Christmas Presents Your Girlfriend Won't Like . (2725 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.7 on 67 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Belle (View user info) at 2005-12-12 06:19:32 EST
I feel somewhat sad writing this, knowing full well that the majority of you reading do not have girlfriends... be that because you're a woman, an ugly lesbian or Apollo - none the less, you should still read this for future reference (you never know your luck).
Perhaps if you're a woman, you could print this out and leave it somewhere so that your man will find it. I suggest that you don't leave it in the washing machine, near the dirty dishes, by the leaking radiator that was supposed to be fixed four and a half weeks ago or your secret tampon stash.
Good places to put it so that he will find it would be: the pile of porn DVD's that he's keeping safe for a "friend", the X-box or taped to the front of his beer in the fridge.
You can all groan and whine about that being sexist, but who, really, gives a fuck about sexism unless it's affecting women?
Ooooooh did she go there? Yes she did! And what's more - she doesn't care either! When 100% of the women on the planet get equal rights - then we'll talk... and as there are still a hell of a lot of countries that still treat the mothers of their children like slaves and animals, I'm sure we won't be talking for a while. Besides which - men don't "do" "feelings" so it's not like I've hurt them! I can't hear any men crying - and if you are you must be ghey, and so you don't count because you're almost a woman anyway.
Where was I? Oh yes... Poor present purchasing skills:
We've all done it - we've all given a present that is quite simply "A Big Pile of Wank", but more often than not it is the men that struggle most with buying gifts for the people they love, and the one they struggle most with is their lover. I often wonder how you men can go from "I need show her I love her" to "Fuck yeah! I know - she does loads of cooking, I'll get her an oven cleaning kit", but you do.
This year I'm here to help you men could make a difference! I'm not asking you to think of all those beautiful moments when your girlfriend or wife has put herself out to make you happy, and to try and put them into a meaningful present like a beautiful painting of the balcony view from your honeymoon, or a copy of her favourite book, first edition, that she mentioned, once, on your first date - I'm talking about setting yourself up for a year of bliss, where you don't have a lift a finger...
Its a simple fact that women don't expect much from you men at Christmas, and you can use this to your advantage. A simple "I just wanted to show you how much I appreciate what you do for me" gift worth a little more than you're used to spending will reap many, many rewards in the new year.
You want more blow jobs next year? Give a good present and you might be in with a chance... Anal? Well, get your wallet out - because it's either a massive romantic gesture or you're paying for a whore.
Now, I'm not trying to insinuate that women are prostitutes, handing out sexual favours to their lovers only when a gift have been received, but lets face it - what better way is there of telling your missus that you love her than buying her something expensive? I can't think of any - and I'm a woman, so I should know.
And, what's more - if I think I'm in with a chance of something better next year you can bet your butt that I'll be trying harder to please my man for Christmas 2006.
Think of it as profit related pay - the better she is, the more she gets... everyone's a winner.
If you want to succeed in getting what you want next year - be that all your washing done despite the fact that sometimes you shoot through, sex on demand in any position and/or orifice or even the holy grail of girlfriend ownership the Threesome - then you need to check out the list of gifts you must absolutely avoid giving to your girlfriend.
1. A washing machine
2. Anything that she has said she'd like for "the house"
3. A car kit including ice scraper
4. A remote control helicopter that you've always wanted
5. A list of all the things she did wrong this year, and demands on how to improve
6. Moving your mum in to "help out around the house"
7. A Swedish au pair called Olga, who happens to look like that girl out of backdoor action 5
8. Crotchless panties
9. A walkie talkie so that you don't have to shout to her in the kitchen
10. A cookery book
11. A low fat cookery book
12. Exercise equipment
13. Your ex girlfriends dream present (especially if she knows your ex)
14. Two season tickets to your favourite team from whatever sport - which, if she doesn't want, you and your mate Andy will be happy to take off her hands
15. New tyres
16. A photograph of you, naked (without or without a frame)
17. Knocked off perfume like "Kelvin Clone - Eternally" or "Chunnelle No. 6"
18. A stuffed and mounted animal that you shot
19. A song your wrote for your last girlfriend, where you've substituted your ex's name with your new girlfriend, and it no longer rhymes
20. A vacuum cleaner with turbo power (it doesn't impress us)
Gifts I would suggest include:
1. A very large diamond set in something very pretty and shiny
2. A pedigree kitten/dog that cost an absolute fucking fortune, and is so cute you just want to squash it (you know you've got it right if she names it after your penis)
3. I know I gave the hint that anything for the car would be bad - but a new car is acceptable
4. An all expenses paid holiday to somewhere romantic - and by romantic, I mean somewhere where the shopping is great
5. A credit card on your account
I know this all sounds a bit shallow, but lets face it - you'll only be doing it for the sex and free housework, so you can't really complain.
