Ubermas '05 - Deck the Halls (860 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: fiction
Rating: 1.37 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourgeoftheseas (View user info) at 2005-12-07 14:11:29 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80534
As I walked in the restaurant the music hit me first. Christmas carols at full volume.
I made my way up to the third floor where my office and the receiver were located.
"Marge?"
"Morning boss! Don't you just love this time of year? The music and the food and the..."
Marge headed my wait staff for me. She was sitting on the floor unraveling the decorations from the previous year. My desk was covered in tinsel and fake greenery.
"Marge, why are you doing this to me? Why do I have to hear Christmas carols at full volume at 6:30 in the fucking morning? Why is my desk and my chair and MY office covered with all this crap? You know the deal. You can decorate the place for the holidays. You can play the music, as long as I approve it first. The customers appreciate it, that's why I let you do it. But, you're not supposed to bother me with it. This. Is. Bothering. Me..."
"Well nobody else will help me do it. I wanted to do it today and..."
"Fine. Fine. That's fine Marge. Just please get the stuff out of here. I need to get some things done this morning before I go down to the kitchen.
You know I don't like this, and still you do it to me? I thought you liked me Marge? Listen, I'm going out for a smoke, please have all of this out of my office before I get back. OK? Please?"
"I can get it all done if someone would just help me. You know smoking is going to kill you, right? Oh yeah, and be careful, Denver's out there. He freaks me out. I wish you'd just call the cops when he hangs around"
"He's harmless. He's just crazy as hell. Leave him alone and he'll leave you alone"
"Whatever you say. You're wrong, but, whatever you say. You know that normal people aren't bothered by this, they like it. Normal people love Christmas....."
I shrugged on my coat as I heaved out a sigh.
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"Hey buddy!"
Oh goddamn, I wasn't in the mood for this. I am always amazed at the way that small things, like the Christmas crap, snowball and turn an otherwise regular day into a bleak tunnel.
I thought about ignoring him. Thinking maybe he'd leave. I knew better though. That's not what Denver does. Ignoring him never did work. He'd stand there, arms crossed, looking at the world swaying slightly forward and back, smiling the whole time. I've tested this before, he once stood for thirty minutes when I never answered him, in the same way he always stood there.
"Hey buddy! Buddy! Hey! Buddy!"
He had a particularly odd smile. His upper lip would close over the middle of his lower lip and then he turned up the exposed corners of his mouth. The full, untrimmed for so many years chestnut colored beard and mustache amplified the odd look. His hair was always the same almost to the shoulder length while looking as though it hadn't been cut in years. Today he had a Santa hat perched on his dirty hair.
This winter he also had a new coat, down filled, ankle length. Funny, it probably cost more than my winter coat and was definitely newer, but on him it looked like it had seen its better days already. It was also pink with white trim, filthy except for the little Santa Claus pin with the blinking red nose.
"Buddy! Buddy? Can you hear me?"
He turned into his own mind after I ignored that, taking his usual pose. Arms crossed like he was trying to hold in something that he knew never needed to see the light of day.
I took one last long pull at my cigarette and tossed it into the Dumpster area. There were many nights that filthy area had served as Denver's bedroom. I had kept it locked until the previous winter. One shelter quit taking him in after he got in a fight with three other homeless guys. They quit taking him in? Three on one? He said the other shelter was full of crazy people. I guess he didn't know that he would have fit right in.
After work I had seen him in the back parking lot of my restaurant, shivering. Midwest winters can be fucking ferocious. I showed him how the kitchen exhausted right over the dumpster area. If he pushed the two trash bins in a triangle against the wall and flipped the lids against the wall it would trap a lot of the heat.
He spent most of that first winter sleeping back there.
Where the hell did a homeless guy get that blinking Santa pin and the hat? I light another cigarette and turn to him.
"Denver, buddy..?"
"Hey buddy, you awake, why you hate me? What you doing ?Can I get a dollar? Some coffee? It's cold, god hates the cold and sends it cause he hates me he thinks I'm the Devil and I gonna get him and you gotta smoke I can't 'ford no smokes they don't let me smoke at the castle where they turn me back to normal..."
Denver had highs and lows. He was a schizophrenic who was able to function when he was on his regular medication. He'd get out on the streets and be fine for a couple weeks.
Then the white Cadillac would show up. They'd pick him up, get him high and release him. Like fishermen. I wonder if the Government knows how many disability checks go to feed crack addictions. After a time of smoking rock, he'd quit taking his medicine and get worse.
When he got to the point where he was yelling at somebody, or nobody, on the street, the guys in white coats came and got him again. After a few weeks in the hospital, the drugs stabilized him, he'd be "normal", and he would sign his own release papers. Back on the street. The cycle would start again...
"Denver, slow the fuck down. Here's a cigarette. We'll get some coffee in a minute, when we're done smoking."
I'd been feeding this guy free coffee for the past two years. Running the restaurant, coffee was dirt cheap and he was cold. If he needed a place to keep warm before the library opened, I'd let him set up the tables and chairs and then sit at the bar with his coffee. When he left I'd give him five bucks for doing the work.
I made him work for what he got out of me. Every time. You want dinner, fine. Here's the broom and the mop, when the kitchen floor is done, you eat. You want spare change? Hell that's easy, make me laugh.
His crack dealers gave him a sweatshirt once. It had the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz on it and the words, "if I only had a brain" screened all over the place. I guess crack dealers have a sense of humor, too. This made me laugh maybe more than it should have. He wore it every day for the next three weeks trying to milk extra change out of me.
I had him wash dishes some nights in a pinch, paid him twenty five bucks or so and gave him a meal. This didn't always sit so well with some of the staff, some of them were uncomfortable around him, the floor staff anyway. Kitchen crews never give a shit as long as they don't have to wash dishes. But it was my place, so I figured anyone who didn't like it could go fuck themselves.
Even though he was nuts, if you gave him instructions and the promise of a payoff at the end, he'd work his ass off and do the job right every time.
"Denver, where did you get that button and hat?"
"God gave it to me. He gave it to me cause I'm Jesus and Santa and Satan. Can we get that coffee? I'm freezing this my time of year I love this time the people give me money and they my buddies and Christmas is my day..."
Then he stopped dead in the middle of the spiel and he stared at me with the look he usually only had when he was lucid.
"I'm not normal, you know, buddy?"
"I don't know Denver. I'm sure as hell the last person who needs to decide what's normal or not. You love Christmas, huh?"
"Yeah."
"Fuck it. You're normal then. Want to make twenty bucks working today instead of begging?"
"Yeah Buddy! Buddy that'd be great. I'd sure like that Buddy..."
I pushed open the back door and started into the restaurant and the still blaring Christmas music.
"Hey Marge I got someone normal who loves Christmas to help you..."
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-26 14:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I docked this down from a two a bit the first time i read this and have no idea why. This reading I enjoyed thoroughly so I can only surmise tha I liked your competitor's piece better.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 13:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:39:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've had it up to here with your shennanigans, I'm going through and -2ing ALL of your posts!
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE MYSELF!!
SIGNED,
SCOURGEY
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:39:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95020#2202073
banning attempt
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-19 08:09:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, this was really good. It was maybe looking at a 1.5, but I thought Denver's ranting rang true, and I really liked the ending, so it rounded up.
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:57:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
did you look at the guys asses too?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-09 11:54:59 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-12-08 10:19:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
Where in Central IL are you? Thorns and I have had this discussion already, but I didn't know there was another one of us! Woo, go IL.
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AshK, I'm in Springfield, If you're ever this way and want to bitch about Uber and Uberers over a couple cold ones drop me a note at scourgeoftheseas.at.hotmail.com
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I'm a little over an hour from Springfield (Shelbyville). I shop there often, we will have to get together sometime.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-12 00:01:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weak -2ing.
