It finally happened; Uber and my real world collided. (2089 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.77 on 77 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MyTeeOne <My_Tee_One.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-12-09 13:56:34 EST
I think I've mentioned before that I take classes at Second City in Chicago. For those of you who live under a rock, Second City is where the original cast of SNL got their start. Last night was our last class so we went out drinking. (My graduation show is Saturday Dec 17 at 2:00 pm if you happen to be in town).
Anywho, before hitting the bar, me and a few others from class went into the alley. We all took a few tokes. I only mention this because it (I hope) played a crucial role in what happened.
We go into the bar and start drinking. We're sitting around discussing class, past teachers, various scenes we did, who we had coming to the show and stuff like that. Sooner or later we get to talking about weekend plans.
Dan has his 6 year old daughter this weekend. He starts to tell his plans with his daughter for the weekend. As he is telling us you could just really see how excited the guy was to hang out with her and how much he loved her. His heart really showed through in the telling. They are putting up the tree, doing some sledding, and catching a movie she wants to see.
At this point, I was buzzed. People started saying things like "Oh that sounds so nice" and "Oh, that's sweet." I looked the man dead in the eye and said "Auto+2 for heart warming, but needs more rape."
I checked with my brain. Yup, I said it out loud. Shit.
I got a few strange looks, obviously. I felt my head start to go red and so I calmly explained by saying "Y Halo buttsecks." This got even stranger looks so, I tried to explain Uber.
By the end, I just claimed to be really drunk and stoned and say I didn't know what I was talking about. This was accepted.
I got to work this morning and started doing my job because, well, I have to in order to get paid. Dan had given me a ride home, but his truck broke down (I think I may have given that an Auto-2 because we had a mini blizzard here in the Windy City, but I don't think he heard me). That ended up keeping me out until about 3:00 am. Needless to say I am a little slap happy this morning.
I put a bunch of invoices together and showed them to my manager for approval. She gave them back saying they were fine. Being half asleep I replied "+1 for doing a good job, -2 for being up so early." She just kind of looked at me. I tried to (lie) explain that it was from a scene last night. She asked if I was still drunk from last night. I have a review coming up soon so I can't imagine this looking good.
The moral is Uber has started affecting my real world life and it's not working out for me so well. I'm addicted now though, damn it. I've been so busy at work I haven't had time to slack here on the website, but I crave it. I'm going through with drawl.
Finally the question got raised in my mind: Is Uber really just a carefully crafted plan for world domination?
I consulted my magic eight ball and it said "All signs point to yes."
I'm watching you Bart. I'm on to your little plan now. And I won't go to the media if my demands are met.
1) I want every Friday off.
2) Track down the girl I lost my virginity too. I want to prove to her that I'm much better now with practice.
3) The winter here is to cold. Please keep the temperature around 75 - 80 degrees year round.
4) I want to be interviewed by TigerLilly.
5) I want a plane ticket to go down and meet Jeanne.
6) I want an Xbox 360 delivered to my house by you. I want you to teach my every secret code, every move, and the layout of every level so I can finally beat my friend Ron.
7) I don't like my boss. Put me on your pay roll. Don't ask me to work though.
8) I want a TV station that plays all Simpsons, all the time.
9) My birthday should be a national holiday.
I don't feel this is unreasonable. You have until the end of the year.
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-29 01:46:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-12-10 20:16:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Uber is funnier than real life. It is a proven fact.
==========
true dat.
I know I've heard people say "what the hell, man..." and I have a hard time not helping them finish that sentence.
I've only mostly given the +2 but nobody seems to think anything of it.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-10-29 01:42:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(i've done that too! eeek)
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-10-29 01:29:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
figures.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-10-29 01:26:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Only an idiot would come along next and refer to an Average_Dan review and respond, ohhhhhhh, let's say,
"true dat.
I know I've heard people say "what the hell, man..." and I have a hard time not helping them finish that sentence."
I've only mostly given the +2 but nobody seems to think anything of it"
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-27 20:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
8) I want a TV station that plays all Simpsons, all the time.
That settles it. We're meant to sit on a couch together.
The other night I answered the door and as I welcomed my friend in, I said "Shamone!"
He replied.."Sha..lom?"
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-27 20:28:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's happened to me. I seriously doubt though that I'll ever run into OathMeal or anyone else nearby.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-01-29 20:30:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I tell people "+2 for accuracy" all the time. +2 for that.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-12 18:36:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no it'd be a nice change from everybody's drunk girlfriend who takes her shirt off and doesn't let anyone touch. you'd let me touch right?
==========================================================================================
IN - What kind of whore do you think I am? Us guys are not just pieces of meat here for your amusement.
<Holds straight face>
<Hold it>
<Busts out laughing>
Yeah, of course you can touch. I was hoping you'd ask...
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-12-12 15:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My fiance's friend said "That is the suck" the other day.
I did a double-take, especially since I had just read this post.
