Everyone needs a hobby (1449 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:fiction
Rating: 1.87 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-12-09 09:35:57 EST
The problem, as far as Paul could see, was that caulking the floorboards simply wouldn't work. The stuff could still get in - around windows, doors, through the fucking air-ducts - there was no way he could see to seal off his whole house, so he bought a shipping container and had it put into his backyard, at enormous expense, and spent every weekend out there filling holes and sealing edges and padding the sides with old foam mattresses he'd scavenged at yard sales.
Paul's wife Maddy would sit on the back verandah and watch him, growing more and more worried in her quiet, unobtrusive way, until finally she ventured down to the back of the yard to ask Paul what he was doing.
"What," she asked, "are you doing, Paul?"
Paul favored her with his most winning smile. He wasn't aware of quite how many teeth his smile was showing these days, or he would have understood why Maddy shrank back a little and blinked at him. "I'm making a safe place to hide in when the mist comes down."
Maddy nodded at this and smiled a little nervously and went back to the house. All men had to have their little hobbies, after all, and if Paul needed to build an airtight box to make himself feel safer, well, she would give him the room to do so. She congratulated herself on her understanding and maturity and drank vodka until suppertime.
The days rolled by, summer giving way to autumn's trashy loud colors, and winter stealing in to dampen autumn's unseemly enthusiasm. The shipping crate in the yard was joined by a second, and they spawned a third and then gave it a brother. Paul was out there every Saturday, every Sunday, and most nights after work until almost midnight, working shirtless in the rain under the floodlights he'd rigged in the trees. The neighbors were starting to talk, but Paul was too busy to notice and Maddy was wandering happily in the bottom of too many bottles to really care.
By the time summer showed up again she was too far gone to notice the arrival of eight tanks of EnviroZap. A shame, really, for all concerned, specifically Miffy the Moggy, who vanished that same day. Maddy spent the better part of a weekend calling mournfully for her missing cat before she asked Paul (who she thought of as That Crazy Fuck Out Back, these days.)
She went outside, blinking at the unaccustomed brightness of natural light, and made her way to where Paul was sitting in a deckchair and watching the sealed containers with a scowl of fierce concentration.
"Paul?" Her voice was carefully neutral. "Have you seen Miffy?"
Paul gestured towards the crates. And now Maddy took in the backpack, the gas mask, the empty containers of exterminator's spray.
"I had to test it," Paul said by way of explanation.
When he opened the containers, on Maddy's hysterical say-so, Miffy was stretched and twisted in a puddle of Whiskas vomit.
"I think I know where the leak is, though," said Paul as Maddy fled sobbing back to the house, her stiff contorted kitty held awkwardly against her amply cushioned bosom.
The following weekend, Paul measured a very careful dose of powder into Maddy's morning V&T and half dragged, half carried her out to the containers. By 10 am she was safely ensconced in the original, well padded crate. Paul climbed on top of the structure, pulling his exterminator supplies up the ladder behind him, and spent three hours making rainbows of spray cascade down onto and around the container. He could dimly hear his wife screaming to be let out, but he smiled beatifically as he called back "You'll thank me when we're safe from the Alien Death Mist!"
At 1.30, when Paul was sitting his deckchair and waiting for the time-release locks on the crate to let his wife - healthy and hale, by the sound of her - out of the crate, quite happy to sit there until the 6pm preset time, something pale green and caustic started to float down out of the upper atmosphere.
Paul was unexpectedly surprised.
User Reviews
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-07-15 04:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WELL WHAT ABOUT THE UNOBTRUSIVE WOMAN THEN!?? HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK!????
you are a shit writer Circe.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-07-15 02:16:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay.. about the "unexpectedly surprised" thing.
The unexpected part of it is from the point of view of me, the narrator, and you, the reader. I mean.... He's been planning this for months, I wasn't expecting him to be surprised when the mist finally arrived.
HIS action was being surprised - MINE was to find it unexpected.
See?
I stand by my possibly erratic word choice.
And I'm glad you liked the story.
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-07-11 17:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this. One question, though. How are you "expectedly surprised"?
"Man, that surprised the hell out of me! I was TOTALLY expecting it!
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2005-12-14 13:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i saw this some time last week, i think, and it was increadible.
great.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-12-12 07:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always love reading these crazy-fucker stories.
If you want to watch a good crazy-fucker movie, check out Save the Green Planet. It's a Korean genre-hopping film about a UFO-nut on meth who kidnaps his former boss, believing that he's an alien who plans to destroy the Earth.
It presents itself as a wacky comedy at first, until it totally blindsides you and breaks your fucking heart.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-11 00:19:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Darling, you're awesome.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-12-10 18:57:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh, nice to see you do some fiction.
Submitted by Luderhow (user info) at 2005-12-09 23:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
haha wtf?? alien death mist xD
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-09 23:20:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:05:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate Alien Death Mist.
Great post
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-09 17:41:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:18:30 (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought it was pretty good. Well done.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought it was pretty good. Well done.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Down here, we all float.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:49:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a good writer.
I bet no one's ever told you that before.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:23:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Paul was unexpectedly surprised?
Mmm... Redundancy...
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh in a way that attracted WAY too much attention at work.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:08:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61530
Still one of the best things you've ever written.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:05:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate Alien Death Mist.
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:02:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-09 12:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it, but it seems like you could have done a little more with it. This is not meant as a criticism, I just would have enjoyed seeing more of this. Oh well, good work as always.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-09 12:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-09 12:18:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kinda feels good.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-09 12:18:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm burning myself with the hot end of a ciggarrette as I type this.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-09 12:13:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Crap crap crap
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-09 12:13:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh fuck
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-09 12:13:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love it when you do fiction.
You have this cool way of portraying people and situations with a tint of sarcasm.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-09 12:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great. I'm so tired I had to read it twice.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-12-09 11:39:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-12-09 11:23:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-09 11:06:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-09 11:04:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
let's you and me make out... then eat some jello.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-09 10:51:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!
Auto +2
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-12-09 10:42:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoy reading things with proper grammar. Thank you.
Sometimes this site gives me a headache with the misuse of apostrophes, semi-colons, and commas.
And I am as guilty as anyone, I just like reading well written pieces.
And the story was also good....
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-09 10:16:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good happy sounding ending. kind of like a "well would you look at that" at death.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-09 10:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She congratulated herself on her understanding and maturity and drank vodka until suppertime.
---------------------
I like this line.
I've been feeling terribly uncreative as of late----
and this makes me feel jealous.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-09 10:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Has you're Dutchman started doing DIY?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-09 09:55:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote - yeah, Paul got hosed. It wouldn't have made me happy otherwise.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-12-09 09:54:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Totally random but good never the less.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-09 09:54:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was nifty, I liked winter dampening the unseemly enthusiasm.
Only, I couldn't tell if Paul's hosed by the mist! I was savoring the irony of him being locked out of his container when the mist came, but then I remembered there were three other ones for him to get into, and it wasn't clear to me if they were all interconnected or if he could get into them individually.
Still, it had your usual excellent ear for language!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-09 09:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have four hobbies.
1) -2ing
2) Spanking my monkey
3) drinking, smoking and fucking
4) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-09 09:43:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-09 09:41:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a tree fort like that one time. But the aliens captured it and misted me out.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-12-09 09:41:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alien Death Mist...well...it's original I'll give you that
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-12-09 09:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really cool.
Except the very last line.
But still, brilliant.