S Claus: The Original Paedophile (1285 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.59 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ozzy (View user info) at 2005-12-06 10:10:31 EST
ARCTIC CIRCLE- An 83 year old man will face court tomorrow after police raided an address near the North Pole last week. German entrepreneur, Santos Claus, has been arrested and held in custody ever since, and now faces a veritable smorgasbord of charges from police.
The investigation into Mr Claus is believed to have started when a former staff member, Karl Karlson, complained about the working conditions in Mr Claus' North Pole factory.
"We were promised a cushy job and life of luxury, but instead we were forced to work 18 hour days in a freezing factory with no heating. Santos continually assaulted us with a piece of garden hose, all the while shouting about meeting a deadline on 24th December. And for that we were paid the princely sum of 2 bowls of soup per week." Mr Jass said.
The exploitation of his staff was the tip of the iceberg, however. Upon searching Mr Claus' premises, police were horrified to find the names and addresses of 2 billion children, the majority of whom were under 12 years old.
Spokesperson for police, Sgt Clancy Wiggum, said "We appear to have a situation were Mr Claus accumulated a huge database of information on children. The purpose of this database is unclear at this point; however, the database was complete with photos of each of the 2 billion children sleeping, which suggests a sinister motive in itself. But Mr Claus appeared to seperate the children into 2 entirely seperate sexual categories- Naughty and Nice."
Eight reindeer were also removed from the premises by RSPCA director, Janie Doolittle. "The animals appear to have been poorly fed, and kept in cages meant to house nothing larger than a small dog. We also found an electric jigging device attached to one reindeer, presumably used to urge the reindeer on during work. The electric current ran via a metal rod, through the back passage of the reindeer, and into a red light bulb attached to reindeer's nose." Ms Doolittle condemned this practice as being a "barbaric throwback to the days of cavemen, a horrifying exploitation of these beautiful animals."
Police are tonight investigating claims that Mr Claus was guilty of 10 billion separate cases of trespassing over the last decade. Sgt Wiggum has so far declined to comment on this claim; however evidence collected so far seems to suggest that Mr Claus made a habit of dropping down the chimney of selected houses and stealing cookies, milk, beer and carrots. The trespassing charges are expected to be tried at a later date, separately from the others.
"These are obviously very serious allegations, and in light of the evidence before us so far, I'd be surprised if Mr Claus wasn't convicted of the majority of charges thrown in his direction." was all Sgt Wiggum would say.
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Let me be the first to say, I'm just not that surprised. There just had to be something seriously fucked up about a guy who dressed the way that dude does.
I mean c'mon, red suit and a white fur fetish? Winnie the Pooh has a better dress sense, and he runs around all day with no pants.
I hope they throw the book as this pervert. Anyone who sticks an electrified metal rod up a reindeer's arse to get a red light bulb to show the way on their sleigh just ain't right in the head.
Oh, and don't get me started on the time I saw the fat prick kissing my mum. What does he do afterwards? He calls her a Ho Three fucking times! Then pisses off with all our milk and cookies.
And the worst thing of all? The bastard gets his jollies from "emptying his sack" in people's living rooms.
Fuck. You. Mister. Claus. You deserve everything you get.
And you never did bring me that motorbike.
User Reviews
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-12-18 21:28:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good holiday commentary
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed a lot of amusing posts the past few weeks while I was studying for finals.
Like this one.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-07 04:31:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:35:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Who is Mr. Jass?
I think you forgot to explain who Hugh was, or what his job is. Accidentally delete a paragraph somewhere near the beginning?
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Karl Karlson was originally going to be called Hugh Jass. I changed it in one paragraph but not the next.
-2 die n00b!
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2005-12-06 15:36:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
fuck carrots
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-06 13:50:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
"I've seen better"
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:46:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:16:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:08:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
I dunno, I liked it when Santa jammed his candy cane into my meat-muff stocking.
But then I found out there was no Santa.....
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If you turn that into a post, I'll give it a plus 2.
