Some days its best to stay in bed and masturbate (2518 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.96 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-12-13 18:21:25 EST
Leanne was not like the normal girls I had dated, she had a femininity I hadn't experienced and the expectation of our first date was starting to make me nervous. I decided to do some work on the old car I was rebuilding to help take my mind off tonight's date.
I bought an old bomb car that I thought had potential and I got it fairly cheap, and while I had been restoring it for quite some time now I still had a way to go but finances permitting she was going to be something when I got her going. I had rebuilt the bottom end, new pistons, high performance cams and balanced crank and the motor sat in the engine bay less heads and manifolds.
Admiring the bare V8 block it occurred to me that I should clean the grease and oil before I prepared it for the heads. Considering using a paintbrush and petrol I realised the fuel line was still fitted and the pump was working so in theory I could wind the block over and spray it with fuel directly from the pump. I connected the battery and held the fuel line with one hand while I put a screwdriver across the starter leads and the motor whirred with the pistons moving up and down in the bare block.
Thinking this was a wonderful idea I sprayed fuel that shot from the line as I marvelled at the mechanics of the pistons working. I leaned over to get a closer look at where the oil and grease needed attention when there was a dull but loud "WUMP". It took a few seconds to register but the heat and burning sensation on my face coupled with the smell of burning hair confirmed it for me.
What I hadn't considered was the fact the distributor was fitted and the cap wasn't on, the points were installed and sparking on every revolution with the spark meant for the spark plugs, which ignited the fuel I was happily spraying over the motor.
FIRE, FIRE, HOLY SHIT my car is on fire.
In a mad panic I ran screaming toward the garden hose and turning it on I headed back to my burning car spraying water into the engine bay. Thankfully there wasn't a lot of fuel and the water put the blaze out fairly quickly and the paint didn't seem affected. I stood dumbly inspecting the damage when I realised my face buzzed like mild sunburn.
I cleaned the mess as best I could and packed my stuff away and decided to go shower and start getting ready for my date tonight. Stripping in the bathroom I looked into the mirror to see what damage id done to my slightly stinging face.
My heart sank
I had no eyebrows or lashes and my face was a ruddish red. Some fringe hair was singed but wouldn't be noticeable after a shower I thought as I jumped in and washed up. Drying myself off I took in my reflection to see if the shower made me look a little better.
The loss of the lashes wasn't that noticeable but my brows where nearly completely gone and what was left was uneven and not at all attractive. I grabbed some small scissors and tried evening them out to no avail as I only made them worse, there was nothing else for it id have to shave them so they matched. I got busy with the razor and some soap and after washing my face I studied my handy work in the mirror and saw I was left with a very thin and short line of hair above my eyes.
Oh my fucking god I look like some kind of transvestite, I would rather have had a huge zit on the end of my nose then go on a date looking like this. Oh Jesus there was also work, my work mates will have a field day with the way I look.
Deciding no brow was better then tranny brow I lathered up and shaved my brows off completely and stood miserably in front of the mirror as the image of an alien freak looked miserably back at me.
Why does the lack of eyebrows make our appearance so damn different?
"Ok" I thought to myself "lets consider options"
I could just go and put up with everyone staring at me all night or I could just not turn up and hopefully never see her again as long as I lived. No, I wanted this date. She was so sweet. I could ring and say I was sick or something and then do this when my brows grew back except that might take weeks, maybe even months.
Deciding to go and just tell her the truth hoping she would understand and maybe think it was funny I dressed and jumped into my car to go pick her up. Not being able to park in front of her house I found a spot a few doors down and jumped out of the car and headed toward her house. I passed a large house with a nice lawn that had some rows of rose bushes and as it was dark and the fence wasn't too high I thought stealing a rose for Leanne might be a nice touch.
Jumping the fence I watched the front door as I headed for the closest bush and choosing a nice big red rose I carefully snapped it from the branch and just as I turned to get back over the fence a dog started barking and the front light came on as the door opened. I dropped onto my stomach and immediately felt my shirt get wet and realised the lawn was wet from a sprinkler.
