Who Are The Top 5 Assholes in Football? Your Thoughts (1082 hits)
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Submitted by Quartermain (View user info) at 2005-11-30 18:27:58 EST
Hello Sports Fans.
We all know who they are. Those Guys. The ones that ruin a game or a season or an afternoon. The kicker who all of a sudden forgets how to kick, the quarterback who apparently broke his arm right before kickoff, or the drunken shirtless fat guy behind us who spills beer on our date. (The fact that she was wearing a thin white T-shirt and no bra is noticed but irrelevant, besides, as far as that goes I'm Bond and those are For My Eyes Only)
Here's something for you to do while you're watching the clock or killing time or downloading music (and by 'music' I mean 'porn') What you need to do is think about the living human beings who ruin football for you the most, not just the kicker who missed a kick last Sunday but the kicker who missed a kick for your team in 1987 that cost you a chance at the Super Bowl.
List your all-time top 5 individuals, in order, then any other shiteheads who deserve mentioning as well, after the top 5, they don't have to be in any particular order but each listing must be 1) someone who is alive 2) someone who is human (and pretty much any aspect of football: player, coach, owner, agent, announcer, commentator, sportswriter, prognosticator, expert, whatever) 3) an individual (in other words, you can't put shit like "Raiders fans" or "guys who play Madden all the time")
To get started:
1. Ricky Williams - How hard is it to not smoke pot? You don't even have to do anything for it. All you have to do is not do something. It's easy to not do things, I don't do stuff all day. Plus, at the salary he's getting, it's like getting paid millions of dollars not to smoke. I don't do stuff for free, there's no telling what I wouldn't do for millions of dollars. Plus, every stoner for forty years has been telling the rest of us that pot is non-addictive, so he doesn't even that half-assed wretched excuse.
2. Terrell Owens - I'd love to buy T.O for he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth. Nobody would have to pay me to not smoke pot then, I'd already have a shiteload of money. In the 'Wasting the Talents the Good Lord Gave You Sweepstakes' T.O comes in first. It's a crying shame he couldn't just keep his damn mouth shut and play the game. If there's any justice, he'll be quickly forgotten and the next time he touches a football, it'll be because he's tossing one back and forth with his co-worker at Foot Locker after the mall closes.
Red McCombs - I think Red missed his calling as a blackmailer. He's got balls of solid brass though, I'll give him that. First he passes off a bunch of perennial choke artists as a football team. Then, despite being able to drop the price of a stadium and not even notice, he tells the city that if they don't build him a stadium for his Special Olympics team out of their (and by 'their' I mean 'mine') pockets, he'll move the team. The Vikings can't find the end zone, what makes him think they can find the highway out of town?
That Guy Who Is On Fox Sports With Jim Brown, Terry Bradshaw, And Howie Long; I Think His Name Is Chris Something. - You remember that game they used to play on Sesame Street called "Which One Of These Things Just Doesn't Belong Here?' That's what you've got here. This guy is the Potsie of Fox Sports. Plus that stupid grin he's got makes me want to shove his face into a box of tacks.
Randy Moss - I think he can be summed up in one sentence. 'I only play when I feel like playing.' Great job, Randy, way to cornhole every other guy on your team. Prick. And am I alone in thinking the afro is the stupidest hairstyle in history, second only to white guys with dreadlocks?
And in no particular order:
John Madden
Dante Culpepper
Deion Sanders - These three are on the list for obvious reasons
That One Guy At My Bar Who Wears A Team Jersey And Paints His Face To Sit On A Barstool and Watch Monday Night Football. - I mean really, how sad is that? Oh, and buddy, just FYI, they can't hear you through the TV so you don't need to holler at the top of your lungs. I, on the other hand, am not deaf, so you don't need to yell 'CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT? at me from half an inch away (or 13 liters for our European friends)
Janet Jackson - It's thanks to her I had to listen to a deafening cacophony of 'freedom of speech' pro and con bullshite for six months. The only thing worse than the 'American Family Defense Organisation' girning on about 'our children' are the people who take the bait.
Ricky Williams again - Because he deserves it
One Of My Roommates - He's a bandwagon fan. Whoever's on top, that's his team.
The Beer-Seller - Six bucks? For six bucks I can go to the grocery store and get six beers. But wait, if I do, I can't bring them into the stadium. Damn. Guess I'll have to watch the game in the comfort of my living room where I can lay on the couch and flip it over to 'Relic Hunter' and 'Xena' when the commercials come on.
Rupert Murdoch - His network is partly responsible for the 'wild card', exactly how isn't important. Besides, lists that blame people for things aren't about proof, they're about scapegoats. Plus he's named 'Rupert.' Don't feel too bad for him, though, he shares the blame with...)