And if you have a relationship where you could give her something you made yourself in your shed, then you're either very lucky, she's simple or you're kidding yourself and she's sorting herself out with the lad two doors down who looks like Olando Bloom in a certain light.
User Reviews
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good work sister suffragette
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I HAVE NOT THAT IS A DIRTY LIE.
I HAVE MDAE ONE OTHER COMMENT TO JARED THAT IS IT.
OH AND THE ONE ABOUT HAVING A WANK BEFORE RAPE HER.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-13 04:24:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-12-12 19:17:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
"19. A song your wrote for your last girlfriend, where you've substituted your ex's name with your new girlfriend, and it no longer rhymes" """"
hehehehee.
i'll have you know I may have a bird.
-------------------
Really apollo? I'd have never have guessed. I mean you've only mentioned it on every single comment you've made on Uber over the past month.
"I've met a nice girl I really like!"
"Oh Really? Well I met a nice girl from MA and she's just delightful"
"I'm meeting that girl again tommorow, I hope it goes well!"
"I haven't had a girly in ages, but I have now! America is ace!"
And so on, and so on, and so on.
We're glad you're happy though.
Submitted by AUSSIE_CHICK (user info) at 2005-12-13 04:09:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
16. A photograph of you, naked (without or without a frame)
wtf?
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-12 19:34:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, for the pix.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-12-12 19:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"19. A song your wrote for your last girlfriend, where you've substituted your ex's name with your new girlfriend, and it no longer rhymes" """"
hehehehee.
i'll have you know I may have a bird.
Submitted by damage.com (user info) at 2005-12-12 18:59:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"19. A song your wrote for your last girlfriend, where you've substituted your ex's name with your new girlfriend, and it no longer rhymes"
Good god. I actually know somebody who did that.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-12-12 18:51:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
11. A low fat cookery book
Submitted by Havoc (user info) at 2005-12-12 18:30:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey I didnt read this poo-poo but I will tell you I got my girlfriend a 3 diamond gold necklace. Have a free +2 since I referred to your post as poo-poo without reading it.
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-12-12 17:19:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A "cookery" book? British people talk so funny! +2 for the effort.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-12 17:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-12 16:36:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoy gifts that are useful and zany. For instance, I got chenille toe socks one year. Comfy, zany, and useful. And since I just got married, I suppose my husband is my Xmas gift this year. He is also comfy, useful and zany.
_____
i just got married too, MistressFist. :)
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-12 16:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoy gifts that are useful and zany. For instance, I got chenille toe socks one year. Comfy, zany, and useful. And since I just got married, I suppose my husband is my Xmas gift this year. He is also comfy, useful and zany.
Submitted by BrittInToledo (user info) at 2005-12-12 16:02:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I want a cat.
Or diamonds.
Both are excellent. It's true.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2005-12-12 14:15:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love that photo. Great.
also, a gift certificate to Heidi Fliess' stud farm (when it opens)
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:11:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
or you're kidding yourself and she's sorting herself out with the lad two doors down who looks like Olando Bloom in a certain light
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:58:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Henry made a card for me the other day. It was a little comic strip type thing, done with colored pencils and it was obvious he put a lot of effort into it. I know hand made cards sound grade schoolish to some people, but I thought it was absolutely adorable and the fact that he gave it to me for no reason was awesome. I did the same for him a few months ago, except I mailed it to him. Of course he has more artistic talent than I do, so his looked better. Anyway, little things like that, in my opinion, are a better way to show love than buying a bunch of jewelry or some other crap. We're both pretty broke this year, so we put a cap on spending. There are a lot of things I'd like to buy for him if I had the money, but the fact is, I don't, and when you don't have money, it forces you to be creative. When you are forced to be creative, you put more thought and more of yourself into the gift. In the end, it works out.
By the way, what's wrong with crotchless panties?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:55:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:44:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Geezus Berty. I was just playing along with the risque innuendos "what didja give him, forensicgirl?" 'har har har'.
Way to suck the fun out of it.
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Sorry Bonnie. I get morose in winter. Besides, I like egging Belle on. She loves it, she lives to play the faux martyr.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:48:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I honestly value presents that I get a lot of use out of. One year I recieved an expensive coat that I never wore. The same year I recieved a few dvds and cds. I still watch the movies and listen to the music, but the coat was donated to goodwill a long time ago.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:46:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:37:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't want any fucking jewelry. I just want a new power steering pump or an xbox 360. Does that make me mannish?
My best present ever: A cd my boyfriend recorded of songs he wrote for me. It's not all about the money.
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Exactly!
Mine did the same for me. See my response below. BEST gift in the world because $ wasn't involved and it came from the heart.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:44:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Geezus Berty. I was just playing along with the risque innuendos "what didja give him, forensicgirl?" 'har har har'.
Way to suck the fun out of it.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:37:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't want any fucking jewelry. I just want a new power steering pump or an xbox 360. Does that make me mannish?
My best present ever: A cd my boyfriend recorded of songs he wrote for me. It's not all about the money.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:23:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:51:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's even easier to forget that women don't really develop adult feelings until their thirties, if they ever develop them at all."
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So THAT'S what my fucking problem is.
---------------------
You're a lesbian, so the traditional rules may not apply.
I've never had any long, in depth conversations with lesbians and you never talk openly about your thoughts and feelings regarding muff diving so I don't know nuffin'.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's even easier to forget that women don't really develop adult feelings until their thirties, if they ever develop them at all."
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So THAT'S what my fucking problem is.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How about a bowling ball that says "Homer" on it?
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:13:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:08:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Voltage is right, you should keep love as seperate from desire as often as possible. That's what the pre-nup is for.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well I made this cool system with my current girlfriend. I don't buy her anything, she doesn't buy me anything. I get laid on Christmas. Then a week later I go buy whatever I want that I didn't get from family members.
The only time I told her I really want something was my birthday like...2 years ago where I asked for a flask and she got it for me. Anything else I want are sexual favors. Cause I can buy myself anything I want and still feel good about it, but I can't blow myself. Thats really hard. So I keep her around.
I don't care WHO is buying me the X-Box 360, even if it's me, all I care about is that I get it eventually. I don't even care if I don't get it for a year or so, I just want to have it eventually. Because I own a PS2 and have missed out on Halo 2 and bungie is not making Halo 2 for PC (bastards) so yeah....
DAMN YOU BUNGIE!
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:30:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!!!!!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:16:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:15:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not really. I think it's interesting that there are women that won't go home with a bloke unless they're drunk. That unless they have drugged themselves they don't want to go through with sex.
Does that count as self rape?
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Yes.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I know this all sounds a bit shallow, but lets face it - you'll only be doing it for the sex and free housework."
Send that to Reader's Digest. I, however, prefer free housework and sex at the same time. It's not like you're doing too much while just laying there, anyway. Make yourself useful and vacuum stuff.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not really. I think it's interesting that there are women that won't go home with a bloke unless they're drunk. That unless they have drugged themselves they don't want to go through with sex.
Does that count as self rape?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:11:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Later on you give her the shit gift and she buys you like a **toothbrush** or something equally shite and you both get embarrassed and share that awful, awful moment of fear and loneliness. Later on you both just get pissed and say it to one another in plain english before retiring for much kissing and hugging until you wake up the following morning with your cock still in her.
---
The greatest gift of all.
The gift of hygiene.
Isn't it interesting that some people have to get drunk before they can be honest about their feelings?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:57:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
By that same argument, if you give a lass an orgasm you should feel guilty because you have to repeat it, or top it.
---------
It gets easier when the sweaty hand paws at my head and moans "enough, please..."
Then it's just a few quick goes with the hammer and its off to the garden.
Seriously though, I guess it's all about perspective. Perhaps I'm putting the ideals of love and sincerity on too high a pedestal? Perhaps it can be true with any old girl as long as you buy a special gift pack from Tesco.
It's never just one fucking gift though is it? Year on year, twice a fucking year you've got to drag your hairy arse down to the fucking shops to find the 'perfect gift'.
Do you have any idea how much I hate that? Last time I went shopping for a white work shirt and had a panic attack*! It's worse when buying presents. It's not about just thinking 'right, need more bread, so buy bread' it's 'look at that? Would she like that? I dunno, what if she doesn't like it takes it as a sign that we're no longer connecting? What about the frilly underwear? Showing that I adore her sexually? Perhaps then she'll think that the only reason I'm with her is to fuck her. What if that's true? Maybe the reason I'm with her is purely for sex? I don't know, am I buying her a lie? Maybe I should break up with her. I love her though, I do, I'd be lost without her and I feel great when we're together. Ok, ok, ok, what about something that say's that? That I love it when we're together, that I love the way she makes me feel and that I can take on anything when she's with me. WHat could it be? What could it be?'
