Sperm Tales: Battle for Uteron (1019 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: series
Rating: 1.94 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2005-12-06 17:17:15 EST
~~~~~~~~This story begins in the Remote Extremities, Testes Station R, approximately nine months before December 9, 1981. Imagery loosely based on inner testicle depictions from "Emission Impossible" episode of Family Guy [Season 3]. ~~~~~~~~
Captain Jimmy Jamma, a pilot of the Y Chromosome division, sat at a booth in Spermyanna's in downtown Testes R. Although usually a light drinker, he was feeling particularly happy on this night. After learning of his induction to the Sperm Fighter Hall of Fame, he felt the need to celebrate with booze and X-division chromeys. X-gals being as impressionable as they were, they flocked to the new celebrity.
"Ladies, ladies, relax. Relllaaaaax! I am more than capable of accomodating each and every last one of you," spoke out Jimmy. "One at a time, of course--we don't want to get Down too much. Am I right or am I right??"
"OOOOhhHHHH!!" The ladies offered an excited response to his distasteful joke. If he were in his right mind, he probably would have failed to see the humor in it.
"But before I head home from the bar tonight--with a few of you, of course--I would like to take this moment to announce my retirement as a Sperm Fighter."
"What?!?"
"OOOhHHh!"
"Omigod!!!"
"No way!!"
"I know this may be a shock to some of you gals, seeing as how I am still young," Jimmy allowed the X-gals to smile and nod approvingly at this statement, "and also seeing as how I am already the career leader in kills, assisted kills and extended emission blasts among other things...well, this is my legacy. I don't want to risk doing anything that might take away from all that I have already accomplished."
Jimmy allowed the magnitude of his words to continue sinking in with his stupefied fans. When he felt the timing was right, he finished.
"So who wants to come help me usher in the new phase in my life?" Practically a rhetorical question, the X-girls climbed over each other to try to get a spot on either of his arms. The two lucky ones, Jenna and Jizza, gloated at the throng that had to follow behind, hopeful that Jimmy would give them an opportunity with him.
----
By 4 AM, most of the X-girls had either fallen asleep somewhere in his house or were driven home by one of Jimmy's 3 chauffeurs. Jizza was still with him in the bedroom for her second session. True to his word, Jimmy had satisfied every last one of them, as well as giving new significance to his proficiency with "extended emission blasts."
When he finally finished with her, Jimmy kissed her on the forehead, took a deep yawn and rolled over to fall asleep. It was a most welcome sensation to feel his consciousness leaving him. The last thing he noticed as his eyes closed was the red digital 4:07 on his alarm clock. Sleep had consumed him...
"JIMMY!"
Jimmy's head jerked violently away from his pillow causing his entire body to spin over like a flapjack. It was still dark. He checked the alarm clock--5:13 AM. He was still a bit confused about the entire situation and moreover angry that he had barely been asleep for an hour. He wasn't exactly sure what had awoken him. That is, until the reason for his sudden awakening turned on the light.
"Hello, Jimmy." It was General Splurgeon. As high-ranking as he was, and despite his many accomplishments, Jimmy had only personally met The General on 4 occasions, each involving the presentation of some award. As starstruck as the X-gals were with Jimmy, he was even more nervous about the presennce of the Y-General in his bedroom.
"G-g-general Splurgeon! Ah...what brings you to my, um...bedroom?"
"That," replied The General as he noticed the several naked female bodies scattered and passed out throughout the bedroom, "is a matter to be discussed in private. Are these X-women dead?"
"Oh, no, sir. They were all just...they celebrated my Hall of Fame induction with me."
"Ah, of course. I was afraid of this type of behavior from you over this. You are the youngest member of the Hall. I presume you're aware that I had a vote?"
"Yeah--um, yes! I mean, you're a member yourself!"
"Yes, yes. Prior to your induction, I was the youngest inductee. Do you think that affected my voting?"
Jimmy opened his mouth, but couldn't really think of any kind of appropriate response. The General continued.
"It did not. It should not have. You are more than deserving of that honor, just as I was so many years ago. Come, put some clothes and join me in the limousine outside. There are pressing matters afoot."
----
"Jimmy, how important do you think you are?"
"Important in what respect?"
"To your fans, to yourself, to the armed forces, to life in general."
"I guess...I guess I would have to say I'm pretty important. I mean, that's the whole purpose of being in the Hall of Fame, right? I accomplished something that not that many people can ever do."
"Ah, the Hall again. That means a lot to you, just like it used to for me. Jimmy, what would you do if the Hall did not exist? What if all your flying was just a lot of razzle-dazzle, overhyped fireworks? What if there were no concrete way of measuring what your flying meant to everyone? Would you still consider yourself 'important?' Be honest."
"I...guess not. I mean, if you think about it, it's really just a lot of flying around for me. It's fun. But it's so much easier for me than for everyone else that I really don't see the value in it. But it makes everyone else believe. Like, for instance, the Sperm Fighters from Testes L are all supposedly 'vastly superior' to us, yet, I trounce them like nothing every time our two Stations compete. It gives the billions of people on our side a reason to believe we're not second class citizens in Genitalia."
"Jimmy, you have made countless fans happy, but have you ever stepped back and thought that maybe you can do something for yourself?"
"Well...every day, actually. I feel like I'm only part of a whole--like my other half is out there somewhere."
"As does everyone else in the testicular regions. But you know what? Almost none of us will ever get that chance to realize that dream of fulfillment. I see something different in you, however. That is why I think you're the prime candidate for the army's secret mission."
"What mission?"
"Why, Operation Fertilization, of course."
User Reviews
Submitted by Paddles (user info) at 2006-01-03 11:32:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I feel like I'm only part of a whole--like my other half is out there somewhere."
"As does everyone else in the testicular regions."
Gold.
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2005-12-27 13:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-08 11:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-08 10:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
had to read this one, after reading the other one
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2005-12-07 11:42:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-07 11:21:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-12-07 08:21:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by damage.com (user info) at 2005-12-06 23:09:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
God, I want to see this get illustrated.
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It's a possibility...
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If illustrated, this would definitely be HBO quality TV. Or maybe a Speilburg movie.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-07 08:53:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice start
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-12-07 08:21:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by damage.com (user info) at 2005-12-06 23:09:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
God, I want to see this get illustrated.
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It's a possibility...
Submitted by foodman (user info) at 2005-12-07 02:15:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd give you a plus 10 if I could just for the Down Syndrome joke. Clever shit.
Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2005-12-07 01:45:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought a sperm fighter would be more like a Japanese Zero pilot, one good bang and then you gotta wait for new recuits.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-06 23:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
riiight.
Submitted by damage.com (user info) at 2005-12-06 23:09:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God, I want to see this get illustrated.
Submitted by thechairnamedgod (user info) at 2005-12-06 21:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is going to be the worst hentai ever
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2005-12-06 19:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that was TITS!
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-06 18:30:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not quite right. We'll get along well.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-06 18:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for originality
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go! Jimmy Go!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:25:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, so in case anyone doesn't understand that intro, my birthday is this Friday (Dec. 9), so I'm gonna dish out a 3 or 4-part intra-peener/bajiner adventure to celebrate it in my mind. I sort of view it as my company's birthday gift for me, since they're essentially paying me to write it.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:20:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you have funny issues.