Job Interview: Putting the Odds in my Favor (1456 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 0.69 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <suburbanator350.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-12-06 10:21:43 EST
Through Officer's Gulch, over Vail pass and through Eagle County I didn't run into any trouble, and I was making some great time.
I neared my favorite part of this drive now. Glenwood Canyon was the last stretch of Interstate built to make I-70 a complete freeway from Utah to Baltimore. Its also the most expensive stretch of highway in the U.S., costly, but well worth it. It's thirteen miles of curvy four-lane freeway running along side the Colorado River and a set of railroad tracks. It's not your conventional freeway either. The eastbound lanes run right along the river, where as the west bound lanes are on raised platforms and bridges that run length of the canyon. There's even a small dam and hydroelectric plant located within the canyon. Due to the curves of the road the speed limit is set at fifty miles per hour, and even though this is a bit slow, it makes it easier to enjoy the view of this beautiful stretch of Colorado.
As I passed through the canyon, I was reminded of a couple of girls I had known a few moons ago. The girls were Brandi and Brandy, and both were friends of mine. Brandy was a mature woman who just had a certain something about her that made her down right irresistible. Short blonde hair, a classic, curvy, hourglass figure, and a physical beauty matched only by her great personality. Brandi was also an attractive girl in her own right, friendly, but a bit of a tramp, so in retrospect, I guess you could say the canyon was like Brandy, in the fact that it had some nice curves and was easy to look at. Then again it could be like Brandi in the fact that, well, it was a big gap that a lot of people have been through.
The Lamborghini Countach was a car built for speed and handling, and Glenwood canyon was the place to test those automotive traits. No side slip, no hesitation in acceleration, no play in the steering: a thing of beauty.
The car burst out of the canyon and west through Glenwood Springs. Then I was hit with an idea. I quickly exited the interstate and cruised down the main road of Glenwood Springs, passing landmarks like Glenwood's world famous hot springs pool and the Hotel Colorado, a favorite hang out of Al Capone, who at one time tipped a bellman enough money to send him through college when the bellman snuck him a case of alcohol during prohibition, and where the Teddy Bear was invented after President Theodore Roosevelt had a bad week of bear hunting and the hotel staff made him a stuffed bear.
I found the store I was looking for: a hunting supplies and surplus store. I reached into the inside pocket of my jacket and pulled out my wallet. I only had twenty-five bucks on me, that wasn't going to buy me what I needed. As I opened the door to the Lamborghini, the dome light came on, and I noticed something sitting on the floor of the passenger seat, something that might help me out here. Lacey had left her purse in the car.
I've never been a man of fashion, The only name brand I ever look for specifically is Levi jeans, simply because I know my size and I know all I'll need to do is find my size and I know they'll fit without even trying them on, so I've never understood the appeal of the Louis Vittan, line of purses. To me they all have the same puke brown colour with a tan logo and tan trim. The purse's size and shape may be different, but the colours are always the same. Plus I'm pretty sure Lacey spent around a thousand dollars for this thing. Yet another thing I can't understand. Doesn't the fifty-dollar purse you buy at JC Pennys hold the same stuff in the same way? $1000 for a purse? That's a new set of tires and rims for my Jeep.
I grabbed the purse and emptied its contents out on the passenger seat. Her purse has the same combination of smells that every woman's purse has: breath mints, lipstick, hand lotion and perfume. I found Lacey's wallet and opened it. She had about thirty in cash, but I was hoping to find some plastic.
With credit card in hand, I ran into the hunting store, and headed back towards the optics section where a hunter could buy a scope for his rifle, or binoculars. Searching the isles, I found what I was looking for in the way of a headband-mounted pair of hunter's night vision goggles.
There's an old urban legend about drug runners using a blacked out sports car, running at night with the headlamps off and the driver was wearing night vision goggles. While the legend is most likely untrue, it is possible to do it. Or at least I hope it is as I am going to have to try to do it tonight. I need to burn some time up and I think it'll be a lot easier to get through Utah doing this fast and dark.
My next challenge was to see if Lacey had any money left on her card. Fortunately this store has a few of those self checking check stands that seem to be all the rage in stores lately, so nobody will question the card. With a pack of batteries and a couple of Gator-aids to drink I was out the door and back on the road.
I checked the countdown on my cell phone. I had used two hours already. My time was good, but it needed to improve. I was still about a hundred twenty miles from the Utah border, and the only thing between me and there is Grand Junction.
I decided to try the out NVGs once I got away from the bright lights of Glenwood Springs. While there was no other traffic around, I turned off the lights and toned down the illumination coming from my cell phone.
The problem with NVGs is everything is green, so you have no colour recognition while wearing them, but in that sense, they're like wearing cheep sunglasses, where the tint distorts the colours of what you see, so it's not that bad to wear them. Another problem is that everything viewed with tunnel vision and no depth perception. Since you have no peripheral vision, you need to move your head back and fourth to see what is around you, and with the lack of depth perception judging things in the distance is very difficult...no kidding, huh?
Walking a patrol at night in the military while wearing NVGs is difficult and fatiguing; driving a Humvee at fifteen or twenty miles per hour is even more difficult. Navigating an interstate in a Lamborghini Countach at 130 miles per hour is next to impossible.
Night Vision devices work by absorbing as much of the surrounding light as possible and focusing it to usable amount so you can see through the device. The difficulty in doing this on an interstate instead of a combat zone is that there are other cars with their headlamps on heading at you, over loading the NVG's light absorption abilities, and almost blinding me. But I worked through it, navigating DeBeque Canyon, just east of Grand Junction without incident.
I removed the NVGs and turned on my headlights. Grand Junction is fairly large city, and the Interstate is illuminated most of the way, so I'd be blinding myself and the street lamps would light up my car, making the "stealth" of driving without my lights a moot point.
Heading west through Junction, then Fruita, past the truck scales, beyond Mack and I'm out of Colorado and out of the light. The NVGs went back on and the back of the accelerator petal was pushed to the fine-carpeted floor.
I put the NVGs back on, and settled in for the long drive. It's Friday night, I've got no date, a couple of liters of Gatoraid and my all Iron Maiden and Helloween mix CD, I was ready to rock.
User Reviews
Submitted by gtrrkicw (user info) at 2005-12-15 15:12:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
interested in seeing the end...
time to write the next part
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2005-12-07 04:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-12-06 15:24:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-12-06 13:21:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So far so sweet. Good be reading your stuff.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah... not as good as teh others.
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2005-12-06 12:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It is a series. I don't think he meant to put it as dirty humor, but rather dumb jobs.
I didn't like this one as much as some of the others, I suppose it is really just filler for the remainder of the story but the nvg angle just didn't do it for me.
Part 1 http://www.ubersite.com/m/80244
part 2 http://www.ubersite.com/m/80316
part 3 http://www.ubersite.com/m/80398
Submitted by LilBastard (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:39:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:10:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This confused me, but you get a +2 because you're Otter.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:51:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Was this just a bunch of random paragraphs? You lost me.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lost points for seemingly going nowhere fast (I think I did catch the previous installment) and not bothering to find out how Vuitton is spelt.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:34:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
What video game were you playing?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:28:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Either this has no point, or it is the next chapter of a previous story. Either way, shouldn't be under Dirty Humor. I really felt it was a waste of time. But you don't get a -2 on the offchance it IS the next chapter of the story I am thinking about and so I forgive you.