It gets worse as you have absouloubtly no idea what you're supposed to buy so you get some shite thing that isn't anything remotly like you want to say but it's a teddy bear with a hear on it's gut so it's got to say something good, right? Later on you give her the shit gift and she buys you like a toothbrush or something equally shite and you both get embarrassed and share that awful, awful moment of fear and loneliness. Later on you both just get pissed and say it to one another in plain english before retiring for much kissing and hugging until you wake up the following morning with your cock still in her.
So I say skip all that shite, skip all that worry and get on with living your life, get on with enjoying the important things.
Submitted by stuckfix (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck are tyres?
If that's supposed to be 'tires', than you're wrong. Chicks love a good set of radials for ANY holiday.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-12 07:48:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
I call shennanigans.
Noboby - But NOBODY would write a "help me sort my life out" post (with pic) to this site.
But nobody...
Especially that pic.
---------------------------------
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80784
http://www.ubersite.com/m/73555
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:40:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:37:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Gifts like that just make me feel guilty. Is that what you want to give the one you love? A fucking guilt trip? Worse, the next year comes and you try and simulate the experience with some other magical gift but it doesn't work.
>>By that same argument, if you give a lass an orgasm you should feel guilty because you have to repeat it, or top it.
The only reason that 'special' gift feels in any way special is because it is being given by someone you love. It's the person giving the gift that creates the fuzzy feeling not the gift itself. If anything the gift gets in the way because of all the anxiety, tension and fear that comes with getting and giving the damn thing.
>>If someone gets you a gift that says they spent time thinking about you, and sacrificed stuff for you how can that be a bad thing? Ok, so the Tracy Island toy from christmas isn't so hot now you've lost Thunderbird 4, and the buttons that make it speak have run out of power, but the thought was 'this will make them happy!' - that's what you should treasure.
Also Berty never has money issues because he doesn't buy tonnes of junk.
>>Junk is good. The shallow materialistic world we skate on is splendid. I shall post about that when I have time. At the mo, i'm still trying to guilt trip into getting me tickets for Brazil Japan.
;)
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:37:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gifts like that just make me feel guilty. Is that what you want to give the one you love? A fucking guilt trip? Worse, the next year comes and you try and simulate the experience with some other magical gift but it doesn't work.
The only reason that 'special' gift feels in any way special is because it is being given by someone you love. It's the person giving the gift that creates the fuzzy feeling not the gift itself. If anything the gift gets in the way because of all the anxiety, tension and fear that comes with getting and giving the damn thing.
Also Berty never has money issues because he doesn't buy tonnes of junk.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why are you out of the kitchen?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty
That's all presents are, dissapointing and worthless. All I really want is for us to be naked under some kind of fluffy animal skin, drinking red wine and playing with food before a roaring fire. Now that's how a man should spend his birthday, not unwrapping electrical appliances.
---
Henry VIII style celebration aside, sometimes you look at something and think 'it's nice, but can I really afford it? It will be an indulgence, and perhaps we can't afford it' - if your loved one makes the decision that you come before them, then is that a shallow thing?
What about an unexpected gift- both in timing and in nature? Perhaps birthday gifts are a bit shit as they are expected of you. They are an obligation, but what if out of the blue someone bought you tickets for the world cup (somebody - please please please) - and you had not considered it?
Perhaps that is more in the spirit of gift giving.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:29:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't though do you voltage? Not when you grow up and get a job and shit. You just buy it yourself. Come Christmas and Birthday time all you get given is either junk you don't need or junk that actually offends you.
I can't even get socks anymore because it's unfashionable to give socks. I like socks. You can't have enough socks, or underpants. I've only gone shopping for underwear once in my life thanks to the gift of socks but not anymore, no.
Do you know what the last present I got off my girlfriend was? An Mp3 player. Sounds ace doesn't it? Well it would be if I hadn't bought one a couple of months before.
That's all presents are, dissapointing and worthless. All I really want is for us to be naked under some kind of fluffy animal skin, drinking red wine and playing with food before a roaring fire. Now that's how a man should spend his birthday, not unwrapping electrical appliances.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:28:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:13:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
I know, that's why I keep rating you positivly.
Well, to a certain extent anyway. I feel that there's too much emphasis on the whole 'give and take' rather than the feelings behind it all. Sometimes I imagine you writing down every slight from your fella so you can have him make it up to you.
