Sperm Tales: The Battle for Uteron - "Miraculous Breakthrough" (750 hits)
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Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2005-12-09 18:02:04 EST
Introduction: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80551
"The Egg of Uteron": http://www.ubersite.com/m/80607
"Splurgeon's Rally": http://www.ubersite.com/m/80658
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Captain Jimmy Jamma stepped into his Sperm Fighter and closed the hatch. He looked around the small vestibule/coffee room for a moment before hanging up his jacket. As he switched on the coffeemaker, he sat down and ruminated over The General's words. Was his entire existence to this point merely preparation for the chance at true life in a larger universe? Were there any signs in his life that he missed because he was too busy taking orders from above? Genitalia is one kingdom--why did they have to compete with Testes L pilots?
Jimmy filled a mug with coffee and proceeded to the cockpit. The rush from his favorite beverage psyched him up for this final mission in his life in Genitalia. But he was still saddened to see all those other pilots walking to their ships. Whereas Jimmy had long yearned for this kind of opportunity, he could tell most of the other pilots wished they could stay. They wished they could forget about this awful truth and stay behind without the guilt that would haunt them. But there was no choice. The General's earnest request of them was enough to agree to this suicide mission.
They all knew, however, that only one of them had any real chance of surviving, especially with impossible competition they would face from their own brethren. Testes Station L was a lot larger than Testes Station R. It was not spoken, but it was generally assumed that Jimmy was the only one with a chance of surviving against Station L's fleet, let alone an unknown hostile world.
Jimmy carried this weight with him. He had always been unflatteringly deemed "displaced Station L pilot" by his own fleets. And those in older classes. And those in younger classes. But none of that mattered now. In one final symbolic acknowledgement that this was the end, The General called off the scheduled practice drills. Once they were launched from the Vas Deferens tube, it was up to each pilot to find a way through the pending madness. Jimmy placed his hands on the control panel, closed his eyes and felt himself become one with his ship.
--
At the caput epididymis, the 237 pilots were each partitioned a number of criminal buffer drones and assigned the link codes to their ships. These newly designed codes provided a telepathic link from each pilot to specific groups of their drones. However, with no practice runs, the feasibility of this feature was suspect. Additionally, The General set up personal links with each pilot. The only real purpose for this link was to confirm if they reached the Egg of Uteron. Most Station R pilots turned off this link and used the miniscule amount of power that saved for their blasters.
When every last one of the millions of Sperm Fighters had wedged into the opening to the caput epididymis, The General broadcasted one final message before their departure:
"Y-men, x-women. Pilots. You have served Testes Station R brilliantly. You are all the absolute cream of the crop of your respective classes. I am not sure how you interpreted my speech last night, but I must be perfectly frank: you will not be able to return. Ever. Once you are expulsed from the Penis Collussum, you will never be able to gain re-entry to Supreme Emperor Sub-Conscia's realm, let alone Genitalia. Moreover, even if one of you is able to locate the Egg of Uteron, there is no guarantee you will be able to perform the necessary task...Prince Lust has not given me permission to reveal more details...you will have to figure out for yourself...if you make it that far. Godspeed."
Jimmy was one of the few pilots that heard this broadcast before the mass of them were sucked into the epididymis. As the ships were jerked through this tunnel at an alarming velocity. Jimmy was already one with his Sperm Fighter in mind; as the ships zipped through the rest of epididymis, he felt himself become phsyically entrenched in it. He felt a tail grow out the back of his ship. He felt his guns become stronger. He was ready.
--
"General Splurgeon, I'm afraid I have some alarming news." Prince Lust opened a surprise line of communication with The General.
"Prince Lust! I did not expect to hear from you for a while...what is it?"
"The Supreme Emperor has issued a last-minute decree. It appears the Ultimate Being has received outside orders to abort the planned conception. I'm terribly sorry."
"WHAT?! But...but I can't abort at this stage! It's too late, my best pilots are already heading toward the Giant Shaft!"
"The Supreme Emperor is well aware of your impending losses and is prepared to compensate you--"
"Compensate? COMPENSATE!? Tell me, oh wise Prince--just how do you 'compensate' for the loss of your greatest pilot ever? As if we weren't already overmatched by Station L, now our spirits will be broken over this fruitless loss!"
"General, let me be blunt. The Brain doesn't give a damn about the any of your 'feelings.' If we want to waste a few million of your little ships, we'll waste them and that's final. If we expected to procreate and were denied--and if your people suffered as a result--well that's too bad. You're not the only one losing soldiers, I might add. Everyone that hits the Grand Lambskin Wall will be eliminated on contact."
"'Grand Lambskin Wall?' Is it really that deadly?"
"Yes, don't bother trying to comprehend matters above you. The Lambskin Wall is actually a last-minute replacement as we were not able to procure the more foolproof Latex substance. It doesn't matter--we don't think much of your pilots."
The General's heart nearly broke as he thought of all the lives that would be lost for nothing. But he had one final idea. "Prince Lust, you say this 'Lambskin' wall was a last resort...are you telling me there's a way around it?"
"I wouldn't say around...more like 'through' it, if one of your pilots can find a large enough hole. But what's the point of that? Without any buffer ships, he'll fry as soon as he gets to the other side." Prince Lust laughed at General Splurgeon's silence on the other side. "General, I tell you what. If any of your pilots can find a hole in the wall, make it through while being shot out of the Penis at breakneck speed, survive the acids of the Vagina, fend off any Station L ships, find the Egg of Uteron and bust through--ohh, what the hell, I'll put in a construction order to have Station R expanded to twice the size of L. I'll even sweeten the pot by not telling General Hoff about the true fate of his pilots. Okay? I'm done with you, I have to go manage an alcohol overflow in Livernia."
--
"Captain Jamma! Captain Jamma! Jimmy, can you hear me?"
"General! Yes, loud and clear! Oh, this is wonderful, you should see me, sir! I'm flying faster than I could have ever dreamed!"
"Jimmy, listen to me! The Brain has aborted the mission. The mission is over, but you and your fellow pilots will still be deployed."
"What? I-I don't get it. How are we still moving if the mission is over?"
"Jimmy, there's not much time. According to my readings, expulsion will occur shortly. When you are expulsed from the Penis Collossum, you will encounter a 'Grand Lambskin Wall.' No questions, just listen: as soon as you leave Genitalia, you will have the small window of time to find a hole big enough for you and as many of your buffers ships as possible. Do not get wrapped up in the scenery! You must find a hole! Even after you get through, there is the chance that a number of Station L fighters will chase you down. You must do everything in your power to avoid them and find the egg. If you can find the egg, we have been promised expansion of Station R...please keep your link active. Good luck."
Jimmy had no time to react to The General's words. As soon as the link broke, he felt his ship get rocked by a blast from an L-fighter. Before he could respond, he saw a pair of other L-fighters poised to finish him off. 3 L-fighters broke a wide hole in his buffers without him even knowing it.
"No...not like this..."
BOOM! Out of nowhere, the first enemy ship was blown apart by a bomb from an R-fighter. The distraction was all Jimmy needed to zip around and slice the remaining L-fighters in half with his tail. He could barely make out the head of his fellow fighter as that belonging to Major Popper, the hotheaded pilot that sat next to him at General Splurgeon's speech. He wanted to thank him for the help, but instead witnessed his ally get blown to pieces by a group of R-fighters. He was shocked and horrified, but he knew better at that moment than to take on 10 enemies by himself...besides, be needed his buffers for the uncharted territory...
All of a sudden, the world changed. In the distance he saw a yellowish wall. It was really quite captivating, unlike anything he had ever seen. But he remembered what Splurgeon told him. He scanned the rapidly approaching wall for an opening. He felt the enemy fire just miss him. He knew if he did not find a gap, he would die on impact at this rate. There was no chance unless--there it was! He would lose a fair amount of his buffers for sure, but it was his only chance. He overrode the autopilots on all his buffers and maneuvered the conglomeration towards the hole...
--
Jimmy didn't look back, but he could hear the sound of millions of sperm fighters exploding. It was a melancholy moment. He paused to do a quick reading on his buffers and found that about half of the original 73,000 allotted to him had perished. Now that he was flying at a normal speed, he was able to align his rear guard as he would have liked. At the first sign of surviving L-fighters, he would unleash the fury of 5,000 cannons. Sure enough, within minutes, he heard them coming and blasted about 100 of them. For about an hour this continued as he navigated through relatively straightforward territory. All in all, he had lost about 1,000 buffer ships to the acid walls and killed roughly twice as many L-fighters.
