Hereditary Murder - Part 4 (490 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Da MagnificAnt Dyldo <lordofduct.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-30 20:26:38 EST
This first part is a forward and comment about the story. If you are here just to read the story, skip past this to the long line of dashes where the story starts.
A little forward for anyone who lives in Canton; I pulled the name Canton out of my ass not knowing it was real. This has all taking place in New England so far, which is where I am from originaly. I was going to use my own hometown's name and the other town I used to live in as to meet the descriptions I wanted. I did not like the name of my hometown though. The name is too soft of a name. I felt that it made his hometown seem like a nice memory full of people he loved, kind of like summer... I selected West Hartford for the other town just due to Geography. So, anyone from these areas I do know that the descriptions of the towns do not meet what they are really, but should that matter in fiction?
One more important thing I'd like to ask of you the reader:
Though there is a lack of any comments on my writing I'd still like to ask for some assistance. This story is going to take place over several years (so if you are planning on reading them all, expect a lot of reading), but I do not know how to pick up the pace to get it moving through the years with out sounding rushed. Any pointers or tips?
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Part 1 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/79905
Part 2 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/79987
Part 3 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/80099
Danny's father doesn't live in Canton anymore, nor does he live in West Hartford where Danny lives. Instead he lives in Florida and drives tractor trailer between there and New England. Danny worships the ground his father walks on despite some of the unorthodox things he has done and still does. Most boys could be considered a momma's boy; Danny is a daddy's boy. He fights with his mother repeatedly only because he prefers to live with his father. He doesn't realize that this is not possible though. Even if he were under his fathers roof, he wouldn't actually live with his father. This does not detour him from rebeling against his mother in the honor of his father.
"Danny... Danny Dircman." Mr. Cummings shook Danny in his seat, "Danny, wake up."
"What... stop it. Can't you see I'm sleeping." Danny shook the arm from his shoulder and pushed his own face tighter into his crossed arms.
"Danny you can't sleep in class. I don't want to have to fail you for the day."
"What Mr. Cum in your mouth? I finished your stupid test and..."
"Danny!" Mr. Cummings stood cross armed and began tapping his foot. "What did you call me."
Danny let out a groan, "I'm sorry Mr. Cummings, it's just that I didn't sleep last night and I had a really bad day. It was Tuesday and..."
"Oh, I'm sorry." He always interupts Danny, but he is still a very understanding man, "but that still doesn't mean you can call me what you called me." Mr. Cummings walked back towards his own desk at the front of class. He is a young man, barely thirty, who walks tall and prideful; he is a coach none the less. His older brother is friends with Danny's mother and taught the excellerated student classes back in Canton. "My brother speaks highly of you, but I've yet to see it. You get great grades on your tests, but you fail to do your homework ever and never stay awake in class. If you are awake, you back talk me every moment you can."
The kids around the class snicker a bit. Steven, who sits beside Danny, leans over and shakes his desk.
"Wake up Dorkman."
"Fuck you." Danny mumbles under his breathe. He speaks up to ask the teacher, "Mr. Cummings, can I use the bathroom?"
"no you... may... not!"
"May I use the lavatory?" Danny sighs as he says it.
"Go for it." One moment he is proper, the next he is loose and casual. Danny stands up and walks out of the class as the kids all snicker and talk amongst themselves.
"Stupid fucking math class, do your homework, stay awake in class." Danny smacked his waste and dragged his feet down the hall towards the boys room. He pushes through the door and walks up to the sink. Running the tap he splashes water in his face, "why the fuck should I have to do homework if I get A's on his stupid tests." Rubbing the water in his face and then leaning onto the sink, "Homework should be for studying, and if I don't have to study why should I do the homework?" He pushed away from the sink and walked back to class mumbling more to himself about school work and the way he thinks it should work. Why he didn't use the bathroom like he had intended was not on his mind. He only wanted to take a breather from the class so he wouldn't get upset.
Back in the classroom he saw Mr. Cummings on the call box talking to the front office. Danny got a sinking feeling in his stomach because he knew it was about him. His shoulders dropped lower and he turned to sit in his seat with out looking.
