Waste (2422 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Truth
Rating: 1.9 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Snark << snarkk.at.gmail.com (View user info) at 2005-11-30 15:02:17 EST
WASTE
God, I hope I'm not as strong as my father and I hope I'm nowhere near as strong as whatever eventually tries to take me down.
I don't want to go out like him. I don't want to exist as he does.
His existence is clinical women and chemical smell. It's worn linoleum, bingo, bed sores, 4 hours of sleep a day and not being able to keep more than 5 dollars in his wallet for fear of the nurses greed.
It's not an existence man, it's not living, it's waiting to die while being constantly reminded of what you will be one day, by the wraiths surrounding you - gumming their oatmeal.
He's a forgotten man surrounded by forgotten people.
He turns 65 soon but that fucking disease turned him 80 about 20 years ago.
That fucking disease... it took everything from him. It took his legs first, then his hands, followed by his eyes, his voice... what's left?
20 years I've been watching him die. 20 years I been watching it strip away everything from him except the faculties necessary for him to witness his own decline.
I stand in his cold white room and searched myself for the words to match how I feel. I dig deep for some way to verbally represent the love and loss ripping through me, and the whole time, there's this guy down the hall screaming. He's maybe a couple of rooms away and he's hoarse-mouthed howling over and over again, like a stuck record.
AHHHHH!
AHHHHH!
AHHHHH!
It sounds like his vocal chords are ruptured, as if they've come loose and are rattling around his throat.
"Fell off a truck while he was drunk." The nurse tells me. "Broke his head and now all he does is rock back and forth in his chair and scream... the poor dear." She throws the last part in as an afterthought, while she changes my father's catheter with more care than he ever sees when I'm not around.
20 hours a day, seven days a week, my Dad hears that scream.
20 minutes in and I'm needing a stiff drink.
She finishes her adjustment, then meets my eyes and for a second, I think I might see genuine warmth there and then she's gone, and I'm left wit the old man again, but not really.
I take a seat beside the bed and put a hand on his emaciated arm while he stares at the TV by his bed and interprets the blurs, while my brother's voice echoes in my head.
"... you need to come home for awhile."
"What's up? Is it Dad?"
"Yeah."
"What's going on?"
"I guess he's had enough Bro, the nurses say he won't eat anymore."
"Won't or can't?"
"He say's it all tastes like shit. They're trying to keep him hydrated but he's not drinking much either... they say they've seen this plenty of times before, people hit their breaking point and just kind of fade away... they figure he has about a week left."
"Jesus..."
"I can see it too. He's done, and I don't blame him. I don't think either of us can."
"I know. It's been so long... I'll leave Friday."
And so I left... and here I stand, and I'm too late.
The old man's heart still beats in his chest. He still tries to talk with me, but he can't do more than whisper and my brother was right. He's done. His eyes are empty. I'm here to say goodbye, but I'm saying it to a shell. His spirit faded away long before I arrived.
He's lost a lot of weight. He's little more than a scarecrow now, and I wonder if his body is just reflecting what's inside.
I've been watching this happen for as long as I can remember. I've been watching him die for years and I figured, when the time came, I'd handle it better than I should, but this is hard.
He needs to go but I don't want him too. He needs peace, and I'll give him my blessing, but damned if I'll do it with a smile on my face.
"You are the strongest man I've ever met."
He doesn't respond, just keeps looking at the T.V.
"You know Dad, I was thinking the other day, I don't remember us ever having a fight."
He turns slowly and his sunken eyes bring tears to mine.
"Yeah." He whispers.
I sit with him for hours, while the screaming continues and nurses drearily continue their charade.
Sometimes I talk and sometimes he answers but there is no emotion left in him, and that old fear creeps into my guts again. It whispers its icy promise."
"You'll die alone one day, just like him."
I shiver, pull my coat around me, and glance at the clock. Part of me feels guilty for wanting this visit to be done. Part of me feels like shit for wishing my Dad was dead and free of this empty existence, and the rest is just sad and tired.
The clock is telling me it's time to go. So I stand up, plant a kiss on his forehead and tell him I love him, and the fucking dam I've been building for 20 plus years breaks.
The bathroom for his room is right beside me, and I'm sitting on the toilet with the doors closed, and I'm holding a wad of tissues to my face and doing my best not to let him hear my embarrassingly childlike sobs.
There's a hero fading away in the bed on the other side of the wall and I'm fucking crying like a school girl, cuz he deserved better than he ever got from me, or life, or anything, and there's nothing I can do or say to make up for it, even a little.
Nope, I'm not as strong as my old man, and I hope I never am.
A couple minutes later, I regain my composure. I open the door and tell him goodbye again, and then walk out. I walk past the nurses station and their knowing faces. I walk past the forgotten grey ghosts sitting in the lounge. Some of them look up at me with rheumy eyes, some of them sit, rock and talk to the past, other's do nothing.
I hit the button for the elevator and step in when the door opens.
I don't look back.
User Reviews
Submitted by fluffy_love (user info) at 2006-08-10 00:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
boo fucking hoo. warm wet towel over the face. bleah.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-08 17:12:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2s all around for someone getting pissed at me enough for not one but two uberboard messages!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-08 16:47:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid 15 posts of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-04-02 06:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing near your best. That's what I liked: the raw, reckless letting go of lit conventions.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-02 05:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:34:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-12 01:09:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Checking out Best Ever is always a good idea. This was awesome.
Submitted by I_R_Suspect (user info) at 2006-03-01 13:07:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could identify with so much you said.
Nice post.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-02-25 13:29:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-02-18 22:29:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i can't think of any words that would give this justice.
this was just.. just.. astonishing.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2006-01-07 01:39:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds a lot like Johnny Got His Gun. Well done.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-01-06 17:13:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck.
