Whose arm is that? (2360 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.83 on 84 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Redskieslookfake (View user info) at 2005-12-06 05:33:06 EST
Occasionally (though less and less now that I've got older), I like to get drunk. The actual getting drunk is fine, and even the hangover is a grim reminder that you had fun. What bugs me however is the memory blanks I seem to get near the end of the night, and the occasional drunken wake up where I combine alcohol with major paranoia.
I don't know what it is about having a bad night's sleep due to poisoning, waking at some ungodly hour because your bladder has been abused with several varieties of British beer, with my face stuck to my pillow with *something* - but it really brings out the raw terror in me.
I while ago I woke up to find myself fairly cold and uncomfortable. Half my covers were lying on the floor, but as I slowly cracked open one eyelid the thing that bothered me most was the cold, hairy arm resting across my chest. I looked at it for a while rewinding through my mind. I reached out with my arm and gently touched the arm. Dead. Cold. Lifeless. Hairy.
I was still lying on my side looking at my wallpaper, but my mind was now beginning to wake up. I certainly didn't remember changing my sexuality and bringing a bloke home with me, never the less, there was an arm. And if it was a woman's, then it seemed even more of a catastrophe that I would bring home such a hairy one.
I couldn't hear the heavy grunting of the hypothetical hirsute woman, or the snoring of lucky bloke. As I again reached out disbelieving towards the cold, dead arm the next paranoid thought shuffled into position. Had I brought a bloke home, then in self loathing killed him, then put his arm around me in order to present an effective alibi next day?
At this point I decided that panic would be the best thing, I frantically kicked out, booting the wall next to my bed, and flinging my arms wildly to get myself the hell out of there. It was at this point that I realised I seemingly only had one working arm.
As the impact of kicking the wall flung me to the floor I lay on my back, entangled in bed covers gazing at my slightly blue left arm, while my right arm throbbed from where I had punched the headboard.
If you sleep on your arm in a drunken slumber, and then roll over and think it is a stranger's, you are still drunk.
Another time I woke up to the sound of a car backfiring still wearing much of last night's clothes. I was still wearing a shirt and a pair of boxers covered in bits of kebab. I looked down at my boxers and saw something unsettling. My cock and sack were hanging out. This was not so unsettling. What was unsettling was that I only had one testicle.
I blearily looked at my package trying to work out what was going on. I reached down tentatively. Penis - intact. Excellent. Right Bollock - intact. Excellent. Left bullock. Missing presumed... Presumed what? FUCKING DISSOLVED? Had my body reabsorbed it after all these years? Had it retracted (bringing the horrible thought of surgery to cause it to return to its natural danglage?)
I closed my eyes, fighting nausea and nad panic. I reached down again, still with my eyes closed and counted slowly. Big Jim. Intact. The Twins? Shit. Shit Shit. Where is my left testicle?
I leapt out of bed and started to panic. My left fun ball slowly slid out from inside the boxers to resume its correct position, a painful twist was undone and my package was again intact.
Now this I can put down to drunken idiocy and a bizarre underpants accident.
But why did I then start phoning everyone I know to inform them that I had lost a bullock but "it's alright, I got it back."
Beer injuries worry me too.
Those little scratches, cuts and bruises that you can't quite remember how you got them. I've had my fair share of beer injuries, a slightly wobbly tooth and cut right knuckle from where I'd told a Canadian exactly what I thought of his football team. Marc Burchill? Ho ho.
This time however I woke up to find some interesting lacerations.
To be precise, accurate slice marks running from under my rib cage exactly parallel with the lowest rib, approximately 4mm in depth, meeting at the front, to then run up the xyphoid process (the middle bit - apologies if that's wrong) to the height of about my arms.
I looked at my injuries in amazement. I had been sliced with surgical precision.
5 minutes later my flatmates were roused by the sound of screaming rage.
WHICH ONE OF YOU BASTARDS HAS STOLEN MY KIDNEYS?!!??