Enjoy the attempt at offsetting that.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:27:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another to compensate.
Submitted by B-Nizzo (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:21:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To compensate for that jackass that -2'd you.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:46:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Everything you ever wanted to know about clit_commander
User id: 20367
Registered on or around: 2005-07-08 13:13:25
# Messages posted: 3
# Reviews written: 89
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 38
# Hits: 1288
Average rating of all messages: -0.33
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This is your work here. It all sucks ass. All three posts. Your opinion means shit, it just screws other peoples ratings.
Fuck off. Are you each others alters and you forgot to sign in as the right person, because you're a dipshit? You just up in that fucking morons ass? Fucking asshole.
Now I'm pissed.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:42:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by clit_commander (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:29:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-09 12:29:19 (#)
Ranking: 1
You just learned how babies are made?
People like you should not reproduce. You are a decent write, but you come across as an absolute piece of shit.
If this post is true, the world is a worse place for you being in it.
+2 because you write well. -1 because I just plain don't fucking like you.
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Hey thanks for throwing in your two worthless fucking cents.
Who the fuck are you anyway you sack of shit? That guys post was about him being a piece of fucking trash. This is retaliatory ranking because of a review on a post that wasn't even yours? You're a fucking jackass. I went and read your three posts before I came back here and wrote this. From some people here I'd accept this, you are a talentless fuckwit however. Asshat
Submitted by clit_commander (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:29:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-09 12:29:19 (#)
Ranking: 1
You just learned how babies are made?
People like you should not reproduce. You are a decent write, but you come across as an absolute piece of shit.
If this post is true, the world is a worse place for you being in it.
+2 because you write well. -1 because I just plain don't fucking like you.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-09 11:54:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-12-08 10:19:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
Where in Central IL are you? Thorns and I have had this discussion already, but I didn't know there was another one of us! Woo, go IL.
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AshK, I'm in Springfield, If you're ever this way and want to bitch about Uber and Uberers over a couple cold ones drop me a note at scourgeoftheseas.at.hotmail.com
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-08 10:36:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't really like it in the beginning, but it turned out well. GOod job.
Submitted by Spacey (user info) at 2005-12-08 10:30:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why that made me feel all emotional, but it did. Good work!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-08 10:22:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very good
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-12-08 10:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Where in Central IL are you? Thorns and I have had this discussion already, but I didn't know there was another one of us! Woo, go IL.
I liked this story, but I thought that all the mentions of his snapping and Marge's wariness of him led me to think there was going to be a psychotic episode of some sort. I liked the flow and the writing, I just thought it needed a little more. It's begging for a chapter 2.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-08 08:59:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Thanks Orgasmatron.
I'm off to bartbart land for a shitty day of gladhanding and bullshitting with people I hate. NO more Uber for me today makes the baby Jeebus cry. Well, it makes me cry anyway.
As a bonus, I get to drive through a snowstorm if mr weatherman is right.
Submitted by Calios (user info) at 2005-12-08 03:42:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-07 23:31:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to bump this up to a 1.5.
I really like how you tapped in to the season and not just Christmas itself. It's a very human story, grounded in the spirit of the season and that general 'goodwill towards men' mentality that everyone's so keen about promoting but rarely ever act on themselves.
Good stuff. Like I said, I'd liked it to have been a little longer.
But then, who DOESN'T say that in response to most good stories around here?
I'm curious how this would have read if it was in the third person. Not that this suffered from the first person narration...I'm just thinking out loud.
Submitted by bonnee (user info) at 2005-12-07 21:46:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
neato asshole
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-07 21:00:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
enjoyed thoroughly.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-07 19:09:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I wasn't implying anything, THOUGH you may not believe that. Jack is just a good writer, THOUGH he may lose the liberal vote and enhance my chances. THOUGH I'm not sure why I believe you're telling the truth about the knit cap.
