Date A Chick With A Kid! (3541 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.82 on 72 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike00295 (View user info) at 2005-12-12 11:46:38 EST
I posted this here first---> http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=1852&SectionID=11
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As I grow older and more dashing, I tend to run into more and more single women who have had the misfortune of bearing a child. Many people are hesitant to become romantically involved with a chick with a kid. But speaking from personal experience, don't knock it, as they say, until you've tried it.
Of course there's a downside to dating a woman in this situation, namely, Corey. Obviously, children suck and should be avoided at all costs. The kid might want you to talk to it, or it might crap itself, or walk in and interrupt when his mom is giving you a killer hummer. That's no good. Additionally, kids are generally sticky and smell like a combination of apple juice, maple syrup and piss. You also might have to pretend to like the kid in order to trick your mom-girlfriend into thinking that you're a decent person. That means you have to take him to the zoo or do a shitty magic trick in front of him. You also might get stuck shuttling him to the hospital if he falls out of something high, because kids are always falling out of shit. All of these things are admittedly a huge pain in the ass. But the perks to dating a mom are manifold and often overlooked. Here are just a few:
Advantage 1- INSECURITY
A chick with a kid knows she's on thin ice. She has a handicap going into the relationship. The whole kid situation turns a lot of guys off, and she knows this from experience. This has effectively lowered her standards in men, thereby admitting persons like myself and you into her realm of possible acceptable mates. Jackpot!
Another example of this sort of relationship is the Black Guy/Fat White Girl coupling that so often takes place. There is a huge misconception that black men find fat white girls somehow more attractive than slender white girls, and this myth has been perpetuated in countless movies and Fox TV shows to meager comedic effect. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Black men don't prefer fat girls, they just recognize that they are infinitely more attainable. The relationship is mutualistic because fat girls want to be loved and held and complimented, just like real girls do. African American men are more than willing to perform these duties so long as their efforts are repaid with consistent intercourse. Everybody wins!
But I digress. Let's get back to hooking up with moms.
There's a defining moment during the advent of every chick with a kid relationship in which she breaks it to you that she's a package deal. She usually tries to slide it in there casually so it doesn't sound as much like an admission as a point of pride. But we're not fooled. "Oh my son loves this song", she might say nonchalantly. This is where men who are feint of heart find an excuse to drift away from the scene, using clever excuses like, "I have to go, my ride is leaving" or "I'm sorry, I didn't know that you were used goods. I'm off to find someone without a car-seat." But to people like myself, that vocalized revelation sounds like a dinner bell, beckoning us to a delicious and affordable banquet of desperation. Because moms aim to please.
Advantage 2- RELIABILITY
You pretty much always know where a mom is, which is nice for us jealous types. It's hard for a mom to have too much of a life outside of her kid, because children selfishly monopolize a lot of your time. They always have to be taken to the dentist or soccer practice or therapy because the kid's dad moved to Austin with his band and didn't call the kid on his birthday. And though this is tragic in regards to the child's young and fragile psyche, it's great news for you. Because this means that if your mom-girlfriend is not with you, she's probably with her kid. Unless she's a really shitty mom, in which case the kid is at her mom's house and she's at T.G.I.Friday's Happy Hour crushing half-priced 22 ounce drafts and smoking Camel Lights. But you still know where she's at.
Advantage 3- UNFLAPPABILITY
It is all but impossible to gross out a mom. They've seen it all. Let me put this in perspective for you. Say you're messing around with a non-mom girl and things are getting hot and heavy and you're both really into it, and then you accidentally do something gross like tear ass. This will most likely ruin the mood. She will probably become disgusted with you and tell you to get off of her and put it away. But not with a mom. Moms have been in every possible gross situation you can imagine. Toxic diapers, gaping wounds, projectile vomiting. You name it. They even had a little person come out of their vagina. Now that's gross! What I'm saying is that a little gas isn't going to scare her off by any means. They're just so happy to experience physical contact with someone over seven that they'll fight right through that shit. In fact, when it comes to moms, I feel fairly certain that you could get completely wasted and throw up all over their faces and they would simply dry you off and say, "Did somebody have too many Heinekens? Who had too many Heinekens?"
