It's a prank war damnit! (I need your help) (1244 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.41 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CHR15 (View user info) at 2005-12-06 05:27:11 EST
t's a normal wednesday night in my house, Katy, Cheryl, Fatboy and I are getting high and basically talking utter nonsense. Dave has decided to go out for a few drinks with some friends from work.
As the night pressed on I found myself on my own as everyone else had gone to bed. What to do? What to do? I decided I would see if I could find any good porn and give my chicken a choke when Dave staggered through the door and crashed out on the sofa. Ok, so I put the masturbation on hold and ask him how his night was.
He barely managed to answer me coherently, before he passed out. Hmmm... I can't let this opportunity to play some kind of prank go. Being highly intoxicated myself, my creativity was slightly hindered, so I went with the good old permanent marker.
I wrote cock on each of his hands and drew a large phallus on his wrist, (I pride myself on my immaturity) knowing full well he had to be in work the next morning. I went to work early the next morning to get some overtime in and so did not see Dave.
I receive a call from Tim who works with Dave, saying that he had been fired as he had turned up late and had still not managed to remove all of the profanities from his person. This seemed fairly plausible as Tim is not known for his lying abilities and Dave is constantly teetering over the pit of unemployment due to his tendency to make life difficult for all of his superiors.
Naturally I was shocked and I felt a strange new emotion you normal people call "guilt". Funny I've never had a conscience before - I recorded myself giving an ex girlfriend's anal passage a good clean out with my peener and have used it a couple of times as blackmail. What?
I called Dave and verified the story, then called the rest of my housemates to let them know what had happened. Boy I felt so bad I was dreading going home, I even bought him some cigarettes as a peace offering.
I walked in, sat down, apologised to Dave and offered him the cigarettes. He told me he could not accept them as it was all an elaborate prank that everyone was involved in... they all laughed in my face.
Now, I need some kind of payback, I thought about somehow arranging to put a live cow in his bedroom (he is mortally fearful of cows, one mooed at him some time ago and he ran for his life for about half a mile) but I have come to the conclusion that even if I managed to find someone cool enough to loan me a cow it would be quite difficult to get it up the stairs.
So I need some suggestions please, as nasty as you like, the cunt deserves it
User Reviews
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-10-19 14:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
because truth is better than fiction.
4/5
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-28 09:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just in case anyone is cool enough to lend you the cow, it'll walk up stairs pretty easy, it'll just be hard as hell to get down. Cows don't like down.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2006-02-17 04:02:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Boy I felt so bad I was dreading going home"
did anyone else hear the voice of Butters Stoch?
Submitted by claymation_dude (user info) at 2006-02-17 03:49:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I went to Brazil before I got fired Jon.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-16 13:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Brazil my ass, you got fired, dude
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:15:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha! I'll let you know how it goes in the new year, I'm not getting him back until I'm back from Brazil.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-09 10:26:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you wrote this post a few days ago-
now i'm wondering how it went.
let us know.
Submitted by LilBastard (user info) at 2005-12-08 00:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
- Fill the air vents in his car with black toner powder from a photocopy machine, point them toward the driver's seat and set the fan dial to HIGH. Poof! Instant Al Jolson.
- Pick up an old food processor at a yard sale and gather as much poison ivy as you can find. Liquify the leaves, pour into a spray bottle then go to town on his car, bedroom, clothes, etc.
- Find a some photos of a pair of eyes in a magazine or color newspaper, the spookier the better, cut them out and mail them to him with no return address, no letter, no explanation. Not the whole face; just the EYES. Repeat the process for a few days then stop. A week later send one or two to his work (if he gets mail there). Send one to his parents' address, then his girlfriend. Then leave one on his car with the message (NOT handwritten) PEEK-A-BOO! Sounds a bit lame but trust me, it'll drive him nuts if you do it right.
- Take a few cigarettes out of his pack when he's asleep and put two drops of engine oil into the tobacco end. First he'll wonder why the smoke is blue, then he'll wonder why his chest burns.
Submitted by NewGuy08 (user info) at 2005-12-07 17:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's what I would do. I would, in the middle of the night, dress up as a farmer, and go to the nearest ranch. From there I would sneak up on the cows, real quiet like. I would put them all on my truck, then I would take them back to your friend and release them in the house. Then I would call his cell phone, and say "MOO MOO MOO" several times.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always been a big fan of de-essembling someones car, then re-essembling it inside a mall.
Lots of work but think of the fun
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2005-12-06 15:41:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I wish I were creative enough to come up with something.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-12-06 13:58:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
photograph yourself cleaning the aforementioned blackmailed girlfriend's ass out with his toothbrush.
Mail the picture to him at work.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 13:55:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-06 13:45:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm to help you do what?
Can I sign a waiver or something
======================================
No waivers, you're either in or your're out. If you're out I will have to kill you.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2005-12-06 13:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can lead a cow up stairs, but they CANNOT go down stairs. They physically can't do it.
We had someone bring a cow onto the 3rd floor of our dorm, and they had to tranquilize him and carry/drag him out.
But if you had an elevator, then DO IT!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-06 13:45:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm to help you do what?
Can I sign a waiver or something
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-06 13:39:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The next time he comes home and passes out(only a matter of time) change all the clocks. Forward will make him late for work. Back will make him early.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Funny I've never had a conscience before - I recorded myself giving an ex girlfriend's anal passage a good clean out with my peener and have used it a couple of times as blackmail. What?"
gold.
oh and bovine demon...