Submitted by Kirbage (user info) at 2005-12-09 17:52:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-05 22:54:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
can never make up for the waste of a good man...
but +2 heartbreak anyhow
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-05 17:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's the fucking thing that REALLY burns me...
My Dad's childhood was shit. I mean,it was really something horrid.
He went through stuff that I can't even bring myself to think about, and he turned out - by some miracle - to be one hell of a guy.
He's always treated me with compassion and understanding. He was known to be hard working and honest, and he was a fighter. He fucking fought this disease with everything he had from day one, and never gave up hope till the last couple of years. Hell, they didn't have to feed him antidepressants till a very long way in.
This guy had a childhood that spawns mass murderers, and came out a hero instead.
If anyone deserved a break in their later years it was him, but he's never had one.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-05 17:06:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks AshK,
I it's horrible to say, but it helps that he got it so early, the disease was just a part of him, when we were younger.
The reality of it is something we had to mature into I think.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-12-05 16:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I only had to deal with "this" whatever the hell "this" is for a few days before a complication took my dad. I have written about some good stories of his here, but I think that fear and that empty feeling really sneaks around the edges. I can't remember something good without remembering that place, those smells and the look around Dad's eyes.
I admit to being glad it only lasted a few days. I don't know how you have dealt with 20 years.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-02 16:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooops... meant to second this:
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2005-12-01 22:44:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
20 years like that? Jesus, that must be hard for you. Reading something like this makes me think of my own parents mortality and it completely blows that a part of life is saying goodbye to people who mean so much.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-02 16:34:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2005-12-01 22:44:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
20 years like that? Jesus, that must be hard for you. Reading something like this makes me think of my own parents mortality and it completely blows that a part of life is saying goodbye to people who mean so much.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-12-01 12:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-01 11:56:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Peckerhead,
Far be it for me to turn down a free brew.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-01 11:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bigmike,
Thanks man, this isn't so much about me coming to terms with my own mortality, but rather, a waste of a good man... and helplesness.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-01 07:28:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Living in your own head, waiting for the end. I dunno, it doesn't sound so bad.
Having to listen to the guy screaming would suck monkey balls though.
Made me think.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-12-01 01:35:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chin up Snarky.
We're all waiting to die. Some of us just have a longer wait is all. The longer we have to wait, the more pain we have to endure watching as our loved ones reach the end of thier time. Nothing can make you feel better about it. Nothing. Not even a hug from a big breasted, candy cane laden bombshell.
It's normal.
The thing I can't figure out is why the waiting doesn't drive more people insane. Probably because we can't see it until it's right on top of us. Then it is surely too late to do anything about it.
Anyhow, try to spend your wait productively and never stop thinking that you aren't leaving your mark on the world. We all leave our mark, some of us more than others. Leave yours strong and have no regrets.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-12-01 01:31:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I lost my dad 8 years ago. That's enough time for some perspective. One thing: Don't try to take a short cut through the grieving; it's an important process. And no, you can't buy me a beer next time I'm in the Van... cause I'm buying you one. Until then..
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2005-11-30 23:50:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-30 20:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn that was depressing.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-30 20:49:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-30 20:08:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what to say.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2005-11-30 19:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2005-11-30 19:31:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Euthanasia cha cha cha
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-30 19:22:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-11-30 17:50:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My best friend's step-dad was diagnosed with cancer last year.
He's beaten it twice, but once again it's back.
I know how you feel, just wanting the visit to be over. Thankfully Dale is still able to live at home, but every time I visit I don't like staying for more than an hour.
It's hard to see a man who was such a big influence on how I lived while I was growing up wasting away, and just wanting it to be over, one way or another.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-11-30 17:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-30 17:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not necessarily the kicker of all ass. I feel for you, though. Watching someone waste away has got to be one of the toughest things that anyone can do. It's the helplessness of it. It's worse for control freaks, which I happen to be.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-30 17:26:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You made me cry at work.
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-11-30 17:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-30 16:48:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin A, dude
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-30 16:16:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this before, but I forgot to rate. You're amazing.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-30 16:10:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:35:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Somebody needs a hug. From a hot chick. With big boobs that have candy canes sticking out of the cleavage. Hell yeah.
That, and I would shoot myself before it ever got that far. I'm a pussy when it comes to real, serious, constant pain. Other pain I can, you know, deal with and maybe enjoy, but an illness like that, or terminal cancer... It just isn't worth it to me.
People that tenacious and strong kind of, worry isn't the right word, but it seems to be the closest one to it, me.
And yes, I am fully aware of how unspeakably cheering and sympathetic and generally, uhm, soothing that little rant wasn't.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:56:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I dunno GLALL,
I don't know if I remember him Vibrant. I remember when he could walk, shortly before he got the cane, but that wasn't long...
I don't really remember him without the disease, and I think that's what is bothering me.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:56:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:47:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
---------------
one good fart deserves another.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:50:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my favorite Snark post.
good job, man.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:47:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:38:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i still hope i have kind children who will kill me if that happens.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:35:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Somebody needs a hug. From a hot chick. With big boobs that have candy canes sticking out of the cleavage. Hell yeah.
But seriously, reminds me very much of the mental state I'm in with my grandfather. It's hard to watch someone you love, once so vibrant and lively, just become imprisoned by their disabilities. I think it's a problem a lot of people deal with briefly in their lives.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
He has MS.
There is no such thing as a good nursing home... unless you're money.
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:18:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me of my great grandma's nursing home.. what's wrong with your dad??
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:14:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:06:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This happened a year ago.
He's still there. Somehow, he's still there in that place.
I got a call from the lady taking care of his pension today and it reminded me of that visit.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-11-30 15:03:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment