Sperm Tales: Battle for Uteron - "The Egg of Uteron" (712 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: series
Rating: 2 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2005-12-07 15:38:13 EST
Introduction: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80551
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General Splurgeon and Captain Jimmy Jamma, flanked by security guards, walked down the main corridor of the Military Defense Center of Testes Station R. The latter was used to the facilities, but he was certain he would be visiting unfamiliar territory on this visit.
"Are we going to a top secret area?" he asked his superior.
"10 levels below ground, just like the movies," the General responded.
Sure enough, after several twists and turns, the two entered an elevator--the guards left them at that point--and descended. Jimmy seemed tense and was looking around the metallic interior of the elevator nervously. Splurgeon stood absolutely still, looking forward with fierce tenacity. After half a minute of awkward silence, the elevator came to a smooth stop.
When the doors opened, a brand new world was revealed to the young Captain. Although they had already traveled 10 stories downward, James could see another 5 stories down and 500 body-lenghths from the balcony in front of the elevator doors. Several ornate platforms and escalators linked the floors on either side of them. The ceiling to this massive room was a shiny obsidian black, contrasting with the crystalline nature of the floors.
As far as the mood, it was absolutely frantic. Y-men and X-women of varying levels of command moved about from room to room. Soldiers and scientists alike could be seen behind thick panes of glass performing all sorts of experiments or holding meetings on each of the 5 levels.
"Sir, this is...spectacular!"
"Huh? Oh, right, this is your first time down here in The Pit. I'll admit, it's a lot more busy of late, since...well, that's what we're here to discuss. Come, let's get on the escalator to sub-level 3."
----
The conference room was filled with high-ranking soldiers, as well as Sperm Fighter Pilots James had never seen as well as a few he vaguely remembered from Training Camp. None of the lower-ranking officers talked much, other than the occasional awkward ice-breaking introduction. When James walked in with the General, however, the room became completely silent.
"Captain Jamma, you may have a seat with the other top-tier Sperm Fighters. I will address all of you and your questions after I explain the situation."
James sat with some all-stars in the front row as the General took one of two central seats on the stage in front of the pilots. The other high-ranking soldiers stood against the walls on either side. Splurgeon sat silently while staring down these special Y-men, causing a few to shake. After a few minutes, a door in the back of the room opened, and a few soldiers walked in, followed by a slight old man, followed by some more soldiers. A buzz grew among the soldiers--they immediately recognized the old man as the King of Genitalia. The other pilots around him immediately stopped asking him questions about the Hall and instead talked to each other about how "cool" and "awesome" this was.
James thought differently. He knew there was something serious going on if both the King and the General were here to personally address them.
"Soldiers! Pilots! Thank you for your presence here today." The King began to address the Y-men in the room while still approaching his seat. "While you do not know exactly why you are here, I am sure you assume it involves something important. I can assure you, it is the most important thing possible. It is the most important thing you have never heard of. Above all else, however, it is the mother of all suicide missions."
James's eyes became wide. The excited buzz among the other pilots ceased. The King said nothing else as he motioned to the general to speak.
"Gentlemen, while I wish there were a way to break the news in a softer fashion, I cannot disagree with the King's description of the upcoming mission. " He paused to allow his words to sink in. "That being said, it would not be fair or accurate to indiscriminately force this mission upon you, even if the Genitalia Army Code states I have the power to do so. There is so much more with this situation...it is, in short, a lesson in the very meaning of life...pilots--no, soldiers--you have the opportunity to become something more than just a military Y-man. The odds are as close to impossible as you can get, but if one of you is able to overcome them, you will achieve greatness that has occurred only twice before in the history of Genitalia. How much do you know about your world?"
The pilots stared around at each other, confused. Finally, someone spoke out, "Genitalia comprises Testes Stations L and R, which support life, and the inhospitable Penis Column, which is used for disposal of criminal Y-men and X-women in Sperm Fighters via the Epididymis and Vans Deferens tubes." This pilot, who happened to be sitting next to James, looked thoroughly pleased with himself.
"So you think the entire world is limited to Genitalia?" The General was stern with this pilot.
"Umm...well, there's also the extreme outer Scrotal Wall, which supposedly is the--"
"There's more out there," James cut in, "there's a lot more. Most of us Y's and X's only know Genitalia. But we're known as the Remote Extremities to...to the other kingdoms."
The other pilots looked utterly shocked, as did the King. The General, however, looked pleased. "Captain Jamma, you seem to know information only the very highest-ranking officers know."
"Well, sir, yes. I sort of got bored with a Time Trial last year, so I took the Sperm Fighter outside of Genitalia...I don't really know much about what's out there, but I visited Kidney, Liver--these kingdoms are enormous! The inhabitants look very different, as well...When I touched down in Bladdervilla, I found out what they knew about us. Their king welcomed me, talked with me. That's where I learned that Genitalia is a small part of a gigantic super being. We're the Remote Extremities."
"Pilots, I want to let you know that everything Captain Jamma says is true, even if his methods for acquiring this information are suspect." James thought he caught the General wink at him. "I know, however, that it is physically impossible for him to have garnered the information I am about to reveal to you. I'm not sure what your spiritual alignments are, but I will tell you now that they are all wrong. Our way of life--our fate--is not governed by whatever supernatural being you worship, or by the King here, or how hard we work. No, it is controlled by Supreme Emperor Sub-Conscia, a large being located deep within the enormous Kingdom of Brain. Through one of his top aides, Prince Lust, he has ordered a special disposal of Sperm Fighters."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! You're gonna shoot us all into the Penis? What the hell's the purpose of that? Why not just shoot us all in the heads right now if you're just gonna send us all to die!" The pilot next to James stood up towards the end of his rant to show his anger. A few other pilots joined in the yelling. Many of the other pilots were still to stunned to offer any verbal response.
"Major Popper, is it? I know it sounds like we want to send you all to your death, but it is quite the opposite. We want--we wish--all of you could live. But only one of you can reach the ultimate prize. The rest of you will die a prolonged death in an acid bath. But the only way to get the prize is to send millions of pilots as a buffer to our very best pilots--the latter group being all of you in this room."
James was not afraid to die, but he was curious as to why he would have to risk his life. "General Splurgeon, if I may, what is this prize you're talking about? Maybe we'll be more apt to go along with this if we know what we're after."
"Of course, of course. Gentlemen, let me begin the slideshow. Private Simpkins--lights! Good. Pilots, slide one here is an artist's rendering of The Egg of Uteron..."
User Reviews
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2005-12-27 13:09:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-09 01:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-08 11:59:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff and very entertaining to read.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-08 10:17:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yay
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-07 21:23:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
posh.
Submitted by Axtumanu (user info) at 2005-12-07 20:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done! Lets have the rest!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-07 16:34:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
more fucked up than Battlestar Galactica
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-12-07 16:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Spermtacular posts!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-12-07 16:30:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, this is most definitely inspired by that.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-07 16:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me of Stewie's trials through testicular boot camp.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-07 15:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Getting better as the story moves on..