It was actually a very easy flight once the L-fighters stopped coming. All he had to do was continue moving forward until--
"Sweet lord! I found it!" Jimmy opened a line of communication with The General, but the reception was shaky at best. "Gen...found...Egg!...cking huge!"
That's when all hell broke loose. As if they awoke from a slumber, his buffer ships mutinied against him. They began shooting and unleashing bombs at an alarming rate. Their poor aim and his uncanny skill just barely saved him from the initial onslaught.
As there was no two-way communication between Jimmy and his former drones, he could only guess what their intentions were, though that much was obvious. Since he found the egg, he had no more use for them. Since they started shooting at him, he felt compelled to finish them off. One by one, he picked them apart with deadly precision. Occasionally he unleashed a bomb or two and took out a hundred at a time. When there were only a hundred left, he noticed they stopped trying to fight him. But they weren't necessarily fleeing him...it appeared they were making a run for...
"The Egg!!"
He beat them to the Egg easily, but was unsure what to do once he got there. He swore he heard it telling him, "Come to Me, come to Me.." but that could have just been his imagination. He saw one of his former drones coming right at him, but it wasn't firing. It didn't seem to notice he was even there. Instead of shooting it down, Jimmy got the bright idea to let it crash into the egg. And so it did--or did it?
Instead of bursting into flames, the former drone became somewhat electrified. It punctured the tiniest of holes in the monstrous egg. It almost seemed as if...it was trying to get in.
"Gen...posed to....trate the Egg?...eral...do I do?"
The General was overjoyed to hear this. He did not want to tell him about the secret of the Egg of Uteron lest the Prince or the Supreme Emperor find out, but he was growing increasingly worried that Jimmy's life would be wasted in an acid bath. He pumped up the power on the transmitter and gave Jimmy one final message.
"Jimmy, listen to me. When this signal ends, I will no longer be able to contact you and vice versa, but it will not matter. As we speak, the Egg is waiting for you to penetrate it. When you do, the both of you will become one. You will begin the long process of forming a superbeing. Unfortunately, you will not remember anything about your previous life in Genitalia. Your new life will be the only life you ever knew. I'm proud of you, Jimmy. Even though you won't remember, I want you to know that when they expand Testes Station R, I will personally see to it that you have your own wing in the Hall of Fame. If my research is correct, your penetration of the Egg of Uteron will emit a powerful signal that will reach Supreme Emperor Sub-Conscia personally. Godspeed, my son. Godspeed."
With new resolve, Jimmy blasted apart all the sperm around him trying to gain entry to the Egg, careful not to harm the Egg itself. He then flew away from it, counted to three and launched himself towards the center. He barely slowed down as he slipped right through the egg's outer wall. The egg begin to glow...first a dull light, then increasingly bright until it was a blinding white orb. A few of the slower L-fighters showed up just in time to be blinded by this light and crash into the acid walls.
General Splurgeon held an impromptu telecast with his top soldiers. The reason for the meeting: Mission Complete.
--
Over the course of the next few months, Testes Station R was renovated and expanded to be just as big as Station L. Supreme Emperor Sub-Conscia personally annointed General Splurgeon as King of Genitalia. Prince Lust, on the other hand, was demoted to Mayor of Sphincterville. Splurgeon would occasionally be found by some of his top aides wandering the new wing in the Hall of Fame devoted to Jimmy, who was "posthumously" given the rank of General. Of course, the new King Splurgeon knew what the citizens of Genitalia did not: Jimmy did not actually die. As a matter of fact, Jimmy was preparing to live.
--
On December 9, 1981, nine months after the Battle for Uteron, Sub-Conscia invited Splurgeon to come witness Jimmy's new form. The King was speechless.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2005-12-27 13:14:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read through these and I have to say, this was some master allegory. It probably could have been better with some more detail in parts, but that would be a task for a short story. All in all, some awesome stuff for uber.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You are all the absolute cream of the crop of your respective classes."
I especially liked this line.
An excellent series. Well done.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:44:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
uuuuungh
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-09 21:34:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you should'a had a picture of a nakey baby at the end.
Happy 9-month post fertilization day.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-09 19:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hooray for sperm! hooray for the aryan nation!... wha??!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wonderful fucking series.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:24:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wish i had a peener.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:21:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy Birthday!
Good post
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:15:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I do believe this post calls for only one response....
HAR HAR PEENER