I didn't find any other reasons to suspect that he's an Uberer, though.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-12 14:56:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:25:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:15:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
so alcohol gives you the testicles to say "needs more rape" in a public setting. awesome.
====================================================================================
Aw, hell Inion...alcohol makes me SHOW my testicles in public.
Sorry, TMI?
--------------------------
no it'd be a nice change from everybody's drunk girlfriend who takes her shirt off and doesn't let anyone touch. you'd let me touch right?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:35:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've said 'har har peener' to my bf.
He just looked at me all wide eyed.... Then asked what the fuck was wrong with me.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-12 05:03:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
12 posts and 2 months on here and you think you have it bad with uber and your world colliding?
This post has been done before and in far better ways.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-12-12 03:36:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is crap.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-12-12 02:57:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm always saying oh noes now. I think I've quoted re 16y/olds before aswell. Bad shit.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:23:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this post instead of watching Survivor and I couldn't be more pleased.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-12-11 21:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank god there are at least some new users that kick arse around here.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-11 15:33:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
should have ended with "needs more rape."
still funny.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2005-12-11 15:15:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I calmly explained by saying 'Y Halo buttsecks.'"
Mmmmm... Que?
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-11 04:28:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:34:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait until you say "har har peener" to your wife...
------------------------------------------
At least I'm not the only one thats slipped like that.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-12-11 03:02:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"8) I want a TV station that plays all Simpsons, all the time."
http://www.ess.tv
The best $5/month you'll ever spend.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-10 22:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I checked with my brain. Yup, I said it out loud. Shit.
_______________________
This happens whenever I open my mouth.
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-12-10 22:21:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"meh"... at a story conference...in a "what else ya got?" context...worked fine
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-12-10 22:14:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-10 20:51:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I answered an e-mail from the Test Engineering Manager at work
with WTF? He had no clue. . .
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2005-12-10 20:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think that I've ever slipped around non-Uber people.
However, when I hear someone say "Holly", I sometimes look around thinking that they are speaking to me.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-12-10 20:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for embarrassing yourself in the real world with uber lingo.
I've done this as well, but it comes across better in text.
Uber is funnier than real life. It is a proven fact.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-12-10 18:19:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I say har har peener often.
And I've said +2 and -2 to my roommates. I forget how I excused my way out of it.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-10 18:08:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
One of my housemates uses Uber after he read a draft of one of my stories for it.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-12-10 18:08:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Just......
....Wow.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-12-10 14:34:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One time when I was completely hammered in Mexico, I actually gave something a +2 (yes out loud), and then shortly realized I was in Mexico and not ubersite. It was very humbling.
Submitted by Slash (user info) at 2005-12-10 13:57:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2005-12-09 22:58:39 (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, I know what you mean. I nearly put 'HAR HAR RABBIT' on my msn comment and then realised absolutely no one on my msn will get it.
Hell, I've even said Har Har Rabbit a few times
people just laughed at me
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-12-09 23:48:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a -2DIE sticker on my Trooper.
Oh, and since you seem to live in ChiTown, you can stop by and say hi to Mr. BartBart wherever he works there...
I don't know where, though.
Restraining order...
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-12-09 23:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I live in fear of telling an anecdote at a party or somesuch and having somebody go "HOLY SHIT, I READ THAT ON THE INTERNET!! THAT WAS YOU??!!"
Also, I think it would be quite funny to randomly see somebody in a bar that you recognise from their camwhore and then fuck with them for a bit by talking to them as you though knew them.
And I've lost count of the number of times I've screamed "SOUPS ON BITCHES!!" in the company canteen.
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2005-12-09 22:58:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, I know what you mean. I nearly put 'HAR HAR RABBIT' on my msn comment and then realised absolutely no one on my msn will get it.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:25:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:15:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
so alcohol gives you the testicles to say "needs more rape" in a public setting. awesome.
====================================================================================
Aw, hell Inion...alcohol makes me SHOW my testicles in public.
Sorry, TMI?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:23:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-09 17:59:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
My freeway ranting is peppered with Uber sayings.
-2DIE MOTHERFUCKER, GET YOUR PIECE OF SHIT OUT OF MY LANE!
---------------------------
i've done that...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:15:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so alcohol gives you the testicles to say "needs more rape" in a public setting. awesome.
Submitted by Call911 (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha
+2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-09 17:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My freeway ranting is peppered with Uber sayings.
-2DIE MOTHERFUCKER, GET YOUR PIECE OF SHIT OUT OF MY LANE!
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-09 17:44:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-09 17:16:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post. I'll interview you. Don't worry.
==============================================================
One demand down. I should have written more.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-09 17:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post. I'll interview you. Don't worry.
Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2005-12-09 16:38:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrepost
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-12-09 16:15:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Peener, bajiner, oh noes, soups on bitches, and +2
All things that have managed to sneak into my vocabulary because of this site.