Though
Though
baahh. I'm going home.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-07 19:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Could I throw around a few more "though"s?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-07 19:01:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've got to agree with Thorns on this. I'd give my own critique, but it'd basically boil down to his thoughts.
I'll stop by later tonight when I've got more time and leave a decent reply, though...thoughts included.
I did enjoy this, though.
Oh, and damnit, it's not my fault you were paired with Jack! It's the knit cap's fault!
All I did was pull the names out.
:(
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-07 17:04:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - yeah, my new year's resolution is coming early this year - rate the post and not the poster.
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Fair enough. I'll just have to accept that this wasn't my A material.
This story is actually about 75 % based in reality. Denver is a real human. As a matter of fact, my fair city bought him a bus ticket and shipped him up to your neck of the woods as he had relatives there.
I had a couple of different endings worked out that I was going to use. This one is more or less what really happened. There are some dialogue changes but not much else. He was going to die in the one that came in second place, and then I backed away from that one. In retrospect, maybe not the best idea.
I was pretty much fucked from the beginning in this contest anyway. Orgasmo the Great had me paired up against McCallum. Maybe the liberal vote will save me.
What is Jacks relationship with all the Brits who will start flooding back at about 5:00 our time? Maybe they can save me.
Hey Great Britain, Jack McCallum said that you're all a bunch of flaming poofters. He used your word to make it even meaner. I told him to shut up and he called me a fucking Limey sympathizer and kicked me in the groin. He said you are all next.
I swear to God this is true.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:40:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:25:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:19:07 (#)
Ranking: 1
Ending was too abrupt in my opinion, and I got bogged down in the overly detailed parts about Denver. Edit for clarity and simplicity, and it's a +2.
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Oh, so that's how you wanna play? Well fine. The Central Illinois Internet dick sucking ends here man.
======================================================================================================
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - yeah, my new year's resolution is coming early this year - rate the post and not the poster.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:19:07 (#)
Ranking: 1
Ending was too abrupt in my opinion, and I got bogged down in the overly detailed parts about Denver. Edit for clarity and simplicity, and it's a +2.
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Oh, so that's how you wanna play? Well fine. The Central Illinois Internet dick sucking ends here man.
Seriously, though, thanks for the honest opinion.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:19:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ending was too abrupt in my opinion, and I got bogged down in the overly detailed parts about Denver. Edit for clarity and simplicity, and it's a +2.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:57:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:54:47 (#)
Ranking: 1
Thanks for the props but Bickerstaff is the man.
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Indeed he is. You're preaching to the choir there.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:54:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, I tried to do that in UM... cut my story size down.
This is well written, got no complaints there. And I'm all for "Snapshot in time" stories, but something's missing here. It's like the story sets you up to expect something more than it is...
The Caes will probably come along and say exactly what I'm thinking in his review, that guy knows how to critique.
This flows really well, and I can see crazy dude in my head. I like the reality in it too.
Thanks for the props but Bickerstaff is the man.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This is a solid 1.5
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:54:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm fucked!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd call this a 1.75, but i'm too lazy not to round. i liked it a lot.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:45:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, but something, something was missing. I will reread in a few hours.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:39:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:33:02 (#)
Ranking: 1
A fine effort but it's incomplete.
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I don't know. I hit that 1500 word mark and think that Uber folks will lose interest. If I have a 2500 word project, I'll generally write about 5000 and do a lot of paring down. I also write out of order, just rapidly putting thoughts on the page in the effort to get it all out before I lose anything and then rearranging later into a more cohesive whole.
Me, I liked the ending. But you are an awesome writer and the critique is welcome, as I'm looking to improve.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this and I don't.....
I like this as an anectdote, maybe a funny occurance your buddy tells you about over a drink right?
As a piece of fiction in a contest it falls a little short in my opinion. I never really identify with or get drawn to any of the characters and in the end it's somewhat anticlimatic. Easy to read/follow and seems pretty solidly written so....... +1.5
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A fine effort but it's incomplete.
Submitted by full_frontal (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:29:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
made me smile