The Joy of Married Sex (2785 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.53 on 62 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-12-12 09:06:23 EST
We've all heard the NoMarriage.com naysayers touting this tired old philsophy: "When you get married, the sex stops and she turns into a frigid cunt."
I'm making a stand, right here. I'm tired of the men who justify adultery with "My wife doesn't give me sex" and the women who think it's somehow their right to deprive their husband of sex when they don't get their own way. It doesn't have to be that way! No matter how busy you are, or how tired, there are always ways to bring intimacy and joy into your God-sanctioned marriage.
Scenario: You're sitting on the couch after a long day. Your wife is sitting on the other couch, eating fun-sized Snickers bars with a glazed and empty look of sugar-induced bliss on her porcine features. She's watching CSI with the kind of concentration she usually reserves for pork rinds. You're feeling frisky, but you know there's no way you'll be able to tear her corpulent ass off the couch long enough to service you.
Solution: She's fuckin' hypnotized by the TV - she's hardly going to turn around and see you. So ease your pork soldier out of his tent and caress yourself while picturing her being brutally gang-fucked by your favorite football team. See the way her mouth opens so she can wad another chunk of nougat in there? Turn that into a moan of shameful ecstasy. See how she scratches under her boob? She's wiping away the combined fuck-juice of the whole defensive line. With a little imagination, you can turn this into a sexual festival of unmitigated joy culminating in your solitary climax all over the stupid flowered couch cushions that she loves because her Mother gave them to her.
Scenario: Your husband is out with the boys, drinking at whatever watering hole the warthogs have defecated in and claimed as their territory this week. You just know he's going to come home all riled up and randy on account of the saggy-titted bleached blonde trout behind the bar who'll take off her top and rub ice on her nipples for $2 and a shot of Old Stumpy. How do you make it special?
Solution: Take a long hot bath and get yourself ready for lovin'. Shave those tree trunks you call legs and wipe the accumulated sweat-cheese out of your thigh creases. Pluck your chin hairs and putty over the worst of the wrinkles. Dress yourself in something sexy, something you know turns him on - perhaps his rugby shirt and a chef's hat. Greet him at the door when he staggers in, smelling like beer and cheap tequila and faintly of urine, and kiss him right before he passses the fuck out in a pool of his own foul liquor-rich vomit. Tomorrow, he'll vaguely remember you making an effort and you get the closeness and love of a sexual relationship with none of the sticky fluid exchanges.
Scenario: Your wife confesses to having fantasized about being seduced by a sexy stranger, and she wants to roleplay this fantasy with you. You have doubts about your ability to make this event as special as it could be, and you desperately want to please her because, frankly, NOT pleasing her is the fastest way known to Have A Very Bad Day.
Solution: Trust in the love and closeness you have with your wife. Remember all the little details you know about her, all the yes-spots that just blow her mind. Make a list of these and give the list to the actor you hire to wear a skimask and fuck the guts out of her.
So, you see, marriage CAN be a thrilling, sexually satisfying journey that you take together, in love and harmony. But it usually isn't, so improvise.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-15 20:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"rugby shirt and a chef's hat"
circe knows
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-13 17:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for nougat
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-12-12 23:33:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh...yuck.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-12-12 20:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful, just beautiful.
Reading this is like finding a diamond lost in the slagheap.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-12 20:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ugh.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-12 19:40:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:58:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
My hubby and I have more sex now than before we were married.
I think guys just bitch about the whole "no sex" thing because it's a "guy" thing to bitch about. If they spout on and on about how much knob their wife sucks, the other menz might get ideas and try to take the wifey away from him. So, as a defensive tactic, the hubby makes his wife out to be as undesirable as possible, so no other menz would want to tap that shit.
Just my theory.
===========================
Nah, it happens.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-12-12 19:20:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-12-12 18:34:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:23:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
Hmmm.
Gross and depressing.