"Owwwwwwwww!" Someone had placed a tack on his seat. Danny flew out of his seat and began screaming at everyone around him. "Who did it? Who fucking did it?"
Mr. Cummings dropped the phone at the call box and started towards Danny.
"It was you Steven, I know it was." Steven sat balling in his chair. His laughter cackled and hurt Danny's ears. Danny grabbed hold of Steven's desk and stared him in the face; his legs shaking and arms like rubberbands, "You... you, little... I'm gonna..."
"What? What are you going to do?" Steven spat in Danny's face. Mr. Cummings was closing in fast. Danny mustered together what strength he could and flipped Steven's desk onto its side.
"Danny, to the office now!" Mr. Cummings grabbed him by the shoulder, "Your father is here to pick you up."
"My father?" Danny's stomach sank deeper.
"You speak with Mr. Sparks while you're there and see what your father has to say about this!"
"Yes sir." Danny walked from the classroom and down the hall. He kicked a locker and fell to his ass, "Ah crap, I better get this ass ready for the whoopin' I'm gonna catch for this one." Danny loved his father and respected the man more then God himself, but he also feared the man more then God too.
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Once in the office he was greeted by his frowning father. The man stood barely taller then Danny, but about as wide across as tall. His arms were stiff like steel and chest stuck out as far as his beer gut. When Danny would read Lord of the Rings he always imagined his father playing the role of Gimli; a short, fat and strong dwarf. Danny obviousily got his genes from the more scandavian and tall family of his mother. Too bad puberty hasn't set in yet.
"I was here to pick you for some lunch." His father said in as sweet of a tone a man this size could. "But you go and do this!" He growled.
"I'm, I'm..." Danny was already crying, "I'm sorry."
"Come, let's go to my office and speak about this." Mr. Sparks chimed in with his soothing diplomatic voice.
"No, I'll handle this!" Danny's father snarled at Mr. Sparks and grabbed Danny by the hair on his head lifting him into the air. Out the office doors and out to his fathers truck, Danny hardly touched the ground three times. A swift boot in the ass and Danny flew into the passenger seat six feet from the ground in the Peterbilt his father drove. His father came around to the driver side and pulled himself up into the seat. He reached over and grabbed Danny by the head and gave him a noogie.
"I come all this way to see you and you go and get in trouble that same day." He smiled a bit and then slammed Danny's head into the window, "Now look what you've gone and made me do!"
"Ow Dad... I said I am sorry." Danny mumbled out between heaves of exhaustion.
"Quit that fucking crying. I was going to let you take the day off from school, but now you have to go back and face your principal."
Danny rubbed his eyes and did his best to stop the heaving of his chest, "yeah, I'm getting in enough trouble as is. Could you please stop?"
"No!" He smashed Danny into the window again, "I got to bang you up good to keep you out of trouble. Your mother will be angry at me if you get suspended." He reached over and put his large arms around Danny, "There I think that's good enough, give your ol' man a hug."
Danny attempted a hug back and then sat back in his seat.
"There, well lets get something to eat and I'll get you back to class."
User Reviews
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2006-01-09 08:49:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2005-12-19 15:39:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i dont know why no one is reading this- i saw the 7th and decided that my english class was better served reading the rest than doing any work.
i always notice, though, that when i post a good story (even though ive only posted two), it gets far fewer reads and reviews than some piece-of-shit.
this is really great, the only thing i have to say is that the dialogue seems a little, erm, disjointed? not sure what word im looking for, but yeah.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-12-03 23:37:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good. You could have gone into more detail about why his father is abusive, unless you're going to do that in a later episode.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-11-30 23:32:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good! You need to watch your spelling though, it was awful in this episode. I think that you did very well to put some action into this sequence, seeing how he is abused by everyone in his life - especially his father- kind of builds up to the title. Anyway, I'm excited to see where this is going, I enjoy your description of his childhood. Starting early in the character's life is very cool, you could also move forward in time for a little bit and then back to his childhood to see how he was influenced by the past.
Keep truckin, and don't worry, serious work very rarely gets mass reviews.