Things I've Left In Other People's Posts: Vol. 1 (1215 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: tiliopp
Rating: 1.86 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2005-12-07 14:52:22 EST
Oh, yes, it's time for another great episode of "Phoned In Theatre."
You see, my UberMas submission isn't ready yet, and I don't have the time to work on that AND come up with something that'll coldcock you muvs and send a lovin' hum straight to the heart of you.
SO, in the interest of posting something today, I hereby present a handful of poems I've left in response to other users' posts. They're completely out of context, so don't expect them to make a ton of sense.
Oh, and here's a little something else for you too:
What's the difference between an overweight streetwalker with a blown-out puss and my ex-wife?
About forty pounds.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-27 17:53:43 (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't believe you gave me
all those negative twos
for pointing out how your posts
both strangely sucked and blew;
and now you've turned to poetry
to share your views on life,
I'd rather goatse tubgirl's mom
than read more of your tripe.
You say you're not an alter
and yet that game is through,
so spare us your shennanigans,
enjoy this minus two.
coda:
I long to hatdance on your shattered remains,
crushed like so much afterbirth
under the treads of my vintage Nazi tank.
Shamone.
-
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-23 15:01:15 (#)
Ranking: -2
Clarence sped, pushing 85,
And slowed to a stop outside my door.
She'd been the one I had loved.
We loved once, together,
Girl on girl,
But now my heart is dead to her,
Dead like Christopher Reeve.
Though now a new love stirs,
Full of chrome and leather and intermittent wipers,
Of five-speed transmission and cup holders for two.
Oh, God, who can afford the price of such a thing?
Who has the time to go to Carfax,
Or deal with the boner-popping salesmen at the lots?
They just want to rub up against me while they push their wares,
Despite the fact that I'm all about the clam.
She asks me one last time to go for a ride with her,
Twenty miles around town to lose my dignity.
Why should it be this way for her and me?
I can just get my own ride
And drive wherever I want,
Cruise around the Czech Republic with anti-lock brakes
And a sunroof,
Looking for a place with good bramborak
Served by a man who smells of beets and shoe soles.
Why can't she see
That I don't want her?
It is Her Ion that I want
Her Ion, Her Ion, Her Ion
I want that Saturn goodness all up in my garage.
-
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-13 22:51:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Up the ramp so walked the pairs of writers, two by two
Up the wooden plank walked rows of rabbis, Jew by Jew
Bartah looked upon his Ark and saw that it was good
And sailing, steered his trusty craft far from the ghetto 'hood,
Deep inside the stomach of the boat the writers cried
Lamenting o'er the website that had lately up and died
The rabbis blessed the meal as the writers they did eat:
"Man, Fat Tony sure tastes good! Pass me Loki's feet!"
-
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-13 23:00:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Hey! I am-a flattened-a!" the wop, with fear, he spoke,
The Greek replied, "Now how'm I gonna get my ass-a poked?"
The Jew said "Don't you worry, boys! Ol' Yahwheh will pull through!"
But then the EMTs arrived and said "You're dead, the lot of you."
-
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-13 23:06:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
Mine urethra burns just like Prometheus's soul
It burns because this piece of driftwood's shoved inside my hole
My dangle's op'ning eye, it now is gouged with bark and mud
Why, oh why, must suffering befall my lovely pud?
-
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-13 23:32:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
...but Bush and Kerry hadn't walked that far,
The bar was found on 44th and 9th:
A perfect place to sit and grab a pint.
Bush and Kerry walked into that bar
And saw an old bartender with a scar,
It ran from 'top his brow down to his chin
Its pinkish hue, a contrast to his skin.
"How'd you get that scar, old man?" asked Kerry
The man just growled "I got it from a fairy,
A pixie made of lantern light and dust,
That little bitch, she put up quite the fuss.
She whacked me with her wand, its edges sharp
She left me bleeding, helpless in the dark.
I swear, if I e'er come cross Tinkerbell
I'll send that glowing cuntbag straight to hell."
-
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-11 12:03:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Atop the faméd tightrope the two Phallus Brothers stood
And looked across the rope to see Sir Penis sporting wood
His tights could not contain the raging boner he had birthed
He grinned and gave a wink at them, all full of life and mirth
One Phallus Brother grabbed the stick and started then to walk
And 'cross that thinly dangled line he ran to Penis's cock
Penis helped him to the platform, then he helped him stand
And stood the Phallus Brother on his sturdy knobby man
Penis walked across the tightrope, Phallus on his dong
And when they reached the other side the band kicked up a song
The other Phallus Brother stuck his mule inside a cat
Then leapt upon his brother's head, just like a human hat
Penis walked across again, this spectacle he carried
Upon his rigid bishop, perched above two balls so hairy
Whenever you're in Europe, folks, be sure to see the show
For Phallus Bros. and Penis are an act that you must know.
