I think I want to be a dominatrix (761 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: -1.1 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Greg Webb <trunks_gw.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-12-13 12:34:18 EST
I think I want to be a dominatrix...
I've been looking for a career change for some time now, and I think this is finally it for me.
I never knew what I wanted to do with my life, but I know I'm very bossy and I like to help people. I think it could be my dream job.
I could have been a doctor or a nurse, but if I'm totally honest, I don't like diseased body parts and I don't really 'do' cleaning up.
This is where if you look at my new venture, you'll see how well suited I am to it.
Forget what I look like - this is all an issue of what I'm good at.
I like to tell people what to do.
I like to express my anger when people don't do what I tell them.
I don't like cleaning.
I like to have other people clean for me.
I have a large selection of horse equipment (I do actually have horses).
I love boots.
I'm not blonde, and so the scraped back hair and blood red lips will suit me.
I'm not that stupid, and could hold a conversation with a judge or top ranking policeman.
I like helping people.
I like lots of money.
You see, normally money and helping people doesn't go hand in hand. But in the sex industry they're best friends. The better you help someone the more you get.
And forget the sexual side of things - men who like to be dominated aren't necessarily bothered by the sex.
I won't even offer sex - what I will offer is complete and utter domination at £200 an hour - with your own choice of fully sanitised dildo to shove up your arse whilst you get down on your hands and knees, naked (except for an apron), and clean my house with your toothbrush.
I'll even expand at a later date and get a butt plug with a horses tail at the end and I'll whack it up there and make 'em swish their pretty pony tail. I wouldn't mind that - I quite like ponies. Fuck it - If I'm making enough I'll get one with feathers too.
I see the whole thing more as a "Community Service" - These old men who like to be dressed as maids tend to be too rich to be in a nursing home, and that's why I think my services would be invaluable.
In a home they'd have other old folks to talk to, and they're too rich to pop down to the community centres and talk about the war so they have to employ mistresses to sort them out. Their total lack of contact with normal people perverts their cultured minds and they get a bit muddled... and really, who are we to make them go see a shrink? Well you're nobody unless you're their mistress that's who.
You don't get to tell rich people what to do unless they're paying you to do it.
Now, I'm not a prude, so if you want me to cheese grater the end of your knob, that's not - it might cost you a little more because I will have a sliding scale for prices - the more sick it makes me the more it costs (I think that's a pretty safe assumption really).
See - I've thought the whole thing through - If I don't want to do something, I'll wallop them with a crop and call them names (and charge them £20.00 extra for upsetting me).
If I was really successful, I think I'd employ a gimp who'd do the things I didn't want to do.
Until then, I suppose I'd consider any kind of act so long as whoever it was wasn't expecting to put a penis (or object) any where near my orifices and providing they pay me enough.
The more I consider it, the more I see how perfect this job is: I could sleep in as late as I liked - you don't argue with your mistress if she tells you to piss off until one o'clock because she's having a nap now do you?
What's more, my boyfriend is very handy - he could make me all of my torture devices - I'd save a fortune.
I'm so glad I've finally figured it out.
For so long I didn't know what I wanted to do with myself, and now I've found my dream job.
I would post an advert here, but I don't think any of you are posh enough to afford me.
Sorry.
User Reviews
Submitted by pfs4life321 (user info) at 2005-12-24 00:34:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
w/e
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:23:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'd rather you be a dead anything
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:19:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-13 13:42:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Utterly plagarized. I would suggest that you try thinking up and writing something original, but that would inevitably end up sucking ass. So instead, -2 DIE, asshat.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66548
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You know it did strike me as odd when a GUY started talking about having boobs. Sure I have nipples too, but boobs? I wouldn't go that far.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-13 18:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
BOOOOOOO!
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-13 16:02:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
for shame!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-13 15:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-13 15:20:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-13 13:42:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Utterly plagarized. I would suggest that you try thinking up and writing something original, but that would inevitably end up sucking ass. So instead, -2 DIE, asshat.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66548
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Not only stolen, but stolen from Uber!! wow.
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Impressive work, really.
Survey says: sit on a broken bottle of champagne and bend forward, pouring the bubbly contents into your dirtbox. Press your ass cheeks together and shake your rump to and fro, until an explosion of froth, carbonation, and ripped colon lining shoots out of you - like water from a nozzle in front of the Bellagio - until you lay, spent and dead on the cold linoleum tile of the kitchen floor.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-13 15:29:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
enjoy your banning, dipshit
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-13 15:20:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-13 13:42:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Utterly plagarized. I would suggest that you try thinking up and writing something original, but that would inevitably end up sucking ass. So instead, -2 DIE, asshat.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66548
--------------------------------
Not only stolen, but stolen from Uber!! wow.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-13 13:42:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Utterly plagarized. I would suggest that you try thinking up and writing something original, but that would inevitably end up sucking ass. So instead, -2 DIE, asshat.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66548
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2005-12-13 13:21:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what a great idea
Submitted by insanedoc (user info) at 2005-12-13 12:46:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd gladly be your customer...
...except for the fact that I have a girlfriend for that stuff.
But I still say: "Get on with ya dominatin' self"
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-13 12:41:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know how to feel about this one. Lets do the math.
+1 For bitch slapping old people
+1 For bitch slapping rich people
-2 For being a cock tease
-1 For charging so damn much
+1 For S&M sex
+1 For being honest
-1 For making me think this much.
= 0