Ray's Valentines Day Massacre (756 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.25 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RonArtestPunch (View user info) at 2005-12-02 15:36:18 EST
In High School, I worked at a pizza place delivering pizzas to those less fortunate than me and the occasional tipper. I've seen many things, including neglegaint fathers, hilarious mishaps involving 2 overweight girls balancing on the hood of a car, and grandmothers and their toddler grandchildren ordering pizzas at 1 in the morning. However, nothing can compare to my one special co-worker friend. His name was Ray.
Ray had worked at this pizza place for over 20 years and had been there longer than not only the manager but the owner as well. His seniority had granted him a special immunity which he would often abuse. In the 8 monthes that i worked there, Ray crashed 3 different cars on the job WHILE intoxicated.
Now let me explain something about Ray. Ray is not all there. Growing up, Ray must have experimented with every drug known to man and as a result he was fried. He talks a hundred miles an hour and mumbles uncontrollably. However he is the most interesting person you will ever meet. He will talk to you about anything. Sometimes this can be a delightful experience, sometimes...just sometimes he will tell you something that will leave you horrified and speechless. This is a story about one of those times.
It was Valentines Day and my asshole manager forced me to work with 2 other drivers Dean and Ray. I always teased Deano and called him a faggot for kicks and giggles and he was a good sport about it. So were all sitting around in the store bored out of our minds trying to figure out why no one wanted a pizza on Valentines Day when i popped to question to Deano.
"Dean, will you be my Valentine?"
He declined respectfully citing the fact that he was married. So i turned to Ray and proposed to same question.
"Ray, will you be my Valentine?"
With this he looked at me as if rekindling a memory of a special valentine's day he shared with a special someone in the past. Upon returning he looked at me and said this:
"Oh man, Deano won't be yer valentine, dag gum man, shoot I'll be yer valentine."
And then he started mumbling. I couldn't understand a word he was saying, but being the nice guy that i am (except to Dean), I smiled and nodded as if i was following along. After about 30 seconds of mumbling he broke back in to english, and this is what he was saying.
"So I went in her house and she said, if ya evar come back, i'ma put this gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. So I was like "yeah whatever" and came back the next day i went back in and she put that gun in her mouth and blew the back of her head cleeeeen off."
This statement was accompanied by the "gun in mouth" hand motion and subsequent back of the head explosion technique.
I was shocked. I didn't know what to do. It was the equivalent of handing someone a coke and then getting punched in the face. I never talked to him again about the subject. I am left to wonder how he could turn from a simple joking valentine question to a story of loathing and hate.
I can only pray to GOD now, all i have are my dreams.
User Reviews
Submitted by malkavian (user info) at 2005-12-06 01:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it. Would have been better without the last 2 paragraphs, though.
Submitted by Boondock (user info) at 2005-12-06 00:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Retaliatory -2s are for fags. Did I hurt your faggy feelings with a -2? Remember, shitty posts get shitty rankings, and you really shouldn't be here if you can't deal with it. Stupid twat.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-03 11:51:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Reading this made me hungry, for pizza
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2005-12-02 22:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 purely for being a pizza delivery boy. A friend of mine used to do that and you guys are underpaid and mistreated.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-02 16:11:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha. nice. good first post. or if you're an alter, good alter.
Submitted by BeavisChrist (user info) at 2005-12-02 16:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn..Ray sounds pretty cool.
Submitted by Boondock (user info) at 2005-12-02 16:01:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 because Ron Artest is a first-class asshole.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-12-02 16:00:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty Good.
Submitted by kaylo1999 (user info) at 2005-12-02 15:57:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed so hard my contact cam out.
Catfish Biffs, Columbus,OH Class off 93-98
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-02 15:53:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pop pop pop
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-02 15:53:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
WEIRDO!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-02 15:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-02 15:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Enjoyable.
Keep it up, champ. Up.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-12-02 15:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm reviewing again, not because the post sucked, but because the story could have been delivered slightly better. Hence, +1.5.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-02 15:44:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
interesting. better than most first posts i've seen lately.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-12-02 15:39:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for the user name...I'll review again if the post sucks.