Harry Potter: The best review you'll read this year. You fucking cunts. (981 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.64 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by whataefag (View user info) at 2005-12-08 15:17:36 EST
So I could have been at Miss Magdalene, and perhaps I should have, but Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was where I ended up, for better or worse. Actually, Miss Magdalene sounds rather like some kind of pageant for nuns; hottest tits, knitting skills, prayer-wear. Somehow, I doubt the affair was much like that. And the movie? Adequate. Rippling with homoeroticism, but not nearly enough to make it feel like an actual boarding school. That, however, t'aint the point. Well,. Not unless book seven goes the way I've got my money on, and they deal with Voldemort by page 103, whereupon Ron and Harry finally get it together, and the remaining pages (probably some eight hundred) are taken up with Hermione, jilted, and gone very much Dark Willow on their asses.
Actually, dealing with Voldemort a few pages in isn't looking so tricky on screen, since he's basically a hissing campocalypse of a pantomime villain. The total lack of gravitas is pretty much made up for by the way they've done the costume/makeup: a nicely disturbing, mildly alien-grey pseudo snake face, with spindly limbs and incredibly fucked body language. The effects are, as a whole, pretty spectacular. The dragon in particular, looks beautifully realistic. Perhaps they hired some kind of session iguana for the job, and the snarly anger flowed from the contractual dispute over prosthetic spines. Perhaps not. In any case, it's visually lovely. So much better on screen than on the page in this volume. It's the visual elegance which I think makes it much less patronizing than Rowling's over-written, triple-explained, simplistic and derivative, ahem, bullshit. Like the thing with the wands ("...don't cross the streams!...") and the reappearance of the dead. Visually, it's pretty obvious what is happening and the why of it we can - as we must for so much in the Potterverse - construct from the fantasy we're already familiar with. She's operating with such cheap trope shuffling that sparing a passing thought for those shared phoenix feathers gives us the whole shebang. Much like the Basilisk Of Extreme Obviousness Yet Surprising Leglessness, Still doesn't explain why when Harry and his nemesis eventually 'cross wands' and all hell breaks loose, strange glowy spooge slops out of them for a few minutes. Sure, the whole movie has been about the pathetic inadequacy of first stirrings of sexuality, but this would only make sense with some kind of narrative trajectory behind it. Let's face it, the two other schools glibly telegraph the two threats to the fluffy, prepubescent Hogwarts equilibrium: sex and death. Or at least pert bottoms and black naughty evil, but I'm gonna run with eros and thanatos, 'cos I'm not much for thinkin' ms Rowling has got past Freud. But the wand-spaff would only make any kind of sense in that case if Voldemort were inexplicably sexy. And no, Lord V, vocally realizing you wanted a bit of Cedric (and after you've killed him) does most definitely not count.
If I type 'In summary' now, it'll look like there's been some kind of point, or vaguely clear thread of thought here. You guys are about dumb enough to buy that kind of crap, right? So: In summary, by going with show rather than tell, and by being edited down to skeleton, gonads, and cardiovascular system, this flabby, bloated, and rather moronic book has been improved tenfold. Though of course, as we were taught in all those math classes that Potter somehow seems to not be having (or English - lil bastards sure as shit wouldn't have caught that split infinitive) ten zeros are still zero. Whoever knocked out the script - I confess, I was not paying attention - did a sterling job given the trash they had to work with; and as each movie passes, they're getting slightly less let down by the child cast; but it's difficult to get past the fact that the entire plot is utterly pointless on more levels than can readily be enumerated. Also: Potter kid has abs. What? Not only did I entirely not need to see that but it's massively inappropriate. It's Neville-Longbottom-with-an-afro inappropriate. Tiny, tiny, nipples, too.
You Fugging Fag.
User Reviews
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:50:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nate (user info) at 2005-12-08 18:47:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
grow up
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-12-08 17:50:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-08 15:25:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hermione: most likely to be raped. By me.
Ron: most likely to be raped. By Hedwig.
Harry: most likely to be raped. By Dumbledore.
Neville: most likely to be raped. By no one.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2005-12-08 17:35:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
and im fully aware that im negatively rating an anti-potter post, but i dont care. Harry Potter gets me that riled up, that i cant give anything associated with it a postitive mark.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2005-12-08 17:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Harry Potter fucking sucks, give it up.
Its a children's book for children - your not cool and alternative OR showing your 'goofy' and cuddly side by reading it.
Im sick of you people. I dont care about your 'but i like it' or 'its actually a really good book.' The reason why your gay for Harry Potter is because its unintellectually challenging, the equivalent of watching sodding morning televison/gameshows.
Eat a dick, and read a proper book. Im not talking about something which shows your tortured intellectual soul like fucking Kafka/ Dostoyevsky/ Confessions of an English Opium Eater, but just genuinly good, mind expanding books which help you EVOLVE as a human.
Here's a few to get you started:
Life of Pi - Yann Martel
Angels's Ashes - Frank McCourt
Gabriel Garcia Marquez - News Of A Kidnapping
And my personal favorite which im sure you'll all have read - The Grapes Of Wrath by John Stienbeck. I must have read that book like a milion times.
Im seriously into victorian literature, but im not going to list all them.
And i dont want to hear 'The life of Pi Suxxors!!OMG!!1' You dont like it, YOU list some of your favorite books.
Only minus one because i dont want to piss on your castle entirely.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-08 16:26:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-12-08 16:17:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to have sexual relations with Emma Watson!
When she's old enough, of course.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-08 16:26:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-08 15:53:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
You sound like Bickerstaff, only less coherent.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-08 16:19:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
In case you don't get it: http://www.ubersite.com/m/70004
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-08 16:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
HOLY SHIT WHERE DID YOU GET THAT PICTUER OF ZAKALWE?!?!?!
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-12-08 16:17:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to have sexual relations with Emma Watson!
When she's old enough, of course.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-08 15:53:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You sound like Bickerstaff, only less coherent.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-08 15:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-08 15:25:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
I fucking hate Harry Potter, and everything even remotely related to Harry Potter.
-----
...but the broad that writes it is pretty hot.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-08 15:32:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Decent review. It would only be a +1, but the misplaced Harry Potter loathing from Shlongy suggested that he didn't actually read what you wrote.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-08 15:25:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I fucking hate Harry Potter, and everything even remotely related to Harry Potter.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-08 15:25:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hermione: most likely to be raped. By me.
Ron: most likely to be raped. By Hedwig.
Harry: most likely to be raped. By Dumbledore.
Neville: most likely to be raped. By no one.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-08 15:22:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Leave critiques to other people.