Naked Red running around kicking people's doors screaming for organ justice is not a pleasant sight in the morning.
I eventually sobered up enough to realise it was probably the edge of a table or similar which I'd lent against and inadvertently given myself such interesting cut marks. But the raw rage and terror as I tried to work out how best to steal kidneys from my flatmates, and the brief analysis I did as to which one would provide the most suitable kidneys (again, I am truly sorry Mike - take it as a compliment that it would be *your* kidneys that I would covet most highly.)
Since then I've not had the terror of those nights, but the horror of those incidents has reduced my urge to consume such quantities of alcohol.. Until the next time...
User Reviews
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seems I'm dealing you good reviews today. Laughed my ass off, nice one!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-06-30 16:24:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Missing presumed... Presumed what? FUCKING DISSOLVED?"
You're amusing.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-06-30 16:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-04 10:46:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the funniest thing i have read on uber in ages.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-15 01:21:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But why did I then start phoning everyone I know to inform them that I had lost a bullock but "it's alright, I got it back."
------
This line brought tears to my eyes.
I should do one of these. I've got lots of drunk stories, as you might imagine.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-10 16:16:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Will read later. Here's for being nice.
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2006-11-28 02:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great post
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-28 00:42:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAH
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-24 08:56:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-10 10:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by angel_2k01 (user info) at 2006-04-10 10:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha! i always end up with a bruse near my thumb. every time i get drunk. i dont get it.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:41:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But why did I then start phoning everyone I know to inform them that I had lost a bullock but "it's alright, I got it back."
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Gold.
My arms go numb a lot in my sleep, but it's not the arm I'm sleeping on at the time, so it's even more odd. I've woken up a few times wondering whose hand is perfectly placed in between my thighs. It's almost always mine.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-08 08:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I lost a bollock but got it back cracked me up.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-23 06:27:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I made a post but it's terrible.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-23 06:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There I read it. I want to buy you a beer or 19.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-17 08:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-09 10:23:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-08 17:05:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2005-12-08 17:03:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ive been thinking your a girl since forever.
Must be the ghey name.
---
You're not wrong. I was stuck for a name, looked out of the window and saw a shitty red sky and thought 'ahh'
---------------------------
everyone thinks i'm a boy.
blah.
---
It's the sword Ghola.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-09 10:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-08 17:05:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2005-12-08 17:03:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ive been thinking your a girl since forever.
Must be the ghey name.
---
You're not wrong. I was stuck for a name, looked out of the window and saw a shitty red sky and thought 'ahh'
---------------------------
everyone thinks i'm a boy.
blah.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-08 17:05:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2005-12-08 17:03:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ive been thinking your a girl since forever.
Must be the ghey name.
---
You're not wrong. I was stuck for a name, looked out of the window and saw a shitty red sky and thought 'ahh'
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2005-12-08 17:03:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ive been thinking your a girl since forever.
Must be the ghey name.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-08 16:57:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/16403
aaah
Yeah - this was really really shit. Sorry about that Seb.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-08 16:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-12-08 15:13:37 (#)
Ranking: -2
When you say you like getting drunk, do you mean your mother's a tramp?
At least -2 me for a proper reason, cock.
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What did i rate of yours that was shit enough for a -2? I've just looked and i can't see where i've rated you.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-12-08 15:13:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
When you say you like getting drunk, do you mean your mother's a tramp?
At least -2 me for a proper reason, cock.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-08 10:24:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've done that when I was sober too... only it was my foot, but I thought my toes were fingers. I thought my finger toes were my sisters hand and I walloped them - hard. It hurt a lot and I learned some kind of lesson...
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-12-07 17:39:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"If you sleep on your arm in a drunken slumber, and then roll over and think it is a stranger's, you are still drunk."
The sad thing is, I've done that when sober.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-07 17:39:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-12-07 17:36:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:02:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Bizarrly I have never visited a London Uni. None of my mates where rich enough to go. What are they like?