Advantage 4- SNACKS
There's a pretty good chance that your mom-girlfriend has some Teddy Grahams or at least a Fruit by the Foot in her purse at any given time. Score!
So you see? Dating a mom is the way to go! They're nurturing and warm, and can often be surprisingly adventurous in the bedroom. Plus, if nothing else, there are usually juiceboxes in the fridge.
It's almost too easy...
User Reviews
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-15 08:41:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-12 20:10:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad you found your niche!
Personally, I think it's a disaster to date single moms. I came to this conclusion after watching many of my male friends run screaming for their lives from these single moms. When I asked them what had happened, they whispered in trembling voices that the moms were trying to make them Billy's Next Daddy.
Dudes, that's creepy.
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It's actually rather flattering. They're basically saying "I want you to be the father of my actual child", not 'hypothetical child' who is merely a concept that they don't have any real feelings for, the actual child they love and cherish above everything else.
Seriously, I can't actually think of a higher compliment.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-12-14 13:12:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:54:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Best quotes ever:
The kid might want you to talk to it, or it might crap itself, or walk in and interrupt when his mom is giving you a killer hummer.
The relationship is mutualistic because fat girls want to be loved and held and complimented, just like real girls do.
I feel fairly certain that you could get completely wasted and throw up all over their faces and they would simply dry you off and say, "Did somebody have too many Heinekens? Who had too many Heinekens?"
They're nurturing and warm, and can often be surprisingly adventurous in the bedroom. Plus, if nothing else, there are usually juiceboxes in the fridge.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:44:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 snacks
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-12-13 18:01:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
because fat girls want to be loved and held and complimented, just like real girls do
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-13 17:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-12-13 16:56:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
"...fat girls want to be loved and held and complimented, just like real girls do."
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Brutal.
I cringed and laughed at the same time.
;l;lgdjspoarhgopr
your usual high quality
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-13 17:46:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so good and accurate, that I could have sworn that I probably wrote it.
Submitted by Azk (user info) at 2005-12-13 17:16:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aight...but your still getting sloppy seconds.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-12-13 16:56:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...fat girls want to be loved and held and complimented, just like real girls do."
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Brutal.
I cringed and laughed at the same time.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-13 12:01:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My boyfriend used to date chicks with kids... he said he liked that they would always be in when he'd been to the pub and fancied a bit of hows your father when it was chucking out time.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-13 10:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I weren't so lazy, I would do a paradoy about Dating a woman with kids- the DISADVANTAGES
Instead, I'll outline it here for others to pursue.
1) Big Beaver (not the road in MI)
2) Kid comes first ALWAYS
3) Baby talk
Someone run with this please
Submitted by katianakate (user info) at 2005-12-13 09:16:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You just described me. I am a single mum of a 3 year old. A good sex session every now and then is great. I now have a boyfriend and he gets good sex, fed and not pestered when he is busy (because I am fucking busy attending to the needs of my kid). Sex is either snatched or luxurious but the kid provides in built variety depending on whether she is asleep in her room or at her nana's. I have my own grown up independent life that won't be subsumed into some guy, and it is a great excuse for maintaining all the things I like in my life and just adding in some sex and company.
I would never try to make a man my daughter's daddy. She has one, a piece of shit for a dad already. My boyfriend has to spend time with her to spend time with me, but he gets his rewards... Because the only relaxation single mothers have time for is sex, because sex really isn't a treat but a requirement of life. Plus once you have had a 36cm circumference head come out of yourself and you taught your muscles back to shape you have a hell of an insight "into" yourself and your own pleasure...
What you wrote was funny and realistic (as well as cynical!)
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2005-12-13 08:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SNACKS!!!