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:42:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:07:01 (#)
Ranking: 1
Near Blacksburg, VA.
I have to go get some work done, but I'll be back around 1:00pm.
=========================
That's too far for a cow..
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:07:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Near Blacksburg, VA.
I have to go get some work done, but I'll be back around 1:00pm.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:17:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
SilvrWolf where are you located?
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:11:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have a 700-lb. steer going to uh, "processing" in two weeks, available for all manner of pranky fun. Getting him up some stairs isn't the problem, getting him back down could be. How you get him to your location (and back to me, for I needs my steaks) is on you, though.
His name is "T-bone" and I don't think he realizes his nuts were banded off long ago. He has a rather intimidating, guttural bawl that would be sure to help your cause.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:10:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
only emotionally
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Spam, are most of your friends now horribly difigured in some way?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick hm in the bollocks
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:05:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
dip his razor in bleech so when he shaves it burns like a motherfucker
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sprinkle sit loads of parmesan (sp?) cheese underneath the insole of his shoes. By midmorning his feet'll fucking hum and nobody'll talk to him.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
make him late one morning (fuck with his car or something), and then get a lady friend (assuming yu have one) to call into his office pretending to be his missus. Get her to explain to his boss that he's gonna be late because he's been having trouble peeing and needs to go to the GUM clinic. When he finally does turn up to work and says "sorry, car trouble" his boss will assume he's just embarrassed about the whole ordeal and won't mention. within two weeks everybody in his office will believe that he has gonorrhea and he'll be none the wiser.
tried and tested.
Submitted by toni_tori (user info) at 2005-12-06 09:35:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nail his stuff to the ceiling.
Hide the ladder.
Then, pull his spark plugs.
Tried and true, my friend.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 09:25:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:39:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
nice work.
are you chris evans?
=============================
Nope, I'm not ginger.
Shlongy, thankyou for your unwavering reviews telling me to kill myself.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:39:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice work.
are you chris evans?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Here's one.
Pretend that you're so overcome with guilt that you kill yourself.
Only, use real bullets.
Buahauahauahauahahahaaaa...You'll get THEM back.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:31:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Get a recording of a cow mooing on tape or CD. Then, if he has a large stereo system in his room, play the recording at 3AM full blast while he's asleep. Guaranteed pants-shitter.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:20:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:08:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:04:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
We prefere to be reffered as 'persons of alternate mental capacity'.
=
Spacca.
Is that what they say in Brum?
--------
Usually they just whisper to one another and then give me sweets. I don't like it to be honest, they watch while I eat. Then they give me more sweets and just watching me eat. It makes me nervous so I usually start crying, then they grin at me and walk off.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:08:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:04:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
We prefere to be reffered as 'persons of alternate mental capacity'.
=
Spacca.
Is that what they say in Brum?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We prefere to be reffered as 'persons of alternate mental capacity'.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 07:46:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I believe they only give rape alarms out to vunerable women and the mentally handicapped, which are you Berty?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 07:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 07:09:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahahaha! I knew the replies to this would make me laugh!
Crap in his shoes!
-----------------------
This 'War' will inevitably lead to rape. Accept it or you may not be able to get yours in first. At the very least you should buy all the females you know a rape alarm just in case. That's one each, not one between all of them you cheapskate.
Not that you have to pay for rape alarms, the government gives them out free. I'm wearing mine right now.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 07:09:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahahaha! I knew the replies to this would make me laugh!
Crap in his shoes!
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Crap in his shoes.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:26:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Does he have pets? Working on previous reviews - viagra + pet = amusement?
How many viagras do you have to give to a dog before they explode?
Glue aforementioned horny dog to the ceiling.
Next to the dead cat.
-----------------
I laughed at that.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:26:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Does he have pets? Working on previous reviews - viagra + pet = amusement?
How many viagras do you have to give to a dog before they explode?
Glue aforementioned horny dog to the ceiling.
Next to the dead cat.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:17:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When he invites his girly over, spike his tea with viagra.
Doesn't sound so bad does it? Well, he'll think differently when he and his girlfriend can't walk properly the following day as they've rubbed his foreskin off trying to satisfy him.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
uncomfort?
Holy fuck, I need a holiday.
*Discomfort
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hide some prawn shells somewhere in his bedroom or kitchen. After 3 or 4 days, those babies will stink out his entire house/flat, causing him untold frustration and uncomfort.
Be careful to hide them really well or he'll find them before they smell too bad, and the prank won't work.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're all some really sick people!
I like the dead cat glued to the ceiling idea.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 05:52:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Dead things. Dead things in his bed. A dead stray cat or similar. Or glue it to his ceiling.
Or, rohypnol - and then it's really up to you.
And that bloke you sold him to from the gay bar.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-12-06 05:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Stick your dick in his ear.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 05:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rape his girlfriend then, or his sister, or his mum. Whatever. It'll prove you're a big man.
It'll also let him know that he isn't a real man because he can't protect the people he cares about. Then break his back; then they'll know that you can get to him but he can't get to you.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 05:36:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry - *Then I went wild and partied until dawn!
Berty I'm not immature, you poobumwillyskinner
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-06 05:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Murder them in their beds.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 05:30:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For fucks sake, just stab him in the face with a kitchen knife and be done with it.
Seriously, the whole notion of a 'prank war' is just bullshit between two guys too immature to get on and too pussified to have a fist fight.
I'm very tired today and that is clouding my judgement and mood so I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt.