Letter to Air Miles (633 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.12 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <subtastic> (View user info) at 2005-12-04 12:09:34 EST
AIR MILES Service Centre
P.O. Box 602, Station A,
Scarborough, Ontario
M1K 5K7
November 1, 2005
Dear Customer Service Person,
Enclosed you will find two reward certificates for ROOTS. You will notice they are expired. In fact they are very expired. By almost three years. At the time when I tried to redeem them, they were only a little bit expired... maybe 3 or 4 months expired. I did not expect that they would have an expiry date.
Since then they have been hanging on my refrigerator.
Each morning I look at them with melancholy and I ask myself why... Why does my gift have an expiry date? Aren't these items mine to keep and enjoy as I please? My reward for diligently participating in the AIR MILES program? Do I not deserve this small material gratitude in exchange for my loyalty?
By mid day, feelings of disillusionment begin to cloud my soul. I am wounded. I am emotionally broken. The burden of anomie and despair shroud me like a dark heavy cloak. I have been standing here for hours, staring at my expired certificates, searching for an answer. My legs are weak. My vision tunnelled. I grip the counter to steady myself, and fear I will lose consciousness.
As darkness falls I become slowly and maniacally intoxicated. My confusion turns to rage. I furiously pound the refrigerator with my fists. Why! I kick and punch. I scream. Why! My chest is heaving. My heart is pounding. I can taste blood in my mouth. I laugh hysterically as tears stream down my face. I drop to my knees and wail like a wild animal. My body is electrified, possessed. I thrash about in spasms of anguish and brutality. Downstairs my Vietnamese neighbours are spearing the ceiling with a broomstick. They do not understand my torture... the intense malaise that threatens my sanity.
Near midnight I collapse in a crumpled heap. The horror confronts me. There are no answers. My reward certificates are expired and I am defeated. I weep uncontrollably in remorse of forgone sweatpants and other opportunities lost, until weariness overcomes me and I drift into troubled sleep on the kitchen floor.
Inside the refrigerator my violence has knocked over the orange juice. If morning ever comes, I will wake up and do this again... But I will go thirsty.
I'm running out of space here. Could you please replace these certificates with the non-expired variety so that I may enjoy the fruits of my labour?
Thank you in advance.
Regards,
User Reviews
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2005-12-09 10:45:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've worked in customer service, i used to receive letters like this all the time.
Usually addressed to "The Mangar"
I've yet to meet this mythical beast.
Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2005-12-05 00:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
moron
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-12-05 00:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-12-04 17:21:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
first post that didnt involve the words "First post" in the title
not an obvious alter, if at all
well written and amusing.
Ill +2 you, well done
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-12-04 15:09:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it. Air Miles has left a void in my soul as well.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-04 14:49:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, I laughed. I don't know why, but something about this was amusing. You also get points for being mostly coherent on a first post. So, here's a +2.
Submitted by Sparxicus (user info) at 2005-12-04 14:09:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad for a first post.
Submitted by Dr.Gonzo (user info) at 2005-12-04 13:51:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
If you actually sent it and it works, I will give you a +2
Submitted by Cryslynn1 (user info) at 2005-12-04 13:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
no.