Dude, be cool. It's Christmas. (1470 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: Heart
Rating: 1.53 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Big Tony (View user info) at 2005-12-02 17:15:33 EST
I go to my local grocery store last night at about 6:30ish. I see older black woman with a ugly
tan knitted cap and a tan long tathered coat. We made eye contact as I walked in, and I seen her
eyes were all welled up and she was ready to cry. A store manager was was being kinda harsh with
her, and I had an idea what was going on but didn't really give a shit. I need a bottle of Amaretto
(Desorano) and fast. The wife calls me on my cell, "Hun, I need tampons!" Great. I hate buying
pussy products. Whatever. Now I need to buy the BIG bottle of Amaretto.
I walk up to the checker, place the bottle of liquor on the belt along side the Super Absorbant
Tampax tampons and the woman asks, "Hi, how are you tonight?" I look at her and laugh, "Not good."
I get a fake reply, she doesn't give a shit, it's just to break the silence and so we don't hear
the black woman in the corner cry. "Awww, what's the matter?" With a straight face I say, "Well,
the wife is on her period so I need to get drunk. I'll be better in 5 to 7 days." We both laughed.
For some strange reason, I asked what was going on with the black broad. I didn't want to ask, it
was one of those things you just blurt out. I knew what happened, I just didn't want it to get
quiet. "Oh, she tried to steal a pack of hamburger. Some people...."
Sure, shoplifting is wrong, but who steals hamburger? C'mon? It's not like she tried to life a
bottle of Jack or a carton of cigs? It's food.
Me: "Hun, ask the manager if I can talk to him?"
Cashier: "I don't think he can talk to you now...... how about the assistant?
Me: "Please?"
The assistant manager walks over and I ask him if I can straighten out the problem with the woman
and the hamburger. The assistant tells me that he doesn't think so, so I practically beg the guy
to get the manager to come over. He does, the assistant is now watching over the woman in the
doorway and the manager comes over.
Me: "Chief, sorry to bother you but can I help straighten out that little problem?"
Manager: "It's not your concern, the police are on their way."
Me: "Sir, it was meat. She's hungry. Let me make it right."
Manager: "She is a shoplifter, we don't take that lightly."
Me: "Dude, be cool. It's Christmas. You can tell she's a mother."
Manager: laughes "How can you tell she's a mother?"
Me: "You can just tell. Please, let me make it right."
At this time, the woman is crying and kinda jumping in one spot, stomping her foot and begging for
mercy. "Sir, she's hungry. PLEASE! Let me make it right." He walks over to the woman and then
comes back to me and laughes and says, "She has three kids, outside sitting on the bench." With a
slight attitude of authority, while giving the manager all the respect he deserves, I pull out 50
bucks and walk him over to the woman. As we're walking I put the fifty in his cheap shirt pocket
and I thanked him accordingly. "Hun, it's OK. I've taken care of it." And the manager is confused
as to whether he should be pissed or impressed, he blurts out, "Why? I mean..." I cut him off.
"Dude, she is trying to feed her kids." The woman is still crying and walking out thanking me and
thanking the manager. She blew me a kiss and asked God to bless me.
I thought I was done. I see three lil kids sitting on the bus stop bench, the oldest was 9 or 10.
I told the woman to wait for a minute, I went back into the grocery store and went to the ATM and
I only have 140 available for widthdrawl, plus 12 in my pocket. The manager walks up to me and
asks if everything was OK and I told him that she did have kids at the bus stop. He walks out and
hands me my fifty back. "Tell her I don't want to see her in my store again." He patted me on the
back and I thanked him.
I walked out, she was gone. Couldn't find her, didn't see her anywhere. I jump in my car and drive
around the lot, check the McDonalds (no I didn't order anything) to see if she was there and I
couldn't find her. I checked for about 15 minutes. I almost cried. I prayed that I find her. Drove
around the block, in back of the store, didn't see her.
I come home and I am greeted by the Devil. "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG! I NEED MY TAMPONS!" One of
my masterpieces was Tampons laced with Morphene: http://www.ubersite.com/m/22881 if only they made
those. I crack open my bottle, and pour into a glass with ice. I thanked God. Not for my excess,
but for never allowing me to feel what that woman must have felt. Thank you Jesus that I can
provide for my children.
User Reviews
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-07 12:56:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Change your name to 'Thick Tony' as Loren suggested.
Or is that name already taken by a porn star?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-07 12:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You always say your such a bad ass, but every post of yours I read is about understanding and caring and what not. I'm not saying that they aren't mutually exclusive, I'm just saying maybe you're more sentimental than you think.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-07 12:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tampons with morphine - now that's an idea I can get behind. Have your people call my people, we'll get started on a prototype.
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2005-12-07 12:17:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-12-05 15:15:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2005-12-05 12:31:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-12-05 12:03:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-05 11:59:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-02 20:08:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm totally confused. Fat Tony? Big Tony? Alter? Not?
Made up story?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-05 05:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't get what's so heartwarming.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-05 04:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
True or not, this was a pleasant little tale.
Submitted by Calios (user info) at 2005-12-04 00:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaylo1999 (user info) at 2005-12-03 23:22:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
in the spirit of the season, i sincerely hope thats a true story. dare i say, i was inspiring.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-12-03 22:10:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-12-02 22:20:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-02 20:25:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Merry Christmas Tony.
...and God bless us every one. ;)
This post almost brought me to tears. """
jesus christ, is there ANYTHING that doesn't bring you to tears?