The fuck of it is, I love being married. It's the most fun I've ever had in my life, spending every day with this awesome human being. But nobody wants to hear that shit. This is uber. So disgusting bodily functions and tongue-in-cheek stereotyped characterizations, here we come.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-12-12 18:28:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where are these randy men and why do I always find the libidoless ones?
haha did I just make up a new word??
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2005-12-12 14:02:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very good. thanks.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-12-12 13:42:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You had me at sweat-cheese...
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My hubby and I have more sex now than before we were married.
I think guys just bitch about the whole "no sex" thing because it's a "guy" thing to bitch about. If they spout on and on about how much knob their wife sucks, the other menz might get ideas and try to take the wifey away from him. So, as a defensive tactic, the hubby makes his wife out to be as undesirable as possible, so no other menz would want to tap that shit.
Just my theory.
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Make a list of these and give the list to the actor you hire to wear a skimask and fuck the guts out of her. "
Hell yeah!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:23:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I found this rather ordinary.
Not, I'm not sorry for my rating.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:17:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As a member of the married sector of Uber, I must say that you hit it right on the head!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:58:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was expecting a blank post.
suppose this is better.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 Snickers and CSI.
er....
nevermind.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*gag*
<puts down large fries and second BigMac>
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Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:09:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe-- yeah, the next time you're in the store looking at sex toys... don't picture them being used by voluptuous bombshells or little petite vixens. Think about the people you see waiting in line at McDonalds for another 2 BigMac lunch. Those are the people who have to be buying those toys for the company to stay in business.
Kind of takes some of the glamour out of it...
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:45:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We've all heard the NoMarriage.com naysayers touting this tired old philsophy: "When you get married, the sex stops and she turns into a frigid cunt."
Pffft. It's never going to happen to me. You know why? Because I make an effort to *already* be a frigid cunt. That way, it isn't a nasty suprise to anyone.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:39:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:57:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:31:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:16:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
Pokey, it's okay. I know you're running scared on account of my skillz.
======================================================================
"Skillz?"
Since when did Australians start talking like American Niggers?
I'll take you AND "Thumper" on any time, whore-dog.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:30:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:16:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:12:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
You can cheat at Scrabble with ANY word, as long as you know the definition.
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Too much to remember.
-----------------------
Who remembers? I'm talking about improvisation, and, uh, lying.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:16:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pokey, it's okay. I know you're running scared on account of my skillz.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:12:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
You can cheat at Scrabble with ANY word, as long as you know the definition.
-----------------------
Too much to remember.
Best way to win at scrabble is to memorize all the 2 letter words featuring the 'Z' and the 'Q' and the 'X'. Then you just take your chances with everything else.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:15:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:15:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Huggles.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:09:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe-- yeah, the next time you're in the store looking at sex toys... don't picture them being used by voluptuous bombshells or little petite vixens. Think about the people you see waiting in line at McDonalds for another 2 BigMac lunch. Those are the people who have to be buying those toys for the company to stay in business.
Kind of takes some of the glamour out of it...
____________
I think I took the glamour out of it with "Honey, this is Thumper. He's going to live with us."
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't read the post yet, but I already know how to fix depression...
...you drag everyone else down to your level, and then you're no longer 'depressed'. Hell, if you bring them down far enough, you'll actually be 'elevated'.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it's cool that you can take something sexual and make it kind of funny. Right now I need a few laughs.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:12:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can cheat at Scrabble with ANY word, as long as you know the definition.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:11:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was.....erm.....graphic.
But it still retained that subtle hint of sarcasm that all your posts have.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I was stroking my John Henry as I read this.
He's exhausted and spent.
Thanks, whore.
Sorry I missed you for Pool last night.
I was passed out drunk in a local jail cell.
Masturbating.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:10:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:04:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
And being married rocks, by the way.
It's all the sex with none of the annoying small talk,
and you already know what the other person likes on their pizza.
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Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:09:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shit, Berty! I was in the car the other day with my sister and the roof of the car above my head is covered in cat hairs... nowhere else, just above my head... I'm worried because there's never been a cat in the car.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:09:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe-- yeah, the next time you're in the store looking at sex toys... don't picture them being used by voluptuous bombshells or little petite vixens. Think about the people you see waiting in line at McDonalds for another 2 BigMac lunch. Those are the people who have to be buying those toys for the company to stay in business.