"Is anyone there" an elderly female voice said, I stayed low and quiet now feeling my pants getting wet. I heard a growl that sounded close and just as I turned in its direction I felt a sharp pain in my left calf as a small terrier latched onto my leg and started growling and biting my leg thrashing its head about. Jumping to my feet I ran toward the fence with the terrier dragging along with each step still growling and chewing on my leg. I took a swipe at it with my hand just as I got to the fence but it wouldn't let go.
I hurled myself over the fence and lifted my legs over as I went bringing the little dog up with me. As the leg with the dog attached got to the height of the fence the terrier realising it was off the ground let go and sailed over the fence in a small arc and hit the ground with a thud.
"Help, Help he's stealing my dog" the woman at the door screamed behind me as I headed toward my car. House lights started clicking on all over the street and some doors opened with inquisitive heads peeking out from them. I got the key into my door as the dog latched onto my other leg just above my shoes. I was getting pretty pissed by now and I grabbed the dog by the scruff of the neck and roughly pulled it off me and tossed it over its fence. It let out a small yelp as it hit the ground and just as I turned the key in the door lock someone grabbed my other arm pulling it up behind my back telling me not to struggle or he would break my arm.
"What are you doing here"? He asked as he held me against my car, "I'm here to pick up my date, Leanne Farmer" I answered a little hurriedly "Leanne farmer" he echoed. I was nodding my head when he said, "Leanne is my daughter". "Oh wonderful" I thought as he spun me around to look at my face.
I saw the shocked look on his face when he saw mine and I blurted out "I had a accident with my car it caught fire" he looked from me to my car and back again and I was about to explain when he whipped me around and marched me off toward his house. Leanne, her little brother and her mother where standing on the front steps as we entered her yard.
"Is this the boy your waiting for to go on a date tonight" Leanne's father spat. I must have looked a sight, I had no eyebrows and my clothes where dishevelled and wet and covered in grass. Leanne's face was one of non-comprehending horror when I realised I still had the rose in my hand. Lifting my hand toward her I said, "I got you a rose"
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-08 23:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahha.
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2006-01-04 00:42:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this comment on one of your posts:
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Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:24:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
If half the shit you spin on here really happens to you then that makes you the most interesting person in the world...damn, the adventures!
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I have been reading Saxon's stuff for a very long time and always enjoy it thoroughly. Hilarious stories that may or may not be real, but does that matter? To this comment though I must say; is this true, is this the most interesting person you'd know?
I'm not sure about you all, but I've seen some rather interesting, funny and amazing things along these lines. I know several, if not all, of my friends have also seen, done and heard just as many. The only difference is that Saxon can describe it in such a manner that it stays interesting. He can make a drab, dull and boring story turn interesting. Something that possibly could of taken a mere 5 sentences for me to tell; he would turn into a 8 paragraph rollercoastering short storry of fun!
Not to say all these things happend to him personally. Maybe a friend, family, neighbor and himself. Tacking his name on each time just keeps it enjoyable for us the reader...
So if your life is so drab and boring that this guy is the most interesting thing you've heard of ever... well I hope to never meet you.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2005-12-29 21:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No worries mate. Check this bird out, she said she'd fancy a romp with you. Honest.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81682
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2005-12-14 18:50:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
=)
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-12-14 17:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If i was ghey, saxon would be my bumbuddy.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-14 16:52:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know I would never let you down, Saxon.
No, seriously.
WE ARE ONE. YOU AND ME ARE THE AMALGAMATION OF LIFE AND THE CHAOS WITHIN. WE REPRESENT HUMANITY ON EVERY FUCKING LEVEL. DON'T RUN AWAY FROM ME!!!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-14 14:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
VERY funny
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-14 13:48:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude that was horrible but I want to know the same thing......
ubmitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:55:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-13 23:38:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
I only date chicks with no eyebrows and C-section scars.
I can introduce you to some of them if you'd like.
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Hahaha
Wait?..... Did she put out after all that trouble?
I hope so
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:55:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-13 23:38:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
I only date chicks with no eyebrows and C-section scars.
I can introduce you to some of them if you'd like.
-----------------
Hahaha
Wait?..... Did she put out after all that trouble?
I hope so
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:36:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ah well if she didn't go on the date after it looked like you'd been through hell to get there she wasn't worth it. you can buy fake eyebrows, you might want a spare set lying around, mechanical type seem to set themselves on fire quite a bit.
