Viking Jameson Pt. 1 (486 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 2 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Banga3386 <tanzia682.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2005-12-01 00:27:13 EST
Over the past couple months I entered what I will call the Viking Jameson days. It has something to do with my two favorite ingestibles. These entries are what came of those long nights. None of these will be proofread or edited.
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It's not so much that I need to release the emotional pain with physical pain all the time, it's more that I enjoy having a wound that I can take care of, watch it heal, and have a scar to show for. Another side of it is that I think cuts, burns, other wounds, and scars are interesting. There is always a story to tell about them; from the mundane cat scratch, to the interesting accident, to the strangely fascinating intentional wound.
That last one is where it gets "interesting." Not only am I intrigued by injuries but I'm also excited by them. In certain respects that scares me. On one page they set up a good story which can be great, the flip side is that I enjoy every thing about being cut. Be it by an object, and animal, someone else, or myself, I am infatuated with it.
Right now I am in a damn good state of mind: with the exception of my cat dying (who was my best, longest, and dearest friend) I am awesome and have been so for the past six or so months. My home life is great, my job and financial situation is good, and even my chronically dormant love life is picking up. But yet I want to bleed myself.
Maybe a small part of that is due to the idea of "if it feels good do it." Quite possibly true but it doesn't account for the want to have a wound, nor the extreme excitement that even the thought brings. This goes way beyond all the reasoning behind self injury and its coping benefits; and fits squarely in the categories of sick and macabre. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I've never expressed "out loud" until just recently. Even when I was "losing my mind" and tried to admit to myself to a mental hospital I never wanted to tell them anything about this or any of the other truly sick and awful thoughts in my mind. A part of the reason why I don't mention those even in my journal is because they scare the hell out of me. But the fact that they are there sets off sirens that I have a lot of extremely deep rooted problems. I've had a couple of times in my life where I've "laid everything out on the table" to someone but NEVER any of this.
Another thing to mention is that the morals and ideals that I believe are so strong that I now understand the mentality and devotion in religious zealots in suicide bombings. It's that level of belief and dedication to the ideals that lead me to tell you that I know that my life is worthless. I know that I was a mistake and my parents made the best with the cards they had, combined with my biggest fear of overpopulation and my strongest belief that one's life is only worth living if they can contribute as much as imaginably possible to everyone around them, those that come after them, and the entire human race that they can, then and only then is their life worth living.
The tunnel light for this point to me is that I'm working hard and employing people so they can survive like me, (philosophically) all the while learning as much as I can and passing on that knowledge as soon as I have it.
Some of this may be depressing and scary but there's that old joke about "maybe your purpose in life is to serve as an example to others of what not to do." In that respect I don't mind telling other people the scary shit in my head as long as I help them understand and how to deal.
Going back to the self injury topic, I used to be obsessed with helping those who SI because it was a topic near and dear to my heart and because I knew a great deal about it, I was actually able to help a number of people; which like I mentioned earlier, gave my life meaning.
The absolute last thing I ever want to do in my life is to be selfish. The irony lies in being selfish to give myself purpose by helping others. That makes me laugh. By the way, I have removed myself from situations where I was doing nor could I do no help: I don't look at myself as some sort of savior. I'm constantly learning which is why I like to keep tabs on everyone I've ever dated or been close to; to share the new and hopefully helpful information.
I don't have a question to ask nor do I have a closing statement; I've had writer's block for months also getting this out made me feel a bit better. Funny now that I remember that I haven't written anything worth the paper since I've been doing good these past six months or so. Add another point to the "pain equals art" idea.
As Duke Ellington used to say,
I love you madly
-Banga
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-12-01 12:24:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
strange...
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-12-01 10:35:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brutally honest, provocative & insightful...
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-12-01 08:21:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The irony lies in being selfish to give myself purpose by helping others."
I don't think that's being selfish. Every positive act we do has negative consequences for someone or something in the short or long term. It is in balance that we reach accord with the world around us.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-01 06:14:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you can learn more about a person with just about ANYTHING besides a TL interview.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-01 06:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never understood the mentality behind cutting before. You have provided a pretty good insight.
Although Tigerlilly is doing her interview series, I think you learn more about a person by reading something like this. Of course not everyone would be prepared to share a story like this, though.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:20:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
one's life is only worth living if they can contribute as much as imaginably possible to everyone around them, those that come after them, and the entire human race that they can, then and only then is their life worth living.
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This is a beautiful philosophy to live by. Maybe when you hurt yourself it's because you only feel alive and worthy when you have someone to take care of and help, so you hurt yourself to create a need, then care for yourself helping the wounds to heal. That time could have been spent doing what you really need and want to do most, helping others. I hope that makes sense. You have a beautiful spirit, don't hold it back or hurt its body anymore, else it won't be able to do what it was meant to do. Thanks for helping me, by the way. This give me alot to think about, and thinking brings about understanding and change.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-12-01 01:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...one's life is only worth living if they can contribute as much as imaginably possible to everyone around them, those that come after them, and the entire human race that they can, then and only then is their life worth living."
+2 for the above. I thought *I* just did a serious post. Well done, man. Brutally honest.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-01 01:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not trying to make light of anything, its just I cannot concentrate because of it
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-01 01:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I ate a bunch of chipotle peppers a while ago and now I hurt hurt hurt
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-12-01 01:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I rated this already?
I'm going to bed.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-12-01 00:30:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good.