The President of NBC (I can't be arsed to look it up, but he's equally guilty 'Wild Card?' last I checked this wasn't the Special Olympics, you don't get prizes for trying hard, or almost doing it)
The Guy Who Pioneered The 'Clever' Commercial - Because for every Budweiser frog, there's a score of 'WASSSSSUPPP!'s and for that alone he deserves to rot in hell.
Sid Hartmann - If you know who Sid Hartman is, you know why he's on this list, if you don't count yourself fortunate.
Ben Rothlisberger - Because his name lends itself to 'theme food' (i.e. 'The Rothlisburger') which also irritates me. If your food is good, you don't need to give it a cutesy name or pander to celebrity to get people to eat it.
There. Now vent your spleens, football monkeys.
User Reviews
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2005-12-01 11:44:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1. Terry Bradshaw
2. Terry Bradshaw
3. Terry Bradshaw
4. Terry Bradshaw
5. Terry Bradshaw
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2005-12-01 11:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
1) Kenny Albert (how the hell did he land a job in the booth? HOW????)
2) Mike Patrick (espn sunday night announcer)
3) TO
4) Chad Johnson (why is it that every one loves him?)
5) Sean Salisbury (the greasiest, stupidest motherfucker on TV)
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-12-01 11:05:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-11-30 18:49:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
1)McMahon (QB)
2)Icky(?) Woods
3)Every dancin jig who acts like it's their first time in the end zone
4)Instant replay
5)Astro-turf
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McMahon? How so? You must be a mouth-breathing Packer fan. Anyway, here's my list (and I think this was supposed to include current players/coaches/personalities):
1. Leonard Little--On October 19, 1998 Little ran a red-light in his Lincoln Navigator killing another motorist, Sue Gutweiler (age 47). His Blood-Alcohol level was .19, nearly twice Missouri's legal limit of .10. He pleaded guilty to involuntary manslaughter in June 1999, and was sentenced to only 90 nights in jail as part of a work-release program, just 1,000 hours of community service and only four years of probation. On April 24, 2004 Little was once again arrested for speeding and driving while intoxicated in Ladue, MO. Leonard Little is often considered one of the most dispicable human beings to ever put on a football uniform.
2. T.O. (by far)
3. Every announcer on FOX
4. Paul Tagliabue
5. Jerry Jones
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2005-12-01 10:48:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
he's not one of those annoying commentators who make those dumb comments like "well, the team that scores the most wins," or "it's 3rd and 7...looks like they needs 7 or more yards here."
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are you fucking kidding me? thats exactly what John Madden does. Take the peener out of your ears and stop watching his gullet flap around and you will both hear it and hate him before you can say "first down".
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-01 10:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The biggest assholes:
1)Troy Aikman. Ever try to watch Philly/NYG/Washington play Dallas when he's commentating. It's so annoying that I mute the TV and turn on an FM broadcast.
2)Joe Thiesmann. See Troy Aikman, but switch around Washington and Dallas.
3)Drew Rosenhouse. T.O. is his zombie.
4)Chad Johnson. Just shut the hell up and play, man.
5)Michael Irvin. There's a reason why the entire crowd at Veterans Stadium cheered when he was knocked out of the game permanently - he's an asshole.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-12-01 10:08:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
1. McBride
2. Diop
3. Knight
4. Malbranque
5. Cole.
Bunch of cunts.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-12-01 09:59:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
boring
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-12-01 09:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
funnyascancer, maurice clarrett was darfted in the 3rd round by the broncos, and then cut in pre-season. he's not even playing. thank god.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-12-01 09:38:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you say john madden is on there for "obvious resons." well.....i don't know what those are. i think john madden is awesome. he's got a a great resume (super bowl winning coach), a great voice, a great video game, he knows the game better than anyone else, and he's not one of those annoying commentators who make those dumb comments like "well, the team that scores the most wins," or "it's 3rd and 7...looks like they needs 7 or more yards here."
i think john madden is great for football.
anyway......
1) terrell owens - much agreed. he is a parasite. while he may be one of the more talented WRs in the game, his attitude and pompous behavior have far surpassed the playing field. the TD dances are cute and all, but the world does not revolve around him, as he wants to believe. i'm happy the eagles benched him. good for them. it showed class.
2) chad johnson - just T.O. on another team. but people love him because he's on the hapless-turn-awesome bengals. had he been on, say, the patriots and pulled this shit (marriage proposal to a cheerleader, cpr to the football, riverdancing.......ok that was funny, golfing in the endzone), he'd have gone the way of T.O. long ago.