Your hearts in the right place though; the Albanians bound hands, close to his chest.
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Ah... I can see why you'd think that... but I'm not really like that. I have asked for naff all this xmas - I would rather we both save the money and have a kick ass holiday next year... I might still get him a new racing harness for his track car though (he has been a rather nice albian this year, and deserves something extra).
Submitted by supervixen (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:24:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"A Big Pile of Wank"
HAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
peed my pants
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll tell you what pisses me off. When you try and find out what a woman wants, and they go all 'oh anything' or 'i don't mind' or similar bullshit. Why are you making me guess? Why are you making it so difficult. Is loving you based on my ability to read your fucking mind? It is injust to put men under this pressure and then be surprised when they get something that they would like. Seriously, give us a fucking clue women. Stop being so fucking mysterious. It is *not* cute - it is just really fucking annoying.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The problem (as I have experienced it) between buying presents for men and women is what they tell you. A girl or girlfriend tells you to get "Something you think I would like." Well I know how good I feel when you make me a sandwich, and considering how few directives I got I don't understand why you are so pissed off when I gave you a loaf of bread and some lunch meat for christmas. IT SAVES YOU THE TIME OF GOING TO THE STORE!!!
Men are much easier. It's either something A) Sex related. Or B) They tell you out right what they want, no fucking around or else they might not get it exactly.
Example:
"I want the pimped out X-Box 360 with Call Of Duty 2 and Gun. CALL OF DUTY 2 is the one with the guy yelling on the cover. It's a world war 2 game. You know what here is a picture of it I printed out. And if you don't know what X-Box 360 is the pimped out one, it costs $400, not $300. Fuck that $300 piece of shit. GET ME MY PIMPED X-BOX!!! NOW!"
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:13:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know, that's why I keep rating you positivly.
Well, to a certain extent anyway. I feel that there's too much emphasis on the whole 'give and take' rather than the feelings behind it all. Sometimes I imagine you writing down every slight from your fella so you can have him make it up to you.
Your hearts in the right place though; the Albanians bound hands, close to his chest.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:07:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh bless you berty - take a look at some of my older posts and decide if I really believe in the ugly duckling charity shag theory, or the skanks and ho's lesson... if you get to "how to get some head" post (or whatever I called it) you'll have pretty much figured out that its all tongue in cheek men and women bashing.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 08:03:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I was talking like a woman I'd say something like "WOOO! That's the way to show him, yeah! Darn his socks, cook his food, clean up his mess but don't be taking no shit stabbing for less than a pearl, girlfriend!"
The only difference between men and women is anatomical. The rest of it is nothing more than a mask. An important one, of course, as other wise we foolish menfolk wouldn't be able to spot laydeees if men wore pink.
Seriously though, if you're only sucking dick and taking it from the rear when he buys you stuff then you've got serious problems.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2005-12-12 07:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 07:41:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
............. And they wear far too much perfume because he always comes home on Mondays smelling of it.
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HAhAhahahahaha - your owned!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 07:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha! I love how you make it sound like we have a choice about whether or not to give them head or take it in the bum!
Wait... what's that? We WHAT? I fucking WHAT?
Oh, it's on now. Wait until he gets home from teaching those lovely young women how to speak Dutch. He might be a dedicated teacher, but that's no excuse for subjecting me to his bestial lusts!
The effort he puts into his teaching is amazing, though, because those girls aren't very bright - he's been tutoring them for weeks and they still can't speak a word of Dutch, I know because I bumped into one at the mall yesterday and asked her how the lessons were going and first she looked blank and then she said "Oh! Yeah, uhm.... I'm still learning...."... honestly, these girls are so stupid. And they wear far too much perfume because he always comes home on Mondays smelling of it.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-12 07:36:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 07:16:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew you where going to say that. Opens up an interesting question; is the only reason men give presents to get their dicks wet?
No, he did it because he loves you and wants to make you happy. No strings attatched, no conditions. Love is not a commodity. Although saying that, did you do anything for him beyond suck his cock? Of course you did, you're not made out of stone.
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She probably did do more than suck his cock - but lets face it, that was the only bit he was interested.
Stop talking like a woman Berty - I'm finding it all very unsettling.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-12 07:31:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Of course it doesn't always work... sometimes a woman is a lesbian in hiding... or something, I don't know - I can't think of a reason why it wouldn't work, but there are always exceptions to the rules.
Berty, of course I'm not really like that... my boyfriend, thankfully, understands that I possess a warped sense of humour and that I practice sarcasm at every opportunity. He is very understanding of my personality... for the most part.
