Premature ejaculation, Impotence, Erectile dysfunction and how I learned to hit whores. (1490 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.75 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MavisMing (View user info) at 2005-12-03 13:26:54 EST
I was always told that school days would be the best days of my life.
Once I was outside of organised educations hallowed halls it was all to be down hill, fun would take second place to work the great leveller.
Or so they said, but for me the actuality of the situation was far removed from that which "They" would have me believe.
For me life stopped being fun when I learned how to wank and to aspire to fuck.
The first time I reached out and touched myself I had to use my free hand to wave goodbye to the carefree days of my youth and usher in about ten years of doubt and fear.
"With great power comes great responsibility."
With my first intrepid self explorations beneath the covers came the dawning realisation that whilst pleasing myself was to be a life long piece of piss, pleasing others would not be the same self abusing walk in the park and if I didn't want to spend the rest of my life scurrying about in the dark with handfuls of my own steadily cooling cum I should get some carnal practice in toot fucking sweet.
Masturbating is very much like taking the theory part of ones driving test.
With enough time and concentration you are going to ace the motherfucker without no doubt but all the revision in the world isn't going to prepare you for the practical.
By the time I was say fifteen, in my head I was the original god of fuck.
I had had them all, the great, the good and the not so great at all.
It would be hard if not impossible to name a female celebrity of the eighties who's shit I had not got mentally all up in at least once in my mental seraglio.
Sufficed to say if I ever meet Katie Puckrick, Oprah Windfrey or Kim Wild I will blush to my boots and worry about impregnating them as we shake hands.
(Even Bet Middler was once a target of my imagined affections.)
I knew no shame.
However, as I have indicated without practice I was never going to be perfect no matter how much imaginary congress I was going to have with the finest cumsluts the decade of greed had to offer.
But how does one practice fucking?
My friends were all boys and I was savvy enough to know even it that early age that I didn't fancy sticking my willy in one of them.
My mum and dad were pretty into each other and I had no sisters so home education was also a no no.
That just left the girls of the town and in all fairness to them I was a tubby cunt from the start of puberty and its doubtful I would have penetrated myself even if an orifice had somehow magically presented itself on my thigh.
Girls don't have this problem as they "mature" so much faster than boys.
This maturity manifests itself in girls in the way they gravitate towards the kinds of guys who hang outside the school gates in shitty cars playing crap house music and reading tabloids.
By hooking up with these parent scaring fucktards the average girl can gain all the sexual experience they will ever need for later life, This consists of being inexpertly fucked by a complete dumbass who isn't me and its something an alarming amount of nice girls still seem to do until this day.
Until a man has successfully brought a female human to climax there are a number of fears that etch themselves into the back of his eyes and stay there in some form or another until his libido jumps ship and he invests in a bag of humbugs and a seat on the grey bus.
(Apparently when you get old the desire to fuck is still there but as no one expects you to there's really no need to bother.)
The fears are as follows.
1. Is it big enough?
The answer to this is no it is not and as size most certainly does matter you had better get busy with that tongue like a fucking snake on x.
2. What if I can't get it up?
This is a bit more complex but on the whole it's an easy one to fathom. If thinking about girls gets the old chap maxin all ridged and ting, then it's a safe bet that some hands on experience will get the same result. Occasionally your shit wont shake but it aint no thang, its like riding a horse with tits, you have get back on if as soon as you fall.
NB. If you have never had an erection then its probably a bit more medical than I care to comment on and you should refer back to the answer for question one only more so.
3. What if I come to quick?
This is the greatest myth of them all, just because the cock monster on the porn you have been watching takes a decade and a half of hard ass banging before decorating the actresses face with jizz doesn't mean you have to do the same.
The main problem half the time is actually managing to come at all, as a previous and much better post once mentioned men have far to much to think about when doing the mrs a favour and forgetting to splurge is a common side effect.
Basically girls love cum and the sooner you splash out on them the happier they are, just make sure that after you pay them their thirty pieces of salty silver you get busy on their front bottom.
