My Friend, The Fuck-Up (1321 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: -2 on 2 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mr. Sparkle (View user info) at 2005-12-12 09:38:18 EST
You know how it's almost inevitable that you will talk about really weird and awkward things with your friends, but that in the end, it turns out you both think the exact same way? For example, you get into a conversation about your attempts to suck yourself off. After the awkward entry to the subject, it turns out you aren't weird as fuck; your friend has tried to suck his own, too.
OK, that was a nasty example. Suck it up (har har). Getting back to the point, no matter how bizarre or grotesque a concept you cover in your banter, no matter how embarrassing it is to discuss, you eventually discover that the two of you think the same.
Oh, how I wish that were so.
Like any other conversation along these lines, how we got onto the topic is still unknown. However, the subject shifted onto the movie "Cruel Intentions." The question arose: if each of us had a sister, even if she's not a biological sister, as hot as Kathryn/Sarah Michelle Gellar, would we fuck her? The obvious answer is no, right?
...Right?
First, let me give you a synopsis of Bob's character (this isn't his real name; it's just too embarrassing for me to even put his real name here). He has a girlfriend back in Texas (we're currently up north for school) who, in the earlier part of the school year, he was frantically trying to break up with, because, as everyone knows, long distance relationships seldom work (our friend Andrew tells Bob he has a Stage II clinger on his hands; I think this was stolen from "Wedding Crashers"). This is all fair; I probably wouldn't want to go out with someone over 800 miles away most of the year. However, in November, she came up, they shoved me out of the room, and unceremoniously fucked each other dirty 7 times.
For a week after this, Bob was really pleased that he stayed with her, but this all faded when the scent of her vaginal fluid faded from his pillowcase. Now, he's debating whether or not to resume the breakup attempts. For winter break when he goes back to Texas, he initially was going to stay with her at her house (and, I imagine, they were going to fuck each other silly for a month), but obviously, if he breaks up and she's all clingy, it'll be too awkward. He mentioned, however that going back to Texas wouldn't be a complete loss, because he has a cheerleader lined up that he's pretty sure wants his cock deep in her salty love-hole. Man, he's a hell of a guy. Now let's see what his view on incest is:
Bob: I can't believe you haven't seen Cruel Intentions, Sarah Michelle Gellar is HOT!
George: You really do need to see it.
Me: I never see movies. It's a curse, I'm afraid.
Bob: (Googles the movie cover) Here, this is the cover of the movie.
Me: (investigating) She is pretty hot. I concur.
Bob: Man, if you had a sister that hot, would you fuck her?
Me: Well, I certainly wouldn't fuck my SISTER; rather, I would fuck Sarah Michelle Gellar.
George: Yeah, man...fucking of the sisters...that would be pretty un-cool.
Bob: I don't know, man, if I had a hot sister, I'd just get her on the pill, wear a condom, and it's guilt free!
Me: ...Dude. That's incest.
Bob: Not if you don't knock her up.
George: Dude, you would fuck your SISTER.
Bob: So?
Me: Dude. You would FUCK your SISTER.
A little explicit for my taste, but then again, incest isn't in my taste no matter how you slice it. Perhaps the state public relations committee in Texas would be very annoyed for me to announce that Bob is, in fact, a good ole boy from Texas. Between guys like this and Bush, they really have their hands full. MY FRIEND WOULD FUCK HIS (hypothetical) SISTER. I don't think I can emphasize enough what this means. And things only got worse when he started defending what he said:
Bob: Dude, it's completely OK.
Me: No, it's not; it's incest!
Bob: Dude, animals do it, why can't we?
George: The whole thing is, Bob, I'm pretty sure they don't.
Me: Bob, listen to me, WE ARE NOT ANIMALS! This is one crucial thing that separates us from them!
Bob: I'm telling you, it's totally natural! Just go with it, dude!
Me: Dude, not fucking cool, I actually HAVE a sister! I would NEVER DREAM of fucking my sister!
Bob: Come on, man, imagine just coming home from school and getting some, guilt-free.
George: Guilt-free?!?
Oh my fucking God.
User Reviews
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:46:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I was going to put a +1 and relate a short story I read that basically was an explanation as to why the author thought incest (without procreation) is okay. But then I scrolled down. -2 fucker, put NSFW on there from now on.
Submitted by nate (user info) at 2005-12-12 09:38:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
NSFW