14/f/ca/lonely/horney (649 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: -0.84 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <earsplitband.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-12-04 01:52:44 EST
I was once having a conversation with Jesus and our girlfriends and Razor's house, and an interesting subject came up. (And yes, I purposely included the name of an uberuser guru in a pale attempt to gain popularity) Anyway, someone asked, "Why are guys so quiet in bed." And while this is by no means true for all guys, here is my answer.
Guys are quiet in bed because we are too busy thinking. You heard me right. Thinking. Deep thoughts. You see, it seems to generally the guy's job, (at least in my experience) to make the girl feel as good as possible and have sweet, sweet orgasms. The girl, on the other hand, is generally content to just lay back and see what I've got to offer. Again, I can't speak for anyone else, this is just in my personal experience.
Not only am I thinking during sex, I am multi-tasking. My neuro-net processor of a brain is pounding algorithms as fast as my penis is pounding pussy.
Just what is going through my head during sex? Like the moon, this is a frontier so far journeyed only by man. But here is a small window of what goes on in my head during sex:
"Alright, time for some action"
"I hope I don't fuck up this time"
"Is that the right hole?"
"Oh wait, there it is"
"All right, lets start out slow"
It isn't long before my thoughts turn into a quiet panic.
BRAIN: "Damn, she just moved."
BRAIN: "Did I do something right, or did I hurt her"
<soft moaning starts>
BRAIN: "She's making noises!"
BRAIN: "Pain noises or pleasure noises?"
BRAIN: "Let try stepping up the pace a little"
<increased moaning"
BRAIN: "More noises, I pretty sure that's pleasure now"
BRAIN: "Oh yeah, she's starting to flush, I like that"
BRAIN: "Lets try changing the angle a bit"
.............................
BRAIN: "Nope, didn't like that"
<Moans quieting>
BRAIN: "Damn, what was I doing before?"
BRAIN: "Fuck it, lets try a different position"
WOMAN: "OUCH!"
BRAIN: "Yeah....that one was definitely pain>
WOMAN: "What are you doing?"
BRAIN: "Mayday! Mayday!"
BRAIN: "Decrease Velocity!"
BRAIN: "Open flaps"
BRAIN: "Landing gear engaged"
BRAIN: "Disengage primary thrusters"
BRAIN: "Systems check"
ME: "You allright?"
WOMAN: "Uh....Yeah"
BRAIN: "No system damage"
ME: "Allright, lets try this again"
—five minutes later....computer pretty much takes over—
BRAIN: "Allright, back on track"
<Moans increasing in volume and frequency>
BRAIN: "Target in sight, hold position"
<Full body blush commencing>
BRAIN: "C'mon.......C'mon"
<Back arching>
BRAIN: "Hold it......Hold it....."
COMPUTER: WARNING! WARNING!
COMPUTER: ERR-ERR-ERR
BRAIN: "Oh shit"
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD IMMINENT
BRAIN: "Oh shit, not yet!"
<Moaning above 80 decibals>
BRAIN: "Just a little longer"
COMPUTER: DANGER HULL INTEGRITY
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD COMMENCING
BRAIN: "FUCK! I'm not going to make it"
BRAIN: "Pull out and prepare for manual override"
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD __________
BRAIN: "Pull out, pull out"
COMPUTER: AUTO PILOT ENGAGED
BRAIN: "NO! UNENGAGE! UNENGAGE!"
COMPUTER: TARGET LOCKED....TARGET LOCKED
BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?"
BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?"
BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?"
COMPUTER: <Target heart rate reached>
COMPUTER: <Breathing nominal>
BRAIN: "Must....hold....on"
COMPUTER: <FEMALE ORGASM COMMENCING>
BRAIN: "can't.....hold it"
COMPUTER: <FEMALE ORGASM COMMENCING>
BRAIN: "Its out of my control, its in God's hands now"
COMPUTER: "PRIMARY VALVE: EJACULATING"
<keeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrr SPLAT!>
COMPUTER: "AUTOMATIC SYSTEM SHUT DOWN: COMMENCING"
<THUD>
WOMAN: "Honey, are you alright?"
ME: Yeah.....my head hurts...."
WOMAN: "Sorry" <blush>
ME: No, the other head"
WOMAN: "What?"
ME: Nothing"
ME: Did you cum"
WOMAN: "What, you didn't notice"
ME: Actually, I was kinda too busy to notice"
WOMAN: "You're so weird"
ME: You should try being the pilot next time"
WOMAN: "Get off me, I need to pee"
Do you ever find that pre-orgasm expression on a guys face funny?
Ever wonder what he's feeling"
Its not pain
Its not pleasure
It is deep, hard, seething thought.
[moneyshot.jpg (120 kB)]
YES!
User Reviews
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-12-04 02:33:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah.. Bickerstaff's mine. Thanks.
...
..
.
..
. oh who am I kidding.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-04 02:11:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hey, bickerstaff is a great alter.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-12-04 02:02:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's an annoying paradox.
Most authors who are talented enough to make an engaging and believable alter don't need to, because their primary account gets them enough credit as it is.
The result is that the alters come from mediocre authors, probably around the 15000k mark who aren't succeeding on this site and try the alter as a way to get attention, albeit negative.
Due to this situatiom, the vast majority of alters rehash old ways of infuriatig authors to get heat. As most decent contributors have responded to these methods numerous times before, the plan fails anyway.
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-12-04 01:57:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why even have all these alters and post really REALLY bad stuff anyways?
Really, why clutter up ubersite with the same fucking shit over and over? It is a joke done a hundred fucking times. Why?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-04 01:54:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this looks sooooo familiar...
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-12-04 01:54:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
wtf?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/17812
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-12-04 01:54:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wait... wasn't this written here on Uber? You fucking plagiarized the site you're posting on?
Holy crap, that deserves a +2... you've got balls.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-12-04 01:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The post was good but the picture was just creepy... And the fact that you plagiarized the post and fucked up the picture. But besides that it was good.
Let's start putting thought into our alters, people! Christ.
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-12-04 01:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
eat dick and die
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-12-04 01:53:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
PLAGIARISM!
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-12-04 01:53:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK YOU!