Come, You Unfaithful (or "Try Not to Blow Any More Men At the Mall Today, Please") (1105 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.78 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2005-12-01 12:43:24 EST
Sometimes you get gold, sometimes you get lead. And sometimes, on Thursday, when the week's busy and someone doesn't have time to spin something that rhymes, or that's quality, you get this:
Oh, my dear, you've gone and done it again, haven't you?
You've gone and made me look the fool for chiding you in public.
How was I to know you were 'only popping into Gap for a second to look at socks?'
Honey,
I ask you,
How was I to know?
You've left me countless times before,
And proved yourself a wretched whore,
Doing men in clothing stores
Behind the dressing rooms' closed doors.
Come, we must be going.
I don't even know why I take you to the mall anymore.
Maybe we need to start using the tether again,
But I can't really say.
Are you listening to me??
STOP LOOKING AT THAT GUY IN HOT TOPIC!
DAMNIT, MARIE, IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO BANG HIM WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK ME FIRST??
I'm sorry.
I've come undone.
Again.
See what you do to me?
I've heard tell that 'a woman's vagina ain't no palace of diamonds,'
And darlin', damned if your quim ain't no temple of Solomon,
No mansion of butterscotch and dreams,
Or hunting lodge of coriander and bottomless steak fries.
No.
It is merely a slit where babies come from,
And where I come, hard up and penitent like a begger in Saigon,
And blood drips like oil from the bottom of a Buick Skylark.
And where about half the male clientele of the Black Hills Shopping Centre has stuck his fist, finger, tongue, pud, or toes.
You tease me with your tits and steeze,
And yet I know you aim to please.
Your snatch, it is no secret to me,
I know its folds and depths like a sailor knows the sea,
The single, roving sea
Salty, fishy, rapt with wave, touched with crest and foam,
The sailer knows the waters well and calls it, thus, his home.
And so, like Ahab and Bligh before me,
I appreciate why other men
Would want you, want to come partake
Of your titloaf and cunny cake.
But, really? The mall?
Why the shopping mall?
There are places we can go if you want to swing.
Like Dayton, for I hear Ohio's great this time of year for this sort of thing.
Like your mother's bedroom. Your mother's a whore, dear. It's best you know that now.
And there are always clubs that are dark and appropriate,
With rules and standards and 'couples only' signs.
Oh, what,
You never thought I may want a piece of the strange?
Bitch.
Stop thinking about yourself here for a second.
Let us not play that game.
You are ceviche served to me from Eros's trembling spoon,
You are haggus meant only for my penis and my heart,
You are a balut egg on the dinner plate of my love,
And, yes, you are the grilled bull snout that makes my fire start.
You...you I love to eat
To nibble ears and lick your feet,
To sip from nipple's fleshy glass
To sup on bleached and tender ass.
You are my curse, my yoke, my ball, my chain,
My at-home pleasure, my public pain,
My meal, mainly mine when we're alone
My bounty, shared with all when we're not home.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-04-27 16:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
give me the drugs you take.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-27 16:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"No mansion of butterscotch and dreams"
Best. metaphor. ever.
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
did you fail english?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-05 13:00:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A +1 for the title. I didn't like the poem so much though.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-12-02 14:20:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80271#1722338
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-01 17:12:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dam is all I can say.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-12-01 14:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You humble me
Submitted by Cryslynn1 (user info) at 2005-12-01 14:30:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 For the picture. The writing was pretty funny too.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-01 14:28:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
During what drug bender did you sell your immortal soul to Satan in exchange for being able to write poems like this?
PLUS MOTHERFUCKING TWO AS USUAL.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-12-01 14:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As I said before, +2's for life.
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-12-01 14:01:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You...you I love to eat
To nibble ears and lick your feet,
To sip from nipple's fleshy glass
To sup on bleached and tender ass.
------------
I found this very moving....in my nether region.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-01 13:53:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAAAHAHAHAHA
Sounds like a song by the Scrotum Poles.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-12-01 13:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a112/chrisconjr/whatthehellman.jpg
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-01 13:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-01 12:58:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
In other news, the pope is considering doing away with limbo:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051130/od_nm/pope_limbo_dc
Where, oh where, will the unbaptized babies go?
--------------
Crap that was my backup afterlife.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-01 13:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Just the fucking dirt and all the old people, I'm just fucking bummed all the time. It's like 'Fuck.'"
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-12-01 12:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i am great this year, for that sort of thing.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-01 12:58:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Consider Dayton a victim of my keystrokes. It was going to be Daytona, but I missed the 'a' and figured 'fuck it, move on...'
In other news, the pope is considering doing away with limbo:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051130/od_nm/pope_limbo_dc
Where, oh where, will the unbaptized babies go?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-01 12:57:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.riverscape.org/html/body_the_fountain.html
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-01 12:57:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're nuts too. Everyone is crazy around this place today. It must be the season.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-01 12:54:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are places we can go if you want to swing.
Like Dayton, for I hear Ohio's great this time of year for this sort of thing.
----------------------------------------------------
I consider this a direct insult.
You have no right to make such outrageous assumptions about the city I love. I've been married to my lovely wife now for two hours, and I haven't even considered going to a swing par.....
...
We have a fountain with lasers, you know. It also rains crack and Vibe magazines on the weekends.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-12-01 12:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the chicken has been fucking the elephant.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-01 12:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No mansion of butterscotch and dreams
=====================================
Unless you're comedian Lewis Black. Apparently he was sticking it to some hooker, and did the ole reach around to the ass, and came up with a fingerful of not-so-much butterscotch "pudding". Cracktastic! I knew I never liked butterscotch and that clinched it for me.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-12-01 12:48:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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