===========================
He would probably laugh at a good puppy stomping
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-12-03 13:11:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, Loren gave me a positive. Amazing.
--------
I always give credit where credit is due. SO put that in your pipe and smoke it.
I have to say though, I'm not very happy about the handle change. There's already one "Big" guy here, and that's Mike.
If you don't want to use "fat" - then why not something a little more creative? Let's see, I'll pay a little visit to the Merriam Webster Thesaurus...
-chubby
-corpulent
-fleshy
-full
-plump
-portly
-pudgy
-roly-poly
-rotund
-tubby
-beefy
-bulky
-chunky
-heavy
-heavyset
-stocky
-stout
-thick
-weighty
-brawny
-burly
-husky
-squat
-paunchy
-potbellied
I think "Thick" is my favorite. "Thick Tony" - yup, works for me on several levels.
I'll be waiting eagerly for the camwhore proof of your weight loss. Maybe Urbane will post a picture of her 85lb. flesh-loss too ;) hahaha!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-03 12:05:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There should be more acts of kindness.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-03 11:55:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
BUT FAT TONY, IF YOU LOST ALOT OF WEIGHT, YOU CAN'T BE A 'BODYBUILDER' ANYMORE
HAHAHAHAHAHAAH
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-12-03 11:49:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's why you never give the hooker cash up front.
Seriously, though, good for you, my man. Merry Christmas.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-12-03 10:27:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good on ya.
Submitted by podium (user info) at 2005-12-03 00:45:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2005-12-03 00:24:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, Loren gave me a positive. Amazing.
I'm no longer "fat". I've dropped serious poundage. Camwhore to follow.
True story, not made up. If I made it up, I would have given her the money.
I am not an alter.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-12-03 00:03:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice job Tony.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-12-02 22:21:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-12-02 20:24:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
I still like you. """
and this one time at obese club
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-12-02 22:20:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-02 20:25:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Merry Christmas Tony.
...and God bless us every one. ;)
This post almost brought me to tears. """
jesus christ, is there ANYTHING that doesn't bring you to tears?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-02 22:00:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He has a heart?
Too bad about the wife thing though. When my sister tries blaming her shitty personality on "hormones" and "PMS" I tell her she's the reason there are misogynists.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-12-02 21:26:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
although this didn't happen I admire the sentiment.
being poor in africa i should imagine is hard but being poor in america is a particularly twisted kind of juxtaposition.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-12-02 21:13:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All that she wants... is another baby. Ahhahah.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-02 20:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Merry Christmas Tony.
...and God bless us every one. ;)
This post almost brought me to tears.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-12-02 20:24:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still like you.
Even though you're now just Big, and not Fat.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-02 20:08:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm totally confused. Fat Tony? Big Tony? Alter? Not?
Made up story?
WTF, it shows the spirit everyone should have all the time,
not only around Christmas.
Submitted by partisan (user info) at 2005-12-02 20:00:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
57525 posts later and you still can't spell morphine.
Tut tut.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-12-02 19:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you bought a cheeseburger, don't lie.
serves you right you fat piece of shit.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-02 19:36:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you understand I don't buy this 'alter' business for a minute.
I swear to god I saw this dude in a bar in hollywood last year
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-02 19:01:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Big Tony, Loren. Apparently he's not fat anymore.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-02 18:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of
my masterpieces was Tampons laced with Morphene: http://www.ubersite.com/m/22881 if only they made
those.
********
Didn't read the link but sounds like good idea. Sweet post.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-12-02 18:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because true or not it's a good sentiment.
There's so many alters around I'm starting to wonder If I'm one.
Except they post cool stuff and make witty replies.
Nope I'm just me.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-12-02 18:17:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Boondock (user info) at 2005-12-02 17:19:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is probably one of the best things I've ever read here. However, I must say that I'm stunned that a good person like yourself would frequent a sewer like this. A saint among sinners.
-------------------------
What a naive sap.
I'm giving a +2 because it's always nice, though extremely rare, to see Fat Tony take off the gangster hat and replace it with the human one.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-12-02 18:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You probably just went crosseyed and spluttered out a few "mamma mias".
Submitted by Dr.Gonzo (user info) at 2005-12-02 17:40:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and plus two for being such a good person.
Submitted by Dr.Gonzo (user info) at 2005-12-02 17:40:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Well,
the wife is on her period so I need to get drunk. I'll be better in 5 to 7 days."
+2 for that gem
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-02 17:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-12-02 17:22:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Boondock (user info) at 2005-12-02 17:19:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is probably one of the best things I've ever read here. However, I must say that I'm stunned that a good person like yourself would frequent a sewer like this. A saint among sinners.
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!
----
made up. but nice.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-12-02 17:22:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Boondock (user info) at 2005-12-02 17:19:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is probably one of the best things I've ever read here. However, I must say that I'm stunned that a good person like yourself would frequent a sewer like this. A saint among sinners.
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2005-12-02 17:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
EEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRT! Back up. I am no saint. That is blasphemy!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-02 17:21:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoever's driving the alter today, can you change the name back to FAT Tony, like it's supposed to be?
Jesus, you fuckin kids, if you are going to take the alter out for a drive, you fill the tank when you put it back in the garage YOU GET ME MISTER
Submitted by Boondock (user info) at 2005-12-02 17:19:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is probably one of the best things I've ever read here. However, I must say that I'm stunned that a good person like yourself would frequent a sewer like this. A saint among sinners.