Run - Part 3 (614 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.91 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2005-12-01 12:37:59 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80002 - Part One
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80114 - Part Two
A man in cut-off jeans and a hooded pull-over sweatshirt pulled into a gas station outside of the small town of Ayuda, to ask for directions. He killed the engine on his vintage Harley chopper next to the pumps and told the service attendant to fill it up, while he went inside.
He had an unrecognizable face, which would be unmemorable by the attendant and cashier, when later discussed by the police. His facial features were non-distinct and the only thing that would be remembered would be his hair, black as charcoal.
After his fueling instructions, he said, "Don't touch nothing but the fuel cap, and I mean it."
The attendant got the feeling that he should listen. As non-distinct as this man was, he didn't appear to be one to fuck with.
He walked inside the small store and asked the cashier for directions to the Jameson Farm. The cashier told him that it was 8 and a half miles outside of town on Main Street, which is also State Road 38, and on the left. You can't miss it.
The man in the hooded sweatshirt wouldn't miss it.
He bought a pack of Marlboro reds, lovingly called cowboy killers in his mind, walked around the station and lit one up. He had quit years ago, when the cancer almost killed him, but he always picked up a pack before doing a job for someone.
He almost never knew who his employers were. It was always done through an intermediary, with funds being wired in full, to dummy accounts. After the job was done, the intermediary wired the bulk of the proceeds to the real account, keeping a portion under $10,000.00 for himself, to avoid the feds and left the account open.
The only good intermediaries left out there, were the ones that had been in the business before September 11th. Before the banks went on this whole identification verification kick with the Patriot Act, you could open a bank account over the phone. The older intermediaries kept several bank accounts for the purpose of securing business.
The man in the hooded sweatshirt thought of leaving his line of work years ago, to become an intermediary. He enjoys this work better. He liked to bring the pain.
He paid the attendant in ones, after butting his cigarette and fired up his hog. The sound protruded into everything that surrounded the area, a penetrating and guttural sound and he put on his headphones.
The CD player fastened to the side of his bike, played Tool's Aenima at full volume. The track that was playing was Stink-Fist.
He kicked up the stand, put the bike into gear and took off.
About a mile from the farm, he pulled off the road and hid his Harley behind some trees. He removed the bags from behind the seat and set them on the ground. He unclipped the waist buckle on the satchel he carried on his back and removed that, to place it next to the bags. Two cars passed by. He paused to check his cover; when satisfied that he couldn't be seen, he began unpacking a small arsenal from the bags.
When not wearing his shoulder-holsters, for his twin semi-auto 45's, he felt naked, out of place and marginally weaker. Putting the holsters on, chambering a round and placing them into their carriages brought about comfort to him. He clipped his large service knife to his thigh, ran his ammo belt through his belt-loops and put together his shotgun, threading the strap through its ports for it to be easily carried.
He was no longer the man in the hooded sweatshirt; he took that off when the holsters were put on. He was no longer weakened or naked. He was an assassin out for a blood-bath and paid well to bathe in it.
His name was Gearhart and some people were going to die
User Reviews
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-12-04 16:49:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was gone for the weekend to finish up hunting camp, but looked for this as soon as I got home. This one was good, too. mb has a good point about the directions the hitter asked for and it could definitely use more imagery. For instance, when Gearhart was "checking his cover", you could describe the area in which he was hiding in great detail to really pull the reader into the environment.
All in all, the story is unfolding nicely, though and you have a really good knack for the cliffhanger installment endings. They leave me anxious for the next part.
I know it tends to be hard to get fiction the attention it deserves on Uber, but once you get a base of readers hooked, they usually stay with you. I fell out with my Deep Water Dreams series for a long time there and now that I've started it again, I've gotten very few reviews back. We're all cursed with a short attention span these days. Please keep up the good work, EMC, and I'll try to stay reading.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-12-01 16:23:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool I'll keep an eye out for it.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-01 16:01:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
mb,
I appreciate your input. That didn't even cross my warped little mind. I didn't even consider that until you just brought it up. If you're still interested, part 4 will be Monday. Hopefully.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-12-01 15:46:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm likeing these. Particularly the way you leave each one hanging.
One thing I didn't like with this though is what kind of hitman asks for directions to the place where he's going to kill someone. Particularly out in the sticks. That just didn't seam right.
Keep em coming though.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-01 14:42:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by windowsrcold (user info) at 2005-12-01 14:32:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
love the story can't wait for the next installment. I agree with a comment on one other post though. Needs a little more imagery. Other than that a great read.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-01 14:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That would rock.
I understand the work thing. I'm under that constraint all the time. So much so, that I really have to pick and choose what posts I check out.
Here's a two to knock the overal up a bit.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-01 14:10:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Snark,
I'm trying to put it together with my down-time at work. I don't really have time to polish it. I appreciate your input. When the story is done, I will polish it at home. Thank you, though. Maybe I could email you the whole thing?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-12-01 13:26:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a112/chrisconjr/whatthehellman.jpg
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-01 13:21:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You seem to be struggling a bit here. You've restated some things several times and the flow seems choppy.
Still, the story is sound and I'm interested in where it goes next.