Submitted by thinning_temples (user info) at 2005-12-13 04:26:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-12-13 02:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
I'm dating a mom... and she NEVER has any God damn Teddy Grahams or snacks in her fucking purse.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-12-12 21:08:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves +2s for some awesome lines.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2005-12-12 20:42:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The relationship is mutualistic because fat girls want to be loved and held and complimented, just like real girls do"
+2 for this line alone
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-12-12 20:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-12 20:10:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad you found your niche!
Personally, I think it's a disaster to date single moms. I came to this conclusion after watching many of my male friends run screaming for their lives from these single moms. When I asked them what had happened, they whispered in trembling voices that the moms were trying to make them Billy's Next Daddy.
Dudes, that's creepy.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2005-12-12 19:11:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"There's a pretty good chance that your mom-girlfriend has some Teddy Grahams or at least a Fruit by the Foot in her purse at any given time."
This is BY FAR the biggest advantage to dating a mom. Ever.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-12-12 18:53:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww shit, this is gold.
Submitted by Havoc (user info) at 2005-12-12 18:26:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking grade a!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-12 18:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-12 17:34:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-12 17:33:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! Told ya. Let me guess - she called you drunk off her ass at 2 AM and asked if she could come over."""
No, she told me to come over and baited with pretty sick stuff. But she was indeed drunk when I arrived there. he tried to lick my asshole, I'm not kidding. :-/ I think she's a tad bit too much slutty for me.
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"he tried..." should "SHE tried..."
NOT a good typo!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-12 17:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! Told ya. Let me guess - she called you drunk off her ass at 2 AM and asked if she could come over."""
No, she told me to come over and baited with pretty sick stuff. But she was indeed drunk when I arrived there. he tried to lick my asshole, I'm not kidding. :-/ I think she's a tad bit too much slutty for me.
Submitted by rcchristi (user info) at 2005-12-12 17:21:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Chicks with kids prefer to get butt fucked. Point: you.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-12 17:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-12 16:57:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait a minute Caul, I thought you said you DO NOT do this - are still with that one chick where the kid tried walking in on you but the door was locked, from a couple of months ago? """
Well, we're dating. :-/ The kid loves me. And I'm already fed up. I dumped her this weekend but she tricked me into sex again.
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HA! Told ya. Let me guess - she called you drunk off her ass at 2 AM and asked if she could come over.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-12 16:57:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait a minute Caul, I thought you said you DO NOT do this - are still with that one chick where the kid tried walking in on you but the door was locked, from a couple of months ago? """
Well, we're dating. :-/ The kid loves me. And I'm already fed up. I dumped her this weekend but she tricked me into sex again.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-12-12 16:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Allright, this cracked me up. Bravo.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-12 15:41:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-12 14:09:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:19:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:09:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm dating a chick with a kid right now and this is all very true!
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Caul loves me for my fruit snacks!
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You have a kid?
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I wouldn't say have.... More like stole... or permanently borrowed.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-12 15:31:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:09:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm dating a chick with a kid right now and this is all very true!
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Wait a minute Caul, I thought you said you DO NOT do this - are still with that one chick where the kid tried walking in on you but the door was locked, from a couple of months ago?
Otherwise, this post is pretty much spot on, good job, dude!
Submitted by parzival (user info) at 2005-12-12 14:51:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-12-12 14:35:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Did somebody have too many Heinekens? Who had too many Heinekens?"
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-12 14:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
African American men are more than willing to perform these duties so long as their efforts are repaid with consistent intercourse. Everybody wins!
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-12 14:09:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:19:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:09:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm dating a chick with a kid right now and this is all very true!
----------------------
Caul loves me for my fruit snacks!
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You have a kid?
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-12 14:01:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now a chick who has a kid that has a kid...that is reason to celebrate!
+2 for GILF's!
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-12-12 13:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The best thing about chicks with kids:
You can bet she'll swallow next time.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-12-12 13:57:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah i've been meeting those girls recently myself.
Submitted by EvilGav (user info) at 2005-12-12 13:56:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, so true.