-
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-11 11:43:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Skinny Kenny spent a night with Bertha Von Fatbottom
Bertha had her way with him and tied him in a knottum
Skinny Kenny lived his days a-servicing her needs
And helping to cook food for her to keep her stocked with feed
One day Skinny Kenny, while rap-slapping Bertha's box
Drew a slender pen knife out from his red stripéd socks
He jammed the knife into her kneck, right up to the hilt
And Skinny Kenny ran away, but never 'scaped his guilt.
-
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-28 17:12:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Soon" the voice calls, screaming, running,
Ringing through my ears,
Soon's the word I hear from where I sit,
For soon I'll gape my starfish and soon out a log will plop,
Soon is when I hope to take a shit.
Noon was when I ate Chipotle, noon-time burro love,
Noon was when I ate both beans and rice,
Noon was sixteen hours ago, and now it's 4 AM,
Next time I have Tex-Mex I'll think twice.
I sit here with a piece of stool as dense as Frisco fog,
Stool as round and wide as my closed fist,
I sit and rock and pray to God my leaning does me good
I sway and yet my bowels don't get the gist.
The sweat it is a-runnin', Lord
My brow is damp with sweat,
I feel it slide and push some more,
But I ain't seen shit yet.
Soon is when the workday starts, and I can't feel my legs,
Sittin' here, my circulation's shot,
Soon is when I yearn to see a turtle head poke out,
Soon is when I want to hear a plop.
I've stared long at my dangle, Lord,
Near five hours since gone by,
I've had my fill of magazines
And looking at my thighs.
"Soon" my soul cries, terribly - I push hard with my might
"Soon" I grunt as I force out the load,
And soon thereafter, when I wake, I come to on my back
Laid inside an ambulance that's a-tearin' down the road.
My veins they went a-poppin', Lord,
From my last zealous push,
They found me passed out on the floor
They saw my poor, bare tush.
Soon is when the doctors say I'll get to walk again
"Soon" is my recov'ry's scheduled date,
So, brothers, listen closely - don't you try to force a dump
Or else you'll have a stroke, so don't tempt fate.
-
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-11 11:25:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
E-Rice is like Uncle Ben's
He warms in minutes for Ghey Menz
Serves six to ten when cooked just right
Make Eric Rice your bitch tonight.
-
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-10-28 17:13:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're getting +2s for life for this:
Satan looked around his bathroom, said "I need a toilet seat"
Up to earth he looked and thought "Her face looks neat."
He put his arms around you and swooped you down to hell -
Satan's shitter's made of gold - I hear it's mighty swell.
He knew that you like golden showers, he knew you liked it wet,
He knew you gargled urine well, though you played hard to get.
He placed your face upon his throne and nailed it tight and true
He opened up your purséd lips to catch his piss and poo.
It broke our hearts to lose you but your death is not in vain
We always think of you, my sweet, when we pee down the drain.
If laughing at this damns us, well, then consider us all damned
But that means soon we'll piss on you in Satan's fiery land.
Quick, name that cartoon:
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:52:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why on earth did I fail to rate this the first time I read it?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:03:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Santa Voltage drops in to pay a visit to the little boys and girls.
HERE'S A +2 LITTLE ONES! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! HO HO HO!
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:19:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-15 20:40:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
With hits, I mean.
How much hair have you grown since you've been gone?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-15 20:39:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Where you been, Kojak?
I'm catching up with you, biotch!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-12-15 20:17:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your reviews are priceless!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-13 17:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-13 13:31:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention to the post.
I was too busy staring at your penis....
---
Come again?
*Looks down*
Oh shit, it IS out right now, isn't it?
Get back in there, Poonsworth.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-13 13:31:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention to the post.
I was too busy staring at your penis....
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-12-13 12:16:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-08 11:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ace.
Cartoon - galaxy rangers?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-08 11:08:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I left this once (OK, more than once);
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Fuck
you
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-08 00:02:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oops, pardon. You asked us to correct one line, so I shall do so...
You're getting +2s for life for this:
Satan looked around his bathroom, said "I need a toilet seat"
Up to earth he looked and thought "Her face looks pretty neat."
He put his arms around you and swooped you down to hell -
Satan's shitter's made of gold - I hear it's mighty swell.
He knew that you like golden showers, he knew you liked it wet,
He knew you gargled urine well, though you played hard to get.
