Sperm Tales: Battle for Uteron - "Splurgeon's Rally" (683 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: series
Rating: 2 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2005-12-08 10:59:13 EST
Introduction: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80551
"The Egg of Uteron": http://www.ubersite.com/m/80607
----------------------------
The pilots in the room--both Y-men and X-women--were numb with information. Over the course of 45 minutes or so, General Splurgeon had explained to them the super-human reproductive process as interpreted from Prince Lust, Chief Advisor to Supreme Emperor Sub-Conscia.
Everything they had known about their lives was but a tiny fraction of the truth of their existence. The billions of them that inhabited Testes Station R (and their counterparts in Station L) were nothing but pawns in the giant scheme of things. All their "years" of training with the Sperm Fighters was actually the first phase in the Insemination process mandated by a Supreme Emperor they never knew existed. A Supreme Emperor that was larger than their entire kingdom. A Supreme Emperor whose "days" approximated their "years."
Captain James "Jimmy" Jamma foresaw something of this magnitude when he visited those other kingdoms all those months ago. He could not literally imagine this fantastic scenario, but he realized when there were other kingdoms out there, that Genitalia was most likely not in control. As a matter of fact, he came to doubt that the King of Genitalia was anything more than a figurehead. The difference between Jimmy and his fellow pilots, however, is that he was not depressed by the situation. He was just as shocked as everyone else to be sure, but he was very willing to accept his fate. At the very least, he trusted his talent to carry him even if his confidence failed him.
The General and the King had been carrying on a private discussion for 5 minutes or so to allow the pilots to contemplate their options. The General finally stood up to continue his speech.
"Pilots, I'm aware of your fears. I was, in fact, offered this opportunity myself long ago. I passed it up, unfortunately. I chose instead a life in the military. It may seem like I made the correct decision, but you will find--if you choose my path--that there is a certain emptiness in refusing the chance to become...something more. The one that manages to conquer the Egg of Uteron will become something more powerful than any of us have the ability to comprehend. The very concept of the terms 'y-man' and 'x-woman' is representative of our nominal role in life. Our existence is half of what it could be...we are merely potential life. Those of you that accept this mission will achieve greatness infinitely surpassing anything you will find in Genitalia," he looked at Jimmy as he spoke now, "even The Hall of Fame. Your other half is out there. It is up to you if you are willing to risk finding it."
The pilots in the room, 237 in all, contemplated The General's words for a few seconds before he continued.
"As I mentioned earlier, we will be launching you with a buffer of millions of criminal Sperm Fighters. But before I explain their purpose, I should warn you about some...changes that will occur with your Sperm Fighters upon entering the epididymis. As you know, Sperm Fighters are state-of-the-art biomechanical ships mass-produced in the seminiferous tubules. When you enter one, it becomes an extension of your body and mind. Although we train you with the basic controls, your ultimate prowess with these machines depends on your mental connection with them, something nobody can teach. This much you know. What you don't know is that the Sperm Fighters as we know them in Testes Station R are actually vastly undeveloped."
This last statement struck Jimmy more than anything else. He could not fathom any enhancements to his beloved Sperm Fighters.
"From the time you enter the epididymis to the time you reach the end, each Fighter will develop a super-enhanced shield and a 100-bodylength thrusting tail. For the purposes of this special mission, Sub-Conscia has decreed that each non-buffer fighter will automatically upgrade its laser cannons and be supplied with several types of bombs.
"Millions of you will be packed tightly at the end, so be prepared for that. When the time is right, we will activate the vas deferens tube to start pumping your ships out. As you begin accelerating, lubricating fluids will be released to coat every one of your ships. Prince Lust has informed me that your velocity at this point will be nearly incomprehensible, so I ask that all of you exercise extreme caution when the situation arrives.
"As far as the buffer Sperm Fighters go, our scientists have 'modified' the criminals' minds--they will serve strictly to sacrifice themselves for you elite pilots. They have no concept of the Egg. There...is no further information available at this point. When you are expelled from the Penis Collossum, you will leave the jurisdiction of even the Supreme Emperor Sub-Conscia. I can not fathom what type of universe you will be entering. Prince Lust's researchers have surmised that it is an extremely hostile environment with acid spewing in every direction. But that is only an educated guess at best. It could be better...or worse."
By this point, several X-women pilots and one Y-man had fainted. This was to be expected. As if learning that their existence almost did not matter, now they had to navigate through an unknown world and face unknown terrors. But one thing kept bothering Jimmy:
"General, you mentioned an extensive upgrade to the weapons on the Sperm Fighters...I know you said Lust doesn't know what will happen outside of Sub-Conscia's realm. But does he foresee some violent enemies in the unknown region?"
General Splurgeon winced as Jimmy asked his question. He expected it, but he was still unprepared to answer it.
"Captain Jamma...Jimmy...all you gifted, talented pilots...please brace yourselves for this. I know all of this has been hard on you. But all I've really done is explain an abstract reality. What you will face will be much more concrete. You see...we're not exactly sure what horrors inhabit the new world. But we know that you will be competing against Sperm Fighters from Station L. Their fleet of non-buffers outnumbers us 10,000 to 1. They will do...anything to prevent an R-fighter from reaching the Egg. Anything."
User Reviews
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2005-12-27 13:12:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-09 02:02:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
eggalicious
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-09 01:00:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-08 12:34:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
NO, you ruined it for me, i was so
looking forward to a facial ending.
damnit man.
----------
HA
Also, really good post.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-08 18:05:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-08 12:34:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
NO, you ruined it for me, i was so
looking forward to a facial ending.
damnit man.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-12-08 13:22:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-08 12:34:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NO, you ruined it for me, i was so
looking forward to a facial ending.
damnit man.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-12-08 12:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not to alarm anyone, but I'm planning on ending this series tomorrow. The Egg will be fertilized, but by whom, and why?
In any case, tomorrow's my birthday, so I wanted to give a sort of gift to anyone on Uber that cares to read it. In essence, this series is an allegorical tale, but it's also a funny adaptation of my conception (it takes place ~9 months before Dec 9, 1981).
That means this whole story to this point has taken place in my dad's balls. I wish I hadn't just thought of that.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-08 12:06:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kick ass
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-08 11:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just read the series.
awesome.
i'm captivated. keep it up.
Submitted by foodman (user info) at 2005-12-08 11:53:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
teh secks iz tha r0xx0rz!!!!
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-08 11:43:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me be honest: I'm not in the mood to read all that right now, but the title alone actually made me laugh outloud.
+2 for that.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-08 11:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I refused to read these at first due to the childish titles (hypocritical, in retrospect) but I eventually caved in when there was nothing else going on.
I'm glad I did. Good old silly fun.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-08 11:08:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment