Fad Santa, Blue Santa, Bad Santa, New Santa (823 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: Wally_the_Elf
Rating: 2 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2005-11-30 13:36:34 EST
Part 1 -- http://www.ubersite.com/m/79965
Part 2 -- http://www.ubersite.com/m/80030
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Here's a few things that run through my mind every now and then:
-One of my best friends in college, Wally, was actually one of Santa's elves
-Santa Claus does exist and is somewhat of an asshole
-Modern Santa elves (as opposed to Tolkien elves) are technologically savvy
-I almost destroyed Christmas
When I stumbled upon Santa's office and found him having relations with a female elf, I was grossed out at first. But then I was immediately scared when I saw that he had reduced Wally, one of the toughest guys I ever knew, to a sobbing mess. As soon as he finished with her, he waved his left hand in a magical motion and threw me into a chair. The interrogation was on.
"So, you're not an elf, are you?"
"Umm, no sir, I'm afraid not."
"Are you scared?"
"What?"
"ARE YOU SCARED??!?"
"N-no...." The small patch of piss in the crotch of my pants belied the truth.
"Look, I have no intention of hurting you, even if I am legally entitled to do so according to North Pole bylaws regarding non-elf intrusions..." Yeah, I wasn't aware of North Pole bylaws either, but I felt it was wise to stay quiet. "Now, even though you are not of the magical persuasion, you are still able to see my Workshop. I don't see any Elf Dust on you. Am I to believe you somehow ingested some of it?"
"Yeah, I thought it was cocaine."
"INFIDEL!!! I mean, 'Idiot!' That stuff stays in your system for years! Do you know what this means?"
"I can't try out for a Major League Baseball team?"
"You're stuck here! Forever! Even after the Dust clears from your system, over the course of 5 or 6 years enough dust will have rubbed off on you to make you a permanent elf. A bit oversized, but elfish nonetheless."
"Shit! I never got a chance to use the Fleshlight my girlfriend got me...can I work in that section?"
"No. No, I'm afraid not. I have bigger plans for you. I want you to be my Lieutenant Santa."
"'Lieutenant Santa?'"
"Yes. You see, up here, if you're big, you're in control. As you can tell by those two sad, quivering elves in the corner, I can have my way in any situation. I believe Wallace over there was tough shit over there in your college?"
"Yeah, he kicked a bit of ass."
"Not so here. You see, once my elves come of age, they require the Dust to live. If any of them refuse my will, I refuse their supply. It ain't a pretty sight to see an elf wither away."
"Ah...so what would my duties be? And is that a real gun on your wall?"
"Your duties--uh, well, yes, that is a real working rifle given to me by none other than Fidel Castro. I forgot to deliver him a curveball for his pitching repertoire, so he never made it to the big leagues. As a consolation, I let him have power over that little island. He sent me the gun as thanks. But regarding your duties...I just want you to oversee the elves, make sure you exert your authority when necessary. And when not necessary, if you feel the whim."
"Interesting...can I check out that gun? And are there any other benefits to working for you? Medical, dental, hookers, drugs?"
"Okay, just be careful not to leave too many fingerprints on in--it's hard to keep shiny. As for benefits, the Dust takes care of all medical and dental needs. Drugs...well, we do have a toxicology lab in the basement--I would leave that up to your judgment. As for hookers, well...you saw me and Corinthia here a few minutes ago. You can have your pick, they can't resist. So, what do you say?"
"Can I ride in the sleigh whenever I want?"
"No, I'm afraid not. The sleigh only comes out one night a year and I barely have enough room in it as it is. So what do you say?"
"Well, Santa, it's like this--" <click>
Well, you get the idea. No sleigh ride? Was he fucking kidding me? What good is being in the North Pole kicking around elves if you can't ride in that sleigh? Fuck that.
Unfortunately, I realized after the fact that there was no one to drive the sleigh. That's when Wally came to the rescue.
"Dude, you overthrew the fat man!"
"Yeah, apparently I did."
"You avenged Corinthia's desecration, bro! I am in your debt forever!"
"You know, Wally, that's fantastic and all, but there are more pressing needs right now. I just wanted to ride in the sleigh for a night and go home--not deliver fucking presents forever!"
"Well, my friend, I can help you out in both respects...the reindeer pretty much control themselves. As for delivering all the gifts on time, I've been secretly studying Santa's time-bending book. I think if both of us go for the ride we'll be able to make it on time! As for going home, we'll see about detoxing you after the trip."
"Alright. Well, he did make me Lieutenant Santa before I blew his brains out. Let's finish cranking out these toys, eh?"
So the remaining days until Christmas flew by and we were off. All the elves (there are only about 500 hundred of them), Jesus, and Mrs. Claus (actually a hot young babe that had been forced to wear that old woman costume) came to see our departure.
Look, I'll just give you the bare details. You want to know how that bastard reaches a billion or so homes in one night? Fucking wormhole button in the dashboard. Late Christmas Eve and early Christmas morning, there are literally hundreds of thousands of "santa's" in the sky. You just can't see them because of the cloaking device button next to the wormhole button. Let me tell you right now, after about the 473rd wormhole, it starts to get reeeeally old.
I still don't know how that fat piece of shit stuffed himself down chimneys or broke into houses without chimneys. Wally and I were attacked by several guard dogs before we resigned ourselves to just tossing gifts on the lawns of the more inhospitable houses. And the milk and cookies? Ho. Lee. Shit. I don't care if I never see another glass of milk or another cookie in my life. I puked after the 50th batch of cookies. Wally got the bright idea to jerk off into random glasses of milk. Great idea, but the intended effect only worked when I did it--elf cum is better known as Marshmallow Fluff spread.
Long story short, everyone got their gifts, Wally and I were exhausted, and the top forensics elves figured they could get the Dust out of me by making me drink scotch. Lots of scotch. A simple elixir, but an effective one nonetheless. And satisfying.
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I woke up in my home bedroom one morning, slightly hung over. According to my computer's calendar, it was December 27th. I thought all those North Pole happenings were part of a weird dream until I checked my e-mail:
"From: wallace.elfington.at.northpoleexpressmovers.com
Subject: Thanks
Hey, thanks for liberating us from that fat bastard. You have been elected the new Santa and I'm now Deputy Santa. If you don't feel like coming back here for next Christmas, I understand. Plus, Corinthia's always been curious about doing it in the sleigh.
I'll be back for the last semester and graduation, but after that I'll have to stay here pretty much forever as my second duty will be Chief Technology Officer. It'll be cool.
We'll talk more about it during the semester.
Peace,
Wally
P.S. If you can figure out a way to get Jesus out of here, it would be nice. He's really been more annoying than usual since you killed the old Santa. Later."
Good times. Yep, good times.
User Reviews
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-11-30 16:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by a_palindrome (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:05:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-11-30 14:56:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the longest post I've looked at today. You get a +2.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-30 13:57:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-30 13:37:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the final chapter of this story, I swear.
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Thank God. You need to go do some less mentally damaging drugs my man.
These did make me chuckle though. And now I'm going to picture elf fucking in my head all day long...
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-30 13:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the final chapter of this story, I swear.