You only missed out that, due to a lack of social life, they get wasted on half a bottle of wine. Score.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-12 13:48:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sarcasm is a helluva drug.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-12-12 13:36:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why this doesn't have a higher rating, this was great.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-12 13:29:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 MILF's!!
I just got MILFHUNTER tatooed on my back.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2005-12-12 13:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
single moms want two things: more money and really just to fuck you.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-12-12 13:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In my experience a chick with a kid is really good at accepting rejection. So, when you're tired of fucking her, say: "I'm tired of fucking you." She'll understand and stop calling you. Bonus.
Another coolness about poor single moms: They can cook.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-12-12 13:10:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I concur
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-12 13:03:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I would rate this higher, but it is suspiciously similar to the movie "About a boy" so you only get a +1.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:56:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:55:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious as allways pal.
Oh yeah I almost forgot
<Clears Throat>
13-0 baby! w00t! w00t!
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:53:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stuckfix (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:56:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
"The relationship is mutualistic because fat girls want to be loved and held and complimented, just like real girls do."
That statement alone is worth +2.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"used goods" haha.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
some funny lines, but I think you have some unresolved issues with yo mama.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:40:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha this was great. But just so you know, I don't have any kids, and my husband farts on me, near me and in me if he could, all of the time. Payback is a bitch when I eat falafel though.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:36:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fanfuckingtastic!
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:34:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA, This was fucking great!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:31:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot to mention that if you manage to woo a woman who JUST birthed a baby, you'll get the added bonus of fresh teatmilk whenever you want. Hell, if you play your cards right you can even nurse on a pap right next to the little one while your fingers stir her recently-stretched honeypot.
JACKPOT!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:19:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:09:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm dating a chick with a kid right now and this is all very true!
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Caul loves me for my fruit snacks!
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:09:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:09:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"she's at T.G.I.Friday's Happy Hour crushing half-priced 22 ounce drafts and smoking Camel Lights. But you still know where she's at."
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:09:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm dating a chick with a kid right now and this is all very true!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Semi-true.
And no, I don't know from experience.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:02:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Being a guy that's dated a mom with a kid, there ARE certain things that just jump out at you and make things better than normal chicks. For instance, not having sex for a long time because they won't just welcome any stranger to be around their kid. Once you release their sexual tiger from the cage of child care and changing diapers, they are freaky. Also, they cook like a mother fucker. I gained 10 pound within the first couple of months because she was always trying to feed me. Laundry is another issue that a single guy no longer has to worry about as well.
Submitted by Quale (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:01:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The relationship is mutualistic because fat girls want to be loved and held and complimented, just like real girls do.
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This sentence alone cracked me up. Fat girls = not real girls. Shame about the numerous spelling errors. Yeah, bite me, I like my SPG to be perfect.
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:00:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"There's a pretty good chance that your mom-girlfriend has some Teddy Grahams or at least a Fruit by the Foot in her purse at any given time. Score! "
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 12:00:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All true.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:57:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Sorry for the negative rating (I wanted to -2 it but that would've been too mean), but I didn't even have to read this post to know that the sentiment is heinously mistaken.
My reason?
7am. Hangover from hell. Two under-fives running into the room screaming and jumping on your head. Repeat for several hours until you've got your morning sex and plucked up the strength to leave.
Never again.
Submitted by stuckfix (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:56:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The relationship is mutualistic because fat girls want to be loved and held and complimented, just like real girls do."
That statement alone is worth +2.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some good stuff in here. The second paragraph was especially amusing.
I don't know about dating a woman with a kid though. You make a solid case, but there's something about kids that just makes me want to run for the hills, curl up in the foetal position and suck my thumb.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:55:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
er, "god" = "good".
my bad.
(is anyone else out there thinking, "ALL THE TIME!"?)
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:55:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very solid.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:54:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good call.
but one of the chicks in that pic is borderline beastly. all of the parts look god, but they were put together in the wrong order.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-12 11:47:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus, if nothing else, there are usually juiceboxes in the fridge.