Submitted by Call911 (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:29:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
man... that hurts so much
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by buttonpusher (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:21:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh holy God...
Reading this was like going to one ass-kicker of a party, and then waking up the next morning in a bed with two strange (although very attractive) girls.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:19:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry about your eyebrows. But that's a pretty macho way to lose them. I hope you get laid soon.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2005-12-14 09:28:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-14 09:26:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:10:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to dress up as Saxon next hallowe'en.
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You'll need a singlet, a moustache, some tats, a bottle of XXXX Gold and some barbeque tongs.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-14 09:23:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahahahaha!
This is fucking great!
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2005-12-14 09:23:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-14 09:18:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You would be the next Jerry Seinfeld, if you wrote sitcoms.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-14 08:55:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's see a camwhore of those eyebrows, purty boy.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-14 08:47:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have broken the dogs neck. I mean how many times do I get to get away with that?
Sorry man, hope you got some.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-14 08:02:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-14 05:56:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn all little yappy dogs to hell.
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2005-12-14 05:16:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Leanne was not like the normal girls I had dated, she had a femininity I hadn't experienced
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Not a native Australian girl then?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:45:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:25:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHA! Good stuff Saxon old boy.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:24:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
deserves another 2, i'm having to laugh on the inside now, {see below review} 3:20 a.m. here. {hey, that means it's 4:20 eastern time!}
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:19:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
You would have got the +2 for the title alone.
-Dave
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:18:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who in their right mind could give this less than a +2?
Golden.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-14 00:46:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha! I laughed so loud diff times reading this, everybody in the house -10 people- are up now talking about how i need intervention from going online and keeping them awake laughing at nite.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-12-14 00:37:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff, as always.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-13 23:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think you rock.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-13 23:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I only date chicks with no eyebrows and C-section scars.
I can introduce you to some of them if you'd like.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll take you with or without eyebrows Hunny!
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:23:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what kind of car are you building?
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Re: Title of post
Sky's blue.
Submitted by LilBastard (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:52:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for pity and +1 for still trying right up to the end
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:38:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Since your eyebrows were singed, you could have penciled them back on. Might have looked questionable, but at least it would be less questionable that none.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...my mom's name is Leanne.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:28:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:25:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Method if we do this badly on our own, imagaine the fuck ups we would be on a double date?
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Yeah, but it would make one fuck-all hell of a post. I say we do it.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:10:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to dress up as Saxon next hallowe'en.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:17:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:35:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:25:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Method if we do this badly on our own, imagaine the fuck ups we would be on a double date?
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Saxon and Method on a double date? Run for the hills, ladies. This could get ugly.
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Weeeeelllll.....
Saxon could construct eyebrows out of quality control stickers while Method shocks and awes the ladies with his ability to dwarf an Amazon.
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:42:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A nice +2 for you, me esteemed dognapper!
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:35:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:25:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Method if we do this badly on our own, imagaine the fuck ups we would be on a double date?
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Saxon and Method on a double date? Run for the hills, ladies. This could get ugly.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:33:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Too bad her father doesnt have a sense of humor.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Method if we do this badly on our own, imagaine the fuck ups we would be on a double date?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:24:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blahahahahahahahahaha!
Another fine mess, Sweetie!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaahah
wanna go on a double date?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
those sweater pups are generating a fierce amount of torque on that t-shirt.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:07:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2005-12-13 18:54:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2005-12-13 18:47:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good story, and I believed most of it, too. But the old lady's vicious little dog...
SHENANIGANS! I CLAIM SHENANIGANS! And for that you get a +1
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-13 18:43:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wish for your sake it was fiction...
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-12-13 18:40:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-12-13 18:37:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You brighten my day
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-12-13 18:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I guess you're SOL and JWF. (Shit Outta Luck and Jolly Well Fucked)
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-13 18:29:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yea!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-12-13 18:25:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Leanne's father made me appolagise to the little old lady which i did happily. He banned me from ever coming to their house again and said i would be wise staying away from her. we started dating about 2 months after that happened and dated for about 6 months. her father never spoke a word to me again.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-13 18:24:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I get back from work, I'm going to read this. Right now the +2 is based on the picture and reputation.
I won't be afraid to rescind it, should I dislike the post.