3) SportsCenter - i love this show, but it's because of it that we now have the elaborate enzone celebrations, the unprofessional assholes, and the "i'd like to thank my hands for cathcing the ball"-type comments.
fuck chad johnson, fuck T.O., fuck ray lewis, and fuck anyone who thinks that dancing after you score to get attention to yourself will make people like you.
you know who has class? marvin harrison. barry sanders. ladanian tomlinson. priest holmes. tiki barber.
these guys get tons of yards and score buckets of TDs and simply give the ball to the ref and run to the sidelines. they don't feel the need to show off their newest broadway spectacular to sportscenter. and i respect that more than anything.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-12-01 06:50:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate football ...
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-12-01 06:32:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Maurice Clarett. Hands down.
Fucking jackass, getting me all riled up for another bitchin' season after they won the title, only to fuck it up like a true blue nigger. I hope he fucking chokes in the NFL, after all the shit he caused to get there.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-12-01 02:35:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The original lawn ornament: Billy "white-shoes" Johnson... and every 'dance'n smoke' since
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-11-30 23:07:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Peyton Manning- Alegedly teabagged a female trainer, calls his kicker and idiot, basically comes off as a southern good ol boy who can do no wrong and everything else is someone elses fault. That and his touchdown record last year was laughable. There was no reason for him to throw 6 fucking touchdowns in a blowout last year on thanksgiving.
Michael Vick or should I say Ron Mexico?- Anyone who gives a girl herpes because he was too ashamed to admit to her that he had them is a real winner. That and there is no difference between him and Kordell Stewart back in the day, minus that Stewart was more accurate.
John Madden- For being John Madden. I hate how he tries to dumb down football and explains something for two minutes, only that after he finishes rambling it turns out he was completely wrong. Plus he has an unhealthy amount of admiration for Brett Favre.
Lloyd Carr- Run, run, pass, punt. Llyod Carr ladies and gentleman.
Dick Vermiel- I can't write the reason without getting all teary.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-30 20:23:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah and Lee "Blubbering Vagina" Corso
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-30 20:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1. Phillip "I wish this goddamn game would end so I can go get a rack of ribs" Fulmer
2. Steve "Cock" Spurrier
3. Michael "I swear that crack pipe wasn't mine" Irvin
4. Lou Holtz AKA Loose Bolts
5. Terrell "Donovan McNabb is, was, and always will be better than me in every way" Owens
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-30 19:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very macho rant - note the abundance of peeners on this post's rankings
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-11-30 19:41:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Chris Collinsworth isnt on the Fox pregame broadcast anymore. It's Jimmy Johnson.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-30 19:31:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here ya go:
1. Art Modell
2. Bill Bellicheck
3. Butch Davis
4. Anyone from Pittsburgh
5. Brian Bilick
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-11-30 19:17:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Okay asshat!
3) Randy Moss
4) Emitt Smith
5) Ryan Leaf
5 tie) Brian Bosworth
I thought that dancin jig was somewhat humorous, I am frequently wrong.
What I should have said with p.c. filter is.
the people who dance around in the endzone, I guess.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2005-11-30 18:58:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-11-30 18:49:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
1)McMahon (QB)
2)Icky(?) Woods
3)Every dancin jig who acts like it's their first time in the end zone
4)Instant replay
5)Astro-turf
************************************************
Those last three don't count. Apparently you need to go back and re-read the directions. Oh, and words like 'jig' aren't clever or shocking, they're just classless.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-30 18:56:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Plus he murdered someone.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-30 18:56:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't see Ray Lewis.
That guy is the definition of "Nigger".
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-11-30 18:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1)McMahon (QB)
2)Icky(?) Woods
3)Every dancin jig who acts like it's their first time in the end zone
4)Instant replay
5)Astro-turf
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-30 18:46:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
1) Eric Cantona
2) Alex Ferguson
3) Jose Murinho
4) Roy Keane
5) Robbie Savage
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-30 18:41:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Shlongy's List:
1) Terrell Owens - enough said
2) Michael Irvin (retired) - I don't like fucking liars. I can deal with the fact that the guy was a crack head during his career. But this last week...made me angry enough to email ESPN. I have not heard back.
3) Drew Rosenhaus - I promise you if I EVER am in the same room as he is, I will hit him. PROMISE. If you don't know who he is, you're a retard.
4) The Minnesota Vikings - Check their collective rap sheet from the last 5 years. They make some members of "The Crips" look like members of the Mormom Tabernacle Choir. Special kudos go to Onterrio Smith - he of "The Whizzenator". Google him.
5) Al Davis - As a lifelong Raiders fan, this senile old fuck - who has become rich beyond any expectations by OWNING an NFL team but he has still managed to SUE the NFL 24 times in the last 25 years...has single handedly ruined this once proud franchise. It's no coincidence that the Radiers lead the NFL in penalties every year...It's the league offices' way of getting back at Al.
I'm great at this.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-11-30 18:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this list is half the reason why i love the nfl season so much. they should have a season of real world with all nfl guys... and one cheerleader for them to eiffel tower when they get really drunk on cognac and shit like that.