Ubermas '05: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (***NSFW***) (2118 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (View user info) at 2005-12-09 13:41:45 EST
'Twas the night before Christmas, I just could not sleep.
My mom'd tucked me in and said, "Don't make a peep!
'Cause you know if you wake up before Christmas morn',
There'll be coal in your stocking instead of soft porn."
So I laid there in bed, trying hard to doze off,
I dared not make a noise, no, not even a cough.
And just when I'd started to close both my eyes,
A startling sound roused me with a surprise.
"What the hell?" thought my brain. "Is this some sort of prank?"
It sounds like our chimney got smashed by a tank!
What creature or man on this earth still alive,
Could make such a noise, except for Maroon 5?
So I crept out of bed, and I snuck down the hall,
To see if my grandma had taken a fall.
She'd done it before, almost every night.
If she's starting a fire, it probably won't light.
I passed Grandma's room, used the keyhole to peep.
But she was in bed snoring like the blue deep.
So I moved down the hall, to the top of the stairs,
Scared as shit, so I muttered a few humble prayers.
As I lit on the first step, the ancient wood creaked.
"Oh fuck! Where's my mother?" my teenage brain freaked.
"If she catches me down here, my ass is so toast!"
But what I saw next would have whitened a ghost.
The bricks from the hearth lay askew on the floor,
Since Santa had chosen to not use the door.
And five feet away on the Christmas tree skirt,
My mom and the fat man were both without shirt.
I couldn't believe it! I saw that deep kiss!
She'd slipped him the tongue in a moment of bliss!
Then pulling his red pants down to his big feet,
Mother glistened and gleamed at the sight of his meat.
His cheeks were all rosy, he wore boxer shorts
And his pecker was free of venereal warts.
Then grabbing it swiftly, with nary a burp,
Mom gobbled him up as she started to slurp.
"Ho ho! Oh my, Carol, you've been good this year,"
Santa said with a chuckle and squeezed mother's rear.
"Ms. Richards, those cookies are good for the pups,
But what satisfies me are your double-C cups."
So he fondled her breasts, and he buried his face
Deep inside of the mammary glands he'd embraced.
Five minutes went by, not a moment too quick,
After which Mom continued to suck on his prick.
And when he was done, she turned over to spit,
Then reclined on her back and barked out, "Suck my clit!"
He gladly obliged, tickling her with his beard,
Into which her vagina all but disappeared.
Not one time, not two times, but three times she came,
And every time screaming out Santa Claus' name.
"No reindeer?!" she cried. "Well, that would be my luck;
Those magnificent beasts would be good for a fuck!"
"Well, next time, perhaps," quipped the jolly old man.
"But I'll satisfy you just as well as they can."
And laying a finger inside of her bum,
Santa rode her for hours until she couldn't cum.
"One more for the gipper!" the ancient man cried,
As he stuffed her with holiday cheer deep inside.
Then turning aside, mom exposed her large rack,
Onto which Santa emptied his magical sack.
Then the living room lit up! The cameras appeared!
The gaffers and grips, every one of them cheered!
And o'er in the corner, in the director's seat,
Sat Herbert J. Shlongy smiling from head to feet.
My mom turned to me with a gleam in her eye,
And she said, as she gathered her clothes, "Please don't cry,"
"You know who this man is," and tugged at his beard,
'Neath which none other but my dad nitty appeared!
Befuddled and puzzled, I asked them, "What for?
This kind of behavior from ME you'd deplore!"
Dad looked in my eyes and said, "Honey, you know
Just how badly your mom and I needed the dough."
If my parents shoot porn, then it must be okay
To make extra cash and get famous that way.
So later on, after they've turned out the light,
I'll bribe bart to post my clit on Ubersite.
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:35:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
UberMas WOOOOOOO
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-09 09:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-01-07 18:20:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
uh... that's definitely the picture of that girl that we don't talk about anymore... the one that rhymes with "cane" and looks a little like Urban.
you saved that picture all this time?
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No, I snagged it off of someone else's post...can't remember which one it was, now. But it was still up there and hadn't been deleted by bartbart when I wrote this.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-01-07 18:20:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
uh... that's definitely the picture of that girl that we don't talk about anymore... the one that rhymes with "cane" and looks a little like Urban.
you saved that picture all this time?
Submitted by B-Nizzo (user info) at 2005-12-11 14:48:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Christmas!
Submitted by refusenik (user info) at 2005-12-10 14:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Luderhow (user info) at 2005-12-10 14:01:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ergh i cant believe i pictured that in my head and i hope to never have that thought again.EVER.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-12-10 13:06:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderfully done!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-09 19:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very good
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-12-09 19:19:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I vote 5.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:38:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You call this piece of shit a post? Heh, great fucking job!
You better watch out, the Shlongster is running low on +2s.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-12-09 17:57:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One more for the gipper? Quite right.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-09 16:20:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that picture deserves free ice cream from baskin robbins until the end of time. good show.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:56:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for Herbert J. Shlongy
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:52:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gah!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:52:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, wrong button.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:51:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Unlike the post of Orgasmo the Great, I did not need to read this more than once to take it all in properly.
You certainly know how to play to your audience. For that, +2
I think it didn't flow as well as it could have, but you did have some computer troubles, computer wise (so you claim, hmmm. seems a little suspicious to me) This needs a good 1.9. As this is not an option and I am in a shitty mood, you only get a 1.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:39:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hot
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:28:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gross
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOHOHOly shit. Good stuff, I'm fwrding this to my 2,500 closest friends so I can get my wish. woot.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:07:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've been getting way too many +2's from Shlongy lately.
Knock it the fuck off.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:07:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:49:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny concept
execution was shakey, but it still warrants a +2.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:55:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
For the crazy tale, and the rhyming, and for fact that you had to recreate it from memory.
Given your computer woes, I'm amazed you got this back together in working order so quickly.
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Thanks guys. Trust me, the original version flowed a LOT smoother...but I was struggling to recall what I originally had for the middle sections, so being as I was running out of time, I improvised.
Lesson learned: ALWAYS back up to a flash drive. Even if it's just an Uber post.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:04:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Link to the Round 1 content post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80534
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:56:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:55:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the crazy tale, and the rhyming, and for fact that you had to recreate it from memory.
Given your computer woes, I'm amazed you got this back together in working order so quickly.
I was scrolling up after I'd read it the first time, and it was then that I caught the Carol Richards connection. Nice.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hot
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:51:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:49:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny concept
execution was shakey, but it still warrants a +2.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:48:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What creature or man on this earth still alive,
Could make such a noise, except for Maroon 5?"
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Teh Winnar!!!!!!!
This was really good. I can't wait to get mines on Xmas Eve!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-09 13:45:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
she's so sexxxzzzy..