His name was Jerrall and he gave us candy (868 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.72 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Weedy (View user info) at 2005-12-05 09:25:25 EST
When I was in middle school and I thought I was clever I would tell girls: "Congrats! I picked you to go to the dance with me, okay?"
That's probably going to work about as well as me telling you people that your lucky because I decided to post something on Ubersite. Still I did get jacked off behind a pine tree at one of those dances so maybe someone here will like me as much as that janitor.
So I work at this job, right? I dunno if you've heard of these things but they suck monkey balls. A job is like this room with these people all on computers. I let them do the work and I just fuck around on the net. Sometimes I laugh out loud at something I read on Ubersite and everyone suddenly wants to hear the funny joke.
"Lets all hear the funny joke Weedy!"
I lie to them and tell them it was something my dog did last night. They know that I've found some way to cheat the agony. Juss a lil' bit.
Here's some stuff at work that Weedy don't like:
Shitting at work makes me goddamn nervous. That is supposed to be an enjoyable experience that someone is paying you to do. But the women's bathroom is right across from the men's and every time that door opens or closes the draft sucks my door off it's burley titanium hinges. Why do women pee so much? I only shit 4 times a day, but every time, some lady goes to pee and the door with the shitty lock pops open and its revealed that I crap with my legs crossed.
Eww. Weird.
*phone rings*
.....
*phone rings again because I don't like to answer it*
"J. J. Binks, This is Weedy. How may I help you.?"
"Weedy, this is Mr. Binks in the Boston office. We show that something you are running on your computer is, ahh, slowing the entire system down."
"You can see what's on my computer?"
"Sort of."
"Sorry about that. I was putting an emo video on my Myspace profile and like a glitter background or something cool. Can you see it?"
"No. Let's just agree to stop doing that and see if it works."
"Okiee dokie. Bye."
Now I'm paranoid that there is someone in Boston knows that I have a link on my desktop that goes directly to www.lemonparty.org
It sucks bad when I have to puke quietly in the bathroom after staying up drinking until I had to be at work in like 4 hours. Once I drove to Subway and puked in their parking lot for my whole lunch break. I knew it was going to be loud and wretched and thought it best not to do it at my place of employment, but rather in front of a large glass window behind which many people were eating.
But I'm an optimist. If I was raped I would be totally flattered that I was chosen. Nobody rapes ugly people. What's the point? Here's some stuff at work that Weedy do like:
I heard two bitches agree that Scooter Libby is a really good NASCAR driver. That shit is funny. My favorite NASCAR driver?....Dick Trickle.
I also get to hear about the domestic dispute that occurred at their homes last night or at the homes of their relatives. READ: Methamphetamines.
Its weird but I get these random boners at work. Like I'm back in middle school. I guess it's the milfs and the boredom. Its pretty funny, I hide under my desk while some hot office lady talks to me two feet away. If I had another foot on my hard on I could swivel my chair around and slap her leg with it. Right in the pantsuit!
Once at the urinal I was thinking about trimming my pubes and suddenly I piss in all kinda crazy directions for no reason and I got pee on my pants leg. I was wearing khakis and it was just a little pee but still very visible. I went with it just for the humor. I was all like, "Yea that's pee."
So if you liked that then good. Cause Ubersite, we are going to some more dances, and if we are lucky, one of us is sure to get hand-molested behind a pine tree.
User Reviews
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-07-31 01:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by alliecat (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh my GOD!!!!!! You probably should've given warning about lemonparty.org!!!! Holy shit! I'm a work! That was fucking sick! I'm so scarred for life!!!! I don't think I'll ever be the same again! I sent to a gay co-worker's gmail account! I can't wait to get a response! GROSS!!!!!!!!!
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Are you serious? Lemonparty is like... as old as fucking tubgirl lmao.... go google some images of Tubgirl dude. Since it seems you're new 2 teh intarwebz
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-07-31 00:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lmao fucking funny.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-07-31 00:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-11 12:11:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear Weedy,
You suck.
with much anal sex,
simple_catalyst.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-12-14 13:25:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:48:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn, this was great.
"So I work at this job, right? I dunno if you've heard of these things but they suck monkey balls"
hahahahhahaa
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:39:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But I'm an optimist. If I was raped I would be totally flattered that I was chosen. Nobody rapes ugly people.
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yeah, me too.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by alliecat (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh my GOD!!!!!! You probably should've given warning about lemonparty.org!!!! Holy shit! I'm a work! That was fucking sick! I'm so scarred for life!!!! I don't think I'll ever be the same again! I sent to a gay co-worker's gmail account! I can't wait to get a response! GROSS!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-12-05 19:16:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-05 10:33:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than average 1st post.
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True dat. Nervous pooping? http://www.poopreport.com
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-05 18:11:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-05 12:37:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-05 10:33:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than average 1st post.
Submitted by toni_tori (user info) at 2005-12-05 16:14:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am in awe of you, sir.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-12-05 16:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What the fuck?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-05 16:03:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
legs crossed? That is an enormously entertaining mental picture. Are they stretched out in front of you Lazy Boy recliner style, or do you just have an ankle casually perched atop the other legs knee? I don't really want to know. Either way is just...odd.
Go away. Your wackiness has made me feel strange in my brain and my tummy.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-12-05 15:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
WOW... you will probably make it.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-05 12:37:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-05 10:33:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than average 1st post.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-05 11:48:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
posh.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-12-05 10:36:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-05 10:33:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than average 1st post.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-05 10:21:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shitting at work makes me goddamn nervous. That is supposed to be an enjoyable experience that someone is paying you to do. But the women's bathroom is right across from the men's and every time that door opens or closes the draft sucks my door off it's burley titanium hinges. Why do women pee so much? I only shit 4 times a day, but every time, some lady goes to pee and the door with the shitty lock pops open and its revealed that I crap with my legs crossed.
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This is some good shit.
It's random, but not in a tiresome way.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-05 10:03:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bless you my child.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-12-05 09:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great first post.
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-12-05 09:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<chuckle>
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-05 09:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Thats pretty good.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-12-05 09:36:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-05 09:30:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is pretty funny.