I thought that this story was going to be about running into someone from Uber though.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-09 16:13:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha world domination? World domina....someone get the ether ready, he knows too much.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:58:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MINUS TWO DIE
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I said 'Oh Noes, it's teh Lolocaust' at work once but I was able to cover it up by denying the holocaust.
Got out of that one smoothly.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:20:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:11:22 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:16:34 (#)
Ranking: 1
I still await the day when I might mention Uber and someone within ear shot will be another user, one who's familiar with "Loren1"
Yikes. That would be embarrassing.
--------------------
I still await the day when I can waltz into a city and be instantly recognized, thrown on the shoulders of the people, given the keys to the city, and hailed as their hero because they are familiar with ETS.
YEAAA! That would be fuckin' awesome.
--------------------
I still await the day when Angelina Jolie unveils her new tattoo, worked beautifully in black ink straight across the line where her pubes begin, that reads:
Prop. of Orgasmatron Inc., Est. 1826
"I'm Gonna Fuck You Till You Love Me" <--- the 'tron family motto, only it'd be in Latin
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:11:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:16:34 (#)
Ranking: 1
I still await the day when I might mention Uber and someone within ear shot will be another user, one who's familiar with "Loren1"
Yikes. That would be embarrassing.
--------------------
I still await the day when I can waltz into a city and be instantly recognized, thrown on the shoulders of the people, given the keys to the city, and hailed as their hero because they are familiar with ETS.
YEAAA! That would be fuckin' awesome.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:08:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate to think how bad a work environment might get if more than one person was on uber.
The guy who introduced me to maddox.xmission, which eventually led me here, said he had an uber account once a while back. Then he told me he'd read some of my stuff.
All I could say was "oh no".
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:01:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bt,dt
just remember, try not to kill yourself when you here -2DIE
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-09 15:00:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:34:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait until you say "har har peener" to your wife...
---
Actually, come to think of it, "peener" and "penos" have come up in conversation before.
Oh, and my neighbor's name is Eric Rice. Is that bad?
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking hilarious.
I too have -2'd someone in public. I think my exact words were "you suck at life pal, minus 2 for you."
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:47:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:05:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
i find myself giving bad drivers a hearty "-2DIE!!!!!" from behind the wheel.
--------
me too
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:43:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
At least you didn't talk about lemonparty.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BananaPhone (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:35:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've caught myself saying things like "-2 die, bitch" to people to get them to shut up, but they just look at me funny.
I also came across a rabbit while walking in the park with a friend. I started to laugh and said "HAR HAR RABBIT!". But no one understood...
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:34:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait until you say "har har peener" to your wife...
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:34:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought the first rule of uber is that you do not talk about uber.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:26:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:18:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show good show, I think we all feel the same about #2
-----
I just tell women they aren't sexy enough to ride, making them kill themselves.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:25:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I consulted my magic eight ball and it said "All signs point to yes."
It's true, they do.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:19:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah explaining Uber to the 'real world' is tough.
I've told a few about it and they checked it out 'No likey'
What losers they are.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:18:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show good show, I think we all feel the same about #2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:16:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No one understands Uber in the real world. I have had to stop myself from saying the "Needs more rape" comment with my girlfriend. Though knowing how crazy she is she'd just oblige me.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:16:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I still await the day when I might mention Uber and someone within ear shot will be another user, one who's familiar with "Loren1"
Yikes. That would be embarrassing.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:15:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:14:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME!
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wrote -2 on a memo the boss left on the bulletin board. She didn't understand it, but she sure wasn't happy about it.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These occurances are amusing but I wonder if someone's had a similar encounter and been answered by someone they had no idea was on Uber. I think that would be somewhat awkward, I know I've written some stuff that woudln't seem to fit my character as well as some personal stuff and I'd be wondering all the time if this other person knew who I was on Uber. It'd be additionally funny to stumble accross an Uber enemy in a similar fashion.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PS - Look for me at your show. I'll be the chick with 2 black eyes wearing a GOATSE t-shirt.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:08:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:05:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i find myself giving bad drivers a hearty "-2DIE!!!!!" from behind the wheel.
also when my friends are complaining over the phone about relationships I find myself thinking -2 for crying emo tears.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:05:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I caught myself saying something like that under my breath at the office the other day. One of my fat, bulldog-jowled co-workers came by to drop off some work, and had done the work wrong. I believe I said "-2 die" quietly to myself, and then stood, stunned, as I vowed to never do something like that again.
And yet, I would like to issue a department-wide email with Ha Ha Rabbit in the body of the message.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:04:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, I say Ubersite stuff out loud all the time. My friends are used to it - they have all been debriefed about Ubersite and my tragic addiction thereto.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:02:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i noticed this happening to me a while back.
I've said -2die to random friends and once, just once, I looked someone dead in the eye and said ha ha rabbit.
O, teh uber.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:00:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funnay
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-12-09 14:00:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Auto+2 for heart warming, but needs more rape."
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!