He placed your face upon his throne and nailed it tight and true
He opened up your purséd lips to catch his piss and poo.
It broke our hearts to lose you but your death is not in vain
We always think of you, my sweet, when we pee down the drain.
If laughing at this damns us, well, then consider us all damned
But that means soon we'll piss on you in Satan's fiery land.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-07 23:59:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're getting +2s for life for this:
Satan looked around his bathroom, said "I need a toilet seat"
Up to earth he looked and thought "Her face looks neat."
He put his arms around you and swooped you down to hell -
Satan's shitter's made of gold - I hear it's mighty swell.
He knew that you like golden showers, he knew you liked it wet,
He knew you gargled urine well, though you played hard to get.
He placed your face upon his throne and nailed it tight and true
He opened up your purséd lips to catch his piss and poo.
It broke our hearts to lose you but your death is not in vain
We always think of you, my sweet, when we pee down the drain.
If laughing at this damns us, well, then consider us all damned
But that means soon we'll piss on you in Satan's fiery land.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-07 23:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Always a pleasure, Shlong.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-07 22:07:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Is that cartoon "The Flintstones"?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-07 21:11:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-07 18:15:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't seen silverhawks in eons. I wonder if it is out on DVD.
Oh, nice poetry too.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-07 17:04:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, they pretty much just come out.
Shlongy thinks that I've got a warehouse of these sitting around from high school that I draw from every now and again, but nothing could be further from the truth. The only things I've truly ever taken my time with here have been the Grueberfest entries. Those had drafts and edits and such.
I mean, I've worked on things for a bit throughout a given day - trying to get all the names and such for We Didn't Start the Uber wasn't that easy - but typically if it's posted here it's been done within the hour. The reviews I just spit out, usually in a rage over how shitty the post that inspired them was.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-07 16:51:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you don't mind me asking, how much time does it take for you to think up some of these larger reviews I see you comment with? It's gotta be streaming straight from your head, which I like.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss Dave Chappelle.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:46:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
skeet skeet
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:36:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Silverhawks, Johnnus.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that cartoon BraveStarr?
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:34:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:01:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
LOJOPE WAS RAPED.
Pass it on.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:27:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That reminds me:
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-28 18:01:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
He's captainy and thorny
And he flies the friendly skies,
The two things that he likes to spread
Are jam, and womens' thighs.
From the pit of his wide cock
He pilots well his plane,
He sports a pair of captain's wings
And Raybans on his frame.
So if you're looking to get high
And trip the light fantastic,
Climb aboard ol' Thorny's jet:
It's pink and quite elastic.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:23:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a master of poetry.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:21:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
we'd see the evolution of your oddness though. and hey you're worth the hitwhore posts.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
IDT - It's not a big deal to me, one way or the other. The only reason to collect them is to create compilation posts like this - and be a filthy rating/hit whore - and I've already got enough for a second volume.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:17:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well i'm sure if you rallied everyone around your reviews, we could find alot of them for you. post a request for help maybe?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thou art distrubéd.
i love thee.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:13:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rock on
I'd hope this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80271#1722338 would be in your next one
Submitted by BananaPhone (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:13:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+0 for it being your own work.
+10 for it being just plain fucking amazing.
<stands up>
<wipes mouth>
Ass kissing? Who, me?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
pen -- I'm sure there's stuff out there that I'll never come across again, and that's lost to the wicked hand of time and the erosion of my memory. Which, in a way, calms and saddens me.
But, so long as alters and hapless new users keep popping up, I'll always have fresh faces to skeet all over.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:03:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, i had a feeling you'd do something like this.
otherwise, why waste the effort on those reviews.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good job, Teeph.
Xcuses - thanks for that. That one managed to escape me.
I'll use it in Vol. 2, as I'm sure there'll come a time when I have fuck-all else to post...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:57:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your verse is most entertaining, and makes a lot of shit postings worth reading.
I'm guessing...Captain Planet?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:55:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't forget this little diddy...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:47:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Save the Xcuses for someone who cares,
One with high-thighed love and see-through she-robe;
Before my heart, on business, takes to air,
She's certain to caress my meaty lobe.
O Inbox, show not your fatted folders,
Spare your arrows, Voicemail - show me quarter,
Time, fill not my day with pencil holders,
Boner-friendly thoughts make hours grow shorter.
L-bombs drop like nukes o'er Nagasaki,
Come, dear, let's enjoy the radiation -
My ladel dips into your vat of sake,
Your rice wine sex, it sure beats masturbation.
These candles burn and ebb as time does pass,
But, fuck, they sure do singe my naked ass
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:55:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn you Teeph
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking rule ALL.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:53:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Silverhawks.