The Grey Man (523 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.5 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fabit (View user info) at 2005-12-13 08:30:17 EST
"I haven't slept in hours. When will I next sleep? Maybe I've been awake so long now that I don't need to sleep?"
These were the thoughts that filled his mind as his left and right feet fought for pole position in their staggering race.
He had been walking for 4 days now. He had run out of food 2 days ago and he new that he only had a few sips of water left. He hadn't stopped except to get food out of his Haversack and had no time for sleep.
He knew he had to get there. He had to get there now and his sore feet could never have carried him fast enough to match the urgency deep seated in his mind. The letter had made it quite clear he was needed now but what could he do?
A familiar sense of helplessness swamped his thoughts again and he struggled to hold back the tears. The monotonousness of his surroundings had worn him down more than the constant walking. Walking slips into a rhythm, where you no longer think about the pain in your heels and calves, and you no longer think about the haversack rubbing one shoulder your legs keep going and your mind keeps whistling that same familiar tune.
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His hand dropped to his side and felt the comforting hard cold steel by his side. He hadn't used them in years but he still kept them oiled and sharp. He was a tall man of just over 6ft. With broad-ish shoulders, shoulder length dirty blonde hair and grey eyes he was nothing spectacular to look at. Nobody would ever say he was ugly but he didn't jump out of the crowd. He had always been quite happy with that. The Grey man he had joked with himself.
His wife (God Bless Her Soul) had always told him he was the most handsome fella in West Juont and he had always smiled and said yes dear. He knew she had always meant it.
Back when he was a younger man, (man the lord he was only 41 now - but the desert winds don't do much but wear a mans bones down) his friends would mock his short steel blades be he had loved them since he had first acquired them. About 2 ft long in total, the blades were only 1 and ½ feet themselves, but the simple leather bound grips had fit into his hand perfectly, and the weight of the razor sharp blades had made him feel like his arms were roughly 2 feet longer each.
All mean had laughed but not many had challenged, and those that had stumbled up to him so clumsily with there massive broadswords had soon learnt a lesson in speed and precision. Sometimes - even The Grey man can be singled out.
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He crested what was to be the last of a million rolling hills on his journey and paused to look at the endless desert in front of him as he had some many time these past 4 days. Except this time it was different. Only a keen eye would have seen it. Normal city folk would have never noticed (too used to looking close up I suppose) the small glint in the distance. The Grey man saw it. He saw it and breathed a deep sigh of finality. That small speck was the town he was headed for, now only hours away.
The legs find it easier to cope with an end in sight.
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He neared the town and the shape of the horizon sent his memory spiralling into the past. Many moons had been spent here and he could almost remember when that view was a welcoming sight. Before the new order.
He saw an abandoned (or so he hoped) shack a few miles outside of the town. The urgency in his mind screamed for him to go on into the town but he knew well enough that tired bodies set about necessary actions with bad spirits - and that would do no one any good. He checked the well at the rear of the shack and there was a rotting bucket tied on decomposing rope. This hadn't been used in year but thirty throats don't get choosey so he dropped the bucket down. He waited for a second and heard a hopeful splash.
After pulling some water he set some snares and laid down his head on his haversack. It would seem he had earned at least one more sleep then.
With his blades held close to his chest he nodded off. Pushing the thoughts of tomorrow out. After all, that was tomorrow, wasn't it.
The Grey Man Slept.
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Perhaps a part two when i've finished it.
User Reviews
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-13 18:48:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fabit, This is a good read, and, I find myself intrigued to read more. Find a way to break up the use of he and his, use other styles to smooth it out and you have a strong story line.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-12-13 18:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is quite good, id like to read more.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-12-13 12:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Back when he was a younger man, (man the lord he was only 41 now - but the desert winds don't do much but wear a mans bones down) his friends would mock his short steel blades be he had loved them since he had first acquired them. About 2 ft long in total, the blades were only 1 and ½ feet themselves, but the simple leather bound grips had fit into his hand perfectly, and the weight of the razor sharp blades had made him feel like his arms were roughly 2 feet longer each"
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The story was good, that paragraph was horrible.
The constant stream of spelling errors really detracted from the tale.
Though having "thirty throats" is an interesting concept.
I felt this deserved an honest review.
Write the second part.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-13 11:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright, but needs a hefty dose of the red pen.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-12-13 09:56:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-13 09:48:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
i actually did think of the gunslinger, and then there's another book by steven king called like the long walk or something that i thought of. still liked it though.
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The Long Walk was excellent. It was one of the Bachman books.
Good story by the way, sir
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-13 09:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i actually did think of the gunslinger, and then there's another book by steven king called like the long walk or something that i thought of. still liked it though.
Submitted by Trevor1st93 (user info) at 2005-12-13 09:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When are you going to start the next photoshop competition?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-13 09:14:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.literaturecollection.com/a/london/257/
Aforementioned text
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-13 09:11:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what it could be? Your use of pronouns. There are a lot of 'he's and 'his's.
Before when I read it, I thought that if you were confronted with a few pages of it, it would start being uncomfortable, and chapters would drive you crazy style.
Jack London wrote something about two men walking across northern America and freezing to death which had some similar tones. It was nicely written, but there were shifts to other perspectives, and studies of the animals and surrounding environment. It broke up the 'he crawled agonisingly to the next hill' bits.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-12-13 09:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
After reading it again does anyone else think it sounds a bit pretentious?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-13 09:00:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good - but I suspect too much of this style would annoy me.
erm, Snow Crash has a bloke with two swords in it. Just for your interest. It's an ok book.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-12-13 08:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-13 08:50:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Some dude wrote a series like that. If the name returns to me I'll let you know.
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I was worried people would think i was plagiarising The Gunslinger by Stephen King. It's not that similar i suppose.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-13 08:50:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some dude wrote a series like that. If the name returns to me I'll let you know.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-12-13 08:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I didn't get what you meant by 'sometimes even the grey man can be singled out'. I assumed you meant something about him distinguishing himself but it wasn't very clear."
I thought whilst writing it that people might not get that bit to me it meant that although he hapily faded into the background, still people might single him and try him - no matter how hard you try and go unnoticed.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-12-13 08:46:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It is a cowboy. It's strange but in my head i've always liked the idea of a worl where people dress cowboy style but still carry a sword on them instead of a gun. Strange but it's awesome in my head. That picture showed exactly what i was thinking so i used it.
Submitted by KillerCowz (user info) at 2005-12-13 08:45:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
make you want to keep reading
make a part 2 good story
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-13 08:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved the story. If there is a part 2 it'd be ace to hear more of the guys thoughts. You've not really explored the charachter yet, not that that was your intent of course.
Incidently, why did you put that picture there? It's a cowboy, yet the bloke plays with swords. Also you used 'mean' instead of men near the top. I didn't get what you meant by 'sometimes even the grey man can be singled out'. I assumed you meant something about him distinguishing himself but it wasn't very clear.