He also knows that I hate housework, I can't be trusted with power tools and I don't really "get" cars.
Although, for christmas last year he bought me rather expensive flooring for my living room... it was what I asked for, so it serves me right.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 07:16:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's just say, he was very pleased (physically too) with my demonstration of appreciativeness.
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I knew you where going to say that. Opens up an interesting question; is the only reason men give presents to get their dicks wet?
No, he did it because he loves you and wants to make you happy. No strings attatched, no conditions. Love is not a commodity. Although saying that, did you do anything for him beyond suck his cock? Of course you did, you're not made out of stone. You rewarded his love with love of your own. Not with this false ceremony. Not cheapened with some trashy gift.
It's all so vulgar. That's what I think anyway.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-12-12 07:08:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh wow...
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-12 07:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:39:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah. details forensic.
(like what you were wearing, who you were thinking about, etc.)
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:38:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:35:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious! Actually the sweetest thing I ever received was several CDs that my boyfriend burned for me. He compiled all my favorite tunes and did it in such a way that they followed a story/theme.
i was impressed with the effort. It was sweet.
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What happened?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let's just say, he was very pleased (physically too) with my demonstration of appreciativeness.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-12-12 07:00:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know this all sounds a bit shallow, but lets face it - you'll only be doing it for the sex and free housework, so you can't really complain.
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My wife had a figurative ton of jewelry and no storage. For Christmas two years back I bought an armoire and finished it to match the TV armoire and our dressers. I set up the inside of the upper section (2.5 ft high x 2.5 ft wide x 2 ft deep) of it with adjustable-intensity lighting (turns on when she opens the doors), pullout side panels, a glass shelf above the bottom pullout panel. Mirrors on the back and inside of the doors. On the pullout panels, all kinds of jewelry display hardware (like you'd see in a jewely store) - bracelet displays, necklace displays, ring displays, earring displays, all that stuff. Yes, I am an engineer with a workshop and I cannot leave anything alone.
She keeps all her gold on one side and silver on the other, rings all organized like she likes with the watches and bracelets and earrings and and hair clips and all below the glass shelf, and by adjusting the doors she can see 360 degrees around her head via the mirrors.
Add this to your list: for the woman who has everything: a place to put it.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Doesn't always work. You're funny.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:52:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading this made me thankful NOT to be in a relationship for once- a rare feeling indeed. So, umm, thanks.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:49:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not really like this are you Belle? Are you?
I always hope this is a cold hard shell built up by a little girl to hide her from the grey, plastic horror that was the 80's with it's plastic washing up stuff and the boys running around with bad hair wearing tracksuits and pissing on the electric fire.
God I hate the 80's, I can't think of one good thing about the 80's other than that they ended.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:47:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There were several giggle worthy lines in this, but the best was-
"9. A walkie talkie so that you don't have to shout to her in the kitchen "
That is just pure, unadulterated genius.
You bet your arse I'm going to Dixon's to buy a couple of those on my lunchbreak today.
"Ozzy to wench, Ozzy to wench. Do you read me wench? I need beer and pretzels, post haste."
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:43:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I can't think of any - and I'm a woman, so I should know."
Matter of opinion.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:35:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh Berty, I don't mind any of it so long as I get something expensive.
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I humbly beg that you right something about your amazing, OCD-eque love of housework so I can stop thinking of you as a drudge to some heavy looking man who drinks Skol or whisky with your dad. I worry you know.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah. details forensic.
(like what you were wearing, who you were thinking about, etc.)
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:38:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:35:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious! Actually the sweetest thing I ever received was several CDs that my boyfriend burned for me. He compiled all my favorite tunes and did it in such a way that they followed a story/theme.
i was impressed with the effort. It was sweet.
--------------
What happened?
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:35:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh Berty, I don't mind any of it so long as I get something expensive.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious! Actually the sweetest thing I ever received was several CDs that my boyfriend burned for me. He compiled all my favorite tunes and did it in such a way that they followed a story/theme.
i was impressed with the effort. It was sweet.
Submitted by knee (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:32:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"A Big Pile of Wank", -its funny cos its true
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:32:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate presents. I hate the very idea of presents. I'm inclined to hate you because of what you've written.
It's easy to forget that you spend an inappropriate time in the kitchen and respond by rationing oral sex rather than actually confronting your man about it or perhaps even moving on to a new relationship.
It's even easier to forget that women don't really develop adult feelings until their thirties, if they ever develop them at all.