Nice guys don't always finish last but they do stand by the tape with a silver blanket and a cup of hot Bovril whilst they wait for the winner of the girl's race.
I digress,
If I had known back then what I know now my life would have been much easier and my hands would have been less sticky.
Eventually my fear of failure and my desire to practice lead me to the door of a professional "frau er dach nicht" or prozzy.
For thirty of my English pounds she agreed to engage me in oral congress and so it was thus that I began my journey on the path of manhood and came to know what it was to be with a woman.
That was until she forced her index finger into my rectum in what I suppose was an over zealous effort to help me towards the finishing line.
Sufficed to say I was surprised and gave her a swift right hook across the chops before I even realised what was happening.
Fortunately she was a good sport about this but as I had managed to loosen a tooth she had to finish me off by hand and as she didn't have dental the whole sorry mess ended up costing me a pretty penny.
I left her dank basement flat relieved and enlightened. The years of fear had not been in vain, sex was as complicated and difficult as I had always imagined but I know knew there was absolutely no way one could ever prepare for what might happen irrespective of how many times one did it.
(The author of this piece went on to penetrate a modest number of women over the following years, some of whom actually seemed to enjoy it.)
User Reviews
Submitted by MisterBadger (user info) at 2006-01-06 06:34:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fat Davros +2.
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The pie challenged coloured lass off of the telly.....probably to buisy mentaly rimming her to spell the name right.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-12-12 18:28:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oprah?!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-12-12 17:39:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ok none of them enjoyed it.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-05 19:24:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
(The author of this piece went on to penetrate a modest number of women over the following years, some of whom actually seemed to enjoy it.)
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SHENANIGANS
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2005-12-05 07:34:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yes that was the point....well done.
Submitted by Cryslynn1 (user info) at 2005-12-05 07:14:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"My mum and dad were pretty into each other and I had no sisters so home education was also a no no."
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Yo, that just makes it sound like you were willing to get with your sister if you would have had one.....ewwwwww.
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2005-12-05 06:40:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Apologies for the link whores but I posted this at the weekend and didnt want it to pass unnoticed.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2005-12-05 05:58:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Linkwhore = -1
Good first post = +2
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2005-12-05 05:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Nice guys don't always finish last but they do stand by the tape with a silver blanket and a cup of hot Bovril whilst they wait for the winner of the girl's race. "
Gold!
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2005-12-05 05:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what?.....etc
Submitted by nate (user info) at 2005-12-05 05:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
linkwhore says what?
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2005-12-05 05:16:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I would never have immagined having to actualy think dirty whilst doing the deed, but there you go.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-12-05 05:09:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always so worried about not lasting long enough that when I first started having casual sex it took about two weeks and probably 12 sex sessions before I was able to come before she said "It's been too long. Get off.".
I still finish later than my girls but I'm finding as I become more confident I'm finishing sooner and will probably in due course (like most men i've heard) finish before the womenfolk... *sigh*
Submitted by Pelvis_Man (user info) at 2005-12-04 23:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All men are capable of rectal stimulation, no matter the sexual preference. In basic english, everybody enjoys a finger, so don't be ashamed.
Submitted by Call911 (user info) at 2005-12-04 08:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
quite funny
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-04 08:32:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Draqus (user info) at 2005-12-04 08:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2005-12-04 05:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yes well thats as maybe.
Submitted by boy (user info) at 2005-12-04 02:53:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ahahahahahah you suck!
go learning grammer
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-12-04 02:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-12-04 02:10:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-12-03 15:42:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason this post reminds me of pre-5000 users uber.
______________
Yeh it has teh old school vibe.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-03 23:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, Marge, as long as we're traumatizing the kids, I have a scandalous
story of my own.
-- Homer Simpson
Another Simpsons Clip Show
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-12-03 15:42:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason this post reminds me of pre-5000 users uber.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-03 14:37:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no fucking way am i reading anything right now.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-12-03 14:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-12-03 14:29:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
he he, you had a hooker finger up yer bum.
Submitted by Doberish (user info) at 2005-12-03 14:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Moderate.
I love masturbation too much to give this a neg.