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Ozzy, (cries emo tears)that would probably be the first and last +2 that I would ever receive here on Uber. It seems that I get sucky ratings either because: 1. I really DO suck 2. I'm a NOOB. 3. I've never submitted a real camwhore, because I think that is cheating. Even though my tits are the roX00r.
I will see if I can make a post out of this.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:35:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who is Mr. Jass?
I think you forgot to explain who Hugh was, or what his job is. Accidentally delete a paragraph somewhere near the beginning?
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:16:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:08:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
I dunno, I liked it when Santa jammed his candy cane into my meat-muff stocking.
But then I found out there was no Santa.....
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If you turn that into a post, I'll give it a plus 2.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:08:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I dunno, I liked it when Santa jammed his candy cane into my meat-muff stocking.
But then I found out there was no Santa.....
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:53:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The whole sitting-on-Santa's-lap thing always filled me with anxiety as a child. Why must I sit on a strange man's lap and ask him for toys? WHY? NO MOMMY I DON'T WANNA
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:43:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:29:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:07:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok fine. Have a +2. It's just a bit suspicious, you know? Nothing personal.
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It's all good Buckeyes. No offence taken. The hard part about Uber is that almost no matter what you post, someone has done something similar before.
Thankfully, my formula of a fictional story gradually turned into a piss take seems to be nobody's style but my own at the moment.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:27:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just as I suspected.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:17:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha....B@W
Don't forget, he also likes to damage rooftops and chimneys.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:07:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok fine. Have a +2. It's just a bit suspicious, you know? Nothing personal.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:40:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice, loved the biblical title especially
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:36:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:29:31 (#)
Ranking: 1
I had "Santa is a pedophile" as my name on the MVA for nigh-on a week. So yea, thanks for stealing my idea
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You did? It's not really my style to steal ideas. As mentioned below, the inspiration for this came from Kevin Bloody Wilson's song, from which I've posted the lyrics.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:35:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That poem was awesome, about a million squillion times better than the actual post.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:29:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I had "Santa is a pedophile" as my name on the MVA for nigh-on a week. So yea, thanks for stealing my idea.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:28:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:21:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Berty, this was a tribute to my favourite Kevin Bloody Wilson song.
http://www.kevinbloodywilson.com/
Hey Santa claus you cunt!
Where's me fucking bike?
I've unwrapped all this other junk and there's nothing that I like.
I wrote you a fucking letter and I come to see you twice
Ya worn out geriatric fart, you forgot me fucking bike.
If I wanted a pair of bloody thongs, I'd have bloody asked.
And this cowboy suit and ping pong set you can shove right up your arse!
You've stuffed me bloody order up
It's enough to make you spew
And I'm not the only one who's snakey
Me sisters dirty too!
(female voice)
Hey santa clause you cunt!
Where's me fucking pram?
You promised me you'd bring me one, you remember who I am.
'Cause I'm the little girl who you made sit right on your hand
I'll give you fucking ho ho ho
You forgot me fucking pram
(male voice)
Next time I come to see ya, I'm gonna punch you in the guts
And I'll let your fucking reihndeer go and kick Rudolf in the nuts!
You just wait 'till next year, when you go to that store
And me and me little sister, come stomping through the door
And we'll say, yeah you wait for it
Hey mums and dads you smell his breath and check his bloodshot eyes
And don't listen to him boys and girls 'cause he tells fucking lies
He's just a piss tank and a pervert, and he's not even very bright
'Cause the old fucking wanker Forgot me fucking bike.
You wait you old cunt, I'm gonna dob you in
Tell me old man on you, he's gonna punch your fucking lights out
"I saw mummy sucking santa clause"
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:15:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for a good post and the correct spelling of paedophile.
Isn't it CHIEF Wiggum?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:14:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did a dude in a santa outfit reall make you sit on his hand?
That's hilarious.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:14:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is my favorite thing I have read all week. Granted its Tuesday, but the thought is there. Cheers!