Kind of takes some of the glamour out of it...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:07:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And how they have their coffee and which words you can cheat at Scrabble with, and which parts of the movie will make them laugh so hard you can steal all the Doritos, and exactly where to nudge them in the back to make them give you all the blankets whithout ever waking up.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always felt that there should be more licking.
In other news, I appear to be malting. My desk is covered in hair.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:04:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And being married rocks, by the way.
It's all the sex with none of the annoying small talk,
and you already know what the other person likes on their pizza.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 10:00:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote - Oh damn, man, that's just nasty. All those dull eyed doughy smelly irritating stupid cretins are breeding.... and licking each other.... oh god I feel sick.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:59:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:50:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it. I laughed me ass off. Early Monday morning fun with cliched stereotypes is good for the brain.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:59:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We've all heard the NoMarriage.com naysayers touting this tired old philsophy: "When you get married, the sex stops and she turns into a frigid cunt."
------------------
Thanks for promoting my website you frigid c.... c....
fuck it I can't do it!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:56:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where did you say that bar was again?
I wanna see the trout with the nipples-- and here I always thought fishing was boring.
You've been at the mall, Christmas shopping, and realizing that the very selfsame
people who are obnoxious, loud, ugly, stupid, selfish and shallow at the mall go
home to people just as obnoxious, loud, ugly, stupid, selfish and shallow and
actually... touch... *shudders*... haven't you?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:55:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:52:56 (#)
Ranking: -1
i got as far as god sactioned marriage.
__________
Yeah.... ok.
Berty - My purpose on this earth is fulfilled.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:54:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:45:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
I, too, am getting that impression, Berty....
---------------
Well I had my fun and that's all that matters.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:52:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
i got as far as god sactioned marriage.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:50:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it. I laughed me ass off. Early Monday morning fun with cliched stereotypes is good for the brain.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:45:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I, too, am getting that impression, Berty....
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think they got the joke Lyn. :(
Submitted by stuckfix (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:37:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your wife is sitting on the other couch, eating fun-sized Snickers bars with a glazed and empty look of sugar-induced bliss on her porcine features. She's watching CSI with the kind of concentration she usually reserves for pork rinds. You're feeling frisky, but you know there's no way you'll be able to tear her corpulent ass off the couch long enough to service you.
See the way her mouth opens so she can wad another chunk of nougat in there? Turn that into a moan of shameful ecstasy. See how she scratches under her boob?
--------------------------------
I like that the woman comes out the lesser person in this post. I mean, really! Men get the short end of the stick with the whole housewife thing. It's like, I get to go to work for 8-12 hours a day, busting my hump to bring home the bacon, while my wife sits at home and MAYBE does the dishes. All the while she's slowly slipping away from the size 4 she was when we got married and gradually becoming this fat sack of shit that has the sexual appeal of tarted up corndog.
I'm not married, but from everything I've heard, I don't want to be. Unless I can sneak a 'fat' clause into the pre-nup.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:35:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Gross =(
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:35:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am suddenly unattracted to the female body because of your descriptions.
......
Although the unattraction was temporary.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THat thing Brdn wrote about his wife was gross and depressing, this is just funny 'cause it's semi true.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:26:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What wonderfull images you paint.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:23:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hmmm.
Gross and depressing.
The fuck of it is, I love being married. It's the most fun I've ever had in my life, spending every day with this awesome human being. But nobody wants to hear that shit. This is uber. So disgusting bodily functions and tongue-in-cheek stereotyped characterizations, here we come.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't say that you weren't forewarned, kids. This is what you have to become.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:21:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was going to be a 'turn on' post. I'm hung like a chipmunk in freezing weather after reading this. Not your best work but alright.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this is so depressing. i smiled but i frowned too.
Submitted by nate (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:16:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
gross!