 13:14:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Anime porn is not that weird. From the buildup I thought you would have walked into him snapping his bean to granny-tranny gone wild part 86, scene 12 where granny eats out a mad cow's ass with a melon baller.
Submitted by Mrs.Love (user info) at 2005-11-30 12:57:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, yes....but I am the bridge to your talking about it by making random comments at get-togethers about anime.