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Impersonal, and full of incredibly stupid intellectuals, and foreigners.
I went to UCL (just down the road from Ubercon pub). The best bit about it was the number of Union bars.
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Don't spend a lot of time in Big Smoke. Newcastle is fantastic though. Come up and see it sometime. Very beautiful city actually.
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-12-07 17:36:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:02:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Bizarrly I have never visited a London Uni. None of my mates where rich enough to go. What are they like?
------------
Impersonal, and full of incredibly stupid intellectuals, and foreigners.
I went to UCL (just down the road from Ubercon pub). The best bit about it was the number of Union bars.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-12-07 17:26:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where is my left testicle?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-07 17:16:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-07 16:17:02 (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish you had a new post I could -2.
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Aww Shlongy. That's quite romantic!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-07 16:17:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish you had a new post I could -2.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-07 04:52:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-06 19:09:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have gone back to bed, whipped your wang out, and given yourself little bit of "the Stranger."
Arm/hand that's asleep + hard mule tells your mind that someone else is tuggin' your chain.
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Yes indeed. I didn't think it through O, it would have been the perfect post 'shit, I think I slept with a man' antidote.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-12-07 01:40:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LamRoKi (user info) at 2005-12-07 00:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-12-07 00:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh so freakin' hard.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-06 19:09:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have gone back to bed, whipped your wang out, and given yourself little bit of "the Stranger."
Arm/hand that's asleep + hard mule tells your mind that someone else is tuggin' your chain.
Submitted by BananaPhone (user info) at 2005-12-06 18:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant. I did the arm thing once too. Woke up with it under me and tried to throw it off the bed.
I ended up falling off the bed...
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-12-06 18:35:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-06 13:28:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
"If you sleep on your arm in a drunken slumber, and then roll over and think it is a stranger's, you are still drunk"
Awesome.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 18:13:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-12-06 15:58:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
But why did I then start phoning everyone I know to inform them that I had lost a bullock but "it's alright, I got it back."
This post made me regret my physical inability to become properly inebriated. Being a naturally responsible goddamn person sucks donkey cock.
---
To be honest - each of these instances scared the fuck out of me.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-12-06 15:58:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But why did I then start phoning everyone I know to inform them that I had lost a bullock but "it's alright, I got it back."
This post made me regret my physical inability to become properly inebriated. Being a naturally responsible goddamn person sucks donkey cock.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-06 13:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"If you sleep on your arm in a drunken slumber, and then roll over and think it is a stranger's, you are still drunk"
Awesome.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bwahahaha!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:24:15 (#)
Ranking: 1
Xmas carols blow.
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You are indeed correct. But you can throw icy water on carollers. Sometimes they die of hypothermia. The old and the young anyhow.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:24:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Xmas carols blow.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:22:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Brings back memories.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:49:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:02:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I never went to Uni, I am ignorant.
My mum went to Durham uni as well you know, she loves the place. My grandfather shut down a factory there too. An old steelworks. Apparently during the winter, the snow all around the hill it was on would be pink.
I didn't like the place though. When I was visiting there I caught Durham plauge.
Cambridge is nice though. York has some pretty girls. Nottingham is too busy for my liking. I like Oxford better than Cambridge. Stoke is, well, if university's where people then Stoke would buy all it's clothes from Matalan and shop at Iceland. Sheffield girls all have fat arses, all of them. Bizarrly I have never visited a London Uni. None of my mates where rich enough to go. What are they like?
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Not going to Uni does not make you ignorant. You can debate and think. That's good enough for me. Besides, I know certain graduates who are unable to do that.
So.Want.To.Do.Yo.Momma.Joke. Resist. Durham Uni is excellent actually, I think it's just a little too isolated and the students are not quite right for such a small city. In any other town, you could have uni bars etc - proper ones, not those shitty huts they get at Durham - but here they are forced to rub shoulders with the hoi polloi. The result is some locals may get a little uppity about some twat discussing Chaucher when they are talking about Alan Shearer's reverse bald spot.
*dire threat*
That were/where thing is going to get you hurt Berty.
*end of dire threat*
London Unis - i'm trying to think of people I know who went to one. Most didn't - most of my mates were too poor too. I know one actually, LSE - he thought it was canny - but London has a proper nightlife.
Strange - Newcastle Uni is technically more middle class than Durham - but next to no problems there - more space to be yourself there I guess? Less locals in that sense. This may be worth proper study.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:02:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I never went to Uni, I am ignorant.
My mum went to Durham uni as well you know, she loves the place. My grandfather shut down a factory there too. An old steelworks. Apparently during the winter, the snow all around the hill it was on would be pink.
I didn't like the place though. When I was visiting there I caught Durham plauge.
Cambridge is nice though. York has some pretty girls. Nottingham is too busy for my liking. I like Oxford better than Cambridge. Stoke is, well, if university's where people then Stoke would buy all it's clothes from Matalan and shop at Iceland. Sheffield girls all have fat arses, all of them. Bizarrly I have never visited a London Uni. None of my mates where rich enough to go. What are they like?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:01:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm glad i can't wake up and wonder where my lady bits have gone, i can just wonder what's gone into them.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 09:54:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
But why did I then start phoning everyone I know to inform them that I had lost a bullock but "it's alright, I got it back."
GOD DAMN. A bullock? Note to self: Proof read.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 09:49:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:01:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
*shrug*
Don't worry about it, it's not like it matters anymore. I mean you're 24 now, who has time to care about students?
---
I work with students, albeit not at Durham University, and I do tend to care about them. That sounded so gay. I am, however, decrepit now that I am 24, and when invited to midweek parties I always pussy out. I am becoming old. *shakes head.*
I am helping 3 students with dissertations at various unis, and I always like to hear what ex-students are doing.
"But it is the same as if I were dying, because in a sense I am dying, and even if the bell is not tolling for me, a part of me has died if someone of my friends has died, or someone of my species has died. When someone dies, I am the less. If a piece of a continent is washed into the sea, the continent is reduced. And if a promontory or even a clod is washed into the sea, the continent is reduced. If a man dies, mankind is reduced. If someone dies, a part of me dies. Therefore never send to ask for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee."
I am still shocked that such a reputation of violence could exist, and that there could be any basis for truth (i.e. that students should be physically abused by locals). Any uber student of Durham is quite welcome to come out drinking with me sometime and I am sure there would never be any trouble.
I sound like some disbelieving Michael Jackson fan. I've been out in Durham most Saturdays for the last 8 years, and I've seen about 2 fights. I've never been hassled (that I can remember).
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-12-06 09:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
thought it was okay.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-06 09:13:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep us updated with more drunken adventures if you have any.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I don't do shit like that anymore.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:36:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's one of my favorite parts of binge drinking. you wake up, completely disoriented, and wonder where you are. you eventually figure it out, and then the next bout of wondering deals with how you got there. you may or may not figure that out, or attribute your miraculous return to The Force or some other supernatural means.
then you wonder what you did last night. you have one last memory of stealing four jager shots from the cocktail waitress, then [scene missing]. you might get a brief memory flash of dancing with some fat chick in the middle of the street somewhere, but for the most part, your memory has been erased.
your equally blacked out friends eventually wake up, and the team attempts to piece together the night with tiny glimpses of reccollection while pounding judicious quantities of water in a futile attempt to rid yoruselves of the ferocious hangover and ungodly dehydration that incapcitates you.
ahhhh, the last 6 years of my life. glorious!
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:30:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone shit on the coats.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:21:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn near b@worthy
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:06:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 08:01:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*shrug*
Don't worry about it, it's not like it matters anymore. I mean your 24 now, who has time to care about students?
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-12-06 07:22:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha... Very well written, friend.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 07:15:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 07:08:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright 'hundreds' is a bit of an embellishment. Still I remember when my friend Steven went to Uni there. When I visited him many of his friends sported black eyes and bruises from run ins with the locals, that cleared up when they stopped going to non-uni bars. Most of the rape stories took place on that bridge that the church refuses to have lit (apparently) although I only met one bloke who had actually been raped.
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I can honestly count on the fingers of one hand how many times I've seen a fight in Durham in my years living there. But then, I don't go drinking in the Fighting Cocks, Saddlemarket or DH1 - the Charva hangouts.
I am shocked and appalled that such a reputation or reality should exist.
Trying to think of the bridge in question. There are a few that could possibly fit the bill. By the union perhaps? Though that is now lit. Hmm.
Point is that many of the hapless students there live in fear. It's a shame because if the locals accepted the students Durham might actually have a nightlife, but then it would turn into Nottingham so I guess it's all a double edged sword.
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The thought of a nightlife in Durham is nothing but a cheery thought for me. Durham is way too small to be a Nottingham. I've tried to talk to Durham students on a fair few occasions and not even with the archetypical 'oi! you lot students then?' and to be perfectly honest, they have patronised and treated me like shit 90% of the time. And i'm a friendly bloke, and not intimidating in the slightest. If you still have friends at Durham uni, then I will be quite happy to have a drink with them. As long as they really like Transformers and/or good music.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 07:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright 'hundreds' is a bit of an embellishment. Still I remember when my friend Steven went to Uni there. When I visited him many of his friends sported black eyes and bruises from run ins with the locals, that cleared up when they stopped going to non-uni bars. Most of the rape stories took place on that bridge that the church refuses to have lit (apparently) although I only met one bloke who had actually been raped.
Point is that many of the hapless students there live in fear. It's a shame because if the locals accepted the students Durham might actually have a nightlife, but then it would turn into Nottingham so I guess it's all a double edged sword.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 07:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:56:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
hundreds of Durham students are raped and beaten every year. Durham is itself an old mining town with massive unemployment. It's very intimidating for a 17 year old. Still, it's your home. You know the situation better than me.
Perhaps they deserve to be beaten and sodomised. That'll teach them to wear scarves!
---
Hmm. Durham City is a fairly affluent place. The surrounding towns and villages are the poor places. That's one of the problems, you get the kids of ex-miners going into Durham looking for action.
Where did you get this 'raped and beaten' thing from? There are a few places which are a bit rough, but compared to most places I've not seen any real violence there. I've never seen any violence of that sort - I'd certainly be ashamed if I saw anyone in my City doing that to our guests.
Seriously Berty - where did you get this from?
You're right about the scarves though.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:56:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hundreds of Durham students are raped and beaten every year. Durham is itself an old mining town with massive unemployment. It's very intimidating for a 17 year old. Still, it's your home. You know the situation better than me.
Perhaps they deserve to be beaten and sodomised. That'll teach them to wear scarves!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:41:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you get dumped by a student or something? You really seem to hate them.
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It's a town and gown thing I think. It's not like I hate them. I'd have to know them a lot better to hate them. But when I was a student in Manchester, I at least tried to get on with the locals, and tried to avoid dressing up in cliched fancy dress quite so often. The Durham students who do deign to go out in public tend to hold themselves as being somehow special.
In comparison, Newcastle Northumbria students seem to be good fun. Oxford students are fairly arrogant too, but with the right level of social exclusion to make them amusing, not offensive. It's impossible to hate someone who as well as discussing brain tissue also talks like Mike Skinner, despite being from Wales.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you get dumped by a student or something? You really seem to hate them.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:39:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:35:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
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It could have been a very gentle student. Or a devious one.
I actually find it hard to believe that they wouldn't have taken advantage of you.
Also, did they steal your wheelchair and go for joy rides around the cobbled streets of Durham? And if not - can I?
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No, thank you and no in that order.
Why the fuck would you want to take those kind or risks in Durham anyway, the place is full of hills and bridges and steep drops. THat would be poor health and safety.
Anyway the locals would probably rape you. Fucking perverts.
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I'd probs upgrade your wheels of steel in the same manner as the A Team. And I can only imagine the joy of rolling down Silver Street with scythes on the sides of your metal steed slicing students up.
You are right though - I always love seeing the students arriving with bicycles and then after a week of pushing them up hills, or watching them lying on the cobbles with a broken ankle until finally the bike is thrown over one of the bridge into the Wear.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:35:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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It could have been a very gentle student. Or a devious one.
I actually find it hard to believe that they wouldn't have taken advantage of you.
Also, did they steal your wheelchair and go for joy rides around the cobbled streets of Durham? And if not - can I?
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No, thank you and no in that order.
Why the fuck would you want to take those kind or risks in Durham anyway, the place is full of hills and bridges and steep drops. THat would be poor health and safety.
Anyway the locals would probably rape you. Fucking perverts.
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:09:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:06:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a lot funnier than my 'You're crap, if you can't stop the room spinning go and get my mother, she can,'
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A line I will use at some point.
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It'll haunt you just like it's haunted me. I've never lived it down and I don't think I ever will.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Laropmet (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:26:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
My clothes didn't feel askew and I didn't feel unusual rawness or moisture on my person.
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It could have been a very gentle student. Or a devious one.
I actually find it hard to believe that they wouldn't have taken advantage of you.
Also, did they steal your wheelchair and go for joy rides around the cobbled streets of Durham? And if not - can I?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:26:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My clothes didn't feel askew and I didn't feel unusual rawness or moisture on my person.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:23:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:15:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like to talk about it. Suffice is to say that I was sleeping in Durham's student halls in some dude's bed and the dude had passed out at the writing desk rolling a joint but when I woke up he was in bed with me and naked. I was still wearing all my clothes and I could tell I hadn't been interfered with but it was a shock.
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Durham students. Bah.
How did you know you hadn't been interfered with? Is there a Berty survival pack that protects you from the attentions of Durham students? And was his moist todger pressed against your back? And were your clothes on inside out as if they'd been hastily put back on after a quick public school orgy?
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:18:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:15:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like to talk about it. Suffice is to say that I was sleeping in Durham's student halls in some dudes bed and the dude had passed out at the writing desk rolling a joint but when I woke up he was in bed with me and naked. I was still wearing all my clothes and I could tell I hadn't been interfered with but it was a shock.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:11:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm laughing too hard to say something funny
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:09:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:06:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a lot funnier than my 'You're crap, if you can't stop the room spinning go and get my mother, she can,'
---
A line I will use at some point.
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:06:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am now imagining being woken up by a naked man screaming 'which one of you bastards has stolen my kidneys?!'
It's a lot funnier than my 'You're crap, if you can't stop the room spinning go and get my mother, she can,' or 'why are there clouds on the ground, it feels all wobbly,' antics from my younger years.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 05:37:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm - i've fucked up every punchline there. Timing. Shit
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Shit man, I thought it was good.
I used to wake up with the dead arm thing EVERY time after a night out.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 06:04:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 05:39:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
<insert humuorous comment here>
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You know Berty, I'm actually disappointed. I was expecting a 'this one time I woke up from a drunken night out, and my wheelchair had been clamped to a midget, and I'd soiled myself - now I know why I did those things - it's the only way to really teach them dwarves a lesson, but why was I wearing an orange wig?'
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2005-12-06 05:56:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was in a bar in New York when i accidentally took exedrine (a powerfull painkiller what causes sleepyness) instead of ephedrine( legal american speed).
I can't remember how i came home from the bar, it did involve covering over half of manhattan in the freezing snow. I woke up and all my knuckles where bruised.
I left town sharpish.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 05:43:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha! +2!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 05:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<insert humuorous comment here>
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-06 05:37:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm - i've fucked up every punchline there. Timing. Shit.