Deluge (595 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.12 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saffron (View user info) at 2005-12-02 12:26:20 EST
There wasn't a wiper setting high enough to maintain visibility. Water moved up over curbsides soaking pedestrians every time a car rolled slowly by. She doubted it mattered much to them given the short walk to her car had soaked her wool jacket through, but she felt a pang of pity none the less.
Nerves shattered with the air when the thunder began. Her stomach cramped in response pressing her stomach towards her heart. Her car was jerked without warning, the water filling each depression in the road showing off its subtle power. Traffic inched, fearful.
Anxiety turned her down a side street to park. She opened the window allowing the crisp air to cut through the muggy interior and lit a cigarette. She hadn't realized her hands were shaking.
Water rushed down the hill underneath her, a river of refuse creating a whirlpool as it slowly clogged the street drain. She wanted to be home. She wanted to light candles and watch the show from the safety of her bedroom window.
A squirrel ran across the road, a wet furry streak. She imagined coming home from work to find her porch standing room only for a dray of wet rodents.
Her sleeve was soaked but she couldn't stand the idea of rolling the window up. The air made her feel more aware and getting home was not an auto pilot option tonight. Street lights flickered and went out; lightning imprinted the black.
She wondered how many people would never make it home tonight.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-02-18 17:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-02-18 17:34:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Maybe reorganize it so that tension builds a little more evenly?
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-12-02 18:17:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've seen a lot worse.
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2005-12-02 16:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is actually part of a larger piece I'm struggling with. I would post the whole thing but 1) it's not done and 2) reading "WTF I'm not reading all that " isn't really helpful. You ever work on something that is just off & you need some feedback to figure out what it is ?
Bob, thanks. I'll see if first person is the tweak I'm looking for.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-12-02 16:29:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-02 12:29:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
Was this an assignment to write something really vague in the third person point of view?
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-02 14:55:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Good imagery but if it included a story, that would have been something.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-02 13:44:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I would rather try to have sex with a wolverine than read this post again.
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-12-02 13:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
U R TEH SUK?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-02 13:10:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I don't feel like being mean. I will only say I just found this to lack any good qualities.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-02 12:29:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Was this an